rumbleseat Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Am I the only one who has ever had to deal with an OW who really was never one in the first place? My h had been having an email correspondence with a woman in another state who he had known in school. He never hid anything, and I was free to look at the messages if I wanted to. I did a few times, and there was nothing in there to be concerned about. they were pretty much just day to day things, and he often talked abut me and the things we did together. There was zero implication that it was anything but a friendship. It had been going on for a year, and one day a message came in and without thinking about it, I opened it. It was form her. She said something about how she knew he thought they were just friends, but she knew it was so much more. She said she loved him and she knew he loved her and that she couldn't wait to see him. I was stunned and angry. i sent her a message back, telling her I was wife and that she was to stop emailing him immediately. When he got home form work, i told him what had happened. he couldn't understand what she was going on about, and was fine that i had responded. The next day, i got a message form her that was just off the wall crazy. She started going on and on about how she knew I was wrong for him, how they had made plans for him to leave me, how he told her all the time that he loved her in every message he sent, how they texted all the time, how they skyped every night, how she knew about all my "issues with drinking" and how we were living like roommates and even about how they'd already met up a few times - she even gave specific days-it was like reading something form a crazy person and none of it made any sense. I couldn't believe it. None of it was true. I know people might think I'm not seeing what is right in front of me, but I know none of it happened. The days she said they spent together, he was with me, we don't have or use Skype on our laptop. We go to bed at the same time, and since I have a hard time falling asleep, he's always asleep long before I am so I use our laptop until I fall asleep , often around one or two in the morning. The issues she mentioned I have don't exist. As for the tetxing, unless he does it in the bathroom, it aint happening. I admit it scared me a little. When my hubby got home, I showed him the email. He blocked her email address and apologized to me. He says that if we hear from her again, he wants to go to the police. I don't understand how she could turn a simple email correspondence into this. What the f@@k is her problem? what would make her do this?
Spark1111 Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Well...either SHE's Mentally unstable, or he is lying. Can she send real concrete proof? If not, call the police and alert her H she may need help. If yes....than THAT'S another issue.
Spark1111 Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Unblock her and ask for proof. Tell her he denies all and claims they are just friends. Unless she can provide proof you will not believe her. See what happens. And save everything. You may need it if you have to get a restraining order. Do me a favor? See if she sends anything concrete, or just continues to be irrational before alerting him that you have unblocked her, ok? There is nothing to lose if she's unstable, right? Just more crazy claims.....which will help you get a restraining order. 2
Author rumbleseat Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 Well...either SHE's Mentally unstable, or he is lying. Can she send real concrete proof? If not, call the police and alert her H she may need help. If yes....than THAT'S another issue. she's not married... The days that she said they spent together, he was with me all day. We were even on vacation together for some of them. Like I said, the skyping every night doesn't happen. If it did, I' know about it since he'd be using our laptop and we don't have skype. He;d also be doing it while I was awake and we were either doing things together or he was asleep. We both work from home, so we are around each other all day. I think I'd know if he was sneaking off to spend days with her or to send dozens of texts a day. He wants me to go to the police if i hear from her again.. Why would he do that it they really had been having an affair? Would he be worried about the me finding out?
Author rumbleseat Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 Well, I think in your case it is possible that this lady is just crazy, but in terms of what you said it is amazing how many cheating husbands will throw a woman under the bus to save the family unit. It sounds like your husband is being truthful, but it never hurts to verify. I will. I'm worried though. Can someone like her be dangerous?
Author rumbleseat Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 That's it. She's a nutjob. I took your advice and sent her a message asking her to send me proof. Pretty much right away, she sent me one that was just one of their usual emails. She said " see where he says he loves me!" there was nothing at all in the message that said or implied that. My husband has already said to save all the messages in case we need them. He was with me when i asked her for proof. He's as confused as I am. He had to go out to do some field work, and he wants to talk about what we should do when he gets home.
michelangelo Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 Just so you know, skype is possible from an iPhone or an android smart phone. So it may be worth checking out. And she may just be off about the dates they met up. OR they met up on your vacation. 2
HopingAgain Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 That's it. She's a nutjob. I took your advice and sent her a message asking her to send me proof. Pretty much right away, she sent me one that was just one of their usual emails. She said " see where he says he loves me!" there was nothing at all in the message that said or implied that. My husband has already said to save all the messages in case we need them. He was with me when i asked her for proof. He's as confused as I am. He had to go out to do some field work, and he wants to talk about what we should do when he gets home. Please do take all precautions neccessary to ensure you and your husbands safety. I just posted a thread a few days ago about OW who come unhinged when rejected and they can be dangerous! 1
Try Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 She said something about how she knew he thought they were just friends, but she knew it was so much more. The next day, i got a message form her that was just off the wall crazy. She started going on and on about how she knew I was wrong for him, how they had made plans for him to leave me, how he told her all the time that he loved her in every message he sent, how they texted all the time, how they skyped every night, how she knew about all my "issues with drinking" and how we were living like roommates and even about how they'd already met up a few times - she even gave specific days-it was like reading something form a crazy person and none of it made any sense. The text to your husband that you intercepted acknowledged that "he thought that they were just friends". Her email to you stating "how he told her all the time that he loved her in every message he sent" is in direct contradiction to him thinking that they were just friends. In other words, she is lying to you in the hopes of breaking up your marraige. Sadly, her relationship to your husband, as little as it is to your husband, is the most meaningful romantic relationship that this woman has. She is a sick, sad and lonely women. Be strong and do what you must to cut off all contact, but do not be unnecessarily cruel. 1
Author rumbleseat Posted August 12, 2013 Author Posted August 12, 2013 The text to your husband that you intercepted acknowledged that "he thought that they were just friends". Her email to you stating "how he told her all the time that he loved her in every message he sent" is in direct contradiction to him thinking that they were just friends. In other words, she is lying to you in the hopes of breaking up your marraige. Sadly, her relationship to your husband, as little as it is to your husband, is the most meaningful romantic relationship that this woman has. She is a sick, sad and lonely women. Be strong and do what you must to cut off all contact, but do not be unnecessarily cruel. I don't want to hurt her or set her off. My hubby should be home soon and we'll write one up to send to her. 1
Try Posted August 12, 2013 Posted August 12, 2013 I don't want to hurt her or set her off. My hubby should be home soon and we'll write one up to send to her. The danger of opposite sex friends (OSF), and why many couples have boundaries that do not allow for them. Those that do allow for OSF, usually have healthy boundaries that require that the OSF be a friend of the spouse as well as a friend of the marraige. Going forward, you and your spouse need to establish better boundaries. 4
Author rumbleseat Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 The danger of opposite sex friends (OSF), and why many couples have boundaries that do not allow for them. Those that do allow for OSF, usually have healthy boundaries that require that the OSF be a friend of the spouse as well as a friend of the marraige. Going forward, you and your spouse need to establish better boundaries. We will. He wrote her a letter that apologized if her had given her the wrong impression, but that all he had wanted was her friendship. He also said that since she wants to be more than that and he does not, it is best if they stop contact and not keep in touch any more. I think he feels bad, but I don't really think he did anything worse than use poor judgement. She hasn't written back. I do hope she's doing alright. 2
2sure Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 My X was a serial cheater, and oddly enough ...he also had an OW that wasn't. She was an old friend from school. Mind you, he had a problem with infidelity so I was reading all of his emails. She only had access to the one account. They didn't concern me in the least. Then she started getting romantic, and he stopped replying. Then she started following ME. My H had to get involved, and obviously considering the problems he was facing , this was the last thing he had patience for. Eventually we divorced, and you know what? He continued to tell her we were married. Finally she contacted me, a year after the divorce. I gave her his home number, told her I was sure he would live to hear from her. 5
Snowflower Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 My husband has already said to save all the messages in case we need them. He was with me when i asked her for proof. He's as confused as I am. Hi rumble, welcome to LS! I think you should do some investigating on this without your husband's help. I don't know...the woman could be a whack job but just to be sure, I would investigate. This is why men and women in most cases can't be "just friends." Something about this seems off. I hope I'm wrong. Maybe I am just jaded but for your sake, I think you should do everything you need to put your mind at rest. Don't listen to your husband in this case. Listen to yourself. Trust your instincts. What are they telling you? Go with your gut. 2
Zenstudent Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I thought something was a bit off as well, and I'm also more jaded than I used to be, so take this with a grain of salt. Being in the infidelity-Cr*p-Squad for a while has taught me not to believe in coincidences. Why did you intercept exactly THE ONE message that crossed the line? 1
michelangelo Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 My cynicism is hitting hard on this one too. You need to independently verify what transpired. In my opinion, it's just too neatly wrapped in a bow. I think you need to find a way to make sure the whole scenario isn't a cover story for your h.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Rumble, It's hard for folks to not see the potential that there is more to this because there usually is. So I think the "trust but verify" is legitimate in this case. But either way, you and your husband need to work on boundaries. Even if he didn't think he was crossing the line, what would have happened if she shows up neekid on the doorstep offering herself to him, it would have been a different story, and then lines get crossed. You guys should read "Not Just Friends" and work on better boundaries. Good luck.
Author rumbleseat Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 I appreciate the input. He had always told me I could read the messages anytime I wanted to, and knew that I did from time to time. I have his passwords, and he has mine.
Author rumbleseat Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 (edited) I do know that he didn't contact he while we were away on vacation. Without being too specific, we were somewhere where cell phone service doesn't exist, and unless she had followed us miles into the deep forest, he didn't duck out to be with her. yet she insisted they were together on those days. That makes no sense. Edited August 13, 2013 by rumbleseat
Coolit Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I thought something was a bit off as well, and I'm also more jaded than I used to be, so take this with a grain of salt. Being in the infidelity-Cr*p-Squad for a while has taught me not to believe in coincidences. Why did you intercept exactly THE ONE message that crossed the line? She said that she saw more than one. So it is likely for her to see this one. As people expressed this message was not coming from someone who was in a romantic relationship bit rather someone finally bearin their heart. Also, if none of what the OW gives fits why the heck should she continue investigating. Disclaimer: I am a fWS How often did they email? Are we talking daily or not? If daily then I do think some boundries were crossed. But if time lapsed between correspondence then I think you really don't need to be that worried. You just were unlucky to come accross a wackjob. One of my good friends had that happen. Her husband got a stalker. At first he thought she was showing up at his worksite to flirt with one of the single guys. (he wears a ring). Then when she started batting her eyes in his direction he stopped being polite and told her he wasn't interested. (to say I'm married is not a clear message to an interested party always. What they may hear is "I'm married but if I wasn't i totally would do you). She kept showing up so he talked to his boss. This was in another town he worked in. Well the scorned young woman decided breaking up the marriage was the answer so she tracked down their home phone and started calling and trying to make it seem like getting his wife was an accident. W knew about her but it still raised suspicions and distrust for a time. They threatened a RO and never heard from her again. She is probably out stalking another MM. So crazy stalker ladies happen. Not often but they do. If this friendship had been secret or you discovered way more communication then you did. If your husband was AWOL more often. If any of her stories made you go hmmmm? I'd say dig. But honestly, I think doing so is pointless.
Author rumbleseat Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 The messages were maybe a couple of times a week using the account that we both have the password to. So far, we have heard nothing back from her. I hope she realizes that there was no romantic relationship and that she moves on. She once sent him some pictures, which he showed me. She's attractive enough so i;m sure she can find someone else. i don;t get why she would try to say that I have "issues". there was never any messages form him implied that in any way.It's weird.
GreySkyMorning Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 This one is wrapped in a red flag and waving another one overhead. I'd bet a dollar that there is a lot more to his story than what he's saying. And I bet you'd rather hide your eyes and not find out so you won't investigate. There's probably another email account, at least, if not another phone. I'd bet they are well in contact still today.
Coolit Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 The messages were maybe a couple of times a week using the account that we both have the password to. So far, we have heard nothing back from her. I hope she realizes that there was no romantic relationship and that she moves on. She once sent him some pictures, which he showed me. She's attractive enough so i;m sure she can find someone else. i don;t get why she would try to say that I have "issues". there was never any messages form him implied that in any way.It's weird. That's an easy one. Everyone knows that in an A Spouse trash talking goes on. I say this tongue in cheek because it isn't always true. But obviously, if she wants to destroy your trust in your H she wants you to believe he was sharing intimate marriage secrets. Saying you have "issues" is a pretty broad statement that is attempting to rattle you. Besides, it is an easy guess because most people have issues at one point or another.
Coolit Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 This one is wrapped in a red flag and waving another one overhead. I'd bet a dollar that there is a lot more to his story than what he's saying. And I bet you'd rather hide your eyes and not find out so you won't investigate. There's probably another email account, at least, if not another phone. I'd bet they are well in contact still today. I understand you people have been betrayed and have trust issues. But seriously where are the red flags? When does the H use his super secret phone? Yea, it is possible that he had sex with her but why did the "OW" not give a date an place or anything that would match what the W knows? I'm just not seeing any red flags. OP, if anyone is making you doubt, install a keylogger on your computers. It will let you know if there is a fake account.
GreySkyMorning Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 I understand you people have been betrayed and have trust issues. But seriously where are the red flags? When does the H use his super secret phone? Yea, it is possible that he had sex with her but why did the "OW" not give a date an place or anything that would match what the W knows? I'm just not seeing any red flags. OP, if anyone is making you doubt, install a keylogger on your computers. It will let you know if there is a fake account. Its exactly that experience with trust issues and betrayal that leads us to understand how married people do this. My xmm could account for every minute he was with me if he wanted to do so. And I'm betting the reason she hasn't heard anything else is because hubby smoothed it all over in the background.
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