Breaking up as the breaker

[Illuminate]

One of the worst experiences of my life is finally drawing to a close...yet at the same time I feel like my own actions caused all of the pain, both to myself and to my significant other.

 

Let me tell you my story. Before I met this girl, I had reached the age of 28 and never had a serious relationship. In fact, I didn't even have the gusto to so much as make out with someone until I reached 27...I'm just a really shy guy and really didn't have much desire to date in the first place. But as the years went on, that changed. I dated lots of girls in the meantime, but none of them really panned out. Some of them I was really, really fond of, and I was really heartbroken when they didn't work out.

 

Ten months ago, I met a girl who I connected with online, and we hit it off very quickly. Real quick, she is one year older than me, and she has almost an identical dating history to me. We first met for drinks after work, and it went until we both had to go home and go to sleep. After a week, the girl said "we're boyfriend and girlfriend now, right?" I don't know that I was 100% there yet, but after 28 years of relationship disaster, of being a virgin for far too long, of still reeling from two heartbreaks in the past six months, I decided there was enough here to really give this a go.

 

And so I did. And for the first, oh, 6 months, as I got to know her, I felt like we could work through anything. I didn't feel as strongly for her as I had felt for other girls, but then I had never made it work with anyone before, and we got along so well too. There was immediate pressure from all angles too...at two months, my mom was already talking about our kids (yikes...), and all my friends were convinced that we were for real. I met her entire family only a few months in as well. This all just took a life of its own, regardless of how I felt about it.

 

Eventually, I just started to crack under the pressure. The initial excitement of actually having a girlfriend and actually having achieved success wore off, and my day to day life was being spent with someone who could make me happy one day but really stress me out on another. My doubts just kicked into high gear...are the grasses greener somewhere else?

 

We got along so well, though, and she didn't do a single thing that would really hurt me. If I had to put a finger on it, it would be her easily irritable nature...there's lots of stuff that irritates her. And she would let things in her life bring her down so much (mainly just a bad working situation) that she would just sob at the end of the day and be sapped of energy. I found myself wondering whether I'd have an easy night or a difficult night, and it all depended on how the girlfriend was doing emotionally. She would say "I don't know what I would do without you" a lot, which terrified me. Because she was kind of right about that.

 

Eventually I just couldn't take it anymore. I started seeing a therapist and talked lots about our relationship, and I came to the conclusion I needed to break up with her. So I did. I did it a week ago, and she was shocked, surprised, and incredibly sad.

 

As for myself, I feel guilty, and I feel like I may be denying my feelings. Above all, I really feel like a heartless b*stard. But the truth is, right now I feel less hurt than when I first broke it off. I mean, the first thing I did after breaking up with her was call my parents and sob over the fact that I tried really hard to make this work but just wasn't making it work (and I cry very rarely)....and today when I think about us, I just feel a lot more indifference.

 

I guess I really feel like I need a justifiable reason to break up with her. I wish there was something like "she pushed me around" or "she was violent"...me leaving her over her being overly sad and negative with herself feels more to me like I'm being heartless. But to quote Rhett Butler...I just don't give a damn. I really wish I did. But I just....don't.

 

I'm someone who wants to be challenged. I want to accomplish great things in my life and do all sorts of things. When I started dating her, I was training for a marathon, but the stress of adjusting to the new relationship made me give up the marathon. Most of our relationship involved sitting on the couch together, watching TV, and she was totally fine just sitting there, stroking my face and coddling me when I really didn't want to be coddled. I don't want to be held like a doll. I want to be challenged, inspired, and pushed. I don't need someone to sit on the sidelines to cheer me on; I need someone running right beside me and running faster than I can. Only then will I feel like I have truly lived.

 

So really, I guess I'm just avoiding the path of settling. But what if I set my sights too high and never find what I'm looking for? I guess ultimately I just don't want to be a prick, lol.

 

I hope this makes sense...I'd love to hear your thoughts on my situation, or your stories about being the one who broke it off and how you dealt with that. It's a lot harder to be the one breaking it off than I realized.

Edited December 31, 2013 by Illuminate

[CaliBabe]

Hey man, you only live once. You felt something was off and you did the right thing by breaking things off instead of letting them linger for months maybe even years. What you did was a hard thing but also brave.

 

If you were super in love and this was your soul mate, you would know and you would be able to say it with conviction and there would be no doubt.

 

You did the right thing.

 

“Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them.”

[Kopite]

Nice to hear from the dumper for once.

 

Be warned though. There are some angry people on here, who will be onto you soon.

[LostConfused123]

Nice to hear from the dumper for once.

 

Be warned though. There are some angry people on here, who will be onto you soon.

LOL!

I for one am grateful to see a dumper with so much compassion and heart.

 

You didn't toss her like a serial killer dumps a body. NOT being a smart ass but many of us here were dumped in such a manner.

 

I think you're awesome!!

peace and hugs!

[Illuminate]

Thanks...it does help me to hear your comments.

 

For the first 28 years of my life, I was the dumpee, so trust me, I know how it feels. Being on the other side of this is a completely different experience that I just don't know how to handle.

[phloxxandsoxx]

I'm a dumper and my experience was the same. He'd even bring cake to me in bed when I was working out and eating healthy. He didn't want me to lose any weight or look good. It was for myself, not other guys! Yet he sabotaged me.

 

I like moving ahead in life, too. I work in a competitive art-related industry and have won awards. All that stopped when I met him. He promised he'd back me to the heights of achievement and told me to quit my job. I trusted him and did so. Then, once he had me over a financial barrel, almost all the funding of my career stopped cold and he began doling me out $50 a week as "pin money" (as he so called it). In return I had to sleep with him. Endlessly. And he was awful, awful in bed. To me this made me his w***e

 

(And that word isn't "wife")

 

Finally dumped him tonight, and in fact I posted a thread about it. I can't be captured under a net or trapped inside a jar by someone. Sometimes that seems to be what the other person wants. And then they call you names and rage about you online for wanting to escape and be who you were, before you met them, and were trapped? Wanting to just be what they are, free?

 

I feel you and good for you you got away.

[deathandtaxes]

I'm someone who wants to be challenged. I want to accomplish great things in my life and do all sorts of things. When I started dating her, I was training for a marathon, but the stress of adjusting to the new relationship made me give up the marathon. Most of our relationship involved sitting on the couch together, watching TV, and she was totally fine just sitting there, stroking my face and coddling me when I really didn't want to be coddled. I don't want to be held like a doll. I want to be challenged, inspired, and pushed. I don't need someone to sit on the sidelines to cheer me on; I need someone running right beside me and running faster than I can. Only then will I feel like I have truly lived.

 

 

 

Sounds like you were bored and were just spending too much time in her company not really doing much of anything. Did you go out at all? Did you or she plans things to do?

[Illuminate]

Sounds like you were bored and were just spending too much time in her company not really doing much of anything. Did you go out at all? Did you or she plans things to do?

 

I get together with my friends once a week or two to make dinner together (we have been doing this for years), and she would decline to go a lot during the end.

 

I remember a day late in the "turning of the leaves" season here that I wanted to walk through a city park to check out the colors before all the leaves were gone, but she took a nap in bed, and though I prodded her a few times, she chose to just nap instead and we never made it out.

 

She gets really uncomfortable in groups of people. She insists on spending one-on-one time as much as she can, so we wouldn't really "go out" a whole lot.

[matt_1987]

Nice to hear from the dumper for once.

 

Be warned though. There are some angry people on here, who will be onto you soon.

 

happened to me in my thread to some extent I guess...also from a dumper perspective (me)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/452103-grass-greener-syndrome-dumper-perspective

[conf]

Hey man, you only live once. You felt something was off and you did the right thing by breaking things off instead of letting them linger for months maybe even years. What you did was a hard thing but also brave.

 

If you were super in love and this was your soul mate, you would know and you would be able to say it with conviction and there would be no doubt.

 

You did the right thing.

 

“Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them.”

 

You cant be madly in love with someone forever. The lust/attraction/infatuation wears off after some period. Love is about compromise, respect, trust, care not just sex :s

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Never in your posts do you mention whether you actually sat your ex down at some point during the relationship and talked to her about the issues you were having...telling her what you needed from her, etc.

 

Did you talk to her?

 

Please don't say that you poured your heart out to a therapist about your relationship but not to the person you were having a relationship with!

 

The fact that you said your ex was "shocked" when you broke up with her is quite telling.

 

After the honeymoon period is where the relationship starts getting real. I suspect you didn't really think she was "the one" from the get go and therefore never put forth the serious effort it takes to make a relationship work.

 

Am I wrong?

[Illuminate]

Never in your posts do you mention whether you actually sat your ex down at some point during the relationship and talked to her about the issues you were having...telling her what you needed from her, etc.

 

Did you talk to her?

 

Please don't say that you poured your heart out to a therapist about your relationship but not to the person you were having a relationship with!

 

The fact that you said your ex was "shocked" when you broke up with her is quite telling.

 

After the honeymoon period is where the relationship starts getting real. I suspect you didn't really think she was "the one" from the get go and therefore never put forth the serious effort it takes to make a relationship work.

 

Am I wrong?

 

I would say that you are, yeah.

 

One of the things my therapist suggested was for us to talk once a week, as openly as possible, about our relationship. And we did that for a month. It was actually the driving force behind the breakup, honestly.

 

My biggest gripe with her is her negative attitude, and I told her this, point blank. Her response was "you can tell me I'm being negative, but I'm not going to like it."

 

You're right though that, in retrospect, I probably didn't want her from the start. But I would contend that the reason we lasted as long as we did was our ability to work through issues. I just felt like things stopped being workable eventually.

 

I don't know why she was shocked. She brought all of my things from her place to my place right before I told her. And we had just spent a week apart to try and fix things for us. She even said before that week started, "you do have a choice, don't stay in this if you're not happy." But she says she was surprised...I don't really get it to be honest

Edited December 31, 2013 by Illuminate