My NC - the unexpected journey

[erklat]

I do believe that NC helps you stay clear of the friendzone.

 

If romantic feelings were genuine, there is no way any other form of relationship is possible.

 

At least I know I will have a better position once I get a chance.

[hudson701]

I agree. Romantic feelings were genuine but she is still full of bile at the moment and very angry at me. She suggested friendship about a month down the line but I'm not sure if I should meet incase I'm friend zoned. I'd be open to meeting to discuss possibly starting over and taking things very slow, but her standard comeback at the moment is "we can't just jump back to stuff that's not normal". And I agree we can't just go straight back into things, that much is obvious. So how do I reply with an appropriate response to that?

[darry]

I'm currently on day 17 NC. But felt the need to break it just to send her a text to apologize for everything i have done and for taking her for granted..

[erklat]

I agree. Romantic feelings were genuine but she is still full of bile at the moment and very angry at me. She suggested friendship about a month down the line but I'm not sure if I should meet incase I'm friend zoned. I'd be open to meeting to discuss possibly starting over and taking things very slow, but her standard comeback at the moment is "we can't just jump back to stuff that's not normal". And I agree we can't just go straight back into things, that much is obvious. So how do I reply with an appropriate response to that?

 

You say that you have no intention in being her friend but you agree to try and see if you could slowly rebuild trust.

 

I tend to hope that she is angry with me also. But since six months have passed without us communicating hardly at all, I think she's just gone...

 

It is sometimes hard to convince yourself if she was the one you needed you will eventually find a way one to another.

[elseaacych]

It is sometimes hard to convince yourself if she was the one you needed you will eventually find a way one to another.

 

Amen to that. I feel like there is a "general plan" for everything, but some random curve balls get thrown in just to test you and to see if your plan is working, or if your plan needs tweaking.

 

My ex was a random curve ball. He and I most likely never would have had the connection we did if we met in any other way. It may be awhile before you find out whether she was a curve ball or not. It depends on how you both approach your respective life plans. If you have similar wants and needs, and you HONESTLY complement each other, and plan on staying in the same general area, your respective life plans may once again come together.

[erklat]

Most likely I couldn't keep that relationship together at that time no matter what.

 

If I hadn't parted ways with my family, I would be either in Russia or in Uruguay working, while I live in central Europe.

 

So much distance between us would have been too much either way for a girl 21 year old.

[erklat]

This post made my day, thanks to Guyver from ena.

 

So you got dumped? Sucks hard, doesn't it? Four months ago getting dumped made me go banana's, and turned me into a sad, pathetic, miserable chump. At least.. that's how i see it now when i look back. Four months ago i saw myself as a powerless victim, desperate to find SOME way to get my ex girlfriend back. And i did find ways that would help me do that! Everybody that gets dumped seems to end up reading into no-contact and finding some peace in it, as it gives hope. I was still somewhat in that state of mind a week ago. But this weekend, the lights blinked on, and i realized what the f*ck had happened. I woke up.. it was kind of weird and unexpected, but do i feel great now! And.. so wil you!! Definately!!

 

I'm not going to tell you the story of how i lost the girl. Simply because it doesn't matter. And you probably will look for comparisons or signs that will tell you something about YOUR situation. To give you HOPE. You know you do! I have been doing the same thing for the past four months, because somewhere between the lines, there might have been something that would raise HOPE and reduce the anxiety that comes with the horrible feeling of maybe never getting her back. I'm saying this wrong.. I was looking for an excuse not to move on, and not to have to let go of HOPE. I needed confirmations my HOPE was justified and realistic. Chances are.. you are doing this too.

 

HOPE is kind of your enemy now, i guess. The longer you hold onto it, the slower the process of healing will be. I assume you know about No-Contact.. it really, really, really is about you. It's a tool for healing, and bettering your own life. Maybe your ex will look at you differently when you have become an awesome person, maybe she will miss you when she doesn't hear from you and maybe she will have you back. But maybe she will also succumb to begging, pleading and all that we do in the first days after we get dumped. Or maybe she moves on without you. People are all different. Situations are different. We can all help eachother, and share our experiences. But we cannot change eachother. WE need to make OURSELVES happy. We think we lost the key to hapiness when we lose our love. While in fact we get a valuable lesson and a chance to make our hapiness grow exponentially. That's what we want isn't it? To be happy and proud of ourselves. Although, when you're in a "i want her back" state, you don't want to hear it. You can hardly imagine being happy without her. I've been there. I've done that, and if there was one, i would have bought the effing t-shirt.

 

I lost both my jobs as well as my girlfriend last year. The first of january marked the start of a period of emptiness for me. Or so it seemed. December was spent begging, pleading, and making a fool out of myself. I didn't even care losing my second job at the same time. I wanted her back. I read about No-contact, and started to hold on to that. I also had a lot of spare time all of a sudden, and was Lucky to have a little bit of money left in my piggy bank.

I started working out three times a week, and stopped drinking on weekdays. I started taking karate lessons to make me feel more confident. I took guitar lessons, because i Always wanted to do that. I also rekindled old friendships and started new ones, and started socializing more. I was growing physically and mentally. Became more muscular and confident, and remembered how happy i could be by myself. I became proud of ME!

 

In the meanwhile, i was still holding onto hope. After a period of no-contact i emailed her again, and she all of a sudden decided we should meet up! HELL YEAH!! This would be my chance to show her she made a mistake, and we would be back together in no time! So we met last week. I was kind of anxious.. i didn't want to mess up this chance! And i didn't. We talked about how we both changed.. She was radiating confidence and hapiness, and i saw again what a godess she was. But i didn't feel it, although that was something that had to sink in during the last week. After the meeting i felt neutral. I guess i didn't know what to feel anymore. I didn't feel the love.. but i still wanted her back.. but.. i.. forgot.. why?!

 

Really.. two days after the meeting i felt like i was back at square one. But square one was a different place somehow. I looked for advise on what to do now, which i got, although all the advices were different and contradicting eachother. I decided i would wait a week before i called her, as someone on this forum advised me to do. That was a great advice!!! I started realizing i had lost her... and that she was acting in front of me when we met. I was kind of drawn back during the meeting, because i was being me. I didn't feel the need to prove myself to her, because i have proven myself to ME! I felt kind of sad for her, as she was pretending to be someone else, and using superficial charm to make me realize what i had lost. But wait a second! That was ALSO how she conquered my heart three years ago.. And how she acted the two years after that.. Why i felt the lack of real connection and intimacy in our relationship. Why she could be hot and cold on and off, never showing her real feelings about stuff. Why we never could have an argument and grow, because she was avoiding, and -insert any annoying behaviour here- . Besides.. she still didn't give my stuff back, despite me asking for it multiple times.. How could she be such a little ******???

 

Was this the same girl i was so crazy about? Not really.. This was the girl i was in a relationship with. A relationship that gave me a sense of security. One that was filled with lots of joy and fun things we did together. I was more crazy about that sense of security. The girl and me were growing apart for months before our breakup. The dynamics were bad.. even toxic at times. But when she broke up with me.. All those bad things were quickly forgotten and overshadowed by fear of losing the SECURITY.

 

Was this the girl i was so desperatelly wanting back? Most definetaly not! That girl didnt exist. Only the feeling of security i feel in a relationship existed. In order to not have to deal with losing that, i needed HOPE. So i created a better version of her in my mind. I kind of forgot or marginalized all the bad parts of her, and blamed myself big time for messing up. See what i did? I made her HUGE in my mind, and reduced my self image to null. Now it was my job to get her back, so i could feel happy again. When i met her.. it was surreal in a way. There she was.. my ex.. who i want back. But.. she's not really.. huh?! Does that matter? I just want her back.. or not?

 

Last Saturday something happened. While in confusion about why on earth i was wanting her back (i still WANTED to feel that i WANTED! = HOPE), i went out with a friend. In the pub, i ran into a girl i slept with a few years back. I went up to her, and we laughed. We hadn't spoken for a year or so, so she asked me what i was up to these days. I talked about karate, working out, playing the guitar and how fun it was, and about some plans i had for the future. While doing this i fellt a strong feeling of confidence coming up (i realized how much i achieved for myself, and still would in the future). A friend of hers overheard our conversation, and started flirting with me. Half an hour later, another girl i knew came into the pub with a friend. The same thing happened with those girls too.. I was in the market! Because i became awesome and more confident than i ever felt. It must show.. that feels good!! I even felt some sincere affection with one of them. But.. doesn't that mean i stopped HOPING? Or was starting to do so?

 

Yup... I realized the most important lesson i might have learned ever. I don't NEED my ex, or any girl specifically!! Unless i can make myself happy, and get the best out of being me, i don't WANT anybody either (notice the difference between wanting and needing). When i rock MY life, i will find somebody to rock with TOGETHER, while we both rock our own lives as well. When we are awesome (again) and healed after a breakup, we will attract new people. If that doesn't work out, we will heal again and try again with someone better. We grow and we grow, and we become more happy along the way. I will NEVER put somebody on my pedestal. Next time i get dumped (knock on wood-it's not fun), i will put my HOPE in reaching a point where i am a bigger and better person i was at the end of the relationship. NOT into a girl that only exists in your mind, and is in fact composed of your own fears and anxiety. This what we tend to do with our dumpers, i believe now. So to close this off, i would like to share what made me reach this point. I will leave out the pathetic parts that occured between the steps Those are not good!

 

-Go no-contact. But just that.. Try to really forget wanting her back! Very important!!!

-Start up new hobbies!!!!!! Work out!! Meet new people and have fun!

-Read into attachement theory!!! (surprises me this is hardly mentioned anywhere). Learn about what attachement is!

-Put yourself around people of the opposite sex. Just enjoy the interaction. (be cautious for the rebound-stuff! Bad idea!)

-HEAL! And then, if you still feel like it.. meet up with her. See what it makes you feel like. If you did well letting go of wanting her back, it's safe! But i think only when you have really moved on for at least a big part, and after a minimum of 2,5/3 months of no-contact.

-Decide if you still want her back. And if so, WHY? If you don't.. Just go and be awesome!

 

Well.. this is my story. Hope it might help somebody one day. Just remember.. after getting dumped, we get CUCKOOOOOOOO! But it WILL get better. Even.. no.. probably without our ex, if we opt for the maximum growth in ourselves! There's light at the end of the tunnel! ALWAYS!!

And after a few months, or maybe, if we're Lucky and strong, a few weeks, you will automatically start to see it again. With or without her. The trick is to hold on to this vision once we're in a relationship, i guess! We tend to doze off, once we have the addictive security of a relationship again!

[NoLeafClover]

I do not give advise to people that do not help me with my JAVA assignments.

 

..on the other hand I think you should really find someone else and move on from this one...though i know how hard it is for some i.t guys to find women in the work place. Depends where you work, it's mostly a bunch of cockfest jobs

 

and what kind of merc?

[erklat]

I do not give advise to people that do not help me with my JAVA assignments.

 

..on the other hand I think you should really find someone else and move on from this one...though i know how hard it is for some i.t guys to find women in the work place. Depends where you work, it's mostly a bunch of cockfest jobs

 

and what kind of merc?

 

 

I'm afraid I didn't understand you very well?

 

I'm Front-end developer. I know some desktop programming but I mostly work with .NET

 

I haven't programmed in Java in ages so I can't really help you there.

 

Regarding a girl, she is in my hometown 300km away learning for a tourist guide. So that kind of makes it easier on me. Either way it is hard to have a relationship unless you are on the same pages in life.

 

I don't look for a hope. There is no reconciliation unless I have the same feelings for her as for any other female.

[erklat]

My malamute ran away last night.

 

They hid the news from me for a day being afraid I'd snap I guess.

I located him in 45 minutes.

 

I learned two things about myself.

 

First being in pain over my ex is not so frightening as a fear of losing my precious companion is. He won't leave you because you are sad and can't hide it.

 

Second, when I heard he is sheltered I quickly imagined a situation when I sheltered him and this Madam gave me a hard time for wanting to shelter an animal, instead of being just happy he's off the street - even though I was, not to be confused.

 

After that, when I contacted my sister and say I knew why she was so evasive, I heard my father saying he told me that grandparents won't be able to take care of him. I got enraged then because I guess I showed I have no plans of listening to what he has to say.

 

After that I felt bad because - the animal is happy and this was an accident and not animal mistreatment - which the people sheltering him implied . the constant need to validate to my father and the others and always seeing the worst in people.

 

I guess that derives from my ego and selfishness and desperately trying to demonstrate to others my sense of self worth and a way I see myself. I haven't noticed it as a problem until now.

 

Then I contacted grandparents and apologized for stressing them out by leaving a dog at theirs. That felt food in a way.

 

Other time I saw this one chick at another local forum who asked for a advice who was harassed by trolls and in the end got banned.

She is 31yo, so 6 years older. I haven't engaged never with older woman even though I peeked at the way she wrote and opinion she gave and decided to fire off some conversation because I feel we could be intellectually compatible and have similar relationship outlook.

 

I like slightly older and more mature women. I don't have issue with that and I think it kind of cute. Would you romantically engage with an older woman. I don't feel the urge to communicate often as I am an introvert.

 

But I felt with her.

[erklat]

Hello, friends!

I hope all are doing great and are strong and vigilant on their

Quests for self improvement..

 

Last week I started an exchange online with this one girl.

Or woman, she's 29, I'm 25.

 

So basically I'm excited because I like the way she thinks and we share a lot of same interests and

also I notice that somehow she communicates in a similar fashion I do.

Sometimes I think like I'm reading something I wrote down sometime ago while reading her

emails.

 

We are meeting next week.

 

I made a promise to myself to never be with a emotionally immature person again.

 

YET!!

 

I'm not excited as I wished to be. The ex and the trauma still have a grip on me.

 

Now I'm insecure if I should even try and already put myself under strain of expectations

even though I'm looking for someone to hang out with, to hug if I want to, to snuggle when we both

want to and she wants the same. But I have this gut wrenching feeling I'll just hurt her in the end because

I brought my emotional baggage with me and I'll just end up hurting her - she could be doing the same though.

 

I just hate because this is for my ex. Even though I was far from ideal she had no right to crush me

so hard.

 

Can anyone share their opinion please?

[elseaacych]

People are going to tell you that you shouldn't be dating yet because you aren't "over" your ex. Well, getting over someone you love takes a long time. You aren't getting any younger, and you shouldn't pass up an opportunity to date if it is offered, because you never know how it will go.

 

This being said, keep the following things in mind:

 

-don't compare your ex and the new girl. Compare the new girl to your standards for women in general, as in "I like this particular quality about her", not "Oh, she reminds me of my ex when she does that."

-don't go in there expecting to form a relationship with her. Your goal here is just to get to know her. Think back to how you acted when you were first dating your ex, or any other people. Act like that.

-don't feel a NEED to form a relationship because it will make you feel better. Form a relationship because you WANT to get to know the other person. You will know the difference between these feelings if/when the question comes up.

-If all you want is a casual relationship/booty call, make sure the other person knows the boundaries of the relationship.

-Don't bring up your ex right away. If it comes up somehow, change the the topic of the conversation.

-Talk about first date topics. Don't expect to talk to her on the same level that you talked to your ex.

-HAVE FUN! DATING IS FUN. Don't stress out about it.

 

The key is low expectations and awareness of self. It's okay to feel a little nervous, just focus on the other person. And try not to unconsciously wedge your ex into the date.

 

Good luck! You can do it!

Edited April 5, 2014 by elseaacych

[erklat]

I really can't tell when will I be over her because at the moment I'm just short of

Seven months out and we were together three months.

I think really she has a bpd and I'm codependent. I might need to seek assistance.

[elseaacych]

Counseling is great. Find the best one you can get for your price range. They will help you find ways to cope. Mine helped me address my fears associated with socializing in general, and I've made tremendous strides.

 

As for recovery. You have no idea how long it will take. Day by day is the only way to go. Hours are only your enemy if you don't use them wisely.

[erklat]

Counseling is great. Find the best one you can get for your price range. They will help you find ways to cope. Mine helped me address my fears associated with socializing in general, and I've made tremendous strides.

 

As for recovery. You have no idea how long it will take. Day by day is the only way to go. Hours are only your enemy if you don't use them wisely.

 

I think that progress I have made since Christmas when I opened

this thread is tremendous.

 

But it was short lived relationship and we are broken up twice

the duration of rs and more, and still I can't move on completely.

 

I know most of it is self inflicted and I really don't allow it to obstruct

any of my daily routines, but I hate the fact that I'm still hurting.

[erklat]

Damn do I miss her.

 

Is it because of the holidays that I'm expecting any kind

of reaction or what I don't really know.

 

I have another romantic prospect who actually wants to be wit me

and I still can't get her out of my darn mind.

[erklat]

An interesting read. Dumper or Dumpee: Dating Help With A Break Up | The Mirror of Aphrodite

 

So in conclusion, it could just be that within the dumper versus dumpee psychological scenario – it’s not really who’s hurting more versus who’s hurting less that determines the ultimate outcome.

 

It’s the INTEREST level of the man – and the REACTIONS of the woman – that appear to be the single most important factor in determining the final outcome.

 

My advice to men: If you truly think the woman may be the one for you, after giving things considerable room to breathe, pursue her with all you’ve got. Set your ego and your pride aside, do not be discouraged, and pull out all the punches (romance) and go for it. Win her over.

 

My advice to women: Don’t overreact, keep your emotions in check and don’t over analyze the situation and heighten your insecurities. Give things considerable room to breathe and wait to see if the man’s genuinely interested. If he is, HE will pursue YOU.

 

If you want the relationship to work out in the end: Men, bring your “A-Game” to the plate. And ladies, keep your emotions “in check.”

[elseaacych]

Coincidentally, I read that today as well. It's a decent article. However, you gotta know when to shut the door. It is so hard, though.

 

Hope you and your new love interest are doing well.

[oracle]

You need to grow up. You seem a lot younger than your are.

 

So this chick I met couple of days ago has exams but is coming to my home alone gathering tomorrow with my best man and his gf.

 

Yay, success.

 

So I can tell tomorrow I'll be thinking a lot less a about my ex-hole.

[Breadimus]

An interesting read. Dumper or Dumpee: Dating Help With A Break Up | The Mirror of Aphrodite

 

This article is the biggest load of rubbish that ever existed.

 

If a woman loses attraction to a man and feels that the relationship is not right. "I love you you, but I am not in love you" kind of thing, it is not on the man to do anything after the break up has ended.

 

This is not some Disney movie where the Prince must rescue the Princess, this is real life and a man deserves just as much respect, commitment and trust as a woman.

 

A man who has been left, should never pursue. Make your feelings known once the relationship ends and move on with your life. It is up to the woman to then address if she made a mistake or not.

 

This article states a woman should never go after a man because of a fear that they will be made FWB. This is condescending and belittles men. A man who loves a woman properly and is worthy of coming back to will not act like a pig, but will seriously consider a reconciliation. Though if this happens it should start off anew, and afresh and with the same amount of courting as originally.

 

Please stop reading new wave rubbish written by the creators of HBO's Girls.

[erklat]

Hope you and your new love interest are doing well.

 

We are kind of at a standstill. I don't want to appear as chasing because I don't want to look needy.

 

I did my share of neediness when my ex left me, enough for this lifetime.

[erklat]

Hello friends.

 

I am just checking in to say that I feel like I am finally moving on.

 

I basically enjoy life, I removed things that constantly dragged me under all

those years (even before meeting her) and I enjoy my new perspective.

 

I am chatting with multiple girls, I approached a extremely hot blonde in front of the five friends after we smiled during the day the other day, so my self-worth and confidence are back.

 

I no longer look for hope. I don't talk about her at all. It is like we never existed.

I don't read when and how she will resurface in my life. Because I don't care.

She is no longer the person I knew.

And if she was, she would still be emotionally unavailable mess of a person incapable of being in a relationship with a man. I am a catch to better females than she is.

 

I am going on a trip in two weeks.

I came back froma a trip this Thursday.

I have a lot going on in my life.

But because of the new regime I am sad because I have no time for gym and no time for my dog.

 

So my advice to you friends is... NC all the way.

 

I am badly codependent person and have a personality disorder most likely, I take ADs and it took me twice the duration of our short lived relationship to get over it.

Our plans and scent of unused potential are the worst.

But don't dwell on it. If there was any potential... You would still be together.

It is rarely about you. I had problems. It was hard being by my side then. There is at least one person who would have endured that and stood by your side.

 

She did not.

 

Sometimes I think that these boards prolonged my pain. But that was because I used them wrong.

I always read through the threads where people reunited looking for a glimmer of hope which would indicate that my case is exactly the same.

 

It doesn't matter! Put in your head that this is the part of your therapy. You come here as a part of your quest to be a better person!

 

Some days I feel like everything is just an illusion and that I'm the same poor sod I was back then when I had nothing.

That I still feel awfully victimized and that convincing myself I'm a better person now is just rationalizing the pain I suffered.

 

So, friends, you will come on top of this. There is no way actually you can fail unless you continue to wallow in your loss - which is not a loss at all.

Edited April 21, 2014 by erklat

[elseaacych]

You sound like you are doing much better than you were a couple weeks ago. Again, all these ups and downs are pretty unpredictable, and ideally, you should be feeling like you've hit a consistent baseline for at least two weeks where you are mostly up/indifferent. And your thoughts about her are fewer and far between.

 

Send us more good news in a couple of weeks, even if it's short. This forum always needs stories of success.

[Downtown]

I think really she has a bpd and I'm codependent.

Erklat, what behaviors were you seeing that make you feel they are red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)? If you are interested, I list the typical BPD red flags in my post at 18 Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I suggest you read my more detailed description of them in Rebel's Thread.

 

Because I refer to that thread quite frequently, it likely is the one FreedomRings was referring to today in Caliguy's thread. If that description in Rebel's thread rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Erklat.

[erklat]

Erklat, what behaviors were you seeing that make you feel they are red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)? If you are interested, I list the typical BPD red flags in my post at 18 Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I suggest you read my more detailed description of them in Rebel's Thread.

 

Because I refer to that thread quite frequently, it likely is the one FreedomRings was referring to today in Caliguy's thread. If that description in Rebel's thread rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Erklat.

 

Thank you, Downtown. I think she has at least half those flags.

 

I have also a lot. Given our backgrounds and dysfunctional families... It's really

no wonder.

 

I was on a first real date tonight and we made out a little for the first time

since the breakup. She is very cute albeit not as attractive as my ex.

 

So when we were talking I was constantly walking on eggshells not wanting to hurt the

girl while making sure she doesn't develop some unrealistic feelings for me.

I basically said that I'm looking for some good time. Even though casual dating

is not bad arrangement... I feel bad. Like I'm permanently damaged by my ex.

 

I think I will be alone for some more time. I don't think any longer that I need someone.

So that is an improvement by itself.

 

It will be interesting to read this thread one day when I am older.