Did I do the right thing?

[OrangeSnack]

So I have a problem of writing long stories but I will TRY to keep this short.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/450594-dating-christmas-gifts

 

During Christmas break I decided to buy her something small and cute. Nothing too extravagant.

 

That was my previous post. The premise of the story is basically I met this girl early December. We were introduced through mutual friends. She's older than me by 3 years but to me age is not a factor. And I dont think it was to her. Anyhow, we have gone out 2 times. Both were fantastic dates. We clicked and we immediately started texting each other. It became evident that over the course of 2-3 weeks, we were talking and texting on a regular basis. She would initiate and I would initiate as well. I think it was quite balanced. After our 2nd date, we arranged to see each other again but we never officially set a date (because christmas was around the corner and I had some traveling to do for work). Finally a few days ago I was able to set something up with her for today. But for some odd reason my gut was telling me that there is something wrong with her. I really can't grasp what exactly is going on but ever since our 2nd date ended, I just felt some kind of weird energy/vibe from her that she is hiding something. (I tend to overthink a lot but I am learning to get rid of that habit).

 

The other part that gave me weird vibes was during the 3rd date initiation process. I gave her a christmas card that basically said I cant wait to take you out again, hoping that after she received my card she would give me a date. She did thank me for my gift and told me that I shouldnt have bought her a gift. Heck I almost spent $400 on this girl but I'm glad I only spent $50 haha. But anyhow as we were trying to schedule the date I asked if it would be okay for me to pick her up. (Granted I did pick her up on the second date). She said we can meet up in between so I wouldnt have to drive so far to meet her (she lives an hour away). I asked her when she was free and she responded "I think Friday?" I was thinking to myself, I think? LOL. Anyway we scheduled for today to meet at a restaurant for dinner and she told me that she has a meeting in the afternoon and maybe lunch. But she will let me know if anything changes (what the heck lol), so basically she is still unsure about the date. Lot's of warning flags coming...

 

So today as I was going about my business, she texts me in the morning asking me if I am free? I said yes, what's up. She tells me... (funny thing is I kind of knew this was coming and that she would cancel last minute) her meeting has been postponed to monday and that she isn't feeling too well and shes physically/mentally drained. I texted herback and I said awe I hope you get better soon and asked if she's free to talk. She said yes and I called her. We had a good 15 minute conversation. In the beginning she was talking about her sore throat and how the weather change has caused her allergies to increase (I knew it was small talk and I just listened and waited for the "big" moment/finanle ). Finally the "big moment," was thrown out at me. She said recently she had someone from the past come back and is currently causing a lot of confusion for her. She says that it would be unfair for me to be in the picture and that she has a lot of respect for me and she knows I have a lot to offer. In our span of 15 minutes she just kept on ranting about how she just wants to be honest and she hates leaving people behind closed doors. But you know I am a good listener so I just listened... Finally it was my turn to speak and I basically told her that look, I appreciate her honesty and that it shows a lot about her character. I told her that it is not my business to pry on what's going on but whatever she needs to sort out, she has all the time in the world to do so. I expressed that I am still interested in her and that she's a very special person and that's why we have gone this far. She says she feels very bad because she doesnt want to hurt my feelings. But I told her that it hasnt hurt my feelings and that I am very thankful for her honesty. Most women would just... disappear. After we said our goodbyes, I immediately deleted her contact info from my phone. My mentality at the moment is... NEXT.

 

Couple things I want to hear from the LS community:

 

1). Did I do the right thing? It sounds like a legitimate excuse and I don't know the history of her ex. She did mention one time to me that she used to live with her ex but she didn't specify if it's the same ex. In fact we rarely spoke about our past. But in other words, did you guys think that I was pretty clear with my intentions? (Still interested if she decides to come back?)

2). To cut all the BS, she is basically saying that she is no longer interested. Am I right?

3). My mentality is to think... NEXT. Thank goodness I didn't invest too much into her because I'm currently seeing multiple people and I've learned from my past, never put all your eggs in one basket.

4). There is a small window of her coming back but what do I do if she ever contacts me again?

5). I have the utter most respect for women being honest and not playing the whole bs game and putting us in the backseat. Thank you for being so clear and dry with us! It makes us feel so much better!

 

 

Thanks for your inputs

Edited December 28, 2013 by OrangeSnack

[headinthecloud]

I think you handled the situation really well and she sounds like a decent person for showing some respect and talking to you about it. But keep in mind you don't know her at all.

 

1). Did I do the right thing? Meaning was I pretty clear with my intentions?

-- by "intentions" meaning telling her that you were interested in her but you respect her position and appreciate her honesty and basically you're open to dating if/when she's available. Yes, I think you did make yourself clear....but don't wait around for her.

 

2). To cut all the BS, she is basically saying that she is no longer interested. Am I right?

-- yes, at this point she's not interested in pursuing a RS with you. That doesn't mean shes not into you, but there's likely someone else in the picture. There legitimately could be a complexity in her life. Maybe she's not over an ex yet.

 

3). My mentality is to think... NEXT.

-- yes, good attitude. POF in the sea.

 

4). What to do if she ever contacts me again?

-- cross that bridge when you come to it. No use in speculating, it means nothing at this point. If she ever does and you're unsure how to answer then post here before you respond for feedback.

 

Good luck!

Edited December 28, 2013 by headinthecloud

[Amelia81]

From what you have written, and I read your Xmas gift thread too, you remind me of someone I went on two dates with once. Deep down he seemed a really nice guy but he was just far too intense early on that it put me off going through with the third date.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if she used the ex thing as an excuse, I don't think you will hear from her again and after two dates it really isn't worth you dwelling on it.

 

Well done for deleting her number though.

[OrangeSnack]

Thank you for your response

 

I agree that I was a bit intense for her. I think I am a very intense individual when it comes to dating/relationships. The gifts could perhaps thrown her off by surprise. I am so thankful that I veered away from the extravagant gift that I was about to give her . I think that would have scared her away. LOL.

 

But you know she brought the honesty out of me and she got the raw picture of me. I hate to be someone that's fake and materialistic. I am who I am and I can't change that. I'm very hopeful that I will find someone that will appreciate my generosity. From this day on I never really understood why gifts can be a bad thing. I guess from all the corny dating stories my grandparents and parents had told me really effected my dating life. Even if I were on a first date, I would still buy my date flowers. I would still open the doors for her. Pull out a chair for her and wait for her to be seated before I settle. My mom and grandma has taught me a lot about women and how to treat them like women. Maybe their traditions has hindered me from modern dating and that's why I haven't been so successful but regardless I can't change the ways I treat women. Heck I'm just a giving person and when I love someone, I truly deeply love them. I know I'm a hopeless romantic and I know I have some flaws in dating. My experience isn't as great as I want it to be but you know I always believed that you should be true to the person you are dating. It upsets me that in modern dating you have different stages. You could put on a poker face in the beginning but once you are emotionally settled and are comfortable with each other, you start to become lazy and complacent. The "romantic" stage is gone and in comes the fights and arguments.

 

I think in every relationship there are arguments and fights. It's completely normal to say the least. But the best relationship are the ones that are able to weather the storm together and are able to keep the "romantic" stage consistent.

 

I am talking too much. Ahhhh! But yes, it's been a few hours and I am happy to be venting to y'all and thank you guys for being great listeners

[tlegend]

Honestly, compared to many of the responses that seem to get posted, you seem to have a well thought out reaction to her "explanation".

 

In fact, you seem to be very well adjusted.

 

I think you did great, and I'm even going to jot down some notes. I tend to put all of my eggs in 1 basket, and then sit and wonder why the basket broke while not simultaneously looking for another basket. It's a slow process =/

[OrangeSnack]

Honestly, compared to many of the responses that seem to get posted, you seem to have a well thought out reaction to her "explanation".

 

In fact, you seem to be very well adjusted.

 

I think you did great, and I'm even going to jot down some notes. I tend to put all of my eggs in 1 basket, and then sit and wonder why the basket broke while not simultaneously looking for another basket. It's a slow process =/

 

Everyone's different and I think it comes with experience. I am a hopeless romantic and I have told myself many times how can I become better? How can I not get hurt throughout the dating process. Obviously I can't change the way I look or my genetics. But one way is to change mentally. I started testing one by one and realized you know what this could actually work. If one girl doesn't work out, then I have someone else to lean on.

 

I hate the feeling of being empty and lonely. It makes me sad and mad but I know overtime it will heal itself. We tend to forget about our past and our exs becomes like sand. When you gripe the sand really hard you tend to squeeze everything out. But if you gently hold the sand it will fall slowly. I hope that analogy made sense

 

I've had my heart broken many times and majority of the heart breakers just disappears. I've read many stories and posts on this forum as I am quite active from time to time. But you know what, I always tend to see the positive side of things.

Edited December 28, 2013 by OrangeSnack

[OrangeSnack]

Hello all! So I wanted to give you an update. I got a text from her today: after 2 weeks of NC (I think, not really keeping track). I almost forgot her number but anyway this is what I got:

 

Hey Daniel...Happy New Year! Hope all is wonderful Let me know if you would still like to hang out!

 

Hmmmm I haven't responded. Any suggestions?

[OrangeSnack]

So I ended up responding to her after several of hours later. We agreed on a time and date. I was suggesting that we meet closer to where I live but eventually I gave in to being the nice guy and met somewhere closer to her, since she suggested a place.

 

I'm in a pickle at the moment because I don't know what to do... I met up with her for lunch this afternoon. It felt like we were almost strangers. Keep in mind I did the whole NC thingy for 3 weeks and I literally forgot about her. She mentioned to me earlier that she had to do something around 3pm so I wasn't expecting our lunch to be any longer. Anyway, we met up and I was really nonchalant the entire time. I got there a little bit earlier and she texted me that she was parking. She came in and we hugged and we had lunch. We caught up and we talked about what happened in the past three weeks: career, family, friends, etc. She did most of the talking and I just sat there and listened. One take away was the fact that she mentioned how she could be an introvert at time. She said there are times when I need space and I just need time to reflect. But I was hoping that she'll add more to that.. Deep down inside I wanted this meeting/lunch/hang out to be meaningful in a way that I feel it was worth my time. What I really wanted to hear from her was to tell me what the heck happened in the past 3 weeks. Did this person from the past not meet her expectations? I really wanted to know if this whole "hanging" out thing is going to lead me anywhere further than friendship. But the thing was I wasn't sure if it was appropriate for me to ask her all these questions. I really wanted her to tell me "naturally" about why she decided to contact me after several weeks later. I know in our previous phone conversation, I told her I was interested in her if she still wanted continue further and that I would give her all the space she needs but truthfully, I didn't expect her to contact me. So I was a little surprised when I got a text from her...

 

Our lunch was about 1 hour and a half. I basically ended the lunch because I said oh don't you have to be somewhere around 3pm? We should probably leave. But one positive impression she left me was she insisted on paying for lunch but of course, I paid for it. It was a generous offer and I appreciated it . As we parted our ways, she told me that she's going home to work on her project and maybe this evening she will hang out with a few friends. It was a little awkward (I felt) saying good bye because typically with someone that I wanted to see again, I would say let's do it again and plan a tentative date but I didn't. I didn't mention anything... I just wished her the very best and that was it... It's been hours and I was hoping to get a text from her but nothing... I don't feel like I should be texting her or initiating anything anymore.

 

Anyway I wanted some of your feedbacks. I'm so confused at the moment.

 

I'm definitely feeling a little insecure about myself so I need someone to help me answer my questions

 

1). Do you feel that my action today was acceptable? Meaning did I do all the right things? (deep down I wanted to pressure her to tell me what happened, but I didn't because I didn't want to pry on her personal business. What if this person from the past wasn't a bf? What if it was a family member or etc?

2). Did you feel that I was being rude or a dick to her by just listening majority of the time? (She probably talked 80% of the time).

3). Is it right for me to wait for her to text me instead of me texting her? I'm getting a lot of mixed suggestions from my friends. Half of them says I should text her and ask what happened. They also told me that make sure to ask her that she's not just "stringing" me along. The other half of my friends are telling me to wait for her to text me.

 

I don't know what to do guys. Any suggestions? Thanks!

Edited January 13, 2014 by OrangeSnack

[OhThatGirl]

I gotta be honest with you... If I were her, I'd be scared off.

 

A $50 gift and a card after 2 dates? Wow. But not wow in a good way.

 

It may just be my personal preference but this whole situation seems VERY intense. I'm not sure if you're just unsure of your actions and came here to be find out if they were appropriate or if you're so wrapped up in this girl that it means THAT much to you. Either way... I'd back off a bit. It's 3 dates. One of which was a lunch date.

 

At this early of a stage it doesn't matter why she was gone for 3 weeks. I wouldn't pry. Whatever it is, she decided it was worthwhile to continue seeing you.

 

Now, as for "stringing you along" ... That worries me. It's concerning because she is just getting to know you. She's forming an opinion of whether or not she wants to spend more time with you. In NO way is this stringing you along. It's at such an early stage that if you felt strung along I'd question what you thinks she owes you. Let me be the first to tell you.. Nothing.

 

It was respectable that she explained she wanted some time away. It was respectable that you didn't contact her. She probably came back because of the NC. Don't push too much too soon. Ladies want a man that has a great life and would like to better it with their presence. The gifts, your in depth analysis of everything you've said and done, looking for clues and explanations about what she says and does.. It reads needy. And clingy.

 

Again, this is just my opinion. Ladies feel free to chime in.

 

She seems to want to give you a shot so maybe my advice is unfounded but I'd back off a bit. Not back off in the contact or the time or anything.. But rather back off on your expectations. Trust that you've had great teachers about how to treat a woman. Have confidence that you've been a gentleman. But don't question what you're doing or what she's doing. Know that this is very early and it's still very very casual. That's it.

 

Good luck!