How do you "let go"?

[FortunateSon]

I am almost 7 months post break up from a 6 year RS/engagement. Things ended terribly. We had a relationship of the highest highs and the lowest lows. I have done well staying NC, except for an incident when she contacted me at the beginning of December looking for closure and to make peace.

 

I am struggling to "let go"...she is still in my thoughts often, much more than I would like. I have done a everything I can to keep my mind busy and off of her, but at the same time when I have these feelings, I try to feel them rather suppress them. I have been dating someone for two months who by all accounts is "better" but find myself unable to open my heart to her and often long for my relationship with my ex.

 

I guess what I am trying to do it let go. I have this small amount of hope that things will work themselves out with my ex, even though that would likely not be a good thing. I just want to rid myself of that and move forward. I find that I still have my ex on a pedestal; even though she has treated me poorly at times, I find it difficult to be "upset" with her and realize she is not the right person for me. I have thought of the idea of asking her to meet up, possibly after the holidays. I have not seen her in over 6 months. My thought would be that what ever the meeting brought, I would have some clarity and finality over the situation? Any advice on letting go? I just want to move forward with my life!

[FortunateSon]

Mods, I just realized this might be better in e coping forum?

[d0nnivain]

I once read that it takes 1/2 the length of the relationship to get over it. Of course that's not a hard & fast rule.

 

 

You get over it by continuing to move forward. You were planning a life with this person so it's natural that there is a huge void in your life. Even if you do think about her, each day it should be a little shorter & a little less intense.

 

 

When you find yourself thinking about her, stop acknowledge the thought then put her out of your mind. Think about a bad thing or focus on the reasons you split if you have to then go back to what you were doing, or find something to distract yourself.

[sarbunoemi]

I guess calling her out would not help you heal.

After a 6 year relationship, 6 months isn't enough to heal.

What I recommend to you, as a first step, which helped me very much to move on, is accepting and acknowledging your feelings for your ex - validating their existence like crying whenever you have the urge to cry for your ex but without showing it to her by calling, begging, pleading etc.

The second step is acknowledging the fact that your ex wants space. Grant her wish. Do not contact her, delete her number, block her facebook and not talk to her, not reply to her texts, calls etc.

The third step is to experiment your life without her. What made you happy before she entered into your life? Do you have any hobbies? Do you want to try out new things like attending a dance class, painting class or Taek-Won-Do? Or invite some buddies to join you? Use this time to find your interests, your passions and meet new people. This is when you invest in yourself physically.

The forth step is when you invest in yourself mentally. After a bad break up, our self-esteem is destroyed, our confidence is ruined. It's time to invest in you by having a diary - write all your concerns or choose someone who you trust and tell him/her your concerns - it could be your bff or family member just don't let it to consume you.

The fifth step is a bit hard but it's a bonus in helping you to move on : approach this pain objectively and by objectively I mean don't try to find meanings behind this pain, don't try to read her mind, in search for a solution. It's impossible to enlist all the reasons. So don't search for a reason behind this break up.

These steps helped me to go through a break up so I hope it will help you too.

Remember, be patient, it will take time, but in the end, you will succeed.

[tem7074]

Meeting her again would likely take you right back to square one and you would have to start the healing process all over again. I don't think it is a good idea.

 

I think you are in the process of letting go. It is very difficult, it takes time and it is different for everyone - every time. Having things end badly does not help. I know this from personal experience. Just keep up with the NC and focus on living your life in the present moment!

[brokeNlost]

You let go by killing any shred of hope that you will ever getting back with your ex. At least for me it seem to be working.

[FortunateSon]

You let go by killing any shred of hope that you will ever getting back with your ex. At least for me it seem to be working.

What is the best way to kill this hope? I have tried to proactively do everything possible to kill any hope. I realize that logically there isn't any hope, I tell myself all the time there isn't any, but it is still there? Is it just something that will fade with more time?

[BC1980]

I think it's a decision you have to keep making everyday. You must acknowledge your reality, which is painful in the short term but will soften over time. I'm in the same boat as you (3 year RS, engagement rings were bought, lived together), and it is so so painful to let go if the memories.

 

I think you are doing what I did, which is to avoid the acceptance by holding onto that small hope. Everyday I get up, I make sure my mind is planted in reality though it hurts like hell.

[d0nnivain]

What is the best way to kill this hope? I have tried to proactively do everything possible to kill any hope. I realize that logically there isn't any hope, I tell myself all the time there isn't any, but it is still there? Is it just something that will fade with more time?

 

 

 

I made a list of all the reasons we didn't work / wouldn't make it long term / broke up . . . basically every negative thing I could think of. I read it when I missed him most.

[theonlyjuan]

Heres some of what I did

 

1) Got it in my head that it was over

2) Accept she wasn't coming back

3) Stopped looking for answers

4) Accept it isn't a personal fault of mine

5) Saw my friends

6) exercised like a mad man

7) Met new people out

8) Got her off FB

9) Went NC

10) Found new hobbies and had fun. Did whatever I wanted, when I wanted

[JDPT]

Heres some of what I did

 

1) Got it in my head that it was over

2) Accept she wasn't coming back

3) Stopped looking for answers

4) Accept it isn't a personal fault of mine

5) Saw my friends

6) exercised like a mad man

7) Met new people out

8) Got her off FB

9) Went NC

10) Found new hobbies and had fun. Did whatever I wanted, when I wanted

 

Very detailed blueprint. I now see that I've neglected and must focus on #4.

[barky2]

Taking a step back and seeing and really truly realizing it's over

 

Forgiveness.

 

Acceptance.

 

Knowing you'll love again, if not more.

 

You have to become ok, you have to say " ok now I know it's over, I forgive for the pain, and in going to find someone else.

 

 

In a nutshell

 

 

 

 

Barky

[FortunateSon]

Thank you all so much for the feedback. I think I am having the most trouble accepting it is over, even though it clearly is. I was actually doing well, but was set back early in the month when she contacted me seeking closure and to make peace. She made it known that she was dating someone and the caught me off guard, even though I have been dating myself. She also said she "probably shouldn't be in the new relationship because she is still dealing with our past issues". This made me think she was not happy and was considering reconciling. She is still very angry about our break up. I am hoping more time and NC will help. I was contemplating asking her to meet, but I am starting to think nothing good would come of it?

[barky2]

Give yourself time to grieve.

 

If you meet now, your body language and your words, emotions will all come off needy and insecure.

 

Give yourself time to get your inner bro back.

 

Go date have some fun, get your confidence back.

 

That's the only time you talk to her, when care factor is at zero.

 

Not a day or second before.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[FortunateSon]

I have been dating, I am finding it hard to find a connection to someone new, I ended up wanting the familiarity and comfort that existed with my ex. I still feel like I have her on a pedestal, I have been dating someone who by all accounts is "better" but find myself, thinking about my ex. Is this normal? I have been upfront with everyone I have dating about where I am at, Should I be on a "catch and release" program?

[WYSWYG]

I have been dating, I am finding it hard to find a connection to someone new, I ended up wanting the familiarity and comfort that existed with my ex. I still feel like I have her on a pedestal, I have been dating someone who by all accounts is "better" but find myself, thinking about my ex. Is this normal? I have been upfront with everyone I have dating about where I am at, Should I be on a "catch and release" program?

 

I feel the same way. The ex seems ALWAYS better than the new date and I think that's where we make the mistake - we really can't compare two different individuals. As you said, we long for the familiarity.

 

It feels as if THERE are no other girls out there but the ex! She's still up there on that pedestal. We tend to only remember and miss the good times.

 

BUT there are reasons why it didn't work out. She was inconsiderate, insensitive and condescending to me. And now she doesn't care about me at all!!

 

On that "catch and release" program - just be careful out there. Those other girls have feelings too and you don't wanna be careless on that. Understand that everything is TEMPORARY - you WILL get over this. You're suffering now but you're ex will go thru that as well sooner or later.

 

We will find the next one but lets be aware of the next BU as well.

[FortunateSon]

I agree about the pedestal, I am hoping it "crumbles" very soon! What I mean by "catch and release" is that right now I am more interested in casual dating, getting to know some people, not getting serious. I have been very upfront with everyone I have dated since about where I am at. I am open to meeting the right person now, but if it doesn't feel right I am not going to force it. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone and have them feel like I do.

[Inspiteofrselves]

Well, here's my unpopular opinion. We live in a society where it is ingrained in us that we not only have a RIGHT but an OBLIGATION to be happy. I think, we should instead focus on being satisfied. For a lot of people on LS, heartbroken over short term relationships, or incompatible matches... the advice to move on is good. I am not sure if it is here.

 

Seven months is not a long time. This should take you years to grieve... if that's even what you need to be doing. You wanted to spend your life with this woman. Why give up? Because you're lonely? Because you're upset? Because you need to be happy more than you need to feel your feelings?

 

Just a thought. Probably one that will get smacked the **** down... But just wondering... what if she's saying the same things to herself?

[pickflicker]

Well, here's my unpopular opinion. We live in a society where it is ingrained in us that we not only have a RIGHT but an OBLIGATION to be happy. I think, we should instead focus on being satisfied. For a lot of people on LS, heartbroken over short term relationships, or incompatible matches... the advice to move on is good. I am not sure if it is here.

 

Seven months is not a long time. This should take you years to grieve... if that's even what you need to be doing. You wanted to spend your life with this woman. Why give up? Because you're lonely? Because you're upset? Because you need to be happy more than you need to feel your feelings?

 

Just a thought. Probably one that will get smacked the **** down... But just wondering... what if she's saying the same things to herself?

 

You can't fight for a relationship once it is over. And grieving the loss for years is only wasting time. You get once shot at this life and you are dead a long time.

 

To let go, you embrace the fact you cannot change things and stop fighting. Go with the flow. Whether the relationship lasts months or years, don't fight it once it's over.

[FortunateSon]

Well, here's my unpopular opinion. We live in a society where it is ingrained in us that we not only have a RIGHT but an OBLIGATION to be happy. I think, we should instead focus on being satisfied. For a lot of people on LS, heartbroken over short term relationships, or incompatible matches... the advice to move on is good. I am not sure if it is here.

 

Seven months is not a long time. This should take you years to grieve... if that's even what you need to be doing. You wanted to spend your life with this woman. Why give up? Because you're lonely? Because you're upset? Because you need to be happy more than you need to feel your feelings?

 

Just a thought. Probably one that will get smacked the **** down... But just wondering... what if she's saying the same things to herself?

 

I understand where you are coming from. This is the second time we have broken up. The first time I fought with all of my heart to get her back and I did...sort of. Like many others, in the process of getting back together, some of the issues we faced were never addressed or fixed. Once back together she felt that I owed her everything and nothing less than perfection was good enough. I followed through on the changes I made, she did not, she felt it was unnecessary to do so. We fell back into the pattern that lead to our demise. We did not have effective mutual communication, sometimes I think she was incapable of it. It is unfortunately because all unresolved issues aside, we were fantastic together, she truly was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. This is why I am struggling to let go...

[Downtown]

FS, in LivingNightmare's thread, you wrote "it is clear that my ex displayed a lot of BPD traits." In reading through all of your posts, however, I find that you don't describe such traits. Your focus is not on your Ex's dysfunctional behaviors but, rather, on trying to maintain NC and deal with your own pain. If you change your mind about the focus, however, I would be glad to discuss BPD warning signs with you.

 

As the OP, you set the agenda for this thread. My only concern is that, if you spent six years dating a woman who really does have strong BPD traits, you likely are an excessive caregiver like me. If so, your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the man you already are). Indeed, you likely will find it difficult to recognize that a woman is loving you if she doesn't desperately need you at the same time.

 

This means that -- as I did -- you will walk right on past all the emotionally available women (BORING!) until you find a woman who desperately needs you -- as will be evident in her outpouring of vulnerability ("catnip" to excessive caregivers like me). The result, if your Ex is a BPDer, is that you are at great risk of running right into the arms of another woman just like her if you don't take time to learn how to spot BPD warning signs.

[Still-I-Rise]

FS, in LivingNightmare's thread, you wrote "it is clear that my ex displayed a lot of BPD traits." In reading through all of your posts, however, I find that you don't describe such traits. Your focus is not on your Ex's dysfunctional behaviors but, rather, on trying to maintain NC and deal with your own pain. If you change your mind about the focus, however, I would be glad to discuss BPD warning signs with you.

 

As the OP, you set the agenda for this thread. My only concern is that, if you spent six years dating a woman who really does have strong BPD traits, you likely are an excessive caregiver like me. If so, your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the man you already are). Indeed, you likely will find it difficult to recognize that a woman is loving you if she doesn't desperately need you at the same time.

 

This means that -- as I did -- you will walk right on past all the emotionally available women (BORING!) until you find a woman who desperately needs you -- as will be evident in her outpouring of vulnerability ("catnip" to excessive caregivers like me). The result, if your Ex is a BPDer, is that you are at great risk of running right into the arms of another woman just like her if you don't take time to learn how to spot BPD warning signs.

 

FS - I am having difficulty letting go in my situation and as a fellow sufferer admonish you to give serious consideration to the advice to step back and see things from a detached perspective. Give yourself time to grieve and don't rush a new relationship.

 

Downtown - we need to talk. Words from a recent therapy session, 'You strongly identify as his caretaker and that means a great deal to you. I hope you know he will always come back to you. It's odd because you come across as a very intuitive person who knows intellectually he is bad for you. Yet, somehow, your intuition has a blind spot where he is concerned.' I worry that although men who stimulate my mind can hold my attention I will fall into a form of Florence Nightingale Syndrome for the first "sick" man who comes along.

[Downtown]

Downtown - we need to talk. Words from a recent therapy session, "You strongly identify as his caretaker and that means a great deal to you."

Still, I suggest you take a look at Shari Schreiber's article at DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?. It's the best description I've seen of how we excessive caregivers manage to get that way during our childhoods. I caution that, because 75% of BPDers have one or two other co-occurring PDs like narcissism or sociopathy or Histrionic PD, Schreiber lumps them all together under "BPD" and thus confuses BPD with those other behavioral symptoms.

 

The result is that she ends up describing BPDers as plotting, scheming, manipulating, spider-like creatures who set traps for the abused partners. Of course, many BPDers also have blond hair and speak French. None of those characteristics, however, has anything to do with BPD. That said, I nonetheless find Schreiber's description of us excessive caregivers to be very insightful.

[FortunateSon]

Downtown and Still-I-Rise, thank you for your input, I appreciate you taking the time to reply. I think that maybe I didn't realize her possible issues because she always turned everything around on me and made me feel as if was in the wrong and the "bad guy", so to speak. She has a lot of history of mental illness in her extended family, but always is able to put up a strong, put-together facade. She is very charming to the outside observer.

 

You might be on to something, for most of the relationship, I felt very unappreciated in everything I did for her. She never seemed to appreciate anything I did, and always dwelled on negatives and found things to not be good enough. This hurt me, I felt all the efforts I made went unnoticed. Does "needed" = "appreciated"?

 

Today, I ended a casual 2 month relationship with a woman who by all accounts is "better" than my ex, but as you mentioned might seem a bit more "boring" and not as dynamic to me as my ex was. I appreciated everything about her but felt like something was lacking as far as connection goes? I also recognized that I am not healed from my ex and that played a part in it.

 

I am not sure if I am an excessive caregiver? She projected a lot of her flaws on to me, and looking back she was the one who actually had these flaws. She was very controlling, she was emotional abusive at times(she tried to play it off as being honest with each other), it became apparent everything was about her. She seemed very narcissistic, but she always put on a good show. I freely admit that I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship too, the difference being I was accountable and recognized them, in her mind she did no wrong...I was to blame for everything.

 

Any more advice on this situation or moving forward and letting go? Downtown, I would really like to know more about this, you sound well versed in the subject. Do she sound like she may have BPD? I can provide more info if needed?

[BC1980]

I think two things that hindered me moving on where blaming myself and continuing to wonder "what if." Also, I invested a lot of my future in this man, and he led me down a road to believe him. It was hard to accept reality at first. I still sometimes sit in bewilderment at what happened.