road Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Obviously he still is in a lot of pain. I think there may be a feeling - right or wrong - of him wanting to hurt you like you hurt him. It is a feeling I struggled with for a while and which gradually went away. I believe many of us have the same general feelings, but our situations and specifics are a little different and we heal at different rates. It may help him a little if you express how hurt you are when you think of how much you hurt him during the affair and on d-day IN ADDITION TO and at the same time as you are letting him see you are surprised and a little upset at his being mean on purpose over it. I don't agree with making you leave for a couple of nights, but you can't control him, only yourself. More truth, and as a you being a WW CD, do not give your BH excuses to take such actions and or throw himself pity party's
Oberfeldwebel Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I don't remember the day now, except it was in January. In my case we divorced, so there were no more DD anniversaries. I see no reason to give the day meaning or value. I would not have even asked him what he wanted to do to begin with, I would have just let it pass. Do you commemorate a day he was mean to you? No, of course not, don't let this be a mill stone that weighs your marriage down. In military terms D-Day, H-Hour are just place holders in a military operation. The fact of what day they are is irrelevant to the planning of the operation, they are focused on the bigger picture. From D-Day, then it is D-Day +30, 60, 90 days and what objectives need to be met by that day. You are no longer at D-Day, you are at D-Day +365 and have come a long way. Operation Overlord was the Allied invasion of Europe, with D-Day 6 June 1944 at D +365, the War in Europe was over. They didn't move the troops back to Omaha beach, they were firmly entrenched in Berlin. I am not suggesting that you forget what happened, just don't put undue emphasis on the day. Instead take the day to considered how it happened and what you two have done to ensure it doesn't happen in the future. 2
thummper Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Have to disagree with your hubby on this one, CD. From your other posts it sounds like you two are really making an effort in your marriage. This feels like a step backwards. I'm not sure what his motivation is for this. With you not there it seems as though he'll spend the time thinking about what happened on that day and letting it eat at his guts. Seems like it would be so much better for you two to, if not "celebrate" the day, to revel in the fact that you've found each other again and not dwell on the what's happened in the past. Your future life together should be uppermost in your minds. A good romance, especially one that has been rediscovered, is a joy.
drifter777 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Doubtful. Leaving night before and after? This is excessive, way dramatic and unnecessary. My post was sarcasm. 1
Journee Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Like a PP said, I think him reliving it all is very dangerous. For me my anger didn't really come up until the anniversary of DDay came and went. I think this time is crucial and IMO you should not go. Don't allow for the wallowing that will surely take place. He still picture every moment you had with your OM. Imagine every secret encounter. The faces and sounds you made as your OM penetrated you. He will think of himself an idiot and question why he is still around. He will have an inner dialogue that will rip your progress to shreds. You cannot safely say he will not leave you. The possibility will be there especially if he is alone for this. Leaving him to go down this path is not good. I'm not trying to be too graphic/harsh but these are the thoughts that BS have. We relive it and our imagination goes wild. We have had several DDay anniversaries. More than one woman. So, it's hard to answer your question because honestly I'm replaying it all in my head now. I can say that for me, there was nothing to celebrate. I would need a lobotomy to act as though those days are not still with me. I may not show it, but it's there. I don't think he needs to be alone. He needs a wife that is by his side even when he doesn't know that's what he needs most. When he is unsure. I would not leave if I were you. 1
ComingInHot Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 What did I WANT to do on the dday anniversary? Punch my H in the face... What I Did do was allow My H to do everything in his power to make me feel better. This included: Watching him squirm more than he had been lately. Having him watch me cry off and on. My asking more questions than usual as of late. Him surprising me with a love letter. Presenting me with a couples massage certificate for any time With him. I could go on but you get the point. He wouldn't leave my side trying to Show that he was With Me, For Us, United. I hated it then BUT I am thankful for it now. 1
maaz3231 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 My Dday is the day before my birthday (it's been almost two years now). We did nothing on Dday, and I tried very hard to avoid the subject. Unfortunately, I will never forget the exact date though. I'm sure it will be easier this year. I understand why he wants you to be away for it, and I commend you on doing what he asks to help him, but I don't think it is a good idea for him to ask this of you every year Dday arrives.
thummper Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 I think CD brought up the subject, but wanted input from others who were facing that day. Don't think she wanted the thread to talk exclusively about her and CM.
Fluttershy Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 DDay was a relief. DDay was the day it was confessed to me and now everything was over a year ago. At that time I hadn't hear about the 2-5 year thing being so preached. So that day for me it was over, i had forgiven him and no longer tormented him with questions. I decided to stay and never doubted that descision. This was just my personal recovery. 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 It's a day. Personally, I'd rather celebrate that we're still together a year later and things are starting to bind back together in our relationship. Or pretend that it was any other day (as if that was possible!). At some point you two will want to pick a day to celebrate that you're still together; but pick another day. For a BH, D-day is the day of emasculation. It is highly unlikely that your husband will see it as anything positive... ever. For me, the first few D-day anniversaries were depressing, but not that bad. Our wedding anniversary has always been much worse than D-Day. Now the D-day sneaks up on me, and 1 or 2 years ago I totally missed it. I didn't realize it until a week later. Give him space. For me, on the first D-day anniversary I left for a few days to go camping in the mountains by myself to reflect on life. 1
Author compulsivedancer Posted January 18, 2014 Author Posted January 18, 2014 At some point you two will want to pick a day to celebrate that you're still together; but pick another day. For a BH, D-day is the day of emasculation. It is highly unlikely that your husband will see it as anything positive... ever. For me, the first few D-day anniversaries were depressing, but not that bad. Our wedding anniversary has always been much worse than D-Day. Now the D-day sneaks up on me, and 1 or 2 years ago I totally missed it. I didn't realize it until a week later. Give him space. For me, on the first D-day anniversary I left for a few days to go camping in the mountains by myself to reflect on life. Did the camping trip serve you well, or do you wish you had done something different?
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 Did the camping trip serve you well, or do you wish you had done something different? It gave me peace that I would not have had if I stayed at home. I also brought my road bike and did a long ride on the mountain roads; something that I really enjoy doing. It's my healthy way of burning off the anger that I was experiencing. 1
jnel921 Posted January 18, 2014 Posted January 18, 2014 My D-Day was back in October. I posted here that day. It was a year...and our M was definitely in a better place. I was happy to write it. I did not make it an uncomfortable day for myself or my H. Nor did I spend that day reminding myself or my H of what happened. I wrote about the success of our R. I wanted to give others who are in the same position hope. That OW did not deserve the honor of her mention nor her memory. I want to waste any of my day talking about her. She is not a factor in what we are doing. We are focused on us! As a couple in R you work too hard to rebuild, love, trust and commitment. To send you away is ridiculous and perhaps you should question it. What is the intention and what is his point? It's been 14 months for us...my H shows me everyday why I made the right choice to stay in this M. If at any point I ask him to leave, I am sure just like you he'd be confused and wonder why. You may have to question your H's request. Make sure he is not up to things. Maybe he needs IC to deal with his feelings. Putting you through that is not the answer. It sounds like an unnecessary punishment. I hope it works out and you can treat it as a regular day. 1
harrybrown Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 In the future, I would not remind him of D-day. The only problem with D-day is also the trickle-truth that comes later and makes an additional D-day. I would suggest to use your mind and actions to plan something from time to time, to show him that he is not your backup plan and he never was your backup plan. Creating new happy memories that require thought would be a good way to continue to close the pain. He may not tell you this, but I believe he still thinks about the A every day.(not all day, but some part of the day) As time goes by, sometimes the pain is less.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I strongly suggest you do not recreate any of that day for him. I have heard and seen the term "pain shopping" and this seems to be an example of it. Show him the woman you are today. A woman that does not participate in unhealthy behaviours. Whether or not he says this is what he wants. You do not participate in it. If he wants to leave. Then he leaves. You on the other hand are there. Absolutely. i am a BS and I agree with this.
MuddyFootprints Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) We are a year out, too. Neither of us can pinpoint a specific date, but January was our month of confrontation. We went away for a couple of days last week and enjoyed some excellent food and wine, and us time. As the WW, I'm the one who tends to dwell most on the subject. He is more impatient about moving on. I think I still have a lot to learn. ETA: We have stopped punishing each other, but I am still trying to forgive myself. Edited January 19, 2014 by MuddyFootprints 1
Zenstudent Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 I've got a different take than most posters on this thread, it seems, but we're all different. I wonder why so many of you seem to think that CM is a child that needs to be told what to do. He seems stronger and more intelligent than that to me. If on any other day he told you that he needed a few days for himself - would you say "No, off course not - don't be redicilus" - or would you "allow" him? If he asks you to let him be alone for a few hours, do you invade his private space and disrespect his wish? CD, this isn't about you, it's about him and what he needs/wants. I think that it's great that you acknowledge the trigger and asked him about it - I would've loved that from my wife. On the first d-day anniversary she didn't mention one word about it, planned something for herself instead and left me with the kids. I recented her for weeks for that. I used to care about anniversaries, and I do remember dates very well, not just this date, but in general. This experience made me approach it very differently the second year. There is one thing that has helped me get through the trauma of infidelity, it's focus on me. I had forgotten myself, I was codenpendent and much too invested in what seemed to be a good and strong marriage, but am wiser now. Every time I have bad days, I refocus on me and the present moment. It helps a lot. So what I decided to do on the second anniversary, was to take the day off, spend the time thinking, reading and doing things only for me - went to town, sat at a cafe whith a cup of coffee looking at the sea. Got a massage. Called a friend of mine, had a chat. Thought about MY future plans for ME. That's what works for me, being selfish remembering who I am and shaping who I wanna be. I don't think there's anything to celebrate on this day, other than the fact that I found myself again. It hasn't got anything to do with my wife, it's not about punishing her or rehashing anything. It's to remind myself of the shape and condition I need to be in for the future - repeted infidelity or not. I understand CM, and I think you handle it well, CD. You might send him a few texts reminding him of the fact that you love him and really wanna be with him - that would work even better for me. 2
katielee Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 As a wayward wife, I remember the week it happened as does he. He doesn't say anything but I apologize. It's usually a one sentence thing about how sorry I am. This is all he wants and being neither of us remember the actual day it's probably good. My 2nd antiversary was last week when he was in the hospital with a broken leg. I didn't mention it, he would never remember it, and we were both occupied with his injury. He thinks his injury is some sort of punishment. Odd that it happened on that day. I didn't say anything but gave a wink up to God. I'm kidding people!
MissBee Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) We didn't do anything and have never acknowledged the day at all. Thank goodness. I think what your husband is asking for you to do isn't a good idea. If you do it once, it could become a yearly ritual. I'm all for giving the BS what they need to heal, but this one sounds dangerous. I'm not a BS but I also cannot imagine if I were that I would "celebrate" or acknowledge dday. Nope. Wouldn't do it. I also find it bizarre that to "celebrate" you should leave to symbolize your absence in the marriage...huh?!!! Why??? What is that supposed to accomplish? I also don't understand why dday needs to be "celebrated." This IMO seems to be reinforcing the negatives over the positives. I also don't see why he gets to suggest what happens. I dunno compulsive, it admittedly sounds very strange to me. I would want to replace dday and turn it into a NEW positive thing for the marriage, i.e. if I am gonna do something on that day I would take a trip and make that day have a new meaning now, where instead of remembering it as the day I found out about your affair, it's now, the first time we ever went to Mexico/first time we ever tried X new activity or something like that. Staying at my relatives house while my husband is at home on dday anniversary, all that would do is trigger me personally and reinforce that feeling of absence and anxiety versus togetherness and starting anew. Edited to add: are you the WS in the situation? If so, then I can understand why he would call the shots in this but if not, then it seems odd. As the WS I would honor it if the BS brought it up but I would also have suggested what I said above as that seems more like a positive tradition versus the current plan. Edited January 19, 2014 by MissBee 1
BetrayedH Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) I have to say my first thought was the same as another poster, that he's planning on getting even that day. The fact that he already has a free pass also doesn't help. As the previous three pages have indicated, conventional wisdom on this is to spend the day together and reclaim it. "Celebrating" it is probably a poor term but the typical advice (and best I've heard) is to create new memories. This is also one of the areas where I agree with Road/Harley's philosophy that spouses should rarely, if ever, spend nights apart if it's avoidable. Instead, they should be building an exclusive relationship, spending vast amounts of time together. I recognize and respect your desire to defer to your H on this and many issues related to your recovery. I also didn't make it to my Dday antiversary but I do know that the path to reconciliation is long and narrow and fraught with landmines on both sides. I can't help but caution you from stepping off the path any more than you must. I hope you ask your husband to reconsider. Edited January 19, 2014 by BetrayedH 3
Author compulsivedancer Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 I spoke to H last night about it and asked why he wanted to spend the day apart. His earlier spiteful answer aside, he told me this time that he wanted a day to reflect and he wanted us both to think about what life would be like if we weren't together - as a way of reminding ourselves why we decided to stay together. BetrayedH, if he was going to have some on the side, this is not the way he'd do it. For those who wondered why I brought it up, he answered immediately. He had already been thinking about it. He has the date burnt into his brain and he will certainly not forget it this year. Knowing that, it was more important to make sure to talk about it in advance. I noticed in the responses that for those who answered with their own experiences, there seemed to be a split between the men and women. I will handle things the way he wants them handled, and I will try to plan something special for the next day when I get back. 2
BurnedAndLost Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 No. (10 characters) Why do I keep seeing people say this?
Author compulsivedancer Posted January 19, 2014 Author Posted January 19, 2014 Try posting something less than ten characters. You'll get it. This is also why you see people using a bunch of dots or similar methods.
lollipopspot Posted January 19, 2014 Posted January 19, 2014 The anniversary of DDay is coming up. I asked H what he wants to do I think don't do this again. Why commemorate a specific day like this? We didn't do anything and have never acknowledged the day at all. Thank goodness. TReat it like any other day and keep moving forward. That is the past and it's how I hope I look at mine when it comes up later this year. There was nothing about my d-day that was worthy of a second thought. I know it was in April but that's about it. I have heard and seen the term "pain shopping" and this seems to be an example of it. My wife didn't bring it up and neither did I. I don't remember the day now, except it was in January. In my case we divorced, so there were no more DD anniversaries. I see no reason to give the day meaning or value. I would not have even asked him what he wanted to do to begin with, I would have just let it pass. Do you commemorate a day he was mean to you? No, of course not, don't let this be a mill stone that weighs your marriage down. In military terms D-Day, H-Hour are just place holders in a military operation. The fact of what day they are is irrelevant to the planning of the operation, they are focused on the bigger picture. From D-Day, then it is D-Day +30, 60, 90 days and what objectives need to be met by that day. You are no longer at D-Day, you are at D-Day +365 and have come a long way. Operation Overlord was the Allied invasion of Europe, with D-Day 6 June 1944 at D +365, the War in Europe was over. They didn't move the troops back to Omaha beach, they were firmly entrenched in Berlin. I am not suggesting that you forget what happened, just don't put undue emphasis on the day. Instead take the day to considered how it happened and what you two have done to ensure it doesn't happen in the future. There you go. All of this, especially the last one. There's nothing "special" about that day. It was a year ago, whether it was January 5th or January 25th makes no difference. Do people remember the specific hour too? Is there any special accounting for a leap year? I'm someone who thinks it's the day to day of your life that counts, not these special events or commemorative days. It seems to me to be way too sentimental and maudlin to get hung up on a specific date like this. 1
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