My NC - the unexpected journey

[Downtown]

Thank you, Downtown. I think she has at least half those flags. I have also a lot.

Erklat, every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. Moreover, all people can get temporary flareups in their BPD traits -- to a very strong level -- whenever they experience a hormone surge, as occurs during puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, PMS, and perimenopause. This is why BPD (like the other PDs) is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means everyone has it to some degree.

 

At issue, then, is not whether you and your exGF exhibit BPD traits. Of course you do. WE ALL DO. Rather, at issue is whether you exhibit those traits at a strong and persistent level. Not having met you, I cannot answer that question. Hence, if you are seriously concerned about it, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion.

 

I think I will be alone for some more time. I don't think any longer that I need someone.

If you really do have BPD traits at a strong and persistent level, it is extremely unlikely you would (a) be sufficiently self aware to see them and (b) be willing to live alone, thinking that you don't really need someone. Although such people do exist, they are rare.

 

Because a BPDer has such a fragile, fractured self image that she does not really know who she is, a BPDer typically HATES to be alone. She needs to be around a man with a strong personality who will help center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction and purpose. But, when a BPDer gets EXACTLY THAT, she will greatly resent the man because she will misperceive his attempts to help her as him being controlling and manipulating. This is why a popular BPD book is titled I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.

Edited April 27, 2014 by Downtown

[erklat]

 

If you really do have BPD traits at a strong and persistent level, it is extremely unlikely you would (a) be sufficiently self aware to see them and (b) be willing to live alone, thinking that you don't really need someone. Although such people do exist, they are rare.

 

So basically you say since I can perceive and work on my shortcomings, I'm most likely fine?

 

But I'm codependent. I am reading Codependent no more by Melody Beattie and I certainly have most symptoms. It does help me reading it.

 

I will post one paragraph I felt significantly better after reading.

[erklat]

I had an epiphany last night. I was stoned.

 

 

I come from a highly dysfunctional family. I lived through war and was raised in the

society everything was a competition. I have strong narcissistic traits. I always have at least try to be the 'top cat'.

That partly explains my sense of self worth and why I try to mask my insecurities. My father is emotionally abusive.

I moved away recently and I'm through all this trying to put pieces of my life back together.

 

 

All silly things after a breakup are a consequence of chemical overload in your brain which goes into

an infinite loop of analyzing and comparing yourself with someone else your ex might be trying to cure your broken ego.

That is very wrong because it shouldn't be broken at all!

You see... We all hear your not good enough/worse than her current partner.

What you should really hear is that you basically not able to be together. Her decision doesn't mean you are worse at all.

It means simply that her needs weren't met, and probably yours weren't met in return as well.

 

For example, I will use my ex of three years, to whom I was emotionally abusive,

we were in three years LDR and no one from our common circle of acquaitances ever saw that someone loved his partner as much as she loved me.

Was I the rationally best choice for her? NO!

I was emotionally abusive savage who wouldn't budge even when she cried. The more I pushed her away and didn't care about her,

the more affection she showed towards me. It was always my way.

I lost interest. For me, she was the most rational choice. I left her.

Before me, she complained to my best man about a guy how he was really affectionate towards her and bored her to death. Then she found me...

 

My most recent ex is most likely with her ex of one year who punched her for breaking his phone.

I haven't abused her at all until she left me.

Was I the better choice by all standards?

Yes, of course. But my display of social superiority in comparison to her further deteriorated her low sense of self worth.

She felt bad with me. She feels better with guy who begs her and shows her how happy she is with her.

And who occasionally punches her.

That is the reason why you have some women who endure the physical abuse for 20-30 years.

Because in some twisted way it is what suits them the best. It is not like they don't have a choice.

 

That being sad...

All the depression and everything was a result of my shattered ego, while everyone will say I'm the bigger person there.

I haven't walked over my self worth and returned to physically abusive partner.

But I haven't met her needs.

She is entitled to her happiness, as am I.

 

I felt a strange sense of relief last night.

A sense that at last I'm finally ready to let go.

If it is with an abusive partner, she has a right to do so.

Her happiness is not my obligation nor should I miss anything about it.

I really felt something snapped inside me.

 

We are all pieces of a puzzle in the grand scheme of things.

The two of us clearly aren't the two pieces that go together.

But maybe because she fitted in the big picture would reveal the compatible piece for me.

 

I will turn somewhere else now.

Through the process I became a better person and a probably a good partner for someone else who I'll meet somewhere, someday.

 

So to all whose hearts are broken..

It is not because you weren't good enough.

Probably you were the bigger person if there was no abuse there. It just meant that her needs weren't met.

 

Don't read "you're not good enough" from your breakup, when you are.

It is just for someone else. It is not a competition.

[erklat]

Saw her today for the first time in the last three months.

 

With the corner of my eye. I had to move some 30 meters right in front of her

on the square and while sitting in a bar she I believe looked the whole way in my direction.

 

I thought it would leave a stronger impact. Could it be that I sunk so low that it doesn't make a difference anymore?

[elseaacych]

Saw her today for the first time in the last three months.

 

With the corner of my eye. I had to move some 30 meters right in front of her

on the square and while sitting in a bar she I believe looked the whole way in my direction.

 

I thought it would leave a stronger impact. Could it be that I sunk so low that it doesn't make a difference anymore?

 

It doesn't mean that you've sunk anywhere. Instead, it means that you are getting over her. It means you are getting better. It means that you won't let something as trivial as seeing her out and about get to you. It means you are moving on.

[oracle]

....

 

It does not matter who I am, it is what I do that defines me - regardless I'll say couple of lines about myself. I'm 25 yr old software developer to be...

 

 

Don`t let what you do define you. Thats very sad, and unfortunately many people are defined by what they do.

 

Its a means to and end. Puts food on your table and a roof over your head.. Thats where it ends.

[erklat]

It doesn't mean that you've sunk anywhere. Instead, it means that you are getting over her. It means you are getting better. It means that you won't let something as trivial as seeing her out and about get to you. It means you are moving on.

 

Then, if so, why is she the first thing that crossed my mind when I woke up a moment ago? Although I hoped that I would feel differently if I see her. I saw her and I feel the same way as before - like crap.

 

I hope I will soon get rid of this longing I feel after her. My therapist said to meditate and pray for it.

 

Furthermore she said that my father who figuratively crucified me is behind my difficulties in coping with this because I saw myself in her, and through making her happy I saw a hope for happiness too. Is it possible I will fee this way as long as I don't forgive my father?

[erklat]

Don`t let what you do define you. Thats very sad, and unfortunately many people are defined by what they do.

 

Its a means to and end. Puts food on your table and a roof over your head.. Thats where it ends.

 

I believe that is the case when they don't have the opportunity to work something they enjoy. Many people in my country don't, so if you earn for a living doing something that makes you happy, I believe it can't be a bad thing.

[erklat]

Hi friends.

 

I have never thought that the day when I would not think about her would come.

 

But it has

 

Actually... What I realized past week. I met another girl. Not for a relationship

because there are 2000km between us, but she was the first one my ego considered

a greater catch than my ex.

 

So the unbearable pain you are feeling is your ego hurting.

 

The moment I realized I'm capable enough to catch a better chick than her, I was cured.

 

So, get your buns up on the market. I never thought I'd move on. But I had come a long way.

 

You can read all my posts to see how bad my place was.

[elseaacych]

Even recognizing that there are potential partners out there is a good step in the right direction. Even if you know the relationship won't go in that direction, it's always good to build relationships with new people. Keep on going.

[erklat]

Lately I'm so sick and tired when I even think about that.

 

A new, available person came into my life in a most unimaginable way possible.

So I posted my Instagram link on this other local forum and basically she contacted me. We started messaging and instantly saw we were on the same page. Both were alone for quite a some time and you know like you agree on kind of every topic. She also says she would try to build a relationship even if I was often away. She said that in pictures of me and my Alaskan malamute she saw love and commitment. She saw a life she wished to be a part of.

 

She says she never had urge to give someone every second of her spare time as she does with me.

 

And I find her physically very attractive.

 

I'm threading lightly though.

 

Regarding my ex, yesterday I caught myself thinking how we won't speak again. And it was OK. I catch myself thinking about her less and less. I think more about my new romantic prospect. I was waiting at the traffic lights when it struck me how disinterested I am how my ex feels, looks, is she happy, who's she with.

 

I simply don't care any longer.

 

My name is Erklat. In this thread you can see I have been to hell and back. And I found myself again. Believe in NC and strive to be the better you than you were yesterday.

[David87]

Glad to see you ok friend

[erklat]

Glad to see you ok friend

 

Thanks bro!

 

I am actually waiting to meet for a first date with the first girl I'd considerup

as a rrelationship material since the terrible bu.

 

Wish me luck.

[David87]

Thanks bro!

 

I am actually waiting to meet for a first date with the first girl I'd considerup

as a rrelationship material since the terrible bu.

 

Wish me luck.

 

Good luck friend Keep us posted.

[JoeFallkon]

I wish i could be where youre at now.

Its only been a month since we broke up.

Those crazy girls are the ones that intrigue us the most idk why.

[erklat]

I wish i could be where youre at now.

Its only been a month since we broke up.

Those crazy girls are the ones that intrigue us the most idk why.

 

Femme Fatale. I think that the article on Wikipedia was OK when I was reading

why are we attracted to problematic women.

 

The date went OK! She is very cute and very gentle. She has the most beautiful look

ever, I felt like she can see right into my soul.

 

She is very very dedicated to solving her overweight problem.

She was very straightforward about being exclusive as she won't invest

emotionally otherwise - probably she is threading lightly because of her experiences

from the past and me travelling at the moment.

We hear from each other over the phone all the time but basically because of

our jobs we only get a shot at LDR at the moment - she proposed.

 

I let her to express her wishes regarding of how are we going to overlap our lives

and that she has the initiative regarding expressing her wishes.

 

She is infatuated, but so am I. I wish to keep attraction high, but since we are scarcily

available to one another that shouldn't be too tough. I worked hard not to be needy any longer so I don't appear like that.

Edited June 6, 2014 by erklat

[erklat]

Yesterday I got stoned agin.

 

I was working for the last month so this was actually the first opportunity, for

you not to think I have an abuse problem, and I also forgot my prescription so

it helped me fall asleep.

 

Bottom line, we came to a conclusion that I suffer from a unjustifiable lack of confidence.

The guys were so interested in my stories from the trip and I also realized

even we have a stress sometimes we also have fun.

One of them even said I should write so I can tell my grandchildren how I lived.

 

After that we came on topic - chicks. And how I pined after this no good ex.

At the moment, probably partly because my lifestyle I have two women aged 26 both employed and

with college degree who both want to pursue a relationship with me! I don't have a degree yet,

but compared to other of my friends who do... They don't have it. Those are young women, not girls,

they want to build something and they choose me? Wtf? Even a message came through from one of

them saying simply "want to fnck?". Lol.

 

That is because of the treatment I received from my dad. I try hard to forgive him and make it right.

 

The moral of the story. I had it weeks before even when I was still depressed.

Sometimes it is enough to do a minor change in your pov and things look drastically better.

 

You should try it.

[erklat]

With a new girl... I'm constantly stressed I'm going to push things too fast.

 

She is sooooo good I have a hard time believing in that.

 

So basically she started how she has to tell me that she has an ovaries condition

and it won't be simple to have children with her. I said OK and even then we can keep trying

if we feel like it one day and either way I choose her (because I told her about the other chick).

 

Also she has her own lifestyle I try to find my way around but because of

my job I won't be able to stay at someone's and also we need our intimacy.

 

She said it is stupid to pay hotels then and that she likes imagining we have a place

of our own if we can afford it when I come around and that she'll try to change her schedule

so we can weekends together - she works weekends now.

 

Maybe some of the things are too fast and heavy for some. But we are trying to set the stage

on which our rs will play, and since we have a shot at ldr, we have to plan about it.

 

It's beautiful feeling when you have someone who wants to ne together with

you that much!

[erklat]

Tomorrow would've been me and my exes first anniversary.

 

I think about her but not I'm not in pain any longer. Those are thoughts you

have about someone who deeply betrayed you. Then I usually meditate some

how I'm not responsible for anyone's problems except my own and that things I can change are my responsibility. I usually throw couple of sentences about how she doesn't have problems. She IS a problem.

 

With new girlfriend things progressing steadily.

We are very gentle for each other and nurture each others individualism. I try not to stir water too much, I don't calculate, but can't say I'm not cautious. I keep her slightly more invested, but try to be at my half of the field all the time.

 

I will keep you posted on how things develop.

[erklat]

Hi friends.

 

On the ex plan things are progressing steady. I have no longer

anxiety attacks, even though I think about her often, yet it causes me

pain no longer.

 

I was casually typing with this other girl whose friend openly invited me

to move on after her and I got a complaint that I was boring. Of course I heard

I was needy.

After all my hard time working on myself trying not to be like that any longer.

 

Than I gave it some thought.. well it is the same me like I was couple of days ago.

The thing is not all people perceive you the same. Your character trait is a virtue to one

and a flaw to the next.

Furthermore, that same girl has an opinion I am silent and not openly talkative.

 

Thing is that sometimes it is bipolar for me. I am all in character. I am either enthusiastic, or not enthusiastic at all. I'm not into being mildly enthusiastic or playing games. I show my affection or not, I don't play games any longer. For this particular woman it is apparently a flaw.

 

That same me got the impression from this other woman which I'm casually seeing, that I don't

show enough affection. She said you never send me kisses on instant messaging.

-which is true.

 

The third one was so openly infatuated that she said big words on third date.

 

I'm also very reclusive by nature. I see my future in a cottage house far from anyone with a

my dogs, a nice computer that I can play once in a while. To my friends, it is beyond ridiculous.

I either talk or I don't.

It's either that my recovery story is boring because I get only a few answer and all post is mine.

It is not true. It is as valuable painful experience as anyone else's.

 

For this girl...I opened I Facebook's account which I haven't used in a while. We typed, you don't feel

it right, you move on. You will find someone else who will think your intensity is spot on. You try not to contemplate about that for too long or think it as a rejection. It's not shame to be outgoing and it is not rude if your not receptive to it. It's just the way we are.

 

I turned the Facebook's account off again. Tomorrow my friends will ask why I did it and

now it will be awkward if we meet again.

 

FNCK THAT !

 

It outlived the reason I had it open. I didn't open it to please someone or

make someone feel better. My reason are mine and my feelings and opinions are my

own and I'm not budging.

Most people I think will perceive it as rude. I'm not rude. I'm not angry or something.

I'm just not expressing enthusiasm any longer because there is no need if you aren't reciprocitating.

 

But that is me. I will not budge because you think I should as long as my behavior is socially acceptable.

 

Who knows. Maybe it turns like **** testing me...

 

Sorry for the rant. Have a nice day.

[erklat]

So last night we were jestering around the center of the town and I asked this other

girl who I liked. She turned me down, I haven't caught any obvious sign of interest from her

but when I like someone I ask either way. You never know.

 

As I was walking later that night, I was thinking that there were so gorgeous women

and less gorgeous with whom I had interactions over these past month.

WWhat I realized... I couldn't imagine myself loving any of these women and some of them

were like really haawt.

So it's either finding someone with whom you'll fall in love is no easy task, or I am

deliberately sabotaging whatever could possibly happen from the start.

 

What drove me to these thoughts. A friend of mine called me a few

days ago and said my ex from almost two years ago is single again. She jumped

in a rebound immediately after we broke up and the rebound lasted about 15 months.

During that time both of us probably changed a lot. We broke up because I was under great

stress because my father bankrupted, I became dissatisfied, depressed, Codependent.

If there was something like amicable breakup, this was one. We separated because she

ewas the only one investing, and I saw she suffered. It was ldr.

 

The reason I'm not contacting her is because I would throw breadcrumbs, and I'm not sure I'd

see myself raising a family with her, and everyone thinks she's probably the best and most

balanced girl they know. Too much for me apparently. I could imagine myself with immature

beyotch who brought me here.

 

Here is the answer to the newly heartbroken also. It happens.

[erklat]

So last night something happened. Not a biggie at all but now I'm thinking more of the beyotch than I'd like to.

 

There was this friend of hers with whom I communicated in the aftermath of the breakup.

She was thrilled with the idea of that present. I wish I knew better at that time.

It was early November last year.

I posted a lot of photos on Instagram in the meantime. Some of them really interesting and

from my travels abroad. Radio silence. Last night she liked the last most trivial photos of the all.

 

This doesn't mean chit. It means that now I'm thinking unfortunately about her.

 

So my advice. Block the chit out of her social circle. You don't need any triggers like this.

[erklat]

For the first time since May 12th, I feel like an ar$e agin.

 

I definitely could live without someone from her social circle triggering me.

I'm still emotionally unavailable unfortunately. I try to date but deep down I don't

care. I'm mean to other women because some dirtbag pierced my soul.

[erklat]

It's been a while, how've been lately?

 

On my side it has been four months sharp since the last

panic attack that I can attribute to her. I don't think I will

have another though. I have reached the indifferrence albeit

I'm interested how will it go when I finally meet her which will

surely happen once. There are days now that I do not think of

her.

 

I have changed. I have a new woman. She is kind, caring, she

tries to disarm me, but I know I will never again so naively fall

in love.

 

In some areas I stagnated. Last year when I was in heartbreak

I went four times weekly to gym, I took out my Alaskan mal two

three times daily out. I was more active and in better shape.

 

Today I'm on good route becoming prospective Frontend developer.

I learned to enjoy my trade and I learn new things daily. I have six

job interviews next week. And none of them

actually hired. I sent informal inquiries around. I'm struggling also

to finish my studies. So professionally I think I'm still

growing, but I'd wish to be similarly active as one year before.

I guess I just can't manage.

 

Also I decided I will be starting my own blog on romantic

relationships. People will mock me at first but the experience

we here endured and knowledge we shared among ourselves

I believe gives me the obligation to help others who have lost

their beacon like I had. Now I know my purpose in life.

 

The thing that I'm contemplating about currently is what

impact will that trauma embedded in the foundation of my

new personality have on me in the future?

[erklat]

15 months sharp since the BU today. Actually I thought I could write

Couple of sentences and then I realized it was 15 months ago.

 

This forum actually could put you in a relapse. I was more at peace when

I was not frequenting here, but I guess I have to learn to deal with it because

I also find comfort helping others to come to where I am now.

 

I caught some feelings for the new lady. I am still somewhat unavailable, but

Last night we slept together and as we were cuddling I realized how kind and

Affectionate she is, how she tries to please.

 

Neediness and clinginess are completely gone. I have my life and my power back.

Can't say that I'm not happy now compared to where I were last year.

 

Do you think its okay not to acknowledge your when you meet her?