Dating after 40's, 50's: LET'S SHARE WITH EACH OTHER HERE.

[TaraMaiden]

Lee Iacocca (Former CEO of Chrysler)

 

"I can't bear having 'yes, but's' or 'what if's' around me.

I much prefer the 'hell, why not?!'s "

 

An opportunity missed/avoided, is a further nail in the coffin of your spiritual liberty.

[Khyla]

OK, so now I'm plunging in with both feet... Notice I didn't say headfirst. It might be more dangerous but "hell, why not?!"

[salparadise]

Whew! We exchanged texts the next day. She's in. I haven't felt this way in years.

 

Well, whenever something seems too good to be true... it probably is. All of that enthusiasm for the woman in my previous post (#69) got squished last night. I got a notification on my phone last night from okc that I had a new message. I went to the app and guess who it was from... she had just put up a brand new profile (previously not doing OLD at all) and there was a real warm, enthusiastic message saying what a great match she thought we'd be, and since we're from the same town she hoped I'd be interested in exploring. I thought it seemed a little odd given that earlier in the week we had confirmed our interest in doing exactly that... so why would she put up a new profile, and why send ME such a message?

 

So with little hesitation I called her. My first sentence was, hey whatcha doing? She recited a list of about five things, none of which included, looking at your profile, ro trolling for men on okc. She seemed nervous. So we chit chat a few minutes... then I said, I got your message, and she said, what message? My heart sank. She didn't realize it was me (pic is from a distance). I replied, the one you sent me five minutes ago... silence... on okc. Then she tried to save it by saying, I thought that might have been you but I wasn't sure (yea, right).

 

So I asked her, why would you put up a new profile now... do you not feel I made my intentions clear? She said, I haven't dated in a long time, but I had a great time with you the other night and I realized that I am ready, so it was actually you that prompted me to do it (blame shift- red flag!). I changed the subject and we talked awhile longer. She tried to reassure me that it was no big deal and that she is interested. When we got off the phone I quickly went through the questions she had answered (she was not online) and then took my profile down. Of course I learned a lot of very personal stuff about her (sexuality stuff) by going through those questions. She had said that she had not looked at mine.

 

So basically what this means to me is, while I am (or was) interested in her specifically, she wants to put herself out there and see if she can find a better deal. Of course, I realize that after only 2 dates I have no claim on her or anything, but this is the point where most women would be taking the profile down to give it a chance- not putting a new one up.

 

We're supposed to have dinner tomorrow night. I'm not sure if I want to go through with it though. I'm not inclined to get further invested if she's intent on playing the field. She either can't see my perspective or doesn't care. I think she's into the idea of being pursued. I'm ok with that if it's just her and me, but not interested in being one of many. What do you ladies think... stay with it for a bit or cut my losses?

[salparadise]

Update: spent some time with her last night and we had a few drinks and a long talk. It's a lost cause. She's cute and puts forth a good image, but she has a lot of issues. I feel for her but I'm officially out of the rescue business. I wouldn't say she warrants a label but her patterns are recognizable. She needs a lot of external validation, and this will certainly manifest as relationship drama. The fact that these things have arisen after only three dates tells me that I'm seeing the tip of an iceberg. She sure knows how to pull a guy's strings, so I'm sure she'll have no trouble finding someone willing to make the big sacrifice. Can't be me though. It is interesting how I once again was attracted to someone with these traits initially.

[Emilia]

Update: spent some time with her last night and we had a few drinks and a long talk. It's a lost cause. She's cute and puts forth a good image, but she has a lot of issues. I feel for her but I'm officially out of the rescue business. I wouldn't say she warrants a label but her patterns are recognizable. She needs a lot of external validation, and this will certainly manifest as relationship drama. The fact that these things have arisen after only three dates tells me that I'm seeing the tip of an iceberg. She sure knows how to pull a guy's strings, so I'm sure she'll have no trouble finding someone willing to make the big sacrifice. Can't be me though. It is interesting how I once again was attracted to someone with these traits initially.

This is what frightens me. I have so little control over the initial attraction - though it has been getting better. It takes time to get there though and it's not consistent.

 

I'm sorry you've experienced this.

[salparadise]

This is what frightens me. I have so little control over the initial attraction - though it has been getting better. It takes time to get there though and it's not consistent.

 

I'm sorry you've experienced this.

 

Thanks Emilia. Yes I know the feeling all too well. And I want the strong attraction dammit! I have so little ability to choose whom I feel attracted to on that instinctual level. Most of it seems to be generated first through nonverbal interaction. There just has to be a few emotionally healthy women on this planet that trigger me this way (and visa versa). I still find her just as attractive instinctually. At least I know my cognitive filter is attuned so that I am not clueless or powerless to the sexy-neediness thing the way I used to be. It does, however, feel good to have been triggered as confirmation that the potential still exists.

[Under The Radar]

Update: spent some time with her last night and we had a few drinks and a long talk. It's a lost cause. She's cute and puts forth a good image, but she has a lot of issues. I feel for her but I'm officially out of the rescue business. I wouldn't say she warrants a label but her patterns are recognizable. She needs a lot of external validation, and this will certainly manifest as relationship drama. The fact that these things have arisen after only three dates tells me that I'm seeing the tip of an iceberg. She sure knows how to pull a guy's strings, so I'm sure she'll have no trouble finding someone willing to make the big sacrifice. Can't be me though. It is interesting how I once again was attracted to someone with these traits initially.

 

 

 

I, too, am sorry that this did not work out ...... I was really rooting for you.

 

 

However, I am glad you have enough experience to have observed some potential red flags.

 

 

Like you stated, understanding problematic patterns will go a long way to avoiding potential heartache in the future.

 

 

On the bright side, it's good you were not too emotionally invested ...... saving you time and hurt feelings in the process.

[salparadise]

I, too, am sorry that this did not work out ...... I was really rooting for you.

However, I am glad you have enough experience to have observed some potential red flags.

Like you stated, understanding problematic patterns will go a long way to avoiding potential heartache in the future.

On the bright side, it's good you were not too emotionally invested ...... saving you time and hurt feelings in the process.

 

Thanks UTR. I really don't need any more roller coaster rides at this point. Years ago I would've gone for it hook, line and sinker. Even now the attraction tempts me to ignore what I can clearly see... and I feel for her in a compassionate way as well. I cooked her a nice dinner at my place last night (planned several days ago). We had a nice time but no change in my opinion.

 

I did figure out the etiology of her, shall we say, predispositions. Father was an alcoholic (now in recovery) who openly carried on during his 3 marriages. She's had a tenuous relationship with her mother all along. They are now estranged (recently, a couple of years). She got bounced around a lot as a child apparently. I don't think she has much ability to be other-focused because these injuries have not been resolved. She is moderately aware and has worked on it, but this stuff is deeply seated.

 

She has fixed ideas about what men want from her. She doesn't know what to make of me because I don't dovetail in the way she is used to. On one level she believes she's most valuable for her sex appeal. I told her that while I definitely find her attractive, I'm much more interested in the contents than the packaging, plus I have not made a move beyond kissing. That intimidates and confuses her; she has her shield up. I guess I'm going to have the talk with her today. Not sure exactly what to say, but I'll keep it light. It will serve no purpose to say everything I think.

 

It helps to write all of this out. Thank you all for being good listeners.

[mario_C]

Hey, it's kind of dead in here. Some interesting stories have been shared, so thanks for that.

 

I'm 45 and I'm feeling like my dating chances are very much nil. Middle aged men are across the board last on the attractiveness and desirability totem poles, less than last. Was it always this way?

Do any men here have any luck or hope? What do you feel the secret recipe is? Thanks, hope it's OK to ask this question here.

[irc333]

Of course I learned a lot of very personal stuff about her (sexuality stuff) by going through those questions. She had said that she had not looked at mine.

 

I never put much stock in those silly question on OK Cupid. It's just fluff to get traffic to their website. I refuse to answer anything sexual. It's no one's business.

[Emilia]

Thanks UTR. I really don't need any more roller coaster rides at this point. Years ago I would've gone for it hook, line and sinker. Even now the attraction tempts me to ignore what I can clearly see... and I feel for her in a compassionate way as well. I cooked her a nice dinner at my place last night (planned several days ago). We had a nice time but no change in my opinion.

 

I did figure out the etiology of her, shall we say, predispositions. Father was an alcoholic (now in recovery) who openly carried on during his 3 marriages. She's had a tenuous relationship with her mother all along. They are now estranged (recently, a couple of years). She got bounced around a lot as a child apparently. I don't think she has much ability to be other-focused because these injuries have not been resolved. She is moderately aware and has worked on it, but this stuff is deeply seated.

 

She has fixed ideas about what men want from her. She doesn't know what to make of me because I don't dovetail in the way she is used to. On one level she believes she's most valuable for her sex appeal. I told her that while I definitely find her attractive, I'm much more interested in the contents than the packaging, plus I have not made a move beyond kissing. That intimidates and confuses her; she has her shield up. I guess I'm going to have the talk with her today. Not sure exactly what to say, but I'll keep it light. It will serve no purpose to say everything I think.

 

It helps to write all of this out. Thank you all for being good listeners.

I've just found this.

 

What I'm finding quite.... incredible I suppose is that I have been mainly dating men that come from stable (or seemingly stable) families. Parents together, seem to have good relationship with them and siblings but still there is always a deep emotional wound that they blame on an ex but you know that it has been around far longer than that. In fact the reason why they struggle with their relationships is because of that wound, rather than the other way round.

 

I've started to think that it's us, that we don't need to understand others so deeply. Maybe everyone is screwed up and perhaps its our need of trying to understand them that's the problem. Maybe we should be more self-centered. Like 90% of the population seems to be. 'Ignorance is bliss' and all that. Maybe there wouldn't be a rollercoaster then?

[salparadise]

I've just found this.

 

What I'm finding quite.... incredible I suppose is that I have been mainly dating men that come from stable (or seemingly stable) families. Parents together, seem to have good relationship with them and siblings but still there is always a deep emotional wound that they blame on an ex but you know that it has been around far longer than that. In fact the reason why they struggle with their relationships is because of that wound, rather than the other way round.

 

I've started to think that it's us, that we don't need to understand others so deeply. Maybe everyone is screwed up and perhaps its our need of trying to understand them that's the problem. Maybe we should be more self-centered. Like 90% of the population seems to be. 'Ignorance is bliss' and all that. Maybe there wouldn't be a rollercoaster then?

 

Hi Emilia-

That is an interesting observation about the wounds coming from a different place than that to which they attribute it, and that the causal relationship is the inverse of what they believe it to be. I think you're probably right a lot of the time. It's the early childhood injuries that are so difficult to resolve, and that usually make us susceptible to dysfunctional relationship patterns. Most people aren't aware of where their injuries actually come from. Relationships are often metaphors for earlier patterns that are the source of our pain. We choose relationships with a parallel dynamic in a vain attempt to complete unfinished business and be made whole.

 

Now regarding your second paragraph, I have the opposite belief. It is through deeper awareness and acceptance that we learn to love unselfishly, and to do so in spite of our pain rather than holding onto expectations that the other person has the ability and obligation to make it disappear. “Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.”

[Emilia]

Hi Emilia-

That is an interesting observation about the wounds coming from a different place than that to which they attribute it, and that the causal relationship is the inverse of what they believe it to be. I think you're probably right a lot of the time. It's the early childhood injuries that are so difficult to resolve, and that usually make us susceptible to dysfunctional relationship patterns. Most people aren't aware of where their injuries actually come from. Relationships are often metaphors for earlier patterns that are the source of our pain. We choose relationships with a parallel dynamic in a vain attempt to complete unfinished business and be made whole.

Hello

Yes and I find it interesting that they aren't and even the fact that it's hard to discuss it with them. It's usually people who have no interest in fixing the underlying issue and just want the pityparty. I see that with men all the time, don't know whether women are the same.

Now regarding your second paragraph, I have the opposite belief. It is through deeper awareness and acceptance that we learn to love unselfishly, and to do so in spite of our pain rather than holding onto expectations that the other person has the ability and obligation to make it disappear. “Our wounds are often the openings into the best and most beautiful part of us.”

You are right about the above. Don't you find it however that after posting on LS for a while, encountering different people, all sorts of dysfunctions, relationship patterns, etc, you have become more 'climatised' to dysfunction? Sometimes I wonder whether we don't realise how much of what we read we internalise and perhaps drawn towards even more because of it.

[salparadise]

Hello

Yes and I find it interesting that they aren't and even the fact that it's hard to discuss it with them. It's usually people who have no interest in fixing the underlying issue and just want the pityparty. I see that with men all the time, don't know whether women are the same.

 

I believe that men and women are the same in this regard, it's just that we express it differently. Men are taught from an early age that it's not good to be in touch with their feelings and express them openly. Women are generally allowed to (though not always).

 

As to fixing underlying issues, I think in terms of greater awareness and acceptance of both my own and those of my partner. The expectation that we can be "fixed" (or healed, or made whole) is usually at the core of dysfunctional relationships. The internalized disappointment that we feel when a partner is unable to fix things for us is where it goes off track. I believe that learning to accept the deficits as an integral and even beautiful part of the person is one the keys to enduring love.

 

You are right about the above. Don't you find it however that after posting on LS for a while, encountering different people, all sorts of dysfunctions, relationship patterns, etc, you have become more 'climatised' to dysfunction? Sometimes I wonder whether we don't realise how much of what we read we internalise and perhaps drawn towards even more because of it.

 

Climatized, internalized, drawn toward... I'm not sure. I think one thing I've learned is to embrace a person's pain and allow them to express it, however, if they haven't reached the level of emotional maturity and awareness stop projecting onto an intimate partner then they aren't capable of a mature relationship, and that to attempt it with them would be quite destructive. I have the ability to understand and accept, but I also need to be understood and accepted. Accepting is not the same as absorbing.

[Emilia]

The expectation that we can be "fixed" (or healed, or made whole) is usually at the core of dysfunctional relationships. The internalized disappointment that we feel when a partner is unable to fix things for us is where it goes off track. I believe that learning to accept the deficits as an integral and even beautiful part of the person is one the keys to enduring love.

You don't think they fundamentaly need to have the drive to attempt to 'fix' themselves? What I mean is that I think for someone who struggles with forming healthy long term relationships the key is to understand why that is and to be self-aware enough to keep trying to deal with their own issues (applies to everyone including you and I). Otherwise you end up walking around eggshells and going out of your way to be understanding. This is the only way I see avoiding codependency.

Climatized, internalized, drawn toward... I'm not sure. I think one thing I've learned is to embrace a person't pain (and my own) and allow them to express it, however, if they haven't reached the level of emotional maturity and awareness stop projecting onto an intimate partner then they aren't capable of a mature relationship, and that to attempt it with them would be quite destructive. I have the ability to understand and accept, but I also need to be understood and accepted. Accepting is not the same as absorbing.

Agree.

[salparadise]

You don't think they fundamentaly need to have the drive to attempt to 'fix' themselves? What I mean is that I think for someone who struggles with forming healthy long term relationships the key is to understand why that is and to be self-aware enough to keep trying to deal with their own issues (applies to everyone including you and I). Otherwise you end up walking around eggshells and going out of your way to be understanding. This is the only way I see avoiding codependency.

 

I guess the distinction lies in how we conceptualize what it means to fix and deal with. If what that means to us is that our wounds should disappear and that we no longer have those issues then it's an unrealistic expectation and therefore we will fail. But, if it means that we become aware of how we feel, what makes us feel that way, and how to express it to our partner with only the expectation that they accept us as we are, that we are capable of loving and worthy of being loved as we are (without needing to be fixed), then we open the door to loving and being loved as the imperfect human beings that we are.

 

The dysfunction we need to fix within ourselves is learning to own our crap and not project it onto our partner, and not to accept responsibility if/when they attempt to project. This is the way to stay out of the codependency trap.

 

The usual ideation of fixing something is one of controlling. The more we try to control the unhappier we be because there is so much we cannot control. Relief is found in acceptance.

 

The Five A's of Mindful Loving: Attention; Acceptance; Appreciation; Affection; Allowing.

[Emilia]

I guess the distinction lies in how we conceptualize what it means to fix and deal with. If what that means to us is that our wounds should disappear and that we no longer have those issues then it's an unrealistic expectation and therefore we will fail. But, if it means that we become aware of how we feel, what makes us feel that way, and how to express it to our partner with only the expectation that they accept us as we are, that we are capable of loving and worthy of being loved as we are (without needing to be fixed), then we open the door to loving and being loved as the imperfect human beings that we are.

 

The dysfunction we need to fix within ourselves is learning to own our crap and not project it onto our partner, and not to accept responsibility if/when they attempt to project. This is the way to stay out of the codependency trap.

 

The usual ideation of fixing something is one of controlling. The more we try to control the unhappier we be because there is so much we cannot control. Relief is found in acceptance.

 

The Five A's of Mindful Loving: Attention; Acceptance; Appreciation; Affection; Allowing.

Yes I think I agree with all of that.

[Khyla]

I never put much stock in those silly question on OK Cupid. It's just fluff to get traffic to their website. I refuse to answer anything sexual. It's no one's business.

 

um, i signed up on POF so I dont know about the specific questions on OK Cupid, but I DO know that my future partner will need to enjoy sex as much and as often as hubby and I did. That's a VERY IMPORTANT ASPECT, among other things, in determining who is going to get my attention... especially for the middle-age guys, as some might be happy with sex once every few weeks, and that just wont do

[irc333]

um, i signed up on POF so I dont know about the specific questions on OK Cupid, but I DO know that my future partner will need to enjoy sex as much and as often as hubby and I did. That's a VERY IMPORTANT ASPECT, among other things, in determining who is going to get my attention... especially for the middle-age guys, as some might be happy with sex once every few weeks, and that just wont do

 

Oh, I don't think you'll have that problem in that department online...there are plenty of men online wanting to get some action.

 

as some might be happy with sex once every few weeks, and that just wont do

 

Again , don't think you'll have that issue, in fact there's not many men out there that I know of online that have the kind of a sexual appetite of a woman....seems you have the sexual appetite of a man, so you're probably a god send to a lot of men.

[Lostinlife4now]

I have become a Born Again Virgin! Guess all can tell I haven't been on any dates for a looooooonnnnnng time..

 

At my age over 50 it is very hard to date! I am not a fan of on-line dating...so that's out...and when I do go out with girlfriends there are MORE SINGLE WOMEN on the prowl than any single decent men.

 

And believe me I am not looking for marriage just a nice man to share life with. Is that too much too ask?

 

I have aged fairly well....still small and skinny, make my own money and can COOK COOK COOK....and have a good heart.

 

But like I stated earlier, at this age we are all set in our ways!

 

I am under the impression....I will die alone.:(

[Lostinlife4now]

um, i signed up on POF so I dont know about the specific questions on OK Cupid, but I DO know that my future partner will need to enjoy sex as much and as often as hubby and I did. That's a VERY IMPORTANT ASPECT, among other things, in determining who is going to get my attention... especially for the middle-age guys, as some might be happy with sex once every few weeks, and that just wont do

 

 

I was told to STAY AWAY from POF....not too many quality men.

 

Don't shoot the messenger!

 

Be careful.....

Edited March 24, 2014 by Lostinlife4now
sp.

[BlueIris]

I have become a Born Again Virgin! Guess all can tell I haven't been on any dates for a looooooonnnnnng time..

 

At my age over 50 it is very hard to date! I am not a fan of on-line dating...so that's out...and when I do go out with girlfriends there are MORE SINGLE WOMEN on the prowl than any single decent men.

 

And believe me I am not looking for marriage just a nice man to share life with. Is that too much too ask?

 

I have aged fairly well....still small and skinny, make my own money and can COOK COOK COOK....and have a good heart.

 

But like I stated earlier, at this age we are all set in our ways!

 

I am under the impression....I will die alone.:(

 

I'm in the same boat, Lostinlife.

 

The biggest initial problem I have is that the majority of men who message me are retired and want to travel and have a more spontaneous, carefree life. But I just started a business and can't travel very much. That cuts out more than half of the people who message me, which is not a huge number to begin with. I just started messaging people myself, and that's extremely uncomfortable.

[Firebabe]

I was told to STAY AWAY from POF....not too many quality men.

 

Don't shoot the messenger!

 

Be careful.....

 

New here! I agree , have had nothing but bad experiences and let downs.

[irc333]

New here! I agree , have had nothing but bad experiences and let downs.

 

Yeah, on POF I keep seeing the same faces I've emailed (and been ignored by) in the past that are STILL on the site. Seems no man is good enough to even for a quick meet up. I also I hear about a lot of married people on the site or people in relationships looking to "trade up".

 

POF may also be a safe haven for those in relationships on the "outs" with their current sig. other, looking for some kind of rebound or fix in-between.

[Firebabe]

Yeah, on POF I keep seeing the same faces I've emailed (and been ignored by) in the past that are STILL on the site. Seems no man is good enough to even for a quick meet up. I also I hear about a lot of married people on the site or people in relationships looking to "trade up".

 

POF may also be a safe haven for those in relationships on the "outs" with their current sig. other, looking for some kind of rebound or fix in-between.

 

That is exactly it! A haven for cheaters and users. And POF is getting widely known for this