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Question for bs and ws


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Posted
There seems to be a stereotype that when d day happens, the bs begs the ws to stay, and that is the only reason they do.

 

How accurate is this?

 

When d day happened, how many of you bs told your ws to go and be with the ow/om?

 

I did everything wrong on my initial d-day. But it was a trickle truth d-day, so I don't know how I would have reacted knowing what I know now.

 

I was a wreck, and told my STBXW I was willing to forgive her. She pretended to fake reconcile so that was a farce that dragged on way too long.

 

For me, I think it was fairly accurate. I did beg, promise to change, but I think she only stayed because she was too chicken $&!t to actually leave. Even until the day I'd finally had enough, she would still be dragging her feet if I didn't finally end it.

 

Took me way too long to finally give her the boot and say go be with the guy who is apparently better than me. But learning was the journey.

Posted

No begging on my part. Although I did not tell her exactly to go with the OM, I knew she would. I did tell her not to come home, as it was unsafe for her.

 

 

She must have believed me as when she came by 3 days later to get some of her things, she called the cops ahead of time to be there. And that too was a mistake, I did not pack her things, let her do the packing, and put some things I wanted such as good pots and pans out of sight. When she wanted this or that she couldn't find, I said that was mine, and the cops told her, that the court would decide who got what and for now what ever I said was mine stayed.

 

 

She then cursed at the cops, and she was then told she had 5 to 10 minutes to get her clothes, etc. as they had to get back on patrol

Posted
I never cried in front of him, I never begged, I never did any of those things. I confronted calmly: I sat down and had a chat with him. I told him that if he did this for ego purposes it would be easy to put a stop to it. I told him that he should ask himself this question: is this woman worth destroying my marriage for? Then he should proceed accordingly.

 

I was calm for a while; the anger started coming out when I realized they were still in contact. That's when I told him to pack his stuff and go be with her if that is what he wanted. I also told him that I did not want anyone to be with me because of whatever reason other than REALLY wanting to be with me.

He stayed and thanks to her unpredictability and stupidity , because of her behavior he put a stop to it altogether. We even served her with a trespass warrant.

 

I decided to stay because at that time we had been married 33 years and I was not going to throw it all away for a bimbo ( she truly IS a bimbo)

 

 

 

 

I understand this entirely..............................

Posted

I gave him 48 hours to pack up and leave while I left and checked into a local hotel.

 

he did not, so I packed him up and made him go. refused his phone calls, wished them both well and in pain, started moving on.

 

I could wrap my head around developing feelings for another. It was the lies and deceit I could not fathom; that and how angry and critical he became with me and our children during his affair....as if he had to FIND reasons to justify his actions.

 

He kept turning up like a bad penny, even stalking me on evenings I was out with old friends!

 

I sensed he was growing despondent and terribly depressed but that alternated with child-like tantrums when I refused to take him back. Meanwhile, she waited in the wings where he kept her as his plan B.

 

he begged, cried and pleaded at the public places I would meet him at, and I just knew he was appraising her of all. When I discovered they were still in contact, I refused to speak with him or meet him.....AGAIN.

 

It was when I realized I knew NOTHING about affairs.

 

Given carte blanche to be with your soulmate and promises of an easy, fair divorce, it turned out to be the LAST thing he wanted.

 

Plus, he NEVER told her any of it. Told her he couldn't hurt her anymore, had to work on the marriage, blah, blah, blah.....

 

telling no? And oh so cowardly and I made sure to tell him so.

Posted (edited)
(10 characters)

 

 

 

I love your sense of humor demonstrated in that line about camping out on the front lawn and refusing to leave. lol Now THAT shows a lot of grit and determination! I think that great attitude will pull you through, and I think your hubby knows how lucky he is to have you, not only winning your heart in the beginning of your relationship, but also in not losing you because of the A. Yeah, he may have doubts, but I just can't see him giving up on your marriage. I hope you have many wonderful times together.

Edited by thummper
Posted

Reading your backstory, it appears your version of D-day was a bit nebulous, as the veracity of the affair was markedly in question, but I can offer some answers from the perspective of a fWS.

 

 

There seems to be a stereotype that when d day happens, the bs begs the ws to stay, and that is the only reason they do.

 

How accurate is this?

 

While I did gather evidence of this as a fOM in the past, and it did seem pretty common, it didn't occur when I disclosed my affair to my exW, meaning I didn't 'beg to stay' and she didn't continue with me because I had begged. I stated things as they were and that we needed to work on our marital issues.

 

When d day happened, how many of you bs told your ws to go and be with the ow/om?

 

I did not hear that from my exW. Most of that conversation focused on details (question and answer) and on our issues.

 

If you are a ws, did your bs cry, beg you to stay, threaten to harm the self, etc. ?

 

No she did not. In fact, my recollection is that she appeared very calm.

 

Why did you decide to reconcile?

 

At the time, I felt (I can't speak for her) that the marriage was worth working on, as we did share a lot of common ground and had been married a number of years, so we then entered MC to do so.

Posted

Your situation reminds me a lot of mine. My husband was gone for a month, when I told him I wanted him to leave. He lied some more when he came back and it took another month to drag more out of him but once it was all out, he was focused even more on change (even more than he was within the two weeks after I learned it all.) within himself and within our marriage.

 

As a BS, I found an email while she was putting the kids to sleep. I waited for her and as she walked in our room and said, well guess we're getting a divorce. She then noticed the email up and picture on it and broke down sobbing. I spilled how selfish she was and how she doesn't care for anybody but herself. I asked her if she wanted it to be over and she told me no. I didn't want anything to do with her that night, and she said she would go to a friends house to stay. As I didn't try and stop her, she broke down even more sobbing, I feared for her - thinking she might hurt herself (she has never been a down person but she had been depressed for months before this, now we know from living with such guilt). I asked her not to go and told her to stay, we ended up talking thru the night and she told me everything, and she told me she would do whatever it took to make things work. Funny thing is as the next weeks passed and we started couples therapy, I told her she/we had to fix whatever drove her to that decision. A month later she ended up moving out, but we agreed to continue working on making this relationship work. Luckily OM lived in a different state, so I didn't have to live with that thought, I probably wouldn't have. Long story short, she moved back in 4 months later and has been the best partner/wife/friend/etc I have ever had. It is still a very hard road, and I'm still working on trusting her and will be for a very long time. but she still shows remorse, she still apologizes nearly every day. I think the good thing is she left and came back, and I had the chance to just let her go - The other day she told me "thanks for not running on me" and I answered "thanks for coming back" - meaning we both made clear decisions to come back and give it another try.
Posted

It may not seem like it by some of my whiny posts about still benig angry but this situation is similar to mine. I'm so glad it woke him up!My husband says he feels the same way about being woke up.

 

 

There was no begging. I confronted and then started the process for divorce. I could not imagine myself staying with him...I was just so freaking angry and did not want to fight anger every day. I began imagining life without him...

 

I told him to go be with her. He said he had no desire to be with her, that he has always loved me so much it scared him...our story is a bit different from many I see on here, feel free to check out my first posts...

 

We had many talks. He changed his primary cell and handed me his affair phone before disconnecting it. He stopped drinking, drugs, everything. Got back to Jesus.

 

What I knew is that my husband loves me. He holds my hand while we sleep. I wake up to him watching me sleep with a smile on his face alot...unless I have been snoring or something lol. I love him more than I have loved any man...I married his ass for a reason. So I am glad we are still together and that we chose each other...again. He is right where he wants to be, waking up each morning and going to bed each night right next to me.

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Posted
It may not seem like it by some of my whiny posts about still benig angry but this situation is similar to mine. I'm so glad it woke him up!My husband says he feels the same way about being woke up.

 

What I have had to accept is that I will feel anger, hurt, and sadness most likely forever from time to time because of this. My husband will, too. But what I also know is that these memories will serve as a reminder that we have chose each other and value each other.

 

It sucks that a situation like this was the wake up, and knowing I also caused him this pain breaks my heart. I don't think we will take each other for granted again.

 

I am happy for you that you are finding happiness, too.

  • Like 1
Posted

our faith has been our biggest support, along with family and close friends, who have never suggested we divorce (well, maybe my brother who wanted to hit my husband, but he's better now.)

 

 

What I have had to accept is that I will feel anger, hurt, and sadness most likely forever from time to time because of this. My husband will, too. But what I also know is that these memories will serve as a reminder that we have chose each other and value each other.

 

It sucks that a situation like this was the wake up, and knowing I also caused him this pain breaks my heart. I don't think we will take each other for granted again.

 

I am happy for you that you are finding happiness, too.

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