How could he leave it like this??

[peruano99]

Hey Wistfulgirl why are you still thinking like this?

 

Completely understand how you feel. Although in my situation it has now been ended nastily with fOM and he now has a GF (he is single and never been in a proper relationship lasting more than 6 mths). The fact he is trying with someone else and wasnt prepared to try with me and be with me properly devestated me.

 

I hope is just a chemical high which will fade with time and NC, but is so raw at the mo. And I know how you feel that you will never have that kind of intense connection and passion like that with anyone else. Soul destroying.

 

But we got ourselves into our situations so I guess gotta ride it out. Hugs xxx

 

 

 

Judging from this post, you would have liked to continued the relationship with the OM and leave your husband yes?

Edited January 8, 2014 by peruano99

[wistfulgirl]

Peruano99 - I don't know what I want / wanted. With my rational mind I know it could only have been properly over by ending this way, as couldn't properly grieve the end before as he'd kept contact which kept my hope alive so couldn't move on. Logically I know my husband is the best man for me and how this has ended is the best situation all round. Emotionally and irrationally I still remember the times with fOM and the magic we (apparently) both felt and the fact that we could talk for hours, amazing connected sex etc so I miss that and him. I suppose that everyone has different parts of their psyche that crave different things, bit I don't wholly think, "I want to be with fOM and divorce my H", not at all. My minds a bit of a mess still and feel I need answers/ reasons for his behaviour.

 

Tiredofotall2 - yes a lot of that makes sense, he def liked to see himself as the "good guy" and that his conscience couldn't deal with the A, but I think he really does think he's that special and would only cheat with him, only as he is the only A I've had and he knows how strong my feelings were.

 

Soulstorm - your post explains what he's "done" but not "why", as I really don't think he's such a heartless monster as had always been so careful with my feelings, even when I found out about his GF and ended contact months ago. It's only now he's being so cold and leaving things nastily. And I wasn't trying to "mess things up with his current conquest", I only txt him merry Xmas and he's responded accusing me of lying and saying that's why we shouldn't speak anymore

Edited January 8, 2014 by wistfulgirl

[Scott Thomas]

I've been a BH/OM/Married OM. I'm going to use a few tough words; my sincere apologies but I believe it's about time you faced the harsh truth.

 

A. When the OM wanted sex, he contacted you. When he wanted a relationship that might ultimately result in marriage and children, he chose a single woman. A quick poll: dear posters, would you be willing to start a committed relationship/family with a person who cheats on her/his spouse?

By your actions, you demonstrated that, despite a marriage lasting 15 years, you're ready to hop in an another man's bed. Why, in your opinion, should he leave his 'good' girlfriend to start a relationship with you? He's already demonstrated that he prefers her over you. What he thought about your affair/actions is now irrelevant. It's time you stopped thinking about him.

 

B. When he'll get bored, he might call you and suggest you two seek closure. Judging by your posts, it's very likely that you'll resume the affair. However, when he's done with you, he'll go back to his nice, honest girlfriend. Even in this age, some men judge women by the number of sexual partners. A lot of men will judge you for cheating on your husband- they might not have a problem dating/bedding you but there not likely to invest in a long term future with you. This is why most OM, though not all, drop the MOW when they find it convenient. Is this, in any way, still unclear?

 

C. You are still mourning the loss of the OM. If you wanted to focus in your marriage, you'd be worried about your husband instead of asking what your OM thought about you. The fact that you still care more about him shows us that you are not focused on your marriage. Stop stringing your husband along. He's a grown man and will eventually find a woman who's honest with him. Stop wasting his and your time. Commit to your marriage if you are in love with your husband, not because he's a good guy or provides a back-up safety spot for you.

 

 

Now,I'm not saying that your are a bad human being. We all make mistakes- it's what we do afterwards that defines who we are. I'm sure that you are a decent and articulate person. Make a choice; the OM (despite his apparent contempt for you) or your H. If you believe that you would prefer a relationship with the OM then leave your husband. If you chose you husband then stop chasing the OM and forget about what he thinks.

[wistfulgirl]

Scott Thomas - thanks for your observations and comments. There is prob a lot of truth in what you've said, but just wanted to clear up a few points.

 

A. My fOM contacted me regularly, not just for sex, and for months after the A ended. Some ppl (not on here) have said that he has only now gone looking and found a GF as what he had with me made him realise he did want a R (as had previously never tried/stayed with anyone longer than few months). I had also been advised by this "friend" (before I found she lied to him) that he had already "freaked out" and dumped this GF as she was more serious than him and kept trying to change him, but got back with her after pressure from his family that he should settle down as always running from love. When he first got with her he told me that if I was single we would be together, but this is just a better situation for all.

 

B. I doubt he will contact me again, as he knows the pain caused from this and had already gone 3mths NC (initiated by me) before my Xmas txt when I realised he had been lied to. Also, if you say men judge by number of sexual partners, I had only slept with 3 men (H included) before fOM, which he knows about. I have no idea but would imagine his GF had slept with more than that as been single. Also, i didnt just "hop into bed" with him, as though i gave no thought to it and was easy for me to do, i agonised over this and was after weeks of him strongly persuing me (not in a sexual way) until I fell for him. And he knows I did not start this to "cheat on my H", I fell for him and had wanted to be with him, but would have been so much pressure of a R with me as I'd have given up everything, and he's so scared of commitment.

 

C. I am partially mourning the loss of fOM, but mostly hate how it's ended as feel like his whole perception of me has changed so dramatically based on lies told by this mutual "friend". It has made me question the whole validity of what we had as would /have never cheated before, just felt like it was "right" and was in love with him, and this has now been put into question.

 

What I want is to move on from my A and get over any residual feelings for fOM, but feel its hard to do given how nastily it has ended when I only ever treated him well and was always honest with him (that was something that was v important to us due to nature of our relationship). As I am unable to change his perception as refuse to initiate contact and he's ignored last msg, I want to forget and stop caring about what he thinks. I'm just finding it hard which is why I'm trying to understand him (and myself) which will hopefully make me see things more clearly.

Edited January 8, 2014 by wistfulgirl

[peruano99]

Wait you said you wanted to be with him on your last post. I assume if you wanted to be with him you would not continue to have an affair and leave your husband? You would be really selfish if you meant you wanted to still be with the OM AND with your husband.

 

 

Also you will not get answers for his behavior until he decides to tell you.

[wistfulgirl]

I wanted to be with him during A...so was pointing out to previous poster it was not just about sex and that I would have been with him. I am not saying that now, I have said that how it's ended has shown he obvs doesn't care, I just want to understand why he's being so cold and if he truly does believe I lied to this "friend" so that I can move on. I'm just struggling with moving on due to how it's ended. I have also said I would never get into this situation again.

 

I'm just putting all my thoughts and feelings on here as its helping to write it down and get people's opinions, I realise some may think I'm changing what I'm saying, I'm not I'm simply articulating all the conflicting thoughts I'm having to try and make sense of things.

[tiredofitall2]

Things you are saying:

 

 

• I hate it ended this way
  
• What we had was special
  
• I would have left my husband for OM
  
• The sexual and emotional connection with OM was better than with H
  
• I care about his perception of me
  
• I care that he believes the lies
  

I'm still waiting for you to say anything about you being concerned with what your H feels or thinks about this whole thing.

 

 

Those are only a few things I can remember. If I were your H and knew all of this I would NOT want to be with you. I think you are using your H as your safety net and he is your 2nd choice. If I were your H I would be devastated and would leave for a woman that would really love and want me.

 

I am always, always advocating for reconciliation, but after continuously reading your post it is clear what you feel.

 

I would suggest you tell your H exactly those things listed above and allow him to make a choice fully knowing all of this. Explain to him that if he chooses to leave you, you will be alone for some time and that likely you will not end up with OM although you do not discard being his booty call.

 

Be honest with him and yourself. Let him go if he so wishes. Now, if he stays, then it is his choice as a grown adult and any outcome and any fallout he has accepted as a grown man.

 

If he leaves he will find a new woman. I will guarantee you that at that point all your feelings for OM will quickly dissipate. You will find yourself mourning for the loss of your M and H. Not only that, but all the lust will go towards your XH as you can now clearly see that other women want and have him.

 

I'm not psychic it is the way these situations always play themselves out. It is the same story over and over and over again.

 

Either you see what's going on here from what we are telling yo and do the right thing or you can go down the path of destruction. Your choice.

[SoulStorm]

I wanted to be with him during A...so was pointing out to previous poster it was not just about sex and that I would have been with him. I am not saying that now, I have said that how it's ended has shown he obvs doesn't care, I just want to understand why he's being so cold and if he truly does believe I lied to this "friend" so that I can move on. I'm just struggling with moving on due to how it's ended. I have also said I would never get into this situation again.

 

I'm just putting all my thoughts and feelings on here as its helping to write it down and get people's opinions, I realise some may think I'm changing what I'm saying, I'm not I'm simply articulating all the conflicting thoughts I'm having to try and make sense of things.

 

What you are failing to realize is that he did use you. He wanted a relationship with no Strings

that is what you gave him. He said and did all the right things because he was getting what he wanted.

Women tend to base reality on their emotions. You think the way he made you feel was true reality When it is all a part of how he operates with women in particular. He gives them everything they want because women will give him what he wants.

 

Think about it, what real reason does he have to be angry about what that woman Said? It's an excuse to move on from you because now you are yesterday's news for him.

 

You are wrapped up in the emotional aspect that he fed you to get what he wanted. You are wrapped up in the fact that he could so easily leave on a bad note. That destroys for you the whole relationship you wanted to believe was so special, When there is nothing special about a relationship that is an affair to a Commitment phobe. You won't know why he did it because who knows the mind of a person with commitment issues? In his own way he is a monster because he will always be hurting women because he can't commit

[tiredofitall2]

= We all make mistakes- it's what we do afterwards that defines who we are.

 

This is great!

[Scott Thomas]

Go on google and search the various tactics men use to sleep with married women. Spend 2-3 days reading all articles up to page 10. Better yet, read what most (not all) men think about the married women they've slept with. Better yet, buy some books on the topic or read some literature presented by Robert Greene/other so-called Lord Byron imitators. Let me know if a few tactics resonate with you.

[wistfulgirl]

I don't think he purposefully used "tactics" to sleep with me...that's not in his character at all and he'd never been with anyone that was in a R at all let alone married. I cannot fathom that he went out of his way to "trick me" into getting sex, and believe it or not he did have a conscience over the situation.

 

It's difficult cus a lot of the comments have been based on an assumption that he is a typical "player" and I'm a typical "cheating spouse" when everyone's situation is different and should be judged on its own merit.

 

And I don't understand why he would pretend to be angry with me just to get rid of me when I'd already cut contact with him months ago and only sent merry Xmas. Surely If he was such a using monster that can't commit to anything either way he'd keep me sweet just in case he had future use for me. Or he could have not replied at all. Just seems strange to me so think he really does believe I lied (and not that that makes him angry as such, just that he thinks its "****ed up")

[Dimepiece]

Why don't you divorce your husband and then work on this other relationship ? Why stay with someone you don't love ?

[tiredofitall2]

Affairs are all just about the same. They really are! That is why there is a so called WS Script. And guess what? This sort of makes you similar to most WW.

 

We are just going on what you have said here.

 

He has a problem with commitment and he went for a married woman.

 

Even if you were his first one, he went for the perfect situation even if unconsciously.

 

With a MW you don't have to commit as she is already in a committed R. Once things got to "serious" it would make sense he would want out.

 

Why would he have you as an option right now when you are so deep intno him? There is too much risk and too much drama at the moment.

 

So right now you are not convenient. All this does not have to be conscious. This is what he is feeling, trust us.

[peruano99]

I wanted to be with him during A...so was pointing out to previous poster it was not just about sex and that I would have been with him. I am not saying that now, I have said that how it's ended has shown he obvs doesn't care, I just want to understand why he's being so cold and if he truly does believe I lied to this "friend" so that I can move on. I'm just struggling with moving on due to how it's ended. I have also said I would never get into this situation again.

 

I'm just putting all my thoughts and feelings on here as its helping to write it down and get people's opinions, I realise some may think I'm changing what I'm saying, I'm not I'm simply articulating all the conflicting thoughts I'm having to try and make sense of things.

 

Help me understand something here please. You said you wanted to be with your husband still if you had continued having an affair? Why? Don't you think that's unfair to your husband?

 

 

You know after reading this, it seemed you were not really trying to change your ways. You said you would like to be with your husband and still have the affair.

Edited January 8, 2014 by peruano99

[wistfulgirl]

Pereuno99- I did not say that at all!! I said that when I fell for fOM I would have left my H to be in a R with him. I did not/ do not want to be in an A! I fell in love with someone else when was at a bad time in my M and within myself, and I wanted (at the time) to be in an honest R with him. When it ended I told my H of affair (although yes I met him twice more months later and we kept in contact). Please don't put words in my mouth as I did not say I wanted to restart the A

[peruano99]

Oh ok. I misunderstood your post.

[Scott Thomas]

Alright, screw the AP (not literally- I meant that let's get rid of him), now to more important topics. How is your marriage faring? What steps have you two taken to reconcile or strengthen your marriage?

I remember a thread on marriage builders-same story as yours- I posted it a few months ago, you might want to read their story.

[wistfulgirl]

My M has been improving over the last few weeks/months...have been more affectionate and generally making more effort. Want to work on being happy and closer with my H. The only thing clouding the M is my thoughts for fOM which is why I started this thread...

 

Do you have a link to thread you mentioned and i'll check it out, thank you x

[beach]

My M has been improving over the last few weeks/months...have been more affectionate and generally making more effort. Want to work on being happy and closer with my H. The only thing clouding the M is my thoughts for fOM which is why I started this thread...

 

Do you have a link to thread you mentioned and i'll check it out, thank you x

 

Are you saying that your marriage improves when you spend more time, energy and effort paying attention to the relationship?

[wistfulgirl]

Well yes, obviously. But my H had not been giving me any attention/affection and had been constantly belittling and criticising me leading up to my A so I think both partners have a level of responsibility in keeping the M alive. I know I was the one to stray not him so realise I'm the bad person here, but he contributed to the circumstances that laid the groundwork for the A.

 

Since I told him how unhappy I was and how each time he starts an unnecessary argument / puts me down it chips away at the M a bit at a time and pushes us further apart he had made more effort and I have done also so yes, things are improving and hope they continue to do so. I am, however, still petrified at the thought of getting pregnant and I think a lot of that is down to the A, and the question to myself that if he was the right person, would I have done what I did? I think I do over romanticise things and want that constant feeling of love and acceptance (as dont give it to myself) so this leads me to over think about things..

Edited January 8, 2014 by wistfulgirl

[Scott Thomas]

Read the threads by a bs here, it'll take 2-5 years of hard work to recover your marriage. I am a bit perplexed; your husband's reaction is very different from what I've normally scene. Is it possible for you to ask him to join this forum?

I'll try finding that post, must be somewhere in my posts' history

[wistfulgirl]

In what way is his reaction different? Just curious as to why you think this and how this compares to most ppl?

[MuddyFootprints]

Well yes, obviously. But my H had not been giving me any attention/affection and had been constantly belittling and criticising me leading up to my A so I think both partners have a level of responsibility in keeping the M alive. I know I was the one to stray not him so realise I'm the bad person here, but he contributed to the circumstances that laid the groundwork for the A.

 

Since I told him how unhappy I was and how each time he starts an unnecessary argument / puts me down it chips away at the M a bit at a time and pushes us further apart he had made more effort and I have done also so yes, things are improving and hope they continue to do so. I am, however, still petrified at the thought of getting pregnant and I think a lot of that is down to the A, and the question to myself that if he was the right person, would I have done what I did? I think I do over romanticise things and want that constant feeling of love and acceptance (as dont give it to myself) so this leads me to over think about things..

 

You are asking yourself some great questions.

 

You need to learn how to give it to yourself. This is crucial. Otherwise, yes, I do think you would have done what you did and are still at risk of repeating the behaviour.

 

I, too, had this romanticized ideal of what love looked like and was in a very similar place as you. I am beyond grateful that my truly loving husband gave me the opportunity to begin realizing my/our dreams of a happily ever after.

[wistfulgirl]

Lightning Bug- do you not think that it takes 2 to make a marriage work? And I am not blaming him for my A, but partially blaming him for his contribution to the dynamic and distance in the M that led to the A.

 

Muddyfootprints - how did you make the change from where you were to where you are now in your M? X

[RightThere]

Lightning Bug- do you not think that it takes 2 to make a marriage work? And I am not blaming him for my A, but partially blaming him for his contribution to the dynamic and distance in the M that led to the A.

 

It does take two people to make a marriage work. And if one person does not contribute, then it can cause the relationship to breakdown.

 

But it takes one person to decide to cheat. Your spouse had no say in that. He was going through the same problems you were, but you were the only one who went outside of your marriage for validation because you didn't want to put anymore work into your relationship.

 

You can blame him for contributing the the breakdown of the marriage. But crossing that line of cheating was all your decision.