Can People Change?

[Quiet Storm]

People can change, but IMO it requires three things

 

1) Introspection

2) Self awareness

3) Self management

 

 

Introspection:

 

A person has to be able to figure out why they do what they do. Often times it goes very deep, as it's commonly related to family of origin issues. For example, let says a woman keeps choosing "player types". The push-pull dynamic makes her cling even tighter, instead of turning her off. She has to be able to figure out why she is so attracted to this behavior (even though she says she hates it, and even though it hurts her feelings). For example, lets say her father was emotionally unavailable or alcoholic. He would ignore her most of the time, but give her attention once in awhile. As a child, she craved his attention and felt so content & validated when she was finally acknowledged by him. That feeling- when he finally does pay attention- is addictive because of intermittent reinforcement. So she must realize why she is attracted to these types- validation. When affection is withheld (as it was with her dad), she feels so much more special when it is finally given.

 

Self awareness:

 

In order to change, a person must be aware of the dynamics that "make them tick". So using the above example, instead of focusing on trying to get a player to pay attention to her, or happily accepting crumbs of attention, she must be aware of the dynamic creating this attraction. She has to be able to notice it when it's happening. She can't allow herself to be clouded by the attraction, and those deep cravings for acceptance, validation & love. Her logical brain must be able to see through her emotions. She has to be able to tell herself "This attraction is not about me+him=unbelievable connection. It's about me & my issues." Although it may not feel familiar or comfortable when an honest, consistent man pays attention to her- it's because of her issues that she feels this way. She must be consciously aware in order to overcome it.

 

Self management:

 

Once a person is aware of the unhealthy patterns, they have to learn how to change them. They must be fully aware of their weaknesses, and keep themselves out of situations that make them vulnerable. They have to protect themselves, from themselves. In my example, the woman would have to actively keep herself away from any player types. No matter how much she feels compelled to respond to them, she must be able to reign herself in. She needs to accept that these types of men will inspire a strong attraction/bond/connection BUT that it's not a healthy one. She needs to have good coping skills in place to help her refocus her energy & thoughts. She needs to avoid rationalization & justification- maybe he's different, our connection means we're soul mates, he doesn't mean to ignore me- he's just scared of his feelings for me, etc. She needs to educate herself & make a plan- How can I recognize manipulative behavior? How can I be strong in the presense of flirty player? What will I say? What will I do? How can I feel attraction for a different type of man?

 

So although a person can change, it takes a lot of work. It's very rare that someone will just hit "rock bottom" and say "Well, I'm never going to do that again!" & be able to follow through with it. It's much deeper.

 

Those thought processes, cravings, patterns, instincts, unhealthy coping skills & defense mechanisms are deeping ingrained. Most of us aren't consciously aware of our own issues. So, it takes more than just making a decision & having willpower. It's more than just learning from mistakes. They have to address the underlying issues that compelled them to make those choices. Otherwise, it will be a constant struggle & the unhealthy patterns are likely to pop up again, especially in times of stress.

 

When people develop a problem with alcohol or drugs, it's often because they never learned how to cope with life. They try to escape negative feelings, instead of dealing with them. Our parents teach us how to cope with problems & stress by example. If as a child, our parents had a loud screaming match, and dad slammed the door, escaped to the bar & came home hours later drunk, and mom spent the night crying & emotional eating.... that is our example for coping with problems. If as a child, our parents had a disagreement & calmly decided to think on it & discuss later- and dad let off steam by working out at the gym, and mom called her friends & went to a movie... that is our example. We aren't born knowing how to handle stress, we are taught. And it takes a lot of work to undo unhealthy patterns & dynamics that were absorbed as children.

 

My post mostly pertains to people with unhealthy or self destructive behaviors. People without these issues can naturally mature & grow, but their character stays constant.

Edited December 13, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[GravityMan]

I think everyone constantly grows and evolves psychologically from the day they're born until the day they die. It's usually a gradual thing over a period of time, rarely sudden. This often happens involuntarily and possibly subconsciously, and is usually influenced by external factors (life experiences).

 

Examples of things which may noticeably influence the mental makeup of a person:

- your first relationship with a woman or man, especially if it's a LTR

- living on your own (i.e. away from your parents) for the first time. Can substitute "living with GF/BF" or "living with a roommate" here. Having to pay your own bills, etc.

- going on a trip to somewhere very different culturally than what you're accustomed to - usually outside of your country

- tragedies that hit close to home

- having your first child

 

What most if not all of the above things have in common is that they are significantly new things that you've never experienced before. Which may present new challenges and new conflicts. Therefore they tend to give the person some fresh perspectives and insights on life, and cause them to think differently about some things and alter a few of their beliefs. With some things in life...there's no adequate substitute to hands-on experience.

 

On the other hand, there's this thing called a person's "core character"...pretty much the essence of who they are at a base level. I believe that starts to become quite firm early in life...i.e. during childhood or adolescence...and becomes increasingly set in stone throughout one's 20s and maybe 30s until he/she just about becomes set in his or her ways. And this aspect of people rarely changes...change as in "mutate into something totally different". The person will have to "unlearn" years of "programming" and that gets increasingly harder as he ages...requires a lot of effort, a burning profound desire to WANT to change, and sometimes a major trigger of some sort on top of that to get the ball rolling.

[AlwaysGrowing]

People can change. When they are aware enough to realize that what worked in the past, does not work any longer.

 

One has to be conscious of their life to achieve change though. Or rather positive change. We actually have to make choices each and every day, so they become part of our new pattern.

 

Negative changes are usually insidious and hard to detect. We can become bitter, close off our hearts and minds due to life events that hurt us. Choosing to not let those events shape us...is again hard, conscious work..until we have moved through it.

[AnyaNova]

To me, this is a rhetorical question; I know the answer. However, I am interested in what others have to say on this subject.

 

Will most people change? I don't know ...... probably not without a traumatic event or hitting rock bottom.

 

People seem to have such a hard time accepting people's baggage and past mistakes as evidenced by the "Does My Past Matter" debates we see on LS daily. Then there are the "A Cheater Is Always A Cheater" arguments that are exorcised from time to time.

 

Even when the scenario was not necessarily a mistake (like having had more sexual partners in the past) it's usually a catalyst for retroactive jealousy. A situation like that is simply an incompatibility issue if the partners were honest when asked. The list of mistakes, baggage, and past regrets can go on forever depending on the person in question.

 

One of my favorite movies is "The Shawshank Redemption". I love Morgan Freeman's character "Red" because of the profound changes he makes during the course of the film. He entered prison at 18 because he murdered someone. He is 60 years old when he's released all those years later. He's clearly changed and it's evident to anyone of average intelligence/insight that he is not the same person he was when he committed that terrible crime. He is, in fact, a good man by the stories ending.

 

Of course the movie, and some of the corresponding messages, are dramatic and extreme. However, the concept of people changing has always fascinated me. I believe that one purpose of my life is to learn from mistakes and continue to grow. A big part of that is being honest with ourselves and other people.

 

So yes, (IMO) people can change.

 

What are YOUR thoughts on the matter?

 

I definitely think they can. I think the question often is will they?

 

However, my circumstances are kind of unique in some ways. Yes. I can change massively. You want to meet two very different people in the same body (me?) either deprive me of enough important electrolytes and nutrients or make sure I have plenty.

 

Whether you meet an emotionally unstable dishrag with no energy, fire, passion or life who is a weeping mess on the floor

 

or

 

an active, emotionally stable, and hyper-productive person will depend on that one variable.

 

So definitely, if there are physical issues not allowing the person to be themselves, or something impairing impulse control (in the context you gave of cheating) taken care of. Yes. They can change, and probably more easily than suspected given the right treatment.

 

Now.

 

With personality changes, that is going to be heavily dependent on how much they want to change and the motivation they have for changing it. One really cool dude who is no longer posting here anymore (more's the pity) had massive attachment issues that he was clawing for dear life to change because they had cost him his love. High motivation, and high desire to change coupled with actual behavior (such as going to therapy) and change is likely to occur.

 

With the specific issue of cheating, however? Though probably there are a few people who cheat who don't have the gene, many who cheat actually have some sort of genetic combination (I remember reading this somewhere, but I can't remember where) that makes it more likely that they will cheat and that this will be a continuing pattern. And no, I'm sorry, genes are not an excuse. Many people are born with the brains of psychopaths, but live productive and fulfilling lives that do not end up including things psychopaths are often thought to do.

 

So given some circumstances, change becomes less likely.

 

I think the biggest variables for change (barring extreme physical issues causing hindrance) are the internal strength of the person, their motivation for change, and what they stand to lose if they do not.