New boyfriend's past bothers me-- not sure what I got myself into

[KatZee]

Why would anyone make sh*t like this up? Even if you were right and this guy's past is all a fantasy, his lies would make him sound like a basket case and he wouldn't be able to get/keep any girls like that.

 

Sure about that?

 

OP is with him.

 

OP is asking how to get over his past, not how to get over HIM.

 

Tons of girls LOVE a scenario like this. Where they think they're the girl who got the guy to change, and she's so special and so amazing and unlike any other girl he's dated before. And of course he wouldn't do anything bad to her, because he's reformed and she's just so much greater than these other girls he screwed over.

 

Tons of people live in "he wouldn't do that to ME" land.

[purplepanda]

You asked us how to "get over his past" and the general consensus is that you shouldn't and you need to leave him before this goes any further.

 

Let me use myself as an example: when I was his age I dated a guy who had slept with over 20+ people and was a total womanizer, but he convinced me "it was all in the past". Needless to say, after spitting game at me, he finally got so frustrated that I wouldn't have sex with him (after he KNEW I wouldn't jump into bed with him), he confessed he was just playing me. The part that made me see a huge similarity was how your guy is very pushy with anal and that's how my ex was too. He would honestly pull his dick out and try to put it inside me while we were making out and I'd have to say NO multiple times. It wasn't rape or anything, but just a complete lack of respect for me. Now, I know our situations aren't identical, but a person's past is important and there's only so much you can overlook. Based on his history with girls, I shouldn't have accepted his many apologies or bought into his charm as easy as I did, but hey I was only 18!

 

If you were older and both were settled with careers, then maybe I could buy into him saying that "he's changed", but at 18? Come on.

 

He's already insulting you and he thinks it's funny? This dude is no good...and no, that is not ADHD so don't buy into that bull****. Very FEW people truly have ADHD and even if he did, it wouldn't cause that kind of behavior. Next, he is responsible (sort of) for getting a girl hooked on meth who he then cheated on repeatedly. To make matters worse, he got her pregnant and she had the baby last month. WHOA, I know you're 20 so you know basic math I'm sure. I'm not trying to insult you, but come on! This girl probably got pregnant around January of THIS YEAR. HOW IN THE WORLD CAN SOMEONE CHANGE THAT MUCH WITHIN A YEAR? AND WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DATED A GIRL LIKE THE ONE YOU DESCRIBED? There is NO way you can convince me that she didn't show any signs of being insane when they were together, so that leads me to believe that he's just as crazy as his ex. Also, having a baby with this psycho means she will FOREVER be in his life. FOREVER. She may try to keep the baby away from him, but one day she will come back. That's how crazy works! Just because this dude doesn't shoot up meth anymore (maybe you smoke it, I don't know) doesn't mean he's changed. He's still a stupid kid who has a baby with a girl who is a Satanist that he cheated on constantly. His past is why you shouldn't trust him. There are things in some peoples' pasts that you have to accept if you want a relationship to work (for example, my boyfriend got really drunk when on vacation with his friends and had sex with a girl whose name he didn't even know. That grossed me out to no end, but we're young and nothing else in his past suggested that was anything more than a drunken mistake) but then there are things like the ones I pointed out that should make you run for the hills and never look back. Why a 20 year old girl would want to date a man with a baby is beyond me.

 

What birth control are you using?

 

He didn't get the girl he was with pregnant. The "psycho" was the one he cheated with. Probably made the story a lot worse.

 

Well, if it helps, probably 90% of what he's told you about his past is completely made up.

 

Whenever someone has a lot of crazy stories about their past, you've got to be suspicious. Yeah, crazy things happen in life, but when it's just instance after instance of shocking things happening to them, you can pretty much assume they're making things up. I mean, look at his claims:

 

I used to smoke meth.

I got a girl hooked on meth, cheated on her multiple times, got her pregnant. (Pregnancy may be true, be dubious of the backstory)

My ex is crazy, worships Satan, and put a dead bird in my backpack.

One time this girl bought me a car, and then I slept with her hot mom. (Absolutely did not happen the way he described it.)

I've totally had a threesome.

 

...And all of this by the age of 18. Actually, 17, because he told you he hasn't been with anybody for a year, right?

 

I bet if you start thinking about other things he's told you, you'll begin to notice that they're pretty outlandish or that things don't add up. For example, does he have a story about a night out with his friends which might resemble something out of the Hangover Part Three? Or maybe some really psycho family members? Is he a former Navy SEAL?

 

I've known a lot of liars in my life. This is the kind of stuff they lie about.

 

And okay, I'll admit that maybe I'm projecting or being paranoid, or whatever. Let's assume for a moment that every word he's ever uttered is completely true. In that case, he has a pretty craaazy life. That's a lot for you to deal with. He's surrounded by a lot of really weird people, like the girl who gave him a car, her hot mom, and the Satanic, raven-killing ex. He also has no problem blabbing about his sexual history.

 

So how to deal with all that baggage? I guess you'd have to just accept it and forget about it. You bury it and say to yourself "That's all in the past and what really matters now is that he's with me."

 

If that doesn't sound like something you want to do, move on.

 

If I'm being honest, though, I don't think you should put any effort into a relationship with a guy who tries non-consensual butt stuff or who says such insensitive things as "it wasn't enjoyable" or "I'm used to being with girls that are great in bed." He's either so stupid he doesn't understand how that might be hurtful, or he's purposely trying to belittle you and use your body. Either way, it's not good and you shouldn't stick around for it.

 

Didn't get his girlfriend pregnant, he got the girl he cheated with pregnant!

Yeah, I don't know.

I brought it up again and he said, "you asked me, and I was honest with you." I said, "You just don't say that to someone you care about."

 

You say he treats you right? No, he doesn't. If he did, he wouldn't have made ridiculous and demeaning comments to you in bed. That is NOT treating you right. Stay the heck away from this guy. He's going to continue hurting you. He's only 18 and he's managed to get himself into this much trouble - ask yourself why you don't believe you deserve more. His actions and general behaviour indicate that he seriously lacks foresight, compassion for you, and good judgement. It's not in his past; he simply isn't old enough to have put it all behind him!

 

Not sure what to do though.

 

He sounds a bit douchey, but maybe you shouldn't focus on his past so much? I can actually relate to you a little bit, my boyfriend is 19 and i'm 21. He was into alot of drugs before I met him (mainly just party drugs and weed) and he also had slept with 20+ girls before we got together !??!?! I know he loves me though, he says i've made him a better person and the only girl he has loved. Might sound like bull but he's proved that to me.

 

As for him saying that he's used to girls being better in bed, thats just rude! maybe he's ignorant and used to younger girls pretending that he's amazing in bed and over exaggerating who knows. Tell him that what he said bothers you, you're older than him! don't let him push u around

 

He's made a comment like, "You may be older than me but not mentally." I was so appalled, I couldn't say anything. He said this as I was giving him a ride somewhere. Mother****er.

 

CC12,

You're being ridiculous.

 

 

purplepanda,

I absolutely abhor telling people to break up. It's often a mean-spirited thing to do and I always prefer that people decide what's best for them on their own. But you need to stay away from this person. I ask that you walk away from the situation immediately.

 

 

 

He is treating you in ways bring complete misery into your life!

 

 

 

 

Stop making excuses for HIS behavior. He isn't joking with you. He's making jabs to the point where you bawl your eyes out. His upbringing does NOT somehow make his behavior acceptable. Being ADHD does NOT give him a free pass to tear you down. Those with ADHD do not treat people this way. Complete and total jerks treat people this way. And he's done a lot to you. He doesn't respect you, he treats you the same way as your Ex, and he will continue making you bawl.

 

 

 

You have no business being in any relationship with anyone right now. Expressing your wants and needs is the most basic skill needed for interpersonal relationships. Take the time to learn that skill while in a safer environment. You need to decide right now whether or not you want to continue being torn apart. If you choose to put up with this and make excuses, understand that you will face the consequences of your actions. It's Christmas eve. Why not go outside and to volunteer for a food pantry, go to a church, call a crisis center, anything to give you fresh air and a clearer perspective?

 

I plan on having a talk with him. Not sure how it will go.

 

This isn't his past. It's too close to his present.

 

 

The fact that you aren't used to dating men who are nice to you breaks my heart. What he said to you was unforgivable. Think about all the people here on LS who want to break up with somebody because the person didn't return their text messages fast enough. the fact that you say: "other than the annoying things he does and the couple of hurtful things he's said about me, he treats me right" makes me want to proverbially smack some sense into you because you have no understanding of what it means to treat some one right. They don't say the horrible things this guy said to you.

 

 

At 18 he already has more drama -- meth, a baby, a lousy attitude, an STD, ADHD -- than most people.

 

 

As for taking responsibility for his child, he needs to man up. He should contact a lawyer about his parental rights, although staying away from that poor kid so he doesn't make the child's life worse is probably the best thing he can do. Nevertheless, he made this baby & even if the mother doesn't want him in the baby's life he had support obligations. Is he making payments to probation? Has he started an account in the kids' name? Is he doing anything other than shirking his responsibility? Of course not. And that is why he is not the fabulous wonderful BF you think he is.

 

Someone on here made me think that all this stuff he's told me might be a lie... never thought about that. :/

 

He's 18 you're 20 that's not a huge age gap and with the right person its very doable but for some in those precious years some mature a lot then and maybe he's not there yet.

 

From how he describes sex it sounds like he expected you to act like he rocked your world and when you didn't howl like his other girls (may of been even younger than you and over acted) that he might of been insulted and turned it all around on you.

 

Run away run away!

 

Yeah he kinda started that with, "you don't make much noise or facial expressions." Well I've never had an orgasm during sex, only from myself. -_- Of course I'm not screaming my head off.

 

Sure about that?

 

OP is with him.

 

OP is asking how to get over his past, not how to get over HIM.

 

Tons of girls LOVE a scenario like this. Where they think they're the girl who got the guy to change, and she's so special and so amazing and unlike any other girl he's dated before. And of course he wouldn't do anything bad to her, because he's reformed and she's just so much greater than these other girls he screwed over.

 

Tons of people live in "he wouldn't do that to ME" land.

 

I'm not really saying he wouldn't do anything to me.

Because of how ****ty I've been treated in the past, I'm pretty insecure. Like if a girl flirted with him or started stuff on Facebook, I'd ignore it and just worry constantly. /.\ Instead of fight about it. Yes, that's immature for one. But I'm not totally sure he wouldn't cheat on me or do something horrible to me. That's why I worry about his past. I'm not secure in thinking that he wouldn't hurt me, that he cares about me and he'll be there for me.

 

God, I'm so confused. Idk if I just want to be with someone and this is all I get or what.

[Chica411]

Yeah being compared sucks. I've been there done that, and still trying to shake that "other girls exist" feeling. (I'm 27, first happened when I was 25) I wish I didn't stick it out and left sooner! (Happened few times)

[dreamingoftigers]

He didn't get the girl he was with pregnant. The "psycho" was the one he cheated with. Probably made the story a lot worse.

 

 

 

Didn't get his girlfriend pregnant, he got the girl he cheated with pregnant!

Yeah, I don't know.

I brought it up again and he said, "you asked me, and I was honest with you." I said, "You just don't say that to someone you care about."

 

 

 

Not sure what to do though.

 

 

 

He's made a comment like, "You may be older than me but not mentally." I was so appalled, I couldn't say anything. He said this as I was giving him a ride somewhere. Mother****er.

 

 

 

I plan on having a talk with him. Not sure how it will go.

 

 

 

Someone on here made me think that all this stuff he's told me might be a lie... never thought about that. :/

 

 

 

Yeah he kinda started that with, "you don't make much noise or facial expressions." Well I've never had an orgasm during sex, only from myself. -_- Of course I'm not screaming my head off.

 

 

 

I'm not really saying he wouldn't do anything to me.

Because of how ****ty I've been treated in the past, I'm pretty insecure. Like if a girl flirted with him or started stuff on Facebook, I'd ignore it and just worry constantly. /.\ Instead of fight about it. Yes, that's immature for one. But I'm not totally sure he wouldn't cheat on me or do something horrible to me. That's why I worry about his past. I'm not secure in thinking that he wouldn't hurt me, that he cares about me and he'll be there for me.

 

God, I'm so confused. Idk if I just want to be with someone and this is all I get or what.

 

What's confusing here?

 

He had been outright insulting, tries to put things into your butt when you ain't interested. Like really, this guy should treat you better than a stranger you meet at the bus shelter.

 

Can you imagine someone at the bus shelter trying to put a finger in your butt when your back is turned?

 

18 and already got a girl pregnant that he cheated with. "Psycho exes."

 

What exactly is the mystery and confusion here?

Are you trying to discover new realms of sadomasichism?

 

Why in the world would you even want to meet this guy twice, much less sleep with him, much less GET OVER his past?

 

What is going on with you and douchey guys?

WHY!?

[ExpatInItaly]

He didn't get the girl he was with pregnant. The "psycho" was the one he cheated with. Probably made the story a lot worse.

 

 

 

Didn't get his girlfriend pregnant, he got the girl he cheated with pregnant!

Yeah, I don't know.

I brought it up again and he said, "you asked me, and I was honest with you." I said, "You just don't say that to someone you care about."

 

 

 

Not sure what to do though.

 

 

 

He's made a comment like, "You may be older than me but not mentally." I was so appalled, I couldn't say anything. He said this as I was giving him a ride somewhere. Mother****er.

 

 

 

I plan on having a talk with him. Not sure how it will go.

 

 

 

Someone on here made me think that all this stuff he's told me might be a lie... never thought about that. :/

 

 

 

Yeah he kinda started that with, "you don't make much noise or facial expressions." Well I've never had an orgasm during sex, only from myself. -_- Of course I'm not screaming my head off.

 

 

 

I'm not really saying he wouldn't do anything to me.

Because of how ****ty I've been treated in the past, I'm pretty insecure. Like if a girl flirted with him or started stuff on Facebook, I'd ignore it and just worry constantly. /.\ Instead of fight about it. Yes, that's immature for one. But I'm not totally sure he wouldn't cheat on me or do something horrible to me. That's why I worry about his past. I'm not secure in thinking that he wouldn't hurt me, that he cares about me and he'll be there for me.

 

God, I'm so confused. Idk if I just want to be with someone and this is all I get or what.

 

So, to add to the list of other charming qualities, this fellow is also emotionally abusive and arrogant as hell. He wants to put you down to make himself feel better - the hallmark of a bully. OP, there's no need to try to come to terms with his past. He is STILL a jerk and you know it. Don't enable this poor treatment. Get out while you still have you dignity and sanity intact, because I can promise you a dim future if you stay. He's a creep.

[MasonJarTeaDrinker]

This guy is a little kid, you need to get out now he needs like another 7 years to actuallt mature, there's no point in you falling even more for him and then him hurting you even more.

 

Run and run now, (coming from a 26 year old man that used to be a douche and might still be at times).

[SpiralOut]

 

 

The girl who had his baby is out of state and not in contact with him for some reason... he can't really take responsibility if she's keeping it from him, can he?

 

 

Umm yeah have fun explaining that to his kid when she grows up and wonders why her father wasn't around. He has legal rights and if he cares, he will fight for those rights, especially if the mother is as crazy as he says she is. In that case I'm wondering if she is even fit to be a parent. It becomes that much more important for him to do something. You're just making up excuses for him.

 

 

Why is he not trustworthy? He hasn't done anything to me that I know of...

His trustworthiness isn't just about the way he treats you. The way he treats others matters too. It shows you who he is.