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How could he leave it like this??


wistfulgirl

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New to this forum and need some advice / support please!! Apologies in advance for the long story...

 

I am a married woman (please dont judge me) and last year was going through a bad patch in my marriage (no intimacy, conversation, connection etc). I met a great guy through a mutual friend (my colleague) and I fell in love with him very hard. I'd never cheated on my husband in all the 15 years we've been together, but the connection with this guy was so intense and felt so right I couldnt help myself. We started an affair I was seriously considering leaving my husband for him as I felt that strongly.

 

He then ended things with me after a few months, saying he couldnt handle the situation and wanted to be single (he had never had a relationship last over 6 months and is openly commitmentphobic). I was devestated and ended up telling my husband about my affair as felt it had ruined everything. I suffer from depression and anxiety which got much worse at this stage.

 

I eventually made things up with my husband and moved back home.The mutual "friend" that introduced us turned on me quite dramatically, and after a row (over him) she told me I had made the biggest mistake of my life and she would destroy me.

 

We kept in contact the whole time (via text and email) and I couldnt get over him as felt so strongly. After months of texts and emails our affair restared again for a few weeks, until again he ended it telling me he loved me but couldnt handle the situation (although he knew that if he asked me to leave my husband I would have done). He continued to stay in touch and he knew how much I loved him and would do anything for him, but said he always freaked out when relationships got close and knew he's never have a long term serious relationship due to his commitment issues.

 

Months later (even though we were still in contact) I found out that he now had a girlfriend! I was absolutely heartbroken as felt like he'd kept me on the back burner until he found someone better and that he obvs didnt think I was good enough. He told me what an amazing girl I am and if I wasnt married we'd be together but that this situation is better all round. I told him I couldnt handle hearing about his gf as I still loved him and had to cut contact and delete him from facebook. We left things on a nice note, and said our goodbyes and would always care for each other.

 

Months later I found out that this "friend" / colleague had a family bereavement, so I thought I would be the bigger person and offer the olive branch of friendship again. She seemed to accept this and we started talking, and she asked me about this guy and when we had last been in contact. I stupidly trusted her and told her the whole story, that we had been in contact the whole time, had restarted things but he ended it as wanted to be single and that I was gutted he now had a girlfriend. Se told me that him and his new girlfriend were not as rosy ad I prob thought and that gave me hope.

 

Weeks later, on Christmas day, I was drunk and wistful and thinking about him and sent him a text saying merry christmas babe xxx. He read and ignored this (which he had never done before). I then realised that this mutual "friend" may have given him a distorted version of what I had told her, so a few days later i text him again saying I hope he wasnt ignoring me cus he thought id said something against him as I never would, would never forget him and hope hes well and happy.

 

He then replied the next night saying "I didnt reply as id heard your lies about us. I couldnt believe that you would have said it but now, reading your 2nd message I know you did. What you said to *mutual friend* is f*cked up so best we never speak ever again. Any relationship we had is 100% over. Hope you can move on in your life"

 

He now wont reply to any of my messages and thinks im a crazy liar!! Im devestated that its been left like this as ive always been good to him and never lied to him once!

 

Is there any way I can try and repair this? Will he look back and remember the good times or have her lies completely ruined his perception of me for good? Dont know how to get over this as ended so nastily and so frustrating as cant prove my innocence! I had cut contact with him before (in a nice way) but now he has tured this on me and cut contact with me when Ive done nothing wrong and only text him merry christmas!! Help!!!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Well, if you really want to keep him as a friend, I would just write to him that he should decide for himself whom he believes (you or the mutual friend), that you never lied to him and you are not lying now, but if he thinks so low of you there is indeed no reason to maintain contact. And leave it at that.

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You will always want him, because you are in a marriage that is unfulfilling. If you were a real single gal, you would tell him to go f$ck himself. But, he seems like your only option out of that marriage. I have gone through this ( I told my husband I am separating). The unfulfilling marriage is the source of this issue.

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I did send him a message on NYE, I gave it a few days after the last conv where he said that to me cus wanted to get my point across when I wasnt really upset and crying and prob coming off worse...i laid it all out there and hope to god he believes me but has just read and ignored it :-(

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Yeah I suppose would be different if I was single...but then he had said (up until hes been told these lies) that if I was single we would be together, and think he did mean it when he said it. He just couldnt handle having an affair (and neither could I) but he never asked me to leave. Just so frustrated and keep thinking of what she must have said to him to make him turn on me and be so cold after everything cus all ove done is loved him

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bubbaganoosh

Yeah. Divorce your husband. Give that man a chance to get a new life without you in it.

 

Your a very selfish woman and you got what you deserved. You had no problem putting your husband on the back burner and thought nothing of it and some how after you came clean with him, he found it in his heart to forgive you and you kick him in the teeth again.

 

Now you find yourself on the back burner and are now realizing that that it ain't a bed of roses to kicked to the curb.

 

I don't know what excatly you want. If it's understanding and sympathy, I doubt that you will get it here.

 

What you did was flat out wrong, got a chance to right a wrong and rather than learn a lesson, you turn around and do the same thing again.

 

Please give your husband his freedom so he has a chance to be happy. It's the right thing to do.

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I agree....never felt so low about myself that I was prepared to do that to my husband and walk away from my whole life when i clearly mean so little to him. My husbands a good man but we have nothing in common and so distant from each other...just hadnt felt that kind of passion and connection for so many years

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Thanks for your opinion. Obviosly theres a great deal more to the story that what im able to fit into here. I have tried to break up with my husband a number of times over the years, and every time he gets so upset and cries and tells me hes the one that cares and no one else will love me like that so I find it so hard to walk away from that when i have such low self esteem. He has been there for me through the worst of my bipolar deprression when I have been suicidal and dont think anyone else would put up with how bad I get so feel I owe it to him to not walk away. And he has not always been an angel over the years himself, we are all human and flawed. but thanks anyway

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I agree....never felt so low about myself that I was prepared to do that to my husband and walk away from my whole life when i clearly mean so little to him. My husbands a good man but we have nothing in common and so distant from each other...just hadnt felt that kind of passion and connection for so many years

 

You state your husband is a good man. Have you done anything to work on your marriage -- trying marriage counselling, talking to your husband about what you hope for in your marriage, etc. specifically when you both decided to reconcile? Was there any talk about what needs to be worked on, changes, what you both can do to make it more exciting?

 

Cheating isn't your answer. You either work on your marriage or you move on. You can't seek what you lack in your marriage from another man and hope for the root of your issues to just go away. You can have ten affairs, but at the end of the day you are still in an unfulfilling marriage. What are you going to do about that?

 

The guy is single. Let him go. Focus on what you need to be doing moving forward. If you are going to stay married, work on it. You cut contact with this guy regardless of what he thinks about you. And don't stay in your marriage because you are using your husband as a crutch. It's unfair and it is cruel. If you don't want to be married, let your husband go so that he can be with a committed partner.

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Can't sympathise with the OP at all, sorry. I feel sorry for the husband.

 

Some advice:

-If the husband doesn't make an effort and there has been no connection between you, then why are you still with him and why does he have such low respect for himself to accept what you are doing? Leave him so he can move on.

-If the husband has been actively trying to solve the marriage and you haven't because you are more interested in this other guy, then finish the marriage so he doesn't suffer anymore. Leave him so he can move on.

-If your husband cheated on you and you cheated on him, why are you still together? Leave him

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I understand your opinions and thanks for taking the time to reply.

I wish things were as simple as you suggest but things aren't always that black and white. My husband is aware of how unhappy I've been, and I have tried to end things with him on 3 seperate occasions over the last couple of years, but every time I have tried he doesn't want to let me go and I feel so much guilt over what I have done and the fact that he forgave me that how can I try and leave him again? He tells me he's the only one who cares about me and that no one will ever love me like he does, and I'm sure he's right which is very hard to walk away from, especially when he's the only relationship I've ever been in my whole life and I have such low self esteem already. And he had been there for me when I have been suicidal with depression and no one else would put up with that (which he also tells me). Also the family, extended family, mutual friends etc after 15 years together. Wish things were more simple but unfortunately they are not. I have been trying to work on the marriage and if course there are things we discussed re changes but nothing ever materialises so end up between a rock and a hard place. Not trying to get sympathy from here, just support and advice

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I understand your opinions and thanks for taking the time to reply.

I wish things were as simple as you suggest but things aren't always that black and white. My husband is aware of how unhappy I've been, and I have tried to end things with him on 3 seperate occasions over the last couple of years, but every time I have tried he doesn't want to let me go and I feel so much guilt over what I have done and the fact that he forgave me that how can I try and leave him again? He tells me he's the only one who cares about me and that no one will ever love me like he does, and I'm sure he's right which is very hard to walk away from, especially when he's the only relationship I've ever been in my whole life and I have such low self esteem already. And he had been there for me when I have been suicidal with depression and no one else would put up with that (which he also tells me). Also the family, extended family, mutual friends etc after 15 years together. Wish things were more simple but unfortunately they are not. I have been trying to work on the marriage and if course there are things we discussed re changes but nothing ever materialises so end up between a rock and a hard place. Not trying to get sympathy from here, just support and advice

 

Of course no one wants to let go. You both are so dependent on each other. Is that an excuse to stay? No. You use him because you think you can't find any better and he uses you because he's co-dependent. Then you note that another reason you are together is because of history.

 

Textbook excuses.

 

I'm not sure what advice you are looking for. You either do something about it or stop complaining. It's difficult to condone cheating because you want to have your cake and eat it too. Like I said, you either leave and that means bearing the pain of guilt and the possibility of loneliness or you stay in an unfulfilling marriage -- and cheating won't change that.

 

If your marriage is down the tubes, let your husband go. He will be sad, upset, angry, hurt -- he will grieve the ending of your marriage but he will overcome it. Normal and natural. We all have to go through that process. Don't use that as an excuse and don't stay because you can't be burdened by your guilt.

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Fair point, I take on board everything you've said. And I wasn't making excuses with the history we have, it is part and parcel of the marriage and have to take all things into account. And maybe he is codependent, I never thought if it like that but may be true.

 

I suppose my questioning on here is more to do with coping with the current situation of the ex other man, and dealing with the fact he's cut all contact based on a lie and something I have never said/done. I know it's the best thing to let it go I just struggle with it cus of how it ended so nastily when I loved him so much and did nothing wrong to him. Also, with reference to my marriage I had never cheated in 15 years, is my only relationship as I said and had never met anyone I'd connected to like that and now I know how it can be with someone else that's made me question my marriage...but he doesn't want me. And hate to leave it thinking it didnt mean anything when I put everything on the line because of him.

 

I know as I'm writing this I'm coming across bad, hasn't put it all in writing before and it helps, which I guess is why I've come here for clarity and advice so thank you x

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Fair point, I take on board everything you've said. And I wasn't making excuses with the history we have, it is part and parcel of the marriage and have to take all things into account. And maybe he is codependent, I never thought if it like that but may be true.

 

I suppose my questioning on here is more to do with coping with the current situation of the ex other man, and dealing with the fact he's cut all contact based on a lie and something I have never said/done. I know it's the best thing to let it go I just struggle with it cus of how it ended so nastily when I loved him so much and did nothing wrong to him. Also, with reference to my marriage I had never cheated in 15 years, is my only relationship as I said and had never met anyone I'd connected to like that and now I know how it can be with someone else that's made me question my marriage...but he doesn't want me. And hate to leave it thinking it didnt mean anything when I put everything on the line because of him.

 

I know as I'm writing this I'm coming across bad, hasn't put it all in writing before and it helps, which I guess is why I've come here for clarity and advice so thank you x

 

Commitment is part and parcel of a marriage as well. History means nothing when the fundamentals of a marriage is non-existent. You're keeping up appearances. You're afraid of the backlash and what family and friends may say about you. It isn't about family and friends when what is being presented is already a farce to everyone.

 

How to cope with the current situation? Well, what does it matter whether he left based on a lie or not, or whether it ended nastily. I think the way it ended is actually a blessing to you because now you aren't able to use the affair to avoid facing the issues you have within yourself and your marriage. You may have loved him and I would question that as well as to whether you were amplfying and romanticizing it because it helped you escape from your marriage. In any case, what you feel is what you feel. Unfortunately, it's something you have to go through just as what any one of us will have to face after a break-up. And endings are nasty and painful so what you are experiencing isn't unique. You'll just have to grieve this but in a sense look at it as a slap in the face to wake you up and take stock of your life and what you want from it.

 

You chose to put everything on the line. He is not responsible for that. When you choose to be in an affair, the consequences were/are yours. And in ANY relationship, there is a risk of someone breaking your heart.

 

You said that he is commitment phobic. I want to say that he may have opted out when he realized you were wanting to leave your marriage? A married woman is a perfect candidate for someone that isn't seeking commitment. He knows he doesn't have to face commitment when you are married to someone else. I'm not sure what happened but if you say that he doesn't stay in relationships for more than 6 months, what would have made you an exception -- in that this was bound to end as well? And if he ended nastily without ever giving you a chance to explain, but simply cutting you off coldly, I would have to say that he may be using it as an excuse to get out.

Edited by Zahara
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Fair comments. I suppose I'm finding it hard cus I haven't been in relationships/dating etc and hadn't had my heart properly broken as have always been with the same man since I was 17. So feels really intense and hurtful as he's changed his whole perception of me when I've done nothing against him.

 

I guess I didn't really consider being an exception to the rule (or his commitmentphobia as such) its just that he gave me all the attention, affection, passion etc and how we were together was so intense I just got swept up by it all and thought I meant as much to him as he did to me. And had never risked my heart like that before (like everyone does going into relationships) as hasn't had that experience.

 

 

Maybe it eases his conscience to believe I'm a f*cked up liar but I'm not at all, and know what I did was wrong but honestly never done that before and am actually a very compassionate caring person, even though those actions don't display that. I suppose I was vulnerable to an affair as my marriage was so rocky and distant and he came along at the right time, told me the right things to get what he wanted then left me hurting without a nice ending so can't even look back at what I thought we had with anything but pain

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You are CERTAINLY over romantizing this relationship. You were in need, desperate for affection and love and he gave it to you. That's it...that is all that is to it. I know because I did the EXACT same thing. I was deeply depressed in my marriage, and I found a distraction, latched onto it, he left me, I was miserable. Decided to move on from the marital relationship, and emotionally heal myself so i will no longer be attracted to (pulled toward) emotionally unavailable men.

 

I see it in myself very clearly. some people say that the initial strong attraction is us trying fix a trauma in our past. I think it's true. I see it, I know where the trauma originated. it's not love, it feels like love, it's an emotional pull.

 

It's going to hurt though. I would break out in tears for months. but, I think, I hope, I am on a journey to self discovery...by my SELF.

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Fair comments. I suppose I'm finding it hard cus I haven't been in relationships/dating etc and hadn't had my heart properly broken as have always been with the same man since I was 17. So feels really intense and hurtful as he's changed his whole perception of me when I've done nothing against him.

 

I guess I didn't really consider being an exception to the rule (or his commitmentphobia as such) its just that he gave me all the attention, affection, passion etc and how we were together was so intense I just got swept up by it all and thought I meant as much to him as he did to me. And had never risked my heart like that before (like everyone does going into relationships) as hasn't had that experience.

 

 

Maybe it eases his conscience to believe I'm a f*cked up liar but I'm not at all, and know what I did was wrong but honestly never done that before and am actually a very compassionate caring person, even though those actions don't display that. I suppose I was vulnerable to an affair as my marriage was so rocky and distant and he came along at the right time, told me the right things to get what he wanted then left me hurting without a nice ending so can't even look back at what I thought we had with anything but pain

 

Losing someone you love is hard regardless of how many times you've endured heart break.

 

As I said before, maybe there is no negative perception of you but more so he used this as an opportunity to cut the cord. His perception of you will mean nothing to you in time. It does now because you feel rejected and that in turn makes you question what you meant to him. The thing is, a man that cared and loved you would be careful with your feelings, even if he was walking away. The fact that he chose to side with a friend, and so coldly cut you off rather than communicate kindly with someone he had an emotional and physical connection with over a period of 6 months is telling that he could be doing this to gaslight you and place the blame on you. It helps him alleviate his guilt.

 

I'm sure it was intense with all the other relationships he was in. Men who fear commitment often have short, intense relationships. Once the honeymoon period is over, they split. If he can't hold a relationship for more than 6 months (which should have been a red flag for you) you should have stayed away. We tend to think it's going to be different with us, but unfortunately not. They are who they are regardles of what you have to offer.

 

I would suggest you start focusing on whether you want your marriage or not. You can't keep doing what you're doing.

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Thanks for your comment Angry Bird...that does resonate with me and hope that in time I can look back on this as a learning experience not such a devastating loss I won't get over. And as the beginning was so intense it seemed to have magical qualities (which he even said himself) but suppose anything that powerful and intense can't be healthy normal love, I don't know

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It was actually almost 18 months ago since we started talking originally. And he was always careful with my feelings up until this point that this so called friend lied to him. I do believe he really cared for me, and was never cold before, and I hadn't been trying to continue contact (I'd cut contact with him) but had a weak moment Xmas day which has lead to this.

 

And I agree, I'm sure all his relationships have been the same , intense at the start until he freaks out and leaves. Can't help but feel this new girl he's with will last, but prob just my insecurities playing up.

 

 

And yeah, it probably is easier for him to believe negative things about me so can look back with no regrets over how he treated me, it's just hard to accept that he feels that way when its not true and nothing I can do to make him believe me. Just wanted us both to be able to remember how we were together without only looking back with pain and regret. I know for sure ill never let myself get into this situation again, just not worth the pain it's caused all round

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Been with him 15 years, faithful 13.5 - thats right i haven't "worked on my relationship" at all. Yes I was weak and succumbed after all that time as craved a connection and passion, I'm flawed and human like the rest of us

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And I fell in love with this guy, didnt go looking for it, and clearly the best thing all round would to be happy and fulfilled in my marriage. Just find it hard to control my feelings, am in therapy and on antidepressants etc, fair play you are entitled to your opinion and to judge me but I'm not a "bad person" that f*cks things up for the "good guys" like you- you're making an assumption about my whole being and character based on one action that I have paid dearly for and an suffering from on a daily basis. But thanks for taking the time to reply!

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Wolverinefan - thanks for your comments, they are helpful and I can recognise that I did put him on a massive pedestal and thought he was like an angel that could do no wrong. So yeah maybe him ending things so nastily can allow me to hate him which will hopefully make it easier to get over him.

 

And I know, I suppose I said that cus I do judge myself so expect others to...and am trying to focus on my marriage and give it my all so if it doesn't work out I can look back knowing I did all I could

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deathandtaxes
And I fell in love with this guy, didnt go looking for it, and clearly the best thing all round would to be happy and fulfilled in my marriage. Just find it hard to control my feelings, am in therapy and on antidepressants etc, fair play you are entitled to your opinion and to judge me but I'm not a "bad person" that f*cks things up for the "good guys" like you- you're making an assumption about my whole being and character based on one action that I have paid dearly for and an suffering from on a daily basis. But thanks for taking the time to reply!

 

 

 

You will be your own worst critic, as we all are. But have you learned anything?

 

 

Anyways, what do you want from AP? Do you want a relationship with him? Then divorce your husband. Don't play games.

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I don't know what I want, especially not now. And have learned how easily he can walk away from me so has jolted me from seeing it through rosé tinted glasses. Just suppose I want him to remember me for how I actually am and the "good times" we had rather than it all being destroyed from this girls lies. Just want to know I did mean something to him cus rightly of wrongly he meant so much to me

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