How to deal with mutual friends

[H245]

Some of you know my situation with my ex. Short version: 2 weeks ago, saw a FB convo between her and another guy which was grounds for termination. She told me that she staged the convo to see if I trusted her. Made ZERO sense then and it still does now. She owes me a lot of money but is apparently mailing me a check soon for the majority.

 

I have deleted her from FB and have gone no contact except for the texts I got from her saying she had a check for me that she will mail. So here's my main problem besides trying to cope and move on: How do I deal with the 40+ mutual friends we have? So far, the past 2 weeks it hasn't been an issue. But I foresee it being one once mutual friends have birthdays that they want to invite us both to.

 

Right now at this moment, I feel ok and better than I have been. But I feel that if I see her so soon at a friends birthday (next month), I will be rattled and would want to leave. Which would be unfair to our mutual friends.

 

After talking about it with people, my options are to drop everything I built and find a new social circle, or I deal with it and fake it till I make it situation.

 

I really don't want to rebuild my social networks because then she wins.

 

Thoughts?

[Sam23]

I don't know your full situation, but I'd suggest finding some new friends. You shouldn't completely let go of your old friends cause that would be silly to do over a breakup and that's not being fair to them, but just fund some new ones too. New friends will distract you and help you create a fresh start. That doesn't mean you're "letting her win" by any means. If she feels she's winning because she got all the friends after your breakup than let her glow in her pettiness.

 

My ex told our mutual friends not to speak to me and they've stopped. I was mad/hurt/angry at first and wanted to win them back partially so he wasn't winning. However, I've cut my loses and let him look stupid.

[organizedchaos]

Some of you know my situation with my ex. Short version: 2 weeks ago, saw a FB convo between her and another guy which was grounds for termination. She told me that she staged the convo to see if I trusted her. Made ZERO sense then and it still does now. She owes me a lot of money but is apparently mailing me a check soon for the majority.

 

I have deleted her from FB and have gone no contact except for the texts I got from her saying she had a check for me that she will mail. So here's my main problem besides trying to cope and move on: How do I deal with the 40+ mutual friends we have? So far, the past 2 weeks it hasn't been an issue. But I foresee it being one once mutual friends have birthdays that they want to invite us both to.

 

Right now at this moment, I feel ok and better than I have been. But I feel that if I see her so soon at a friends birthday (next month), I will be rattled and would want to leave. Which would be unfair to our mutual friends.

 

After talking about it with people, my options are to drop everything I built and find a new social circle, or I deal with it and fake it till I make it situation.

 

I really don't want to rebuild my social networks because then she wins.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

1. Were these your friends before her?

2. Her friends that you became friends with?

3. Or friends you both made while together?

 

 

1 keep your friends. Don't let her ruin this too.

2. Sorry man, not really your friends. You gotta drop them.

3. I say keep them.

[H245]

I don't know your full situation, but I'd suggest finding some new friends. You shouldn't completely let go of your old friends cause that would be silly to do over a breakup and that's not being fair to them, but just fund some new ones too. New friends will distract you and help you create a fresh start. That doesn't mean you're "letting her win" by any means. If she feels she's winning because she got all the friends after your breakup than let her glow in her pettiness.

 

My ex told our mutual friends not to speak to me and they've stopped. I was mad/hurt/angry at first and wanted to win them back partially so he wasn't winning. However, I've cut my loses and let him look stupid.

 

Here are my older threads if you want to go through them:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/424956-i-think-my-ex-going-through-g-i-g-s

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/452645-broke-gf-but-completely-miserable

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/453684-heartbroken-need-vent

[H245]

1. Were these your friends before her?

2. Her friends that you became friends with?

3. Or friends you both made while together?

 

 

1 keep your friends. Don't let her ruin this too.

2. Sorry man, not really your friends. You gotta drop them.

3. I say keep them.

 

Option 1. She met one of my friends at trivia using meetup.com. From there she slowly met everyone else I was already friends with through our one mutual friend or from meetup happy hours, etc.

[Chi townD]

 

I really don't want to rebuild my social networks because then she wins.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

No, she doesn't win. The main purpose for NC is to heal and move on. A lot of times, when people come on here and we preach NC. They get the impression that we mean NC forever. And that's not the case. Some people have become friends with their Ex's and it's ONLY when all romantic feelings and hurt have gone away for our Ex's and the only thing we feel is indifferent towards them.

 

You're like an alcoholic right now that is serious about his sobriety. It wouldn't make sense for you to go to a pub when you are not strong enough to handle being in there. I've been to bars and met some alcoholics that were in there watching the football games and all they were having was some food and a cranberry and club soda. They've gotten to a point where they were strong enough in their sobriety that they could be around people drinking and not letting it affect them. That's kinda how you have to view your Ex, you're trying to get to a point where being around HER doesn't affect you. Does any of this make sense to you?

 

SO, when it comes to the Birthday party. Send a gift and a card with someone an apologize for your absence. If they're truly your friends, they'll understand.

[H245]

I see where you're coming from. I'll do that then if by then I don't feel comfortable going. It sucks and I feel bad for potentially having to do that. But I need to worry about me.

[Chi townD]

I see where you're coming from. I'll do that then if by then I don't feel comfortable going. It sucks and I feel bad for potentially having to do that. But I need to worry about me.

 

 

BINGO!!!! Give the guy a cigar! It's okay to be selfish once in a while. You're the one hurting here and you would rather not put yourself in a situation where you can hurt even more or destroy any healing that you have going on right now.

 

You need to worry about YOU right now. Stay NC and make positive changes.

[d0nnivain]

You each get "custody" of the friends you had before you met each other. If all your mutual friends were your friends first, they remain your friends. Her friends remain hers; you stop interacting with them. On the rare occasions when you both are at something, fake it 'til you make it; don't let her see you upset. People you met together . . . see which ones you really like now that you aren't a couple.

 

 

Meanwhile make some new friends too. Broadening your circle is a good way to possibly meet a new girl.

[Haydn]

I understand this. But i got rid of all all mutual friends. (I mean on social media) I deleted and i did not explain. Some called and texted and understood. I am 7 months NC and over that time it had to be done. (personal preference, so no one take this as advice, just what i had to do) 7 days is very early to know what will happen. But the longer NC goes on the more you might see it this way. No one to ask about them. Its cuts you off and hopefully gets you through the next tricky months. Hope it helps.

 

 

It can be tricky. You don't people to "pick sides," and you don't want a war, you just want to be away from her. I am in exactly the same situation: I *MET* my ex 2+ years ago through multiple friends, some of whom I've known for a decade. It's now very, very awkward, especially since she blatantly (and somewhat publicly) cheated on me. So we've both pulled back a lot on being with mutual friends (no joke; when I defriended her we had 72 mutual friends on FB. That number has a dropped a bit, some of mine abandoned her, some hers abandoned me, but we are still in the 50+ stage) and our social lives with them.

 

I don't feel like I should "lose" friends, but I also don't want them to exclude her. It's a very awkward situation, and it makes it difficult to maintain NC. But, so far I have... 11 days and counting

 

I'll be happy to share anything I learn; please do the same and good luck.

[H245]

You each get "custody" of the friends you had before you met each other. If all your mutual friends were your friends first, they remain your friends. Her friends remain hers; you stop interacting with them. On the rare occasions when you both are at something, fake it 'til you make it; don't let her see you upset. People you met together . . . see which ones you really like now that you aren't a couple.

 

 

Meanwhile make some new friends too. Broadening your circle is a good way to possibly meet a new girl.

 

Technically they were all my friends before she moved back to the area from college. I never met "her" friends from her past. All the people she met here, I already knew or we met together.

[Ordinaryday]

don't go to any parties or social gatherings your ex will be at. block your ex on fb so you can't see her. and tell your friends "please don't mention my ex to me, it will just hurt me, please keep her out of conversation" and if they are really your friends they will respect your wishes.

 

problem solved.

[H245]

don't go to any parties or social gatherings your ex will be at. block your ex on fb so you can't see her. and tell your friends "please don't mention my ex to me, it will just hurt me, please keep her out of conversation" and if they are really your friends they will respect your wishes.

 

problem solved.

 

She is blocked from FB. Though I did have a relapse knowing she was at the bar I was PLANNING to go to tonight. I ended up at a friends house instead talking everything over about what happened. Needless to say, I hate that I have to avoid mutual gatherings because of her, but I know why I need to do it. I just find it completely unfair she moved on so quickly and I am sitting here moping over someone who quite honestly, screwed me over.

 

What...the...crap?!?!

[d0nnivain]

Technically they were all my friends before she moved back to the area from college. I never met "her" friends from her past. All the people she met here, I already knew or we met together.

 

 

 

Then you shouldn't have much to worry about. She has to go off & build a new circle of friends.

[H245]

Well my situation just got a little stickier.

 

Short version is, ex and I took some time off to "rebuild" our relationship, remained in constant contact for months, vacationing together, cuddling in same bed, basically everything that a romantic relationship has except sex.

 

Then she picked up some stranger, was aloof about it, and I cut her off.

 

We have literally dozens of mutual friends. One of them (whom I've known for 10 years, one of my closest buddies) just created a small FB (private) event to see who wanted to come to a specific bar on Sunday for the NFL games. I was the first to reply yes. 18 minutes later, my ex does as well.

 

I'm thinking, WTF? She cheats on me, I cut her out of my life, but she's coming to a small event where she KNOWS I'll be? What is she going to do this time, shoot for a guy 1/3 her age instead of just half? Maybe some high schooler with a fake ID?

 

I will follow NC and not go, but it ticks me off that *I*, the wronged party, am having to adjust my social life to avoid any public conflicts with her. And I even told my bud that if the situation were reversed, I'd politely ask her to not attend, maybe in a month, nothing personal. He said he saw my point, but doesn't want to get in the middle. Which I understand, I don't want people to take sides.... but still.

 

Then another friend suggested she is doing this on purpose in order to have an excuse to talk to me. Which is a different kettle of fish altogether.

 

I swear, I should just move to Seattle and start a new life. This stuff sucks.

 

Same thing is happening to me. I always went to trivia at a local bar for a meetup every tuesday. Been doing it for years and different people come and go. So I signed up after trivia last week because my ex didn't go. Figure she wasn't going to go anymore. So when I signed up for it this coming Tuesday. A friend tells me that my ex and a mutual friend both signed up as well.

 

It really ticked me off because the mutual friend knows I can't be in the same room as my ex. I would have figure she would have talked to her out of it. Guess no. My friends say to just go and put my game face on. I might just bail.

 

So frustrating...I think my ex is doing it purposely to hurt me or keep control of the situation. Who knows...

[d0nnivain]

It's pretty scummy that your friend invited her.

 

 

Anyway, get dressed & go. Make sure you look smoking hot. Ignore her. Be somewhat rude if you have to . . . no hello, walk away if she tries to talk to you etc. Don't get in her face & be mean just snub her.

 

 

Then find the hottest women in the bar & flirt with them. If you feel you can't do that, find a hot looking woman who looks kind. Point out your EX, tell the hot woman that you just broke up & you are annoyed that your EX showed up to piss you off. Buy the woman & her friends a round & ask them to flirt with you.

 

 

Seriously, this works. It won't get you a new GF but it will solve your short term problem.

 

 

Years ago I was in bar with some friends. One girl brought another girl I can't stand. That girl bet me $20 I couldn't pick up some guy in the bar. We "negotiated" it down to get a man she picked to dance with me. The guy she picked was truly the most amazing guy in the place; I knew I didn't have a chance but I wasn't going to let that b!tch get the better of me. I confidently walked over, told him about the bet & offered him half $10 to dance with me. He laughed but agreed. We ended up having fun. He wouldn't take the money but told me to buy him breakfast so we went to a diner after last call. We never dated but are friends to this day & that horrible woman who is still my friend's friend, never knew how I won.