Have you ever changed yourself for someone?

[Woggle]

I have heard this from so many separated men. I think when you are young and in love for the first time, you are doing what you think is right -- pleasing her. But in the long run you sacrifice yourself to a degree and learn the hard way, not to do that anymore.

 

It doesn't do a damn bit of good either. The men I know who have relationships that last and are happy don't neuter themselves for anybody.

[nessaaa]

I've tried but it never lasted, I can't change.

...my ex wanted a conservative girl, no makeup, no hair dye ( knowing I work in the beauty industry ) no cursing, no smoking ( even tho he smokes cigars). I was a big turn off....^_^

[beyondcrushed]

It doesn't do a damn bit of good either. The men I know who have relationships that last and are happy don't neuter themselves for anybody.

 

Yup, and then they start resenting you and become increasingly unhappy.

 

Just be yourself. It gives the other person the freedom to be themselves. And if you don't like each other, or don't get along, then move on. There will be someone out there who will. It's very hard to change because someone else wants you to. And even if you do because you think you'll keep him/her, your 'change' won't last. You won't be able to keep up the facade forever.

 

I did that with my exbf. I tried to put on a show and not be myself. I said or did things that I thought would make him like/love me more -- to keep him. Things that I didn't mind doing because they were fun, but things I really wouldn't do if I were on my own. Soon, he realized this was happening and was completely turned off of me. He said he wanted the real me and he felt he wasn't getting that and that he really didn't know who I was. He broke it off with me because he felt I was living my life for him. So, be yourself. Hard lesson learned.

[Shepp]

well, i can't change it, so the best I can do is look for someone who can handle it. it does present problems, for sure, but I guess that is why you keep dating - to find someone who can handle and/or tolerate your personality on a regular basis and still love you for it

I'm teasing you. I know about having to tolerate or "handle" () someone's personality or temperament. My gf is a little in your face and too honest. But she is working on it. I love everything about her and that includes her spicey side.

 

I agree. Feistiness is everything in a girl, I wouldn't change that in my girlfriend for the world! I could live with someone too appeasing!

 

 

Can't say I've ever changed myself for anyone.

 

I've learned things from different people and sometimes use that knowledge to better myself but ive always done it for me not for anyone else.

That's natural though isn't it, like right from being a kid you learn what jokes make people laugh more than others, and then that's the style of humour you keep.

[ponchsox]

Yes, I did and it was a mistake. The second year of my last relationship I catered to her needs for sex. The relationship was not rewarding and I won't do that again.

[2.50 a gallon]

I have done this twice

 

 

First time, for my Ex, prior to the marriage, I was a total pussy hound, about a year before we married she came home early and caught me in bed with her best friend. I coldly told her she could get mad and leave or join in.

 

 

I went out drinking 3 to 4 nights a week. I made great money, but had hardly saved a nickel, as I spent it all on fast cars, motorcycles, and women.

 

 

Seeing this goddess walk down the aisle to take her vows with me, totally change me, and I turned into a loving, caring husband, and hopeful future father.

 

 

Six months later, one of her comments to me as we were braking up, was she no longer knew me.

 

 

I went back to my old ways and lasted for over a dozen years, when I unexpectedly fell in love. My first thought was to do what had always worked for me and that was to run. But for the first time since my Ex, I realized how lonely I was, no matter which path I took I was going to be hurt again, as I truthfully did not think that I had a chance to win her heart.

 

 

I had to force myself to fake it, pretending we were just good friends, with benefits, pretending to trust her, everything totally out of character for me.

 

 

We have now been together for over 18 years, and I no longer have to pretend.

[RedRobin]

The men I know who have relationships that last and are happy don't neuter themselves for anybody.

 

 

I don't know what you are talking about. None of the men in my family approach their relationships with a 'my way or the highway' approach...

 

 

thank god...

 

 

They do compromise... They DO seek mutual agreement. These days, I guess that is called 'neutered'... Probably why I'm still single. I expect mutual compromise and negotiation. Guess that is old fashioned when so many men these days think that being a 'man' means not compromising on anything in order to prove they are a 'man'. Yawn.

[RedRobin]

Have I ever changed myself for someone?

 

 

I've come to accept that to be a successful woman in business AND in a 'relationship', women are obliged to have a split personality.

 

 

To the extent that I can pull that off... yes, that would be changing myself for 'someone'

[Woggle]

I don't know what you are talking about. None of the men in my family approach their relationships with a 'my way or the highway' approach...

 

 

thank god...

 

 

They do compromise... They DO seek mutual agreement. These days, I guess that is called 'neutered'... Probably why I'm still single. I expect mutual compromise and negotiation. Guess that is old fashioned when so many men these days think that being a 'man' means not compromising on anything in order to prove they are a 'man'. Yawn.

 

I have known men who literally have to ask a woman's permission if they want to go out for dinner after work causing them to be home late only an hour. I see other men's wives openly degrade and belittle them in front of company and the men just hold their heads in shame and take it. I see some of my friends become completely different people when they are with a woman.

 

You know I am not some keep them barefoot and pregnant kind of guy and I have an equal marriage but I will be damned if I ever let myself be treated like that.

[RedRobin]

I have known men who literally have to ask a woman's permission if they want to go out for dinner after work causing them to be home late only an hour. I see other men's wives openly degrade and belittle them in front of company and the men just hold their heads in shame and take it. I see some of my friends become completely different people when they are with a woman.

 

You know I am not some keep them barefoot and pregnant kind of guy and I have an equal marriage but I will be damned if I ever let myself be treated like that.

 

 

I don't know about the first example... there may be other things that were planned prior that made the hour late thing an issue... especially if it happens routinely.

 

 

The second sounds like abuse and no one should tolerate that.

 

 

The third is what happens to lots of people. Lots of people ARE different when they are around co-workers, friends, or spouses. That doesn't make them 'neutered'.

 

 

... 'treated like that'... The only one I could object to in a big way is degrading or demeaning your partner. I have no problems checking in with my partner if I'm going to be late... and I've already said that women are expected to have split personalities at work and home. I guess some men are feeling that pressure too? Who knew? Maybe it's a good thing.