hejrjeu Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 My boyfriend told me a week ago that he's been feeling depressed and that he no longer knows if he feels the same about me, he feels his feelings have shifted more towards friendship. I know it's normal for feelings to do this when you've been together for a while, we've been together for more than a year and have known each other for a year and a half before that but there's no use forcing it if he doesn't want to be with me. He doesn't know if he's depressed because of the dark weather or because he's pondering his feelings for me or something else. I asked if he'd be less depressed if we broke up and he said "Yes, at least as it is now. You can't know how it would be in the long run". I suggested we'd take a break, he found it a good idea and wanted it to last for 2-3 months which we agreed on. We haven't argued or anything and we ended on purely friendly terms. We're NC and I plan on keeping it that way and pretty much try to "get over" him. If he's lost feelings for me it's not that likely we'll end up together again in just a couple months. I plan on sending him something small on his birthday which is in a month (it's a thing I know he needs) and write a letter wishing him a happy birthday and stuff like that. I know that's breaking NC but I want to do it just to be kind and show that I'm not mad at him in any way, especially as it's not officially over and we're supposed to try again later on. I'm not planning on writing lovey stuff, I'm not doing it because I want him back. Could that affect our chances of getting back together negatively? How should I handle it if he were to contact me during the break in some way? After the months have passed and he hasn't contacted me, should I contact him? It would be rude of him not to, but still... Anyone else been on a break with your bf/gf? Why did you take the break and how did it end up?
rec88 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 I agree, call it for what it is; a breakup. You're way ahead of the game in understanding that you can't force the situation. He's the one that is struggling with his own head so I suggest leave him be and don't worry about the 2-3 months. No reason to contact him if he's not ready. If he wants to contact you, he will.
barky2 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 How to handle a break? A break is a breakup. Word it whatever way you want. It sucks, I know. But start the healing process as if it's a breakup. Leave him the hell alone. Get dressed up to the nines, call up a few girlfriends, and go out and have a blast. In retrospect, you're single now. The more you bother, the further he goes. NO INITIATED CONTACT. Do - respond after some time elapses. Don't- contact first. Barky
Author hejrjeu Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 so no congratulations on his birthday?
pickflicker Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 so no congratulations on his birthday? No. I'd never take a "break" from a relationship. You cannot pause, or take a "time out" from a relationship. You're either in, or you're out. A break is a break up.
CaliBabe Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 so no congratulations on his birthday? Nope. Don't do it.
Author hejrjeu Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 Nope. Don't do it. why not? It wouldn't hurt me emotionally, but does it affect him negatively?
LadyM Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 It would hurt you emotionally because even though you say you're not doing it because you want him back, you really are doing it for precisely that reason. When someone wants a break from you, that means they don't want to see or talk to you. Why would you ever buy someone who feels like that a birthday present?
Elias33 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 why not? It wouldn't hurt me emotionally, but does it affect him negatively? I think it is about sending a message here. As long as he feels you are thinking about him, the more he thinks the break is a good idea, the longer it may last, or the more painful the following breakup will be (for you). I suggest not to let things linger. Because while he does his thing, you are waiting for him (or so he may think). So in this context, no, I would not advice you to contact him during his birthday.
Author hejrjeu Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 It would hurt you emotionally because even though you say you're not doing it because you want him back, you really are doing it for precisely that reason. When someone wants a break from you, that means they don't want to see or talk to you. Why would you ever buy someone who feels like that a birthday present? what I'm planning to give him is a parking disc which would barely cost me anything. writing a short note wishing him happy birthday doesn't require much effort either. I just want to show him I don't have any hard feelings for him and I don't want him to have any hard feelings for me either, which he probably hasn't but... I don't know. I think it is about sending a message here. As long as he feels you are thinking about him, the more he thinks the break is a good idea, the longer it may last, or the more painful the following breakup will be (for you). I suggest not to let things linger. Because while he does his thing, you are waiting for him (or so he may think). So in this context, no, I would not advice you to contact him during his birthday. okay, thanks.
LadyM Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 what I'm planning to give him is a parking disc which would barely cost me anything. writing a short note wishing him happy birthday doesn't require much effort either. I just want to show him I don't have any hard feelings for him and I don't want him to have any hard feelings for me either, which he probably hasn't but... I don't know. okay, thanks. It's not about the cost of the gift. You want to show him you don't have hard feelings, but you should have hard feelings. This is a man who is happier being away from you. You are reaching out to him to get a reaction from him. You deserve better than this. Don't give a thing to someone who doesn't want you in his life. In fact, if you don't send him a birthday gift, it could warm his heart more toward you than if you give him one. Unfortunately, that is how many people think. It will show him that you are placing your own feelings above his, that you are respecting yourself, and that is often very attractive to others.
Author hejrjeu Posted January 6, 2014 Author Posted January 6, 2014 It's not about the cost of the gift. You want to show him you don't have hard feelings, but you should have hard feelings. This is a man who is happier being away from you. You are reaching out to him to get a reaction from him. You deserve better than this. Don't give a thing to someone who doesn't want you in his life. In fact, if you don't send him a birthday gift, it could warm his heart more toward you than if you give him one. Unfortunately, that is how many people think. It will show him that you are placing your own feelings above his, that you are respecting yourself, and that is often very attractive to others. to be honest, if I were to send him a bd gift I wouldn't expect a response. I wouldn't care if he sent me even a "thanks" on facebook. I would do it for the sake of being kind. Although I do have changed my mind now and probably won't do it.
rosedl Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Breaks. Ugh. My ex took a 'break'. It turned into questioning the relationship and whether he wanted to be single. I kept asking to end the break and asked him to deal with his cycle of commitment phobia and anxiety rather managing it on the relationship. He, then, broke up with me and rationalized his actions on me. Unless a break is for a very specific reason and has a very specific goal and end date, it is a break up not a break. They don't solve anything otherwise, and keep you dangling and not moving on. It's a limbo state that is crazy making.
Author hejrjeu Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 it was me who suggested the break, because my boyfriend wasn't happy in the relationship, but at the same time it seemed like he wasn't sure of his desicion, and it also seemed like it would've been a hasty desicion to break up. We are a really good match. I want to give him time to feel better from his depression, I want to give him time to think about what he wants and I also want time to think for myself. After the three months are over, how can I be sure I want him back? He's been taking me a lot for granted. We are from the same town but will be long distance during the school year for at least three more years. Anything could happen, and whatever happens it will be for the best. We have a bit more open end date, I asked him how long he wanted the break to last and he said "until spring starts and I start feeling a bit better, so I have time to clear my head, maybe a couple three months at least", I replied "so about March-April?" and he said "Something like that sounds good" I'm planning to move on. I might fall in love with him all over later if/when we meet again, but that's another problem.
Fufu Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Your ex was the one who told you he has lost feelings for you.. Don't initiate anything unless he do so first. A break is a break up... Hesitation in wanting to be together or not for too long - it's never healthy You think that both of you are a good match - does he feel the same? Move on~ 2
Emilia Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 it was me who suggested the break, because my boyfriend wasn't happy in the relationship, but at the same time it seemed like he wasn't sure of his desicion, and it also seemed like it would've been a hasty desicion to break up. We are a really good match. I want to give him time to feel better from his depression, I want to give him time to think about what he wants and I also want time to think for myself. After the three months are over, how can I be sure I want him back? He's been taking me a lot for granted. We are from the same town but will be long distance during the school year for at least three more years. Anything could happen, and whatever happens it will be for the best. We have a bit more open end date, I asked him how long he wanted the break to last and he said "until spring starts and I start feeling a bit better, so I have time to clear my head, maybe a couple three months at least", I replied "so about March-April?" and he said "Something like that sounds good" I'm planning to move on. I might fall in love with him all over later if/when we meet again, but that's another problem. Time to move on, I'd say. You are both young. It's very good that you have kept this drama free, congrats on your maturity level. This is not the last relationship you will have in your life though. He feels depressed... He should sort himself out. While we all have our up and downs, it's incredibly unfair to take it out on the other person. If he is over it, he should move on. You sound decisive OP, a rarity in a woman, well done. You are certainly more assertive than your boyfriend, perhaps time to find your match?
Author hejrjeu Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 (edited) Your ex was the one who told you he has lost feelings for you.. Don't initiate anything unless he do so first. A break is a break up... Hesitation in wanting to be together or not for too long - it's never healthy You think that both of you are a good match - does he feel the same? Move on~ Yes, I know he thinks we are a good match. He finds me physically attractive (he said so a week before the break), our sex life has always been good and I know I have the things he looks for in a woman. It will be difficult for him to find someone who has as many common interests and connect intellectually the way we have done. But I think that as his feelings have shifted more towards friendship than romance, he's not feeling well and that's what makes him confused. He might not get the feelings back, I know that. That's what makes it so hard. He might, but then again he might not. Time to move on, I'd say. You are both young. It's very good that you have kept this drama free, congrats on your maturity level. This is not the last relationship you will have in your life though. He feels depressed... He should sort himself out. While we all have our up and downs, it's incredibly unfair to take it out on the other person. If he is over it, he should move on. You sound decisive OP, a rarity in a woman, well done. You are certainly more assertive than your boyfriend, perhaps time to find your match? Thanks. I guess I'm just more driven by logic than emotion. I know we're young (I'm 19 and he's soon 20) and that there are plenty of fish in the sea and I will probably meet someone else sometime. But I am very picky with people, with friends as well, and I get bored with people very easily. He's one of the few that I have actually clicked with from the beginning, and actually liked talking to before we actually knew each other (shallow discussions with people you barely know is the worst) so our relationship feels special. I know you shouldn't think like that because someone more special might come along, but I just can't help it. Edited January 7, 2014 by hejrjeu
Emilia Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Thanks. I guess I'm just more driven by logic than emotion. I know we're young (I'm 19 and he's soon 20) and that there are plenty of fish in the sea and I will probably meet someone else sometime. But I am very picky with people, with friends as well, and I get bored with people very easily. He's one of the few that I have actually clicked with from the beginning, and actually liked talking to before we actually knew each other (shallow discussions with people you barely know is the worst) so our relationship feels special. I know you shouldn't think like that because someone more special might come along, but I just can't help it. This is not to patronise you but since you are a sensible girl: you are teenager, you are barely an adult, in some countries you don't even count as one. Your brain isn't fully developed until you hit 25. We change the most in our 20s. This means the kind of men (boys?) you like now might not be the kind you will like as you mature, get to know yourself, get to know others, meet fully mature men, learn about yourself fully mature. You simply have no idea at the age of 19 due to lack of life experiences what and whom you need long term. Give it another 10 years and you will know. You will grow, experience, achieve and learn. Good luck
Author hejrjeu Posted January 7, 2014 Author Posted January 7, 2014 This is not to patronise you but since you are a sensible girl: you are teenager, you are barely an adult, in some countries you don't even count as one. Your brain isn't fully developed until you hit 25. We change the most in our 20s. This means the kind of men (boys?) you like now might not be the kind you will like as you mature, get to know yourself, get to know others, meet fully mature men, learn about yourself fully mature. You simply have no idea at the age of 19 due to lack of life experiences what and whom you need long term. Give it another 10 years and you will know. You will grow, experience, achieve and learn. Good luck Yes, I am aware I also know that I have become a lot more mature during the last few months, as I've moved away from home while my now ex (feels totally weird to call him that) works for a year before uni and still lives with his parents. That might be one of the reasons his feelings have changed as well, our lives are now more different. But I know for sure he has/had potential.
Fufu Posted January 7, 2014 Posted January 7, 2014 Yes, I know he thinks we are a good match. He finds me physically attractive (he said so a week before the break), our sex life has always been good and I know I have the things he looks for in a woman. It will be difficult for him to find someone who has as many common interests and connect intellectually the way we have done. But I think that as his feelings have shifted more towards friendship than romance, he's not feeling well and that's what makes him confused. He might not get the feelings back, I know that. That's what makes it so hard. He might, but then again he might not. Thanks. I guess I'm just more driven by logic than emotion. I know we're young (I'm 19 and he's soon 20) and that there are plenty of fish in the sea and I will probably meet someone else sometime. But I am very picky with people, with friends as well, and I get bored with people very easily. He's one of the few that I have actually clicked with from the beginning, and actually liked talking to before we actually knew each other (shallow discussions with people you barely know is the worst) so our relationship feels special. I know you shouldn't think like that because someone more special might come along, but I just can't help it. You are still very young, plenty plenty of great opportunities of meeting new guys. No worries about that. Go out and have fun with your friends. Live your age ^_^ And I do really miss being 19. Sometimes feelings come and go in a very bizarre way. Sometimes we think this relationship could work out, but it turned out the other way. But most importantly, don't lose yourself as you never know your right guy will eventually turn up one day
Author hejrjeu Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 yes, I know there are a few guys that have shown a little interest during the time I've been with my ex. I should keep my eyes open, but not get involved in something I'm not ready to. Now, I'm wondering if the break thing was such a good idea. It now feels like he would have wanted to break up. And I'm keeping him bound to me anyway. Like he only agreed to the break for my sake, to not make me feel as bad. It doesn't feel particularly worse than before, just different. I know I shouldn't hope. But is it possible that he might change his mind during 3 months away from each other?
Chi townD Posted January 8, 2014 Posted January 8, 2014 so no congratulations on his birthday? You need to look at this relationship as a job. Your boyfriend fired you. He said that your services as a girlfriend are no longer required. Now, do you show up at the job on Monday and start working for free? NO! You dust off the resume and you start looking for a new job. So, do you contact him on his Birthday? That's up to you. Personally, if you didn't send the folks at the first job you ever had Christmas cards this year, then I would send him a birthday card. 1
Author hejrjeu Posted January 8, 2014 Author Posted January 8, 2014 You need to look at this relationship as a job. Your boyfriend fired you. He said that your services as a girlfriend are no longer required. Now, do you show up at the job on Monday and start working for free? NO! You dust off the resume and you start looking for a new job. So, do you contact him on his Birthday? That's up to you. Personally, if you didn't send the folks at the first job you ever had Christmas cards this year, then I would send him a birthday card. Now that's a bit harsh. He was, and still is, one of my best friends. here's the whole story. there are no hard feelings between us. sending a birthday card wouldn't be a weird thing to do. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/452543-can-he-fall-back-love-me
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