Physical affair vs. Emotional Affair.

[BoatingBabe]

To love blindly is playing with your heart...I haven't loved that way in a LONG time. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt...but If I become suspicious, I listen to my internal cues...and have always been right.

Love freely, love a lot, love wholeheartedly, but never blindly!

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by Leaf

Can you ever be truly happy again? I wonder if any of us can...

 

Good question.

 

I believe when our hearts are broken for the first time, we lose our innocence.

 

 

When we open up to someone for the first time and accept them without question and feel what love is, we are blinded by our hearts.

 

Call it naiveness, or the thought of "that will never happend to me."

 

 

When it does happend, the pain is indescribable. For those of you that have gone through this, you know what I am talking about.

 

After that, we never look at anyone the same way again.

 

It's as if something is missing.

 

That something is innocence.

 

To answer you question.

 

Yes we can be happy but not in the same way.

[Kismet811]

"It's so easy to sit back and say "I would not do this or that..." I think most think they feel that way and have the strength to say NO if put in a sticky situation...But it depends on that particular situation and what is going on in the home front in general. No two situations are exactly the same and because of that, we have to really look deep in answering threads and not generalize. Hmm, I'm on a tangent here? All over the map...LOL! Saturday afternoon coffee is getting to me I guess!"

 

Wow, it feels so nice to hear someone say that.....because before I was in my current situation I thought, wow, I would NEVER hook up with a married man, ESPECIALLY one with kids. My dad cheated on my mom and it was hurtful at the time, though I am ok with my family life now as it has worked out, for better or worse, I have a new brother and sister from my mom's new fiance and that is worth more than anything. But things have a funny way of working out.

 

I'm 23, I started working at this place six months out of college, and the man who hired me seemed young (he's 30), cute, nice, was automatically attracted to him in this very unfamiliar way, but I soon learned he was married, and on top of it, had a two year old daughter with his wife. So I wrote it off as "never going to happen" for obvious reasons. And for five months it was just random flirtation that I didn't really notice here and there, that I took as friendliness and nothing else, maybe some minor attraction on his part, but nothing I took seriously.

 

Then one night five months in all us staff went out together for billiards and games and around midnight everyone was to go home, and it ended up being just me and him left, and He was supposed to meet out of country friends in the city, but missed his train by like 5 minutes and the next one wasnt for two hours. I try to think that happened for a reason, but maybe im being stupid. Anyway, since he missed the train he asked if i wanted to grab a drink because it was early and he didnt get to go out often anymore, so i said why not and we went, and chatted, and he mentioned his wife and said what a great person she was, and what a great mother she was, but that there just wasn't any spark between them, whatever that meant. I wondered why he said that to me, but i was tipsy at this point and just said "i know i shouldnt say this, but you are really cute". and then i got embarressed, because i just hit on my boss, but he smiled and said "hmm, well, i think there is a mutual attraction here". after that i told him "i would love to do something right now, but im afraid it would get me in trouble". He took one look at me, as if deciding if he should or shoudlnt, and kissed me.

 

It's been 7 months since that night and he's tried to break it off three or four times out of guilt, and everytime i am upset but i do not resist because i told him everytime i would never ask him to leave his wife/daughter, but after a week of trying to be "friends" or co workers or whatever, he breaks down and kisses me again and it starts all over again and i can't resist him, less now than before, because i've fallen hopelessly in love with him. hopeless being the key term because i can't imagine him changing his life for me , especially now, with his wife four months pregnant....nor would i ask him to. I'm not a bad person, and neither is he, but how can you choose who you fall for? I sense that he married a good friend rather than a woman he was in love with, but that doesnt change that they have a kid with one on the way and they are in the process of buying their first house.

 

So that leaves me, the pathetic other woman, in love with a man that very likely is in love with me more than his wife, but would not leave her because he loves her as a person and his children mean more to him than anything.

 

So I sit, day in and day out, thinking about him, being miserable, desperately trying to find a new job so I won't see him everyday, and at the same time dreading the day I quit, because the few moments we steal away everyday together is enough to keep me smiling like I haven't in a long time.

 

I love him so much it hurts, and I can't even tell him that.

 

God, how sad am I?

 

Sorry to make this so long....there's more I could write but this is long enough . thanks for listening

[Hot Coco]

"So that leaves me, the pathetic other woman, in love with a man that very likely is in love with me more than his wife, but would not leave her because he loves her as a person and his children mean more to him than anything."

 

I guess it would never occur to you that he's in love with his wife and that you're just a plaything on the side? I mean the guy is having babies with her, buying houses. Those are things men do with women they're in love with. Of ourse he's telling you they have no "spark." That's a classic line to get what he wants from you and you fell for it.

 

It's so sad that the little "crumbs" he tosses your way are enough to keep you going. This is really sad. The longer you let this drag on the worse it's going to be for you. He's never going to leave his wife for you and you know it.

[travellingman]

this is a good discussion, deserves a bump

[mourningMM]

You would have to look deep in the archives to find my posts but here is a synopsis.

 

• my husband told me we had "nothing in common" and "you've let yourself go". I went to the gym, and looked at out life and children and was confused.
  
• my husband swore that he was not having an affair, that they were just friends.
  
• my husband, even after counseling decided we needed time apart to "decompress"; separation agreement signed.
  
• he still swore they were just friends
  
• they started to date and married each other.
  

.

 

Classic emotional affair...or possibly physical; I'll never know the truth.

 

• I was at an emotional low in my life, a man began to give me lots of attention..and I responded.
  
• I craved the attention and didn't care that he was married.
  
• But as I healed, I realized that I was hurting both him and myself by giving him what was missing in his marriage...and after much time we stopped because we both decided together that was the right thing to do.
  
• I was proud of him for going back to his wife, and proud of myself for sending him back.
  
• Then he died without my knowing and I found this site. I came to this forum at a point where
  

 

Classic physical affair...so I can speak to both sides of the issue.

 

I needed support from anyone, anywhere...I found this forum. I'm amazed at the number of people who have viewed this thread.

 

I'm not sure why, but over the past few years, I've realized that something about me attracts MM...maybe God put me in this place to be the warning sign for them and to give them an opportunity to consider their actions...

 

Recently I had the cause to respond in an email to a man who is in a very bad place in his marriage...and it occurred to me that someone out here might value and be able to use the response:

 

If you'd asked you'd have crossed the line with me, you didn't we're good. But internally you should avoid that thought....it leads to a place where dissatisfaction allows justification of non-boy-scout behaviors. It is hard to explain, but there is a place where friendship is good;but there is another that falls intot he category of emotional-affairs<

http://marriage.about.com/od/infidelity/ss/emotionalaffair.htm><http://marriage.about.com/od/infidelity/ss/emotionalaffair.htm>>

. I was a victim of that

so

I'

m

pretty sensitive about it; I can't go to aplace where I look too bad in that mirror.

 

With me, you've got a safety net...but if you need more attention someone else might take advantage of that. Personally, when I was married, and found my self thinking about someone too often I just made myself picture my husband's face-- the pain, the hurt,the anger and that stopped me cold. Of course when he left I had

so

programmed myself that I couldn't let anyone near me for more than ayear without flinching and feeling like I was cheating....which REALLY sucked. Even now sometimes I feel like dating is wrong. But then again I'

m

an extremist.

 

Your email was fine--a little frustrated but fine; lets me say somethingthat isn't easy to bring up in typical conversations.

 

If you find yourself in a place where you need to fend off an emotional affair...feel free to use this approach with my blessings. If you feel that you might be in and emotional affair, you have my prayers.

[mourningMM]

The pain lasts as long as people in the family have to interact, as long as someone still has anger, or hurt, or just wishes that life would be easier.

 

Every man, woman, and child associated to an emotional affair has ... debris.

 

I have a friend who accepted her husband back and has been trying to forget, or heal for almost 8 years.

 

I still feel stabs of true rage when I have to coordinate my holidays, and major life events for the children, because I have to coordinate with "her". Make sure that we both don't wear the same colors. Funny how people tend to wind up with people who have similar taste.

 

My daughter graduates college this weekend. She has had some serious lows over the past years, she needed therapy but has seen herself to a level place. She swears she's going to elope since then she won't have to coordinate the families " and it will probably just fail too". I don't think she's quite done with therapy.

 

My son is in college now. He has absolutely no memories of us as a family. He was only six when his father started stepping out. He doesn't talk about it much, but there is tremendous anger under the surface. He hasn't agreed that seeing someone would help. I think that may be a guy thing. I've made him promise that before he considers serious commitment with anyone, he will.

 

Me? It started more than 10 years ago. I've seen a few people, good men, but I know that what holds me back is the anger I just can't seem to release.

 

It isn't helping anyone. But there is a very young and trusting girl deep inside of me that had "happily ever after" torn to shreds. I've become a stronger woman; I've thrived in my career; I've met men who want and need me. But I shy away from love.

 

I think that the pain lasts until love takes hold.

 

Sigh. I can't sleep. I actually don't want to have to sit through a "family dinner" with all of us around a single table. I'll be good. I'll smile and make light conversation. We will all stay focused on the girl of the hour, and hopefully the time will pass quickly.

 

Or maybe I'll sit at the table and look at the two of them and feel nothing. Maybe I'll be so exhausted from lack of sleep that I'll be numb.

Or maybe I really will be able to have an enjoyable night.

 

Only God knows.

 

But God has not been particularly forthcoming with his plan; and all I can think is that he really really really needed my son and daughter to be born for some reason.

 

So when I'm at dinner, if there are moments that the pain drifts in with the air, slides down my tightening throught, burns in my chest and aches in my heart. I'll focus on the exhale and try to release the wish for my children's reason to be worth it.

 

And I'll celebrate another milestone in my life with the person who helped make those children; and the woman that he decided was a better fit for him than me.

 

I guess the other questions is when does an Other Woman stop being the Other Woman. That answer is very easy. It is when she becomes "oh that's dad's newest wife".

 

Caveat Emptor.

Edited May 11, 2012 by mourningMM

[woinlove]

mourningMM, have you tried counselling. You really should not need to feel this bad this long. I know it can take a long time to heal from infidelity, for all sides. Letting go and forgiving is not the same as saying how your ex behaved was okay or not that bad. It is recognizing what you can change and what you cannot change, and it is choosing you and your future. You aren't the only one posting here who is holding onto anger, we sometimes even see it in WS who marry the AP but can't let go of anger against xBS for whatever, so really all sides of the triangle have to work to let go. It seems you hurt yourself more by becoming involved with a MM, because you also have guilt mixed in with anger. That's a strong mix to deal with and I think a professional could help you work through all that. If you have already tried IC maybe it wasn't/isn't the right match for you, because I think a good counsellor can really help one along the path to forgiveness - you forgive in order to free yourself to live a happier life.

[cocorico]

This is a very old thread OP and your last post indicates that you are perhaps no longer wanting to discuss emotional vs physical affairs but are looking for support of a different kind. How can we best support you? Would it be easier to start a new thread with that in mind?

[beenburned]

MM,

 

Many people have spouses that leave them and divorce, whether there is an affair or not. Rejection hurts but only you can make your life better. Compounding all these feelings by getting involved with a MM only complicates your life even more! Seek therapy to work through all your feelings over being rejected and betrayed.

 

My D is going through her second divorce right now.

 

First H was her HS sweetheart, he left her for an OW after only 1 year of marriage. He also left her with ALL of the bills and the mortgage!

 

She eventually got married again and had a child. They have been married for 10 years. Just last year she found out he had been cheating on her for the last 4 years with 2 different OW.(they called her with all the info)

 

She kicked him out and filed for divorce.(which he is dragging out)

 

But throughout her life and problems, she has always tried to better herself by dealing directly with all that is thrown at her.

 

Even working full time for years, she has gone to college at night, and will finally graduate this coming December! Her child is adjusting well to the divorce, as both parents try to keep her life as normal as possible.

 

Both times directly after the rejections, she temporarily went on anti-depressants to help get her through the worst part. Don't be ashamed if you need a crutch to get you through your feelings!

 

I wish you well, but drop the MM and concentrate on getting yourself better emotionally!(for the sake of your children)

[Radagast]

The pain lasts as long as people in the family have to interact, as long as someone still has anger, or hurt, or just wishes that life would be easier......

 

MourningMM I am sorry that all of these feelings have been triggered by what should have been a special occasion for you. Ten years seems to me a long time to be feeling this intensely over a breakup, perhaps it is resonating with other issues for you from your past? I would agree that if you are feeling as bad as you describe here you might benefit from some counselling as those feelings are unlikely to vanish again after the dinner even if you do manage to suppress them for a while. Another milestone will then be likely to trigger them again and you will be thrust back into this maelstrom of emotion.

Edited August 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BrighterWashing]

I don't agree at all that this is even unusual for rhe length of time, intensity of feeling about being left for someone else. I think that is oerhaps a very salient message- the leaver always thinks "aw she'll get over it quickly. It's for the best". They have to because they think it's best for them. The one left not SI much.

 

WH used to say during the A in MC that he thought we would get over it and be better parents apart. He didn't even really believe it himself deep down, even in te fog he tried to convince himself. Te MC wisely said "that's because you're te one leaving that you think that. Self protection. You aren't facing the enormity of what you're doing to the other person". She was so right.