How could he leave it like this??

[wistfulgirl]

I agree, and take responsibility for that. But each individual in the M has their own issues and weaknesses, my H has a very solid "sense of self" and a completely different upbringing and history to myself. He has complete belief and security in who he is, to the point of arrogance, and I have an extremely unstable self image (which fluctuates dependant on others treatment/perceptions of me) low self esteem and suffer with depression and anxiety. So the put downs, stonewalling and lack of affection probably effected me more than him. Not making any excuses but just explaining contributing factors that have maybe had an input in my behaviour.

[beach]

I agree, and take responsibility for that. But each individual in the M has their own issues and weaknesses, my H has a very solid "sense of self" and a completely different upbringing and history to myself. He has complete belief and security in who he is, to the point of arrogance, and I have an extremely unstable self image (which fluctuates dependant on others treatment/perceptions of me) and low self esteem. So the put downs, stonewalling and lack of affection probably effected me more than him. Not making any excuses but just explaining contributing factors that have maybe had an input in my behaviour.

 

Are you working on that for yourself in counseling?

[wistfulgirl]

Yes, I've been in IC and CBT for 12mths now and have improved quite significantly since started A, but still distressed by fOM's negative perception of me which is based on lies, and am trying to come to terms with that and accept how it ended and that I likely didnt mean as much to him as he did to me x

[MuddyFootprints]

Muddyfootprints - how did you make the change from where you were to where you are now in your M? X

 

Simplistically, I made the choice to change.

[atreides]

I only respond to the quotes below because the OM is still more of a concern for you even though you have been improving which is great to see. The last few pages have been a bit of reverting back via your small defense of "what he the OM feels" below. I know it's hard and it is my opinion but as you said, you want to get past the feelings you have for OM and fix your M. The first steps are recognizing and coming to terms with it to move forward.

 

 

I don't think he purposefully used "tactics" to sleep with me...that's not in his character at all and he'd never been with anyone that was in a R at all let alone married. I cannot fathom that he went out of his way to "trick me" into getting sex, and believe it or not he did have a conscience over the situation.

 

It's difficult cus a lot of the comments have been based on an assumption that he is a typical "player" and I'm a typical "cheating spouse" when everyone's situation is different and should be judged on its own merit.

 

And I don't understand why he would pretend to be angry with me just to get rid of me when I'd already cut contact with him months ago and only sent merry Xmas. Surely If he was such a using monster that can't commit to anything either way he'd keep me sweet just in case he had future use for me. Or he could have not replied at all. Just seems strange to me so think he really does believe I lied (and not that that makes him angry as such, just that he thinks its "****ed up")

 

 

Of course he used tactics, your defense is that he communicated with you many times without sex. Ok, had he not done that do you really think you would have allowed him to get physical?

He dumped you twice when he saw you wanted more than he did, you are confused and hurt by this. Understandable.

He likely wont ever have GF he will dump and dump and dump and play the game until satiated.

 

i know it hurts that he dumped you (twice now) and deep down likely hurts you more that you were played, lied to basically. I just wish you could then project that pain of being lied to in-turn to your H... lies going in circles. A couple of posters here who quite frequently use the word karma.

 

Pereuno99- I did not say that at all!! I said that when I fell for fOM I would have left my H to be in a R with him. I did not/ do not want to be in an A! I fell in love with someone else when was at a bad time in my M and within myself, and I wanted (at the time) to be in an honest R with him. When it ended I told my H of affair (although yes I met him twice more months later and we kept in contact). Please don't put words in my mouth as I did not say I wanted to restart the A

 

I do not think words are being put in your mouth, no matter how genuine your feelings for the OM are, it does not change the definition of what you are doing. IF you had a relationship with the OM and left your H, it would be called an exit affair.

As you said in your own words to me in a post via the "3rd time" post, by saying your feelings are real for this man and that you are conscientiously not perceiving yourself in this for lust but felt something very real and I am sure you did; that, therefore you are not seeking out an A but wanted the OM to be just as real in love with you enough to leave your H, that it is somehow on higher ground?

 

Well yes, obviously. But my H had not been giving me any attention/affection and had been constantly belittling and criticising me leading up to my A so I think both partners have a level of responsibility in keeping the M alive. I know I was the one to stray not him so realise I'm the bad person here, but he contributed to the circumstances that laid the groundwork for the A.

 

 

Lightning Bug- do you not think that it takes 2 to make a marriage work? And I am not blaming him for my A, but partially blaming him for his contribution to the dynamic and distance in the M that led to the A.

 

 

 

I think it is important for coming to terms with what has happened going into the future.

Beyond that the two bold contradict each other, it is completely non sequitur to say M problems = affairs, there is no "led" to the A in any construct or context an M can bring. For example, I know a few couples with kids who lived like roommates, not as husband and wife should and none cheated. Instead 1 just decided enough was enough and filed for D and is now re-married. Another, it took a car accident to wake them up. The other, actually said they wanted out and they worked on the M instead. Cheating has nothing to do with M problems, it is something we look into ourselves as to why. There are a few great examples on LS that i have great respect for that clearly and flatly admit, that they wanted "cake eating" were "selfish", "greedy" and so on. They did not give "excuses", "reasons", "explanations", "contributing factors" and they all had just as many M problems as the rest of us.

 

You said it yourself, you have been lied to by this OM so it should not matter how things ended right? That somehow ending it better makes the lies more genuine?

Edited January 9, 2014 by atreides

[peruano99]

I think that OP may listen to some of the advice here, but her judgement is still clouded by the OM. Once she forgets about the OM, she can do her decisions without any doubts.

 

 

But wistful girl, you have to want to change your thoughts about the OM. You say you will change and that you love your husband, however your posts in this thread indicate that you care more about the OM than your husband. A lot of your posts have been about the OM, and yet you rarely post about your husband.

[wistfulgirl]

Just want to thank everyone for taking the time to comment, it's really appreciated.

 

Just to clarify, and I know this has come across badly and like I'm blaming my H, but all I meant was that he had a part to play in creating a climate in our M where we didnt speak to each other, was a lot of emotional distance and felt very alone in my M. I then wholly take responsibility for how I chose to deal with this.

 

I know I have posted more about fOM here, and in "real life" our M is improving a lot and I am working on rebuilding the connection. This is just the place I'm venting my insecurities and thoughts re fOM which is why I started the thread. But things are getting better at home and things are becoming clearer to me, so thank you all!

[Oberfeldwebel]

Your husband played a part in the downfall of the marriage. No one would blame you for wanting to leave someone who has treated you poorly. However, nothing he did made you have an affair. None of this really has anything to do with either man, this has to do with you. Your concern for what this OM thinks is a direct result in your lack of self-esteem. Most people would say, who give a rats a$$ what the other man thinks one way or the other. The fact that you allow what he thinks inhibit your reconciliation is very telling. Unfortunately, since you no longer have any contact with him, you can't improve his impression. So you can continue to dwell on this or let it go. You need to explore the fact that the relationship was based in fantasy and not reality.

 

It seems that part of your lack of self-esteem is based on verbal abuse by your husband. If that is true, then you need to reclaim you. In both of these situations you have to start being honest with yourself.

[Spectre]

Spectre - you have repeatedly given YOUR opinion on what I should do based on the limited info I have given on here. I completely understand that the course of action you suggest is what YOU think is the best thing, and that as I have failed to follow your single minded advice that I am a horrible person. I can list numerous aspects of my character and personality traits that go against your judgement but there is no point. I have got myself into my current situation but do not believe this completely writes off everything else about me. Things aren't always so black and white, and am considering the whole situation.

 

Is it right that all marriages that have dealt with an affair (which I have read us up to 45% at some time during the M) should immediately divorce? Or that the lack of " in love" feeling is justification for divorce? I am not taking away from what I have done but moving forwards I am considering the best thing to do for ALL involved.

 

If I did not have any care and respect for my husband the decision would be easy, walk away and don't look back. But unfortunately things aren't that simple and I do have live, care and attachment to my husband. If this makes ms a terrible person in your opinion, so be it

 

I'm sorry, but you are mostly talking nonsense now. I do feel that yeah..all marriages should end once an affair happens. It is as simple as that, since..well, kind of one of the whole promises of this marriage thing is not cheating. Once it's broken..well, it's broken. You stood up there, took vows, etc. and then you threw them away. You don't get take backs, sorry..this isn't a videogame or something, this is a persons life and you royally screwed with it. You shouldn't treat strangers this badly, let alone people you claim to love.

 

On one hand I get that you are saying "Oh I shouldn't give up on my marriage so easily!" but on the other hand I can't help but think "why were you not this gung ho about fixing this before sleeping with another dude?". It's sort of like when I see people cheat and then say they refuse to tell their spouse because they feel it is selfish and they do not want to hurt their feelings. The reason that only crazy insane people say stuff like that is because it is ludicrous to think you can suddenly start being all caring *after* a huge betrayal. Basically, if you were so in love with your husband your feelings should of prevented you from cheating on him..instead of merely making you feel bad after the fact. It's kind of the difference between love and being IN love. You do not have the latter, sorry.

 

I don't think you are horrible, but you made the choice to give up on your marriage the exact second you were unfaithful, period. It doesn't matter what you were going through at the time, you are an adult and you are in control of your own body, and what you did just plain should not of happened. It sucks, but that is the truth. You aren't horrible, but you surely need to get out of this mans life faster then Speedy Gonzalez.

 

Simply put: your marriage is not worth working on because of your betrayal. If it was literally any other type of issue maybe you'd have a shot, but when you involved another dude? Nope, gone. If you want to continue to act like you care about this man, stay away from him and divorce him, let him find someone who will not do these things to him. If you hate this person and enjoy seeing him suffer then sure, stay with him.

Edited January 14, 2014 by Spectre

[wistfulgirl]

Thanks for another pearl of wisdom Spectre. Yes, I was obviously talking nonsense. That's right, it's an "act" that I care about my H. And i enjoy seeing him suffer. Your judgemental response is laughable! Youve yet again made huge assumptions that are wholly incorrect. And if you truly believe that a M is over once an A has taken place then you're clearly filtering out all evidence that goes against your opinion. There are numerous examples on LS alone to show that an A has been the catalyst that changed their M for the better as its forced them to address their issues and led to "make or break" which has ultimately led to a happier life either together or apart. And again, I DID tell my H when A ended.

 

I have said already that I was not "in love" with my H and we had problems, and yes I chose to deal with that in the worst possible way. But perhaps with the path we were on it took this terrible situation to make me realise what i have and re frame my M and things have been improving ever since. But you think I should divorce my H I've been with 15yrs, as you state, "as simple as that" and that it's not worth working on. I beg to differ!

 

Since posting on here and getting it all out I have made serious progress and have no desire to try and change fOM's opinion of me. I've realised that if we left things friendly etc it would only keep feeding the fire and would prevent me from putting all my focus into my M, which I am now doing and things are massively improving (both in my M and in my own self esteem and peace of mind). And I've truly knocked him off the pedestal I'd put him on and can see that he took advantage of my vulnerability at the time. He may well have had strong feelings for me, which to a certain extent I believe he did, but that it's over now and any dwelling or rehashing is futile and not at all what I want. So I feel I've actually started moving on, finally!!

 

Thanks again to all the helpful feedback, it really has helped me to write it all down and see things for what they are xx

Edited January 16, 2014 by wistfulgirl

[Oberfeldwebel]

Since posting on here and getting it all out I have made serious progress and have no desire to try and change fOM's opinion of me. I've realised that if we left things friendly etc it would only keep feeding the fire and would prevent me from putting all my focus into my M, which I am now doing and things are massively improving (both in my M and in my own self esteem and peace of mind). And I've truly knocked him off the pedestal I'd put him on and can see that he took advantage of my vulnerability at the time. He may well have had strong feelings for me, which to a certain extent I believe he did, but that it's over now and any dwelling or rehashing is futile and not at all what I want. So I feel I've actually started moving on, finally!!

 

Thanks again to all the helpful feedback, it really has helped me to write it all down and see things for what they are xx

 

This is great news, I hope that you and your husband continue to improve. You have come a long way in a short amount of time. Best wishes to you and your family.

[VeronicaRoss]

What occurred to me reading your first post was that you weren't, at least at that time, taking responsibility for your actions. Have you talked with your therapist about this?

 

It really comes down to how we act in the face of temptation since we all get tempted, even if in the happiest of marriages. Romance is so powerful. But if it comes down to 'I won't get caught' or 'I'm not sure yet so will stick my toe in to see how it goes' we've lost our ability to be considered trustworthy by others. Including by the adulterous partner.

 

You also said because you felt strong emotions for this man 'you couldn't help yourself'. But you definitely could have avoided an affair to deal with both your marriage and that relationship too. Do you understand that now?

 

I'm not saying this to be mean, this makes you like everyone in the process of growing. You gave your power and integrity away, but who else owns it if not you? I haven't read all 16 pages (!), and it seems you're getting yourself on track, but just in case that hadn't been pointed out.

 

Good luck!

[peruano99]

wistful girl I know it has been a while, but in your last post you said an affair can make a. Marriage better? That may be the case for some but it doesn't mean that one needs to have an affair to improve a relationship. That is why counseling and talking with your spouse to resolve your problems is for.

[miguelcervantes]

I really think that the issue that you are seeking advice on is a complete non-issue but you cannot see this because you are currently blinded.

 

You must have married your husband for a reason. There must have been a connection, spark or whatever. Your main area of focus should be on either reigniting this spark or closing down the marriage in a sensible way - I am always pro marriage so I would say work on your marriage first.

 

Now as for the other guy and your mutual friend - they are both scumb@gs but you cannot see this. The mutual friend for encouraging/enabling infidelity and the OM for engaging in it. There would be no doubt to many observers who have been around that he was playing you - wanting to get you into bed and that is all. You got caught up in the illicit excitement of it all and are now trying to treat this like a relationship. You would do well to put as much distance between destructive influences like your mutual friend, your OM and yourself. Yet instead you worry about non-issues about your friend "lying" to the POSOM about whether you said something about him or not.

 

The only way you are going to feel good (about yourself) is if you do the right thing. Work on making yourself a better person. If you truly feel that there is nothing between your husband and yourself, then discuss this with him and if you both agree that counselling will not help, changes cannot be made etc. then file for an amicable divorce and get on with your lives.

[miguelcervantes]

What occurred to me reading your first post was that you weren't, at least at that time, taking responsibility for your actions. Have you talked with your therapist about this?

 

It really comes down to how we act in the face of temptation since we all get tempted, even if in the happiest of marriages. Romance is so powerful. But if it comes down to 'I won't get caught' or 'I'm not sure yet so will stick my toe in to see how it goes' we've lost our ability to be considered trustworthy by others. Including by the adulterous partner.

 

You also said because you felt strong emotions for this man 'you couldn't help yourself'. But you definitely could have avoided an affair to deal with both your marriage and that relationship too. Do you understand that now?

 

I'm not saying this to be mean, this makes you like everyone in the process of growing. You gave your power and integrity away, but who else owns it if not you? I haven't read all 16 pages (!), and it seems you're getting yourself on track, but just in case that hadn't been pointed out.

 

Good luck!

 

I agree but I wouldn't call it Romance. Sex, lust, titillation, taboo - maybe - but not romance.

[miguelcervantes]

Also, you have said many times that the affair had ended and was closed down. I disagree with this. The affair never ended - he dumped you a couple of times because he knew you were caught up in the "fog" and he could have you any time he wanted. Such is the nature of players.

 

For the affair to have ended here is what should have happened:

• You would have told your husband all the details and given him complete transparency as to your communications and where abouts.
  
• You would have written a NC letter (with your husband) and sent it to the POSOM.
  
• Your husband would have blown up his world with exposure to friends, family and employers (and if there was any justice he would have been fired or something).
  
• Your husband (and you) would have blown up the world of your toxic enabling friend and she too would have suffered consequences for her actions.
  
• You would have either shown true remorse and acted on it or decided to divorce and part company.
  
• If, at the end of all that, your husband (and you) decided to reconcile, then you both would have had individual and marriage counselling.
  

 

Then and only then could you say the affair was properly ended/closed down and dealt with. Instead, he dumped you, you confessed but continued to contact him which he encouraged and now decided that he doesn't need you around. This is far from over!

[wistfulgirl]

Miguelcervantes - thanks for your messages. I both agree and disagree on certain points:

 

I completely realise that this "mutual friend" is not really a friend and never has been, and is a complete scumbag and was the original catalyst for this situation, both the beginning and the end. I have, however got to take responsibility on how I chose to act on these feelings and fall in love. I still really struggle to see him as a scumbag and still have him on such a pedestal in my mind. I do not believe that he intentionally "played me" and wanted to use me, I think we both just got in way too deep and was more than he could handle.

 

I don't believe that it was just "lust" and "sex and "titilation" as we both felt extreme guilt over what happened between us (genuinely) but felt like it was "magic", "meant to be" like he was the other part of me etc, and all those romantic, desperate and overwhelming feelings (well, at least for me but he certainly led me to believe he felt that too).

 

And the affair is over, yes I continued contact after confessing to my H but again I felt like I couldn't help myself and was prepared to walk away from everything - but only for him. I do not have a wondering eye, flirt with other guys etc, he is the only man in all that time that made me feel that way and I'm a very emotional and passionate person so felt so intense I couldn't control my feelings.

 

Also, if fOM was only wanting to get me into bed (which he may well have been and that's all I ever meant to him) then why tell me he loved me? When we were together it was intimate and passionate and romantic, not sordid and seedy and just about sex. We would stay up all night talking (about intense, serious things, not "dirty talk") and had literally never felt that connection with anyone else in my life. Hence why I now feel broken that he can write me off so easily and commit to a girl he's gone out seeking on POF.

 

I agree that it is not over, only is as much that I am still pining over him, hurting badly over the situation and discussing him on here, but I doubt he's given me a second thought. Xx

[wistfulgirl]

Also - what's POSOM? (Get the "other man" ending, but not yet 100% used to all these acronyms) xx

[wistfulgirl]

Piece of sh*t?? :-) xx

[oldshirt]

Miguelcervantes - thanks for your messages. I both agree and disagree on certain points:

 

I completely realise that this "mutual friend" is not really a friend and never has been, and is a complete scumbag and was the original catalyst for this situation, both the beginning and the end. I have, however got to take responsibility on how I chose to act on these feelings and fall in love. I still really struggle to see him as a scumbag and still have him on such a pedestal in my mind. I do not believe that he intentionally "played me" and wanted to use me, I think we both just got in way too deep and was more than he could handle.

 

I don't believe that it was just "lust" and "sex and "titilation" as we both felt extreme guilt over what happened between us (genuinely) but felt like it was "magic", "meant to be" like he was the other part of me etc, and all those romantic, desperate and overwhelming feelings (well, at least for me but he certainly led me to believe he felt that too).

 

And the affair is over, yes I continued contact after confessing to my H but again I felt like I couldn't help myself and was prepared to walk away from everything - but only for him. I do not have a wondering eye, flirt with other guys etc, he is the only man in all that time that made me feel that way and I'm a very emotional and passionate person so felt so intense I couldn't control my feelings.

 

Also, if fOM was only wanting to get me into bed (which he may well have been and that's all I ever meant to him) then why tell me he loved me? When we were together it was intimate and passionate and romantic, not sordid and seedy and just about sex. We would stay up all night talking (about intense, serious things, not "dirty talk") and had literally never felt that connection with anyone else in my life. Hence why I now feel broken that he can write me off so easily and commit to a girl he's gone out seeking on POF.

 

I agree that it is not over, only is as much that I am still pining over him, hurting badly over the situation and discussing him on here, but I doubt he's given me a second thought. Xx

 

 

 

You are right this is not over. I know you are hurting and pining and going through a whole myriad of emotions, as is your husband but this is still a very dynamic and fluid situation and the fat lady hasn't even shown up for make up and wardrobe yet, let alone sang yet.

 

 

You are still in the fog of your affair and not seeing reality for what it really is.

 

 

In my young and single days, I too was not interested in settling down for a committed relationship yet but I was still interested in getting a lot of poontang and married women were often an easier mark than single women.

 

 

I hate to be another one to break it to ya but you got played by a playa'. You fell for his song and dance.

 

 

Now before you get defensive and tell me all the reasons I'm wrong how he isn't "like that" and you aren't "like that" and how your relationship with him isn't/wasn't "like that" Let me say that he probably DID enjoy your company. Probably DID have some actual feelings for you and that you two probably DID have some sincere heart to heart talks and felt some real feelings.

 

 

Players aren't just creepy wierdos that wear guy-make up and outrageous hats and hang out in bars walking up to complete strangers using silly pick up lines.

 

 

most are just emotionally immature men who like the rush of a new sex partner and enjoy the passion and excitement that goes with someone new. They just bore quickly and don't have the maturity and emotional development to stay with one person once the routine and day-to-day grind start to set in.

 

 

As they are rush seekers, they have an instinct for picking out someone who also is in need of a rush (ie someone who is feeling neglected and bored in her own relationship) and they know just what to say and just what to do to get her interested and feeling the rush. They've been through it many many times so it is second nature to them. They know how to use just the right glance, the right smile, the right turn of the head, the right brush of the hand. They know what emotional topics to discuss and what to avoid.

 

 

It feels "special" to you because you haven't felt it in a long time. It feels special to them because they are all about the "hook" and the rush that comes with getting someone new into the sack.

 

 

They tell you they've never felt this way before because each person IS unigue in their own way and just like a drug, each hit is a little different than the last.

 

 

He said he loved you because he loves the feeling of getting a new person into bed without a commitment on his end. He may have even said that just to keep you more hooked and stoke more passion.

 

 

...But it wasn't real :-( :-(

 

 

He was able to dump you so cold and walk away so easily because he was just in it for the fun and excitement and orgasms. It's all fun and games when it's seduction and enticement and foreplay. It's a whole other world when the real-world complications and problems and realities start kicking in.

 

 

Playa's are all about the rush and the porn fantasy. If they wanted reality they would find a nice single girl and settle down and have a home and family with her.

 

 

You were vulnerable due to your boredom, frustration and feeling neglected and unappreciated at home and you got pulled into his fantasy world of excitement and seduction.

 

 

The fact that he's never had a serious relationship of more than a matter of months tells all. He simply doesn't have the ability, desire or substance of anything meaningful for a long haul.

 

 

He may be handsome, smart, witty, charming and sexy but he's like cheetah that can only sprint for a short distance and then flame out.

 

 

In the end you are just another one of his bedmates. You were worthy of getting undressed and getting his penis wet but in his world you are not worthy of any unconvenience, drama, hard work or trouble. He may actually like you and think you are a decent person, he just doesn't want his world inconvenienced by you nor does he want his involvement with you to hamper his continued efforts to chase the rush and be with more women.

 

 

I know that at the moment you are not going to believe me or believe the other people that have been telling you the same thing. And I am not saying all of this to hurt you or to rub salt in your wounds. I am being blunt and honest so that when the reality actually does come crashing down on you and you do realize it, you will have heard it described before and won't knock you on your behind as hard.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

Also, if fOM was only wanting to get me into bed (which he may well have been and that's all I ever meant to him) then why tell me he loved me?

 

 

 

 

Stevie Nicks has the answer to that one -

 

 

- "Players only love you when your playing"

 

- Fleetwood Mac. Rumors album 1977

 

 

 

 

Players do have a kind of love but they are in love with the rush and excitement of a new naked body in bed with them. They are in love with the scenario, not the person.

 

 

They love you when it's fresh and new and exciting. Their feelings drop off the cliff into the abyss when the rush fades and the real world starts to set in and it's not convenient and fun anymore.

[wistfulgirl]

Oldshirt - thanks for your reply, there's a lot of truth in there and interesting to get a detailed, thought out opinion. Much appreciated.

 

There's a few points that I wanted to make on your post (not cus I'm bring defensive or necessarily disagreeing!) but suppose I'm trying to understand the situation and see things clearly, and have a few doubts about what you said (humor me!):

 

 

1. You agreed that's it's not over (well, for me anyway) and not even begun to be over. What do you suggest will help to finally end this in my mind and help me to move on?

 

 

2. I was the first "taken" women he'd ever been with so don't think this was a habit...his previous short relationships were either him chasing after women that weren't interested, or getting with girls and becoming bored easily or freaking out when got close. When he ended things with me both times was after we were at our most intense points (not just me, but him also) so don't think was down to routine or day to day grind...seemed more like he couldn't handle / wasn't emotionally equipped to handle an ongoing intimate relationship.

 

 

3. First time he told me he loved me was while ending it with me (which i found very confusing and strange) rather than to keep me hooked and stoke more passion so not sure what his agenda was there. He'd also said he had to end it as didnt realise how hard he'd fall for me so thought it would be for the best in the long run to end things (again very confusing way to be, effectively, dumped)

 

 

4. He then, few months later, went looking for a relationship through online dating and has committed to a single girl and is still with her 5 months later. This is what's hurting me now as has left me unable to think that he ended it (rather than asking me to leave my H) due to his commitment and intimacy issues, but that I simply wasnt good enough (or only good enough to "keep his penis wet" as you put it). Which has left me feeling completely worthless and disposable.

 

 

The reality that I clearly didnt mean much to him has already come crashing down, but due to the confusing nature of how things were between us and the fact that he evidently is able to commit (for the time being anyway) has really affected me and made me question everything, but especially my own worth. This is why I'm struggling so much to let it go xx

[oldshirt]

I do not believe that he intentionally "played me" and wanted to use me, I think we both just got in way too deep and was more than he could handle.

 

 

 

 

 

You have a built-in defense mechanism that protects you from believing that he played you to protect your ego and self-esteem. It helps justify the affair by making it seem real and seem magical and that it was meant to be.

 

 

In time the cracks in the foundation will start opening up and the reality of the situation will start to trickle and will eventually flood in.

 

 

Once that occurs, you will realize it wasn't more than he 'could' handle. He simply just wanted to have some poontang and not have to handle anything at all.

[peruano99]

So you are still thinking about the om? Does your husband know? Okay so you have to go no contact now and really mean it. Erase his phone number, any social media, throw away any pics of you two, and never look back. Only then you can truly move on but if you still think about him, then I think it's best that you be honest with your husband.

[wistfulgirl]

Oldshirt - I guess the defense mechanism is there as I am firstly defending him, as don't think he is a bad guy that went out to use and hurt me...he seemed like he was chasing after some magical fairy tale romance but wanted the thing he feared the most. (I've read a lot on commitment phobia which resonated - not just about how he was with me but previous women and dynamics in his life). His actions were bad but don't think he is fundamentally bad, just a bit screwed up. Maybe I only have this opinion to protect my ego, but am very down on myself and have said how worthless I feel and even if he did completely love me and just couldn't handle it, he did still walk away then commit to someone else. So am not in complete denial, just trying to understand if I really was just worth a f*ck but this other girl from plenty of fish is worth a lifetime together..

 

Peruano99 - yes I still think about fOM every day, most likely because of my own feelings of inferiority, low self esteem and fears of abandonment. I have already deleted all contact info, defriended of all social media and logged out of FB since New Year's Day. No, my H doesn't know I still think of him, as no actual contact I don't see what telling him would achieve other than make him paranoid and further damage out marriage x