6 Types Of Affairs

[ZMM]

I read this interesting article in Psychology Today

 

It was titled - Having An Affair? There Are Six Different Kinds

Affairs come in an array of flavors -Published on April 5, 2010 by Douglas LaBier, Ph.D.

 

Basically it breaks them down into

 

The "It's-Only-Lust" Affair

The "I'll-Show-You" Affair

The "Just-In-The-Head" Affair

The "All-In-The-Family" Affair

The "It's-Not-Really-An-Affair" Affair

The "Mind-Body"Affair

 

It goes on to describe and briefly discuss each one.

 

You can find the article pretty easy by doing a search on the title, I didn't include a link, because I didn't know if that was allowed by LS moderators.

 

Anyway, if you read it, what are your thoughts?

[Lady2163]

Lovely. My situation is not described in any of these.

 

So, according to pop psychology, I'm weird...

[ZMM]

Lovely. My situation is not described in any of these.

 

So, according to pop psychology, I'm weird...

 

LOL - that's nice.

 

Care to elaborate?

[Mrlonelyone]

If they have a problem with linking to psychology today they haven't told me.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-resilience/201004/having-affair-there-are-six-different-kinds

 

 

It is a problem to link to a dating website or some other spammy thing's address. An article like this hasn't ever been a problem as far as I know.

 

 

I can tell the article is brilliant and honest already when I see this.

 

 

Another one sounding a bit more "strategic" came from Jan, a 41 year-old lawyer. She told me that her affair was a "marriage stabilizer...safe and discreet, a perfect solution for me." She decided it was a rational alternative to the disruption of divorce.

 

My God.. "I need to have an affair to keep the marriage stable". Give me a freaking break, but we all know someone who would be that asinine too.

 

I think this article gets it right. An affair is usually because someone isn't getting what they want in their primary relationship. It's like craving orange juice because you're lacking in vitamin C.

 

It would be best if affairs never happened. People just have to be honest enough, and brave enough to confront the issues in their own relationships.

[William]

As a well-known and long time general trade and mass-media periodical, Psych Today gains little exposure from its articles being discussed on LoveShack. The 'subscribe today' link at page right is the main negative, relevant to the site owner's commercial advertising policies.

 

Generally, if the focus of the posting is on the article content and the source is linked mainly as attribution for copyright and not to advertise, one is more likely to pass muster on external links. Still, it's possible that the link may be deleted and/or the poster sanctioned. It's handled on a case by case basis.

 

OK, with that out of the way, back to '6 types of affairs'. Thanks!

[ZMM]

If they have a problem with linking to psychology today they haven't told me.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-new-resilience/201004/having-affair-there-are-six-different-kinds

 

 

It is a problem to link to a dating website or some other spammy thing's address. An article like this hasn't ever been a problem as far as I know.

 

 

I can tell the article is brilliant and honest already when I see this.

 

 

 

 

My God.. "I need to have an affair to keep the marriage stable". Give me a freaking break, but we all know someone who would be that asinine too.

 

I think this article gets it right. An affair is usually because someone isn't getting what they want in their primary relationship. It's like craving orange juice because you're lacking in vitamin C.

 

It would be best if affairs never happened. People just have to be honest enough, and brave enough to confront the issues in their own relationships.

 

Actually, the article pretty much reflects what is seen on the OW/OM board.

[Got it]

"Some affairs are psychologically healthy. An affair can help leverage you out of a de-structive or deadened relationship that's beyond the point of renewal. The positive feelings of affirmation and restored vitality generated by an affair can activate the courage to leave a marriage when doing so is healthiest decision for both yourself and your partner. I've seen both men and women become psychologically healthier through an affair. It springboarded them into greater emotional honesty and mature action. Of course, you have to be honest with yourself, here, and not rationalize yourself into hav-ing the affair while postponing necessary action."

 

I see many getting up in arms over this but I found this to be fairly true for me and for my AP.

[ZMM]

"Some affairs are psychologically healthy. An affair can help leverage you out of a de-structive or deadened relationship that's beyond the point of renewal. The positive feelings of affirmation and restored vitality generated by an affair can activate the courage to leave a marriage when doing so is healthiest decision for both yourself and your partner. I've seen both men and women become psychologically healthier through an affair. It springboarded them into greater emotional honesty and mature action. Of course, you have to be honest with yourself, here, and not rationalize yourself into hav-ing the affair while postponing necessary action."

 

I see many getting up in arms over this but I found this to be fairly true for me and for my AP.

 

Yes, I can see how that could definitely be true.

 

And yes, they do get up in arms.

 

Using, the author's affair types, it seems like a lot on the OW/OM forum think or want to be in the Mind-Body Affair, when they are actually in the It's-Not-Really-An-Affair Affair. For me, I would have to say Mind-Body and I see how it is the most likely to put the current relationship at risk. The jury is still out as to whether I am right or not.

[Got it]

Yes, I can see how that could definitely be true.

 

And yes, they do get up in arms.

 

Using, the author's affair types, it seems like a lot on the OW/OM forum think or want to be in the Mind-Body Affair, when they are actually in the It's-Not-Really-An-Affair Affair. For me, I would have to say Mind-Body and I see how it is the most likely to put the current relationship at risk. The jury is still out as to whether I am right or not.

 

Right? Right about what?

[ZMM]

Right? Right about what?

 

If my affair is what I think it is (mind-body). IMO, I am sure it is, but I guess only time will tell for sure.

 

I mean, reading stuff on here, it sounds like for some their opinion totally changes when they are not in an affair anymore. Like at that point, they lose their attraction. In my case, I really don't think that would happen, just due to the nature of the way things developed, etc. But, just saying, I don't know for sure until that point.

[JamesM]

I do find it interesting and more accurate than many.

 

And yes, I believe that an affair can simply be a relationship that fills the void of something missing in the marriage. If a woman misses a friendship connection with her H or a man misses a sexual connection with his W, then an affair can fill the need.

 

However, it is a lie if they believe that it will make the marriage happier. It will "stabilize" it because the unhappy person thinks he or she is now happy, but when that illusion is uncovered, then the loss if even more painful or frustrating.

 

The most common, it's mostly about sex. It can feel really intense, but it's also the quickest to flame out. John and Kim met through work, and felt a strong physical attraction. John was separated; Kim, married. They felt powerless to resist the pull. "It was inevitable.

 

This above I love. The lies we feed ourselves to justify small decisions that in the end seem to leave us powerless. The reality is that at each step the persons involved ignored the ringing bells in their head. "Just another hug or touch." "Just one kiss." "I will only touch her there once." And so the two find themselves in bed together feeling totally comfortable with the idea of sex.

 

Looking at the six different types, I find it hard to believe that people can be so stupid. However, living in real life when each little step presents itself so invitingly, it is much easier to see how someone can be so deluded (and that includes me) to ignore the path that in a few weeks/months would be so obvious.

 

I have always said I could choose an affair as I am no different than the next guy who has done it, but after so many months of saying this and reading this kind of comment, I realize that maybe just maybe I won't ever be in one. Why? Because so far I have been too realistic about letting one step lead to another step in real life that it seems that there is never an opportunity...even if for others there may have been. So far, I look down the path ahead and the seducing little invitation in front of my face is only barely covering the insidious evil that lays just behind it.

 

As another thread asked, "was it worth it?"...and for me, I have been able to look past the possible pleasure to the probable pain. Doing that has kept any opportunities away.

 

I just hope that those who read this article and are considering an affair or are in one, can realize that it will not solve the underlying problem nor will it actually bring long term pleasure.

 

Get out now while it still feels good. Stay out now before it ruins your life. And fix the problems that brought you to this place today.

[Got it]

If my affair is what I think it is (mind-body). IMO, I am sure it is, but I guess only time will tell for sure.

 

I mean, reading stuff on here, it sounds like for some their opinion totally changes when they are not in an affair anymore. Like at that point, they lose their attraction. In my case, I really don't think that would happen, just due to the nature of the way things developed, etc. But, just saying, I don't know for sure until that point.

 

Relationships change and with them feelings can as well. It doesn't mean that it wasn't in that group even if you do not go on to marriage. What the mind/body is saying is the same thing as an exit affair. It is the catalyst for leaving the marriage.

 

So this relationship may or it may not. But I don't think it matters. What matters is, are you ready to end your marriage and regardless of every other possible outcome, will you be satisfied with your decision to divorce?

 

Regardless of everything, I have never regretted my decision to divorce or have I ever wondered for a second about being with my ex again. It was absolutely the right decision for me.

[Fluttershy]

My husband thought his affair was stabilizing our marriage. Or at least him by giving him an "outlet" and "break". And in ways it did. He got happier, had always been attentive but got more so, and seemed excited about life. It was helpful until it was not. When feelings started to develop, and the comparmentalization started to blur. And the realization that any "good" would be completely lost and things woul be far worse if/when caught. And the longer they went the more chances to get caught.

[cocorico]

"Some affairs are psychologically healthy. An affair can help leverage you out of a de-structive or deadened relationship that's beyond the point of renewal. The positive feelings of affirmation and restored vitality generated by an affair can activate the courage to leave a marriage when doing so is healthiest decision for both yourself and your partner. I've seen both men and women become psychologically healthier through an affair. It springboarded them into greater emotional honesty and mature action. Of course, you have to be honest with yourself, here, and not rationalize yourself into hav-ing the affair while postponing necessary action."

 

.

 

My H's IC said much the same to him at the time. He recognised that the A R was a much healthier R than the M, and that the growth it demanded was positive.

 

I'm not sure that the list of six is comprehensive. I'd say the "mind-body" would be the closest category to our A, all in all, though it probably started as "it's only lust" (for me) and "it's not really an A" (for him).

 

I suppose my biggest gripe with the article is that it conflates different types of categories - some are about motivation ("I'll show you"), others about content ("it's only lust") and others about the value attached by participants ("it's not really an A") and some about the locus ("all in the family"). I guess it may be different to separate intent from content from value, but it does allow for considerable overlap (someone may get into an A because of anger toward a partner, and the A may be "only sex", but still hold considerable value ("as a R") to the participant, and involve a SIL- where would you classify that? Or, where would you classify the A of the SC who simply felt claustrophobic in a single R and needed many on the go at the same time, each meeting different needs but none adequate in or of themself?

[Aspasia33]

I think i will always love and be insanely attracted to my MM. Im old enough now to know the differance.

 

If my affair is what I think it is (mind-body). IMO, I am sure it is, but I guess only time will tell for sure.

 

I mean, reading stuff on here, it sounds like for some their opinion totally changes when they are not in an affair anymore. Like at that point, they lose their attraction. In my case, I really don't think that would happen, just due to the nature of the way things developed, etc. But, just saying, I don't know for sure until that point.

[Aspasia33]

I like Cocos description very much, as it shows the complexity of human nature:)

 

My H's IC said much the same to him at the time. He recognised that the A R was a much healthier R than the M, and that the growth it demanded was positive.

 

I'm not sure that the list of six is comprehensive. I'd say the "mind-body" would be the closest category to our A, all in all, though it probably started as "it's only lust" (for me) and "it's not really an A" (for him).

 

I suppose my biggest gripe with the article is that it conflates different types of categories - some are about motivation ("I'll show you"), others about content ("it's only lust") and others about the value attached by participants ("it's not really an A") and some about the locus ("all in the family"). I guess it may be different to separate intent from content from value, but it does allow for considerable overlap (someone may get into an A because of anger toward a partner, and the A may be "only sex", but still hold considerable value ("as a R") to the participant, and involve a SIL- where would you classify that? Or, where would you classify the A of the SC who simply felt claustrophobic in a single R and needed many on the go at the same time, each meeting different needs but none adequate in or of themself?