FortunateSon Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 My ex-fiancé and I had a 6 year relationship that ended VERY badly in June. I have dated casually since but I am not ready for a relationship. Apparently, my ex started dating someone seriously in October, she broke contact(I was NC) and let me know she was dating someone. A couple weeks later an acquaintance told me recently saw her picture on Facebook with her new guy. She is blocked on FB and while deleting some old pics and comments, her profile pic briefly appeared showing her with a new guy. I quickly exited the page, not expecting to see anything of hers if blocked? The damage was done, seeing that felt like a punch in the stomach. I have been NC and done everything to block her out of my life. I am hurt and frustrated. The fact she has moved on hurts. I know it was bound to happen, but it kills me that I haven't found someone, nor do I even feel ready for a relationship. When she broke contact and told me she was dating someone, she claimed she "probably shouldn't be in the relationship because of issues she is dealing with from our past relationship" She claims she dwells on a lot of anger towards me? I just can't believe she moved on this fast?! Is it a rebound?!
deathandtaxes Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 Rebound may depend on who dumped who. If she dumped you, then I say this is not a rebound. Sorry OP. Sucks. Maintain NC. And that means not taking contact from her. You have to let go of thoughts like this whole post. You can't care what your ex does from now on. Practice that. Be that. 4
Bishop556 Posted January 3, 2014 Posted January 3, 2014 I know how you feel. While my relationship only lasted a year and a half, my ex moved on with someone else in three weeks. It is probably a rebound in your case. Focus on healing. That's the only thing you can do really right now.
Author FortunateSon Posted January 3, 2014 Author Posted January 3, 2014 I have been focused on healing. It is frustrating because all of this about her has been unsolicited, I haven't reached out or checked up on her at all. It makes me feel like I have been set back when all I do is want to move forward!!
Author FortunateSon Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Rebound may depend on who dumped who. If she dumped you, then I say this is not a rebound. Sorry OP. Sucks. Maintain NC. And that means not taking contact from her. You have to let go of thoughts like this whole post. You can't care what your ex does from now on. Practice that. Be that. This is probably true. Our break up was sudden, she was technically the dumper, but it was the result of my actions. I have maintained NC since she contacted me last month, I was just surprised she has her profile with someone new that fast?! Doesn't seem healthy, I can't imagine doing the same. I know I shouldn't care, but I feel like she is desperately trying to fill a void, she said herself she is not healed from our relationship?
deathandtaxes Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 This is probably true. Our break up was sudden, she was technically the dumper, but it was the result of my actions. I have maintained NC since she contacted me last month, I was just surprised she has her profile with someone new that fast?! Doesn't seem healthy, I can't imagine doing the same. I know I shouldn't care, but I feel like she is desperately trying to fill a void, she said herself she is not healed from our relationship? That's the hard part in bold. What she did, telling you, breaking nc, that she was dating somebody - big foul on her part. Maybe she didn't really think about what she was doing, but she should have left things alone. You can tell her to not contact you in the future and that you really don't appreciate her telling you that she is dating somebody else. It's like she's saying you're not good enough and I found somebody else to prove it! Not caring is hard. Stay strong. Keep up the NC. 1
Author FortunateSon Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 I am staying strong and keeping up the NC, but the not caring has been the hard part. After she broke contact and we had a brief exchange, I don't think I will be hearing from her again. What's the easiest way to not care? I am 7 months post BU and feel like I should've farther along by now?
headinthecloud Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 This is probably true. Our break up was sudden, she was technically the dumper, but it was the result of my actions. I have maintained NC since she contacted me last month, I was just surprised she has her profile with someone new that fast?! Doesn't seem healthy, I can't imagine doing the same. I know I shouldn't care, but I feel like she is desperately trying to fill a void, she said herself she is not healed from our relationship? Everybody copes with loss differently - some people have sex with another person the day after they breakup - its purely to fill a void. People with integrity know that sleeping with someone immediately after heartbreak does not fill a void. From what you describe, she has moved on. And I'm so sorry she's reached out to you - every time it happens it makes your head spin (even if you don't respond). It's part if the BU recovery process. One day, you'll hear about her and you won't have any emotional reaction - thats indifference. It will come but it takes time. Be patient and toss her from your mind. What she does now is no concern of yours...none. It has no bearing on the value of the RS you had with her. She is the past. Focus on you and your happiness. What do you want from this life? Something tells me wallowing in self-pity is not on your bucket list. Just a guess. 3
Downtown Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 (edited) She claims she dwells on a lot of anger towards me? I just can't believe she moved on this fast?! Is it a rebound?!FS, if she strongly exhibits most (not all) of the 18 warning signs at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/451369-how-do-you-let-go-2.html#post5435360, you should expect her to move on very quickly. BPDers (those having strong traits) quickly replace their partners because, given their lack of a sense of who they are, they hate to be alone. They therefore are quick to find someone with a strong personality that can serve to center and ground them. But, of course, as soon as they find a person who does EXACTLY THAT, they will start feeling controlled and suffocated when their infatuation evaporates. Importantly, this apparent fickleness does not mean the BPDer never loved you. Rather, it means that she loves in a very immature manner and does the black-white thinking we discussed in your other thread. That all-or-nothing thinking allows her to avoid having to deal with strong mixed feelings by putting the loving feelings out of touch with her conscious mind. This is why BPDers are able to flip in ten seconds from loving you to hating you. And this is why a BPDer's feelings are said to be "a mile wide and an inch deep." Edited January 4, 2014 by Downtown 4
Author FortunateSon Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it more than you know. My ex does have a very selfish and narcissistic personality. She likes to project the illusion that she is very strong and independent, but her actions have always seemed to show otherwise. She also likes to appear perfect to the world and almost never admits to being wrong or sorry. I struggle because I would like to move forward and feel like I have been, but I am not where I want to be. I have dated some really fantastic women since our split, who by all accounts are "better" but have not felt comfortable opening up to a new relationship because of my unresolved feeling from my past relationship. It hurts and frustrates me that despite all of my ex's issues and claimed unresolved anger, she is seemingly able to jump into a relationship again and at least outwardly, appear happy. I know she is feeling the pressure of wanting to be married and babies. I know it's not a competition, but since she broke contact I find myself comparing to where she is at. She said she contacted me because she wanted closure and to make peace, but also said she saw me with a very pretty girl I had been dating and it bothered her. She seems very selfish and I keep trying to tell myself that when I find myself thinking about her. 2
flightplan Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 My ex does have a very selfish and narcissistic personality. She likes to project the illusion that she is very strong and independent, but her actions have always seemed to show otherwise. She also likes to appear perfect to the world and almost never admits to being wrong or sorry. You just described my ex to a tee. I would listen to her stories about her ex husband and how he was a douche-bag and all the horrible things he did... and I look back on that now and laugh. I heard her side of the story and not his and fell for it hook, line and sinker. I know better now. Listen, these women make it sport, it has nothing to do with us except learning how to spot it next time we go into a relationship. 1
Author FortunateSon Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 Looking on the bright side, I suppose it's good for all of this to hit me now while healing, rather than have it all hit me when I have moved forward?
True Gent Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I feel for you buddy, it's a very hard thing to deal with. At least your ex has had a few months gap. Mine had her next mine lined up, she's been moved out just over a month and her Facebook profile pic is her and him all loved up. Now that's unhealthy. All we can do is let them get on with it. I'm still in the very angry part of my BU and today I shed a tear or two again. There are no answers just time and NC. It is very hard though. 2
Author FortunateSon Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 TG, by reading your posts it definitely sounds like we are in similar situations. I don't know about you, I did everything possible to block any social media etc, and for some reason me briefly and unintentionally seeing that profile picture was the ultimate punch in the gut!!
True Gent Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 TG, by reading your posts it definitely sounds like we are in similar situations. I don't know about you, I did everything possible to block any social media etc, and for some reason me briefly and unintentionally seeing that profile picture was the ultimate punch in the gut!! Yeah I've went to the lengths of closing my Facebook account. I only saw her profile because someone approached me and showed me on their account. It is like a knife going through you when you see the pics. It really is I know exactly how you feel.
flightplan Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Yeah I've went to the lengths of closing my Facebook account. I only saw her profile because someone approached me and showed me on their account. It is like a knife going through you when you see the pics. It really is I know exactly how you feel. I guess I should count myself lucky. Neither one us does any sort of social networking like FB, instagram, etc.. it would kill me to see her moving on with someone else, but thank god we never found any value in FB. I can't imagine having to deal with that kind of BS on top of an already nightmare of a BU.
True Gent Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I guess I should count myself lucky. Neither one us does any sort of social networking like FB, instagram, etc.. it would kill me to see her moving on with someone else, but thank god we never found any value in FB. I can't imagine having to deal with that kind of BS on top of an already nightmare of a BU. I've never really got on with Facebook myself. It was actually her that encouraged me to ever use it. But yeah it is utter BS. I don't understand the need to flaunt so openly to everyone either. It's like are they convincing everyone else they are moving on or themselves? 1
Author FortunateSon Posted January 4, 2014 Author Posted January 4, 2014 It still blows my mind that people can process and move on from long term relationships so quickly without so much as a care in the world. Maybe I am wired differently, but I have never been able to do that? In regards to my ex, she said, unsolicited, that "she shouldn't be in the new relationship because of our past issues" and that she is still dwelling on a lot of anger with me. Why would one get/stay in a new relationship if they felt like that? I told her I was not ready for another serious relationship and that I am taking time to heal, I will be better for it in the long run. I guess everyone's different? Should I force myself into another relationship?!
True Gent Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 It still blows my mind that people can process and move on from long term relationships so quickly without so much as a care in the world. Maybe I am wired differently, but I have never been able to do that? In regards to my ex, she said, unsolicited, that "she shouldn't be in the new relationship because of our past issues" and that she is still dwelling on a lot of anger with me. Why would one get/stay in a new relationship if they felt like that? I told her I was not ready for another serious relationship and that I am taking time to heal, I will be better for it in the long run. I guess everyone's different? Should I force myself into another relationship?! No why force yourself? If you aren't ready then you aren't ready. I think women find it easier to do, it's how they are wired up. I personally can't comprehend moving onto another person so quickly either and openly declaring it. 1
flightplan Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 It still blows my mind that people can process and move on from long term relationships so quickly without so much as a care in the world. Maybe I am wired differently, but I have never been able to do that? It's been my experience that they didn't process this quickly as it seems to you, but rather, it's been something they've been thinking about for a while. There was something that occurred that made them finally pull the trigger and act on a thought that has been running through their mind for some time. Whatever it was, it's irrelevant. It is what it is and now you deal with the hand you've been dealt. 3
True Gent Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 It's been my experience that they didn't process this quickly as it seems to you, but rather, it's been something they've been thinking about for a while. There was something that occurred that made them finally pull the trigger and act on a thought that has been running through their mind for some time. Whatever it was, it's irrelevant. It is what it is and now you deal with the hand you've been dealt. I think you make a good point. They make this decision and emotionally move on, before they make the choice physically move on. Still I couldn't do it in the manner that they do. 1
Mondmellonw Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 No why force yourself? If you aren't ready then you aren't ready. I think women find it easier to do, it's how they are wired up. I personally can't comprehend moving onto another person so quickly either and openly declaring it. Personally, this isn't true. It depends on the person... Not on the gender. I don't find appropiate to have some other dude "lined up" while you finish another relationship. That only tells you're a selfish, narcissist b*tch. Wich means you don't even respect yourself. Of course, a lot of girls and boys do this, again and again, and never seem to like being lonely. I don't like that kind of behavior. 2
True Gent Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 Personally, this isn't true. It depends on the person... Not on the gender. I don't find appropiate to have some other dude "lined up" while you finish another relationship. That only tells you're a selfish, narcissist b*tch. Wich means you don't even respect yourself. Of course, a lot of girls and boys do this, again and again, and never seem to like being lonely. I don't like that kind of behavior. I Totally agree, I think the point I was getting at though is that I have found after looking into this type of thing lately women seem to be very likely to be the ones who line someone else up before leaving. I didn't word it very well in my post though... 1
Mondmellonw Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 I Totally agree, I think the point I was getting at though is that I have found after looking into this type of thing lately women seem to be very likely to be the ones who line someone else up before leaving. I didn't word it very well in my post though... Yeah, I know. I've been seeing this for a looooong while. And seems that, in my opinion, guys tend to feel attracted to this kind of woman. The more guys are following her, the more they want her. (It depends on her if she respects her actual RL, or if she somehows develops feeling for other guys, in the lack of attention she is feeling on her RL, because that is the only thing this type of people wants/needs: attention). Everyone wants and deserves attention, y'know. But this is ridiculous. Jumping on one RL to another... Without any blinking. It's logic. It makes you see like you're attractive. But sometimes, you don't really are much that attractive, it's just like a law of dating... and it's a little bit animalistic perhaps.
sambo77 Posted January 4, 2014 Posted January 4, 2014 FS...I can almost feel how much this must have stung...vicariously. I have avoided FB like the plague since my split because I'm scared *****less of having to face what you've just faced. Remember though...keep the truth up front. Social media is nothing more than self-marketing. People put up the glossy, sugary pics, make a few of the right noises in the comments and status boxes, pick up a few "likes" to boot...and bam...the brains of the "followers" and "friends" do the rest, filling in the blanks and reaching the conclusion that this person sure as hell got themselves one hell of a life...sheesh...lucky them. Remember. It's. Just. Self. Marketing. Believe me, if I gave a flying f!ck about FB right now (and I don't because I've developed a serious aversion to it since the BU) you'd think my Christmas was an M & S TV commercial. You'd see my laughing and frolicking with my family, playing with my son, smiling, partying...and thanking the world for the wonder that is "my life." What you'd miss out on would be the gut wrenching anxiety I felt just before that photo with my Dad and brother was snapped on the stroke of new year (because I missed my ex more in that last ten seconds of 2013 than I have done all year), the depressed nights I spent just longing to hold her or chat to her, and the fear and anxiety I felt about whether my life is ever gonna feel as cosy as it felt with her in it. So...you'd have got a FB page of "life" minus the pain, sadness, fear and anxiety...and with the sugary ***** turned up threefold...BS in other words. Don't worry too much about social media...it's our attempt to convince ourselves life's not as petrifying and empty as we know it is deep down inside... Keep that truth up front buddy. 5
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