How should I handle this situation?

[AlwaysGrowing]

The love of her life?..because that is all that she knows. So, it can be true...from her experience...but...she can still know..that there is a different kind of love out there.

 

If everyone was truly honest. They would see..this is a good friendship relationship...always was. And one can love someone for that. Because a good friend is a treasure. This is not a marriage.

[Sub]

I don't disagree. That doesn't, however, warrant such a dramatic metaphor. This was not abuse.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Was it abusive...for me...no.

 

The OP failed to recognize the severity of the issue (lack of sexual intimacy). Most adults would immediately recognize and remedy the situation.

 

I can also empathize with the OP, often times...we stick our heads in the sand..and soldier on..not pointing out what we KNOW is an issue..and issue that is OURS...because ....quite frankly ...it is easier..and less painful.

[Sub]

I think we would need more info from the OP to determine the extent of the failure, though. He said he's tried various avenues to try to rectify the situation, and admitted that his wife has been supportive throughout. So he seems to understand the severity of it, and appreciate the amount of sacrifice on his wife's part.

[Artie Lang]

oldshirt, i agree that there are more layers here. that's why i asked the OP if his wife knew of his problem before getting married. if she knowingly went through with the marriage being fully aware of this- why cheat on him? she could've came to him and said- "I've given it more than enough time..... I think it's time for me to move on."

 

physical intimacy is definitely an integral part in a marriage, but if she knew this is what she was facing(possible sexless marriage), she could've ended it in a more dignified manner. she owes him at least that.

 

granted..... what's done is done.

 

 

it's not about morality. you just don't do this to people..... especially those you profess to care for and love.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I think we would need more info from the OP to determine the extent of the failure, though. He said he's tried various avenues to try to rectify the situation, and admitted that his wife has been supportive throughout. So he seems to understand the severity of it, and appreciate the amount of sacrifice on his wife's part.

 

You are correct.

 

I guess...it would have been more accurate for me to say...

 

The ramifications of the issue not being resolved. Not the severity.

[wanting more]

It's definitely a mental thing with my wife. I love her so much, but sex seems wrong with the person you love. I am sure I can overcome this problem with the right help. I really want my marriage to work and to give my wife children.

Yes, we had great sex at the start of the relationship but it fell by the way when I fell in love with her.

 

 

So you had great sex before marriage?? I don't understand the "sex seems wrong with people you love".

 

Did yoh have a very active sex life before your wife??

[oldshirt]

 

 

she could've came to him and said- "I've given it more than enough time..... I think it's time for me to move on."

 

.

 

I'd bet the farm if you talked to her, she would tell you she did that countless times.

 

 

He either didn't hear it, didn't believe it, didn't take it seriously or kept telling her he would get fixed but never did.

 

 

I'm not giving blanket approval of cheating. Just admitting that there are times it is the result of natural processes. Being completely unable to have sex due to some mental block and not getting it remedied after 7 years and expecting your spouse to not seek comfort elsewhere is unrealistic even if it is immoral/unethical.

 

 

Yes people should give fair warning (I bet she has) and they should leave cleaning and divorce before finding someone else ........unfortunately that rarely happens. Usually it's once someone else starts showing a serious interest and starts appearing like a viable alternative is when most people start heading for the door.

 

 

It may not be right but it's just the way it is.

 

 

And I can't say it's any better or any worse than just dumping your partner WITHOUT having a back up plan. Would you really feel any better if your spouse left you without having someone else??????

 

 

Afterall if they dump you for someone else, you may not like that but you understand it. If they dump you without someone else, that just means they want away from you even if it means sitting at their new home watching 'Survivor" or 'American Idol.' Is that really any consolation????

 

 

If people expect their partners to dump them cleaning before finding someone else, they are going to be disappointed almost each and every time.

[Alistair]

"Abusive" is certainly a very strong word to describe my relationship with my wife. We love eachother so much, of that there is no doubt. We do everything together, and I mean everything. We love eachothers company, always laugh at eachothers dark & dry sense of humour and hardly ever argue. She never, ever harassed me about my problem. She would perhaps bring it up a couple of times a year, but was understanding to the extreme.

 

She did know about my problem before we married as we stopped having sex six months prior to our wedding day. I feel absolutely awful about the fact she has had no sex or babies. I feel so guilty and to be honest, although the discovery of the affair was the most horrific and shocking experience of my life ( believe me, it's been one bitch of a life ), I am not at all surprised she eventually went elsewhere for sex and intimacy.

 

I guess I got into a comfort bubble and although I did address the problem by seeing professionals, I was ultimately ignoring it. I want my marriage to work so desperately. I want to work properly. I want to make love to my wife and give her children. I am determined to do it.............But it might be too late.

[beach]

"Abusive" is certainly a very strong word to describe my relationship with my wife. We love eachother so much, of that there is no doubt. We do everything together, and I mean everything. We love eachothers company, always laugh at eachothers dark & dry sense of humour and hardly ever argue. She never, ever harassed me about my problem. She would perhaps bring it up a couple of times a year, but was understanding to the extreme.

 

She did know about my problem before we married as we stopped having sex six months prior to our wedding day. I feel absolutely awful about the fact she has had no sex or babies. I feel so guilty and to be honest, although the discovery of the affair was the most horrific and shocking experience of my life ( believe me, it's been one bitch of a life ), I am not at all surprised she eventually went elsewhere for sex and intimacy.

 

I guess I got into a comfort bubble and although I did address the problem by seeing professionals, I was ultimately ignoring it. I want my marriage to work so desperately. I want to work properly. I want to make love to my wife and give her children. I am determined to do it.............But it might be too late.

 

What did you determine to be the reason for your mental block? Does this mean you're even unwilling to satisfy her at all, in any way?

 

What was suggested you change to overcome your fear?

 

Were you abandoned as a child?

[bwright42tx]

"Abusive" is certainly a very strong word to describe my relationship with my wife. We love eachother so much, of that there is no doubt. We do everything together, and I mean everything. We love eachothers company, always laugh at eachothers dark & dry sense of humour and hardly ever argue. She never, ever harassed me about my problem. She would perhaps bring it up a couple of times a year, but was understanding to the extreme.

 

She did know about my problem before we married as we stopped having sex six months prior to our wedding day. I feel absolutely awful about the fact she has had no sex or babies. I feel so guilty and to be honest, although the discovery of the affair was the most horrific and shocking experience of my life ( believe me, it's been one bitch of a life ), I am not at all surprised she eventually went elsewhere for sex and intimacy.

 

I guess I got into a comfort bubble and although I did address the problem by seeing professionals, I was ultimately ignoring it. I want my marriage to work so desperately. I want to work properly. I want to make love to my wife and give her children. I am determined to do it.............But it might be too late.

 

There are other parts/components to sex besides penetration. Did you perform oral sex on her? Finger her? Help her achieve orgasms despite the fact that it couldn't progress to actual intercourse?

 

I hope it works out for you. But if I was unable to perform for whatever reason, I would try and find other ways to make sure my partner was satisfied.

[Alistair]

No, no sexual contact whatsoever.

[bwright42tx]

No, no sexual contact whatsoever.

 

Was this part of your problem? You couldn't handle any type of sexual contact with her?

[Fluttershy]

If this is real...

 

Many couples stop having sex before the wedding night to make it more special. Did you actually tell her you no longer sexually desired her or did the sex just stop? She might have assumed it was for that reason. Or did you promise her you would start having sex again?

 

BTW, how do you sexually release and have you tried stopping that?

Can you get it up for her or does your mind stop you?

 

If it is the last why haven't you just popped a little blue pill and put your own screwed up thinking aside and at least tried letting her get some pleasure. Why haven't you made yourself go down on her or play with her?

 

If you aren't willin to actually change then let her go so she can find a man who will love and make love to her. Who will make her feel attactive and desired. Who will give her a baby so they can raise a family together.

 

I don't condone cheatin but in this case I can understand it. Even if she knows the problem is with you it has left her vunerable to that wonderful feeling o being desired. At the same time she loves you an being with you. And so she thought if she fulfilled her sexual needs elsewhere while being there for you, you both could be happy. She was very wrong to choose that path and of course it turned out to be a horrible descision. But I can see the understandable thought process.

[Alistair]

It's not that I can't handle it..... It's really difficult to explain. The shrinks seem to think that it's linked to my childhood. Father died when I was very young and I was raised by an overbearing, alcoholic mother who would love me one day & hate me & beat me the next. It's amazing really, because I'm actually a very confident person who likes to laugh & loves people.

[bwright42tx]

It's not that I can't handle it..... It's really difficult to explain. The shrinks seem to think that it's linked to my childhood. Father died when I was very young and I was raised by an overbearing, alcoholic mother who would love me one day & hate me & beat me the next. It's amazing really, because I'm actually a very confident person who likes to laugh & loves people.

 

I get that. My question was/is can you/will you take care of your wife's sexual needs without it leading to/involving intercourse? If the psychological is preventing you from even going there, then that's one thing, but if you can allow yourself to go there, something like that may have helped prevent her getting release from another man. It still doesn't excuse her behavior, but if you are committed/willing to work on the R then perhaps this would be something you could do for your wife while you work through your other issues.

[Alistair]

Here is an update.

 

My wife has been staying with her parents for the past 3 weeks. We both needed space and time to think about what we both wanted and how to move forward. She came over to see me last Sunday. She was very, very emotional, looked really rough and anorexic. She told me that the affair has ended and that she wanted to concentrate on trying to save our marriage as I am the love of her life and if we didn't try she would regret it for the rest of her life, but warned me that she still has feelings for the MM, although she was most definitely not in love with him. I agreed as I too wanted to save our marriage. We talked about how to get over the sex issue and we decided to slowly get into being intimate and that our love for eachother is probably the only thing that can help me overcome my problem. I know for a fact that I was ready to try things out straight away. She went back to her parents that evening and we were both feeling a lot happier and hopefull.

 

Bearing in mind that this was the 3rd time she has changed her mind, I really thought that we could sort this out. I honestly thought that she would surely not mess me around a 3rd time. Christmas Eve, we were supposed to go into town and buy presents for our friends and then go and see them in the evening for drinks and fun. I went to work in the morning, finished at 11am and went home to get ready for her arrival. She phoned me at 12pm....She said she was really sorry but she couldn't fight it anymore, she has fallen in love with the MM. I hung up. She tried calling straight away but I didn't pick up. I was now really angry that she had been stringing me along yet again.

 

Christmas day I went to see my Mum. Told her everything and she was heartbroken. Later on in the day I received a text from her Mum telling me they were thinking about me and they hoped I was ok. then her brother text me with the same sentiments. I stayed at home all day with the cat. We had a reasonable day considering. Just before I went to bed, at around 11pm, I checked my emails and saw that she had sent me one earlier in the evening. This is what it said;

 

"Worst Christmas ever.

 

Had N****, S*** & V*** here this morning, all asking where you are. Trying to be cheerful and pretend everything's fine when all I want to do is crumble in a heap on the floor and cry till I can't breath.

 

I don't know if you've been to see your mum, I haven't text her as not sure what's happening there.

 

I haven't text you either as I think you'd rather I was dead, which to be honest is quite a nice idea.

 

I miss you and D***, and I am sorry that I've hurt you so much. But I know this would not be happening if we'd had a "normal" marriage. It's just been ignored for too long and caused too much damage. I'm not blaming all of this on you, but I refuse to be solely to blame. And I don't want this to be happening. This is the most painful thing in the world. You're the love of my life and we were supposed grow old and have a family.

 

I'm so completely devastated and my whole world has just shattered. This isn't how today should have been.

 

I hope you are ok. xox"

 

What is eating me is the way she has gone about leaving me. I understand that we didn't have a "normal" marriage and that my problem has caused too much damage but shouldn't she have just simply left me or warned me that she would be leaving instead of having an affair for 3 months. All the lies, betrayal and anguish caused has been so painful. She even carried on lying to me post D-day. I know who this guy is now. He has been married 15 years, they have two young children and my wife is friends with both of them. I can't believe that my baby has behaved like this. I cannot comprehend it.

 

Should I reply to the email or just let it be? Should I try to make her understand that the way she is behaving is not acceptable on so many levels?

 

She's got a whole world of crap coming her way with the MM and his family situation. She is going to regret it.

Edited December 26, 2013 by Alistair

[tiredofitall2]

What is eating me is the way she has gone about leaving me. I understand that we didn't have a "normal" marriage and that my problem has caused too much damage but shouldn't she have just simply left me or warned me that she would be leaving instead of having an affair for 3 months. All the lies, betrayal and anguish caused has been so painful. She even carried on lying to me post D-day. I know who this guy is now. He has been married 15 years, they have two young children and my wife is friends with both of them. I can't believe that my baby has behaved like this. I cannot comprehend it.

 

Should I reply to the email or just let it be? Should I try to make her understand that the way she is behaving is not acceptable on so many levels?

 

I agree with you, she shouldn't have had an A, but those are not typically planed. It's a snow ball effect that with your actions in this case you helped enable.

 

The way she is behaving is due to "being in love" it's a normal reaction to all the chemicals being produced in her brain right now. When the thrill fades she will be back to her senses, but not necessarily back to you. She certainly could return to you if you make the right changes in your life. One would be taking care of you. "moving on" and being a sexual man. If she see's you and she finds out your a f**ing the leaving daylights out of another woman I would bet she would come crawling, but I'm not saying this is the way to go about it. I'm just saying this to help you realize what the problem is here.

 

 

• She has the attention of a man that wants her physically (you don't)
  
• She is "in love" those are the feelings she spoke about. Not real love that is what she has for you.
  
• She does not see you as an alpha male.
  
• You are pursuing her.
  

No, don't email her back. Demonstrate the changes by going to IC and getting over the issues.

 

 

Go out and start getting a life and if in a a few months you don't see her wanting to R, just file for D and move on.

 

 

Date again, but only when you know you will be able to perform. Otherwise stay alone, don't drag another woman along.

 

 

Chances are she may want to R after you do all this, that will be your opportunity to f**ck her like has never been before. You will forever have her then. Sorry for being so graphic, but it is the only way I can paint the picture as this is one that really pushes my buttons.

[harrybrown]

If you do not want her in all ways, the best for you is to file for divorce.

 

Then you need to do the 180 for yourself. Have you been to MC?

 

Did she use protection? If not, have her tested, and expose the affair to the OM's wife.

[Oldspiceywolf]

I urge you to move on. You had SEVEN years to get something going, either there is no fixing you or you aren't trying hard enough both are prerequisites for her needing to move.

She's not stringing you along, she's confused because she loves you but often times sex and love get really intertwined and since she's having sex with the other guy and not you(not you for like forever. Youre like her brother or gay bestie) she has to put her feelings for her sexual relationship first even if it's doomed from the jump.

 

I'm not sure if you mentioned it but what about Viagra/Cialis etc have you tried medication at all?

 

Sorry you've had such a rough go at life sorry this is what it's come down to but you need to focus on yourself, maybe once youve worked out your issues and she's been put through the ringer by married man you might get a chance you can give it another shot but your issue is a marriage killer for anyone who is sexually healthy and/or wants kids.

[tiredofitall2]

Take her on a date, tell her it is a farewell date. Drink, relax and enjoy. Take her home and make love to her like she's never had.

Is it a possibility?

[Chi townD]

You need to out their affair to the OMW. She has every right to know what kind of man she married. She has the right to know what's going on in her own marriage and also has the right to make an informed decision on which direction she wants her marriage to go. I would do it now since the holidays are pretty much over.

 

Do not tell anyone that you are going to make contact with the OMW, just do it. If they get any kind of warning beforehand, then you're just giving them the opportunity to come up with a viable and believable to the OMW that you are insane because your wife just left you and you're just looking to blame anyone for the demise of your marriage and to just ignore any phones or emails from him....blah....blah....

 

So, you need to catch them with their pants down (figuratively). Don't give them an opportunity to lie and continue with their affair.

 

When you do this, expect her to blow up your phone! And send you the most hateful and painful texts you've ever read. Ignore it all. Dollars to donuts, theis guy is going to throw your wife under the bus to save his own skin, then she'll see what kind of man he is and how much he really loves her. Point is, she'll lose him and you. She'll have nothing. KArma is a bitch!

[Chi townD]

And another thing. This was her quote from the email.

 

 

"I miss you and D***, and I am sorry that I've hurt you so much. But I know this would not be happening if we'd had a "normal" marriage. It's just been ignored for too long and caused too much damage. I'm not blaming all of this on you, but I refuse to be solely to blame. And I don't want this to be happening. This is the most painful thing in the world. You're the love of my life and we were supposed grow old and have a family."

 

The bold states that She refuses to take all of the blame. And normally, I would agree with her. I usually state that you can own up to 50% percent of the problems in the relationship and she can own up to the other 50%. But, her cheating on you was 100% on her.

 

And do you know what? SHE IS TO BLAME!!!!! Look, you realized that you had a problem and YOU took steps to try and fix them by seeing a counselor, Psychologists, Hypnotherapy...all of it!

 

It would be one thing if you realized that there was a problem and you took absolutely NO STEPS to fix them. Then, yes. I would agree with her. But, you DID seek out ways to fix your problems because, at least you, valued the marriage! When she saw you working your issues, did she stand by her man; her husband and support him in a treatment that may help improve your marriage 10 fold? Nope! She screwed some other dude.

 

You are not at fault for that, and you definitely aren't to be blamed for that. That was HER choice, not yours.

 

This wasn't your fault, so DO NOT take the blame for it!

[peruano99]

Expose the wife of the MM, divorce your wife, seek help so you can have sex, and move on.