"It's easier to walk away - you were strong for staying"

[Snowflower]

Perhaps you didn't read this part in my original post:

 

 

Today I have three choices - but there is no choice in my mind. The health and welfare of my grandson trumps all else.

 

I discussed the situation I'm in now with my therapist yesterday and noted the eerie similarity between my situation back on d-day and now. So I wonder if this is pretty much how I felt all those years ago. Like back then there was no real decision; in my mind I had to stay for my son. That he was worth giving up my happiness for so just swallow hard and move forward. It's possible that my own mind trapped me in this way. My choice today is black and white. It wasn't so clear back then but I'm beginning to see that when I decided to stay I knew I was sacrificing my happiness for my son's welfare. I'm starting to forgive myself for that decision knowing that, in my mind, there was no decision. Of course there was, but not one that my mind would allow me to consider. I'm also starting to believe that there is a God as I am being shown an object lesson about something that tortures me to this day. This cannot be a mere coincidence.

 

Yes, drifter, I did read your original post. Of course.

 

I understand your quandary at least as you have presented it. Am I correct that these are your 3 choices:

 

1. Leave your grandson with your daughter?

2. Have your grandson go into the foster care system?

3. You and your wife get custody and raise your grandson?

 

Obviously, you would go with #3. You are an honorable man who would never turn his back on his loved ones. Am I correct that your wife, despite her failures in your marriage, is a good mother?

 

The thing is, drifter, and this is going to sound harsh...is that you seem to want to play the martyr. First time, it was with your wife's affair and you stayed for your son. Now, it is for your grandson. It seems like you feel you have to "fall on your sword" so to speak. In all honesty, it sounds like a bit of an excuse. I know, that sounds mean. But you are clearly unhappy and have no regard for your wife by calling her names in other posts here. If you really feel like that about your wife, then why do you stay with her? What good does it do to stay miserable?

 

I am not saying to get over it because clearly you can't and trust me, I'm no poster child for reconciliation either. You've done well by your family so maybe it is time to take a new approach.

 

Why didn't you divorce her after your children had grown (but before this sad situation with your daughter)?

 

Why can't you divorce her now? You and your wife could get shared custody of your grandson--it would still be a much better environment for him than foster care or with your daughter. Or, get full custody of him and then divorce?

 

There are always options.

Edited December 10, 2013 by Snowflower

[dichotomy]

. Or, get full custody of him and then divorce?

 

There are always options.

 

Or maybe enter into some un-conventional arrangement ... legally separated but living together (like roommates). Would not be the first set of grandparents I know that had seperate bedrooms and life activities.

[RightThere]

I am reminded of another quote I saw here on LS.

 

"Lust feels like love, until it's time to sacrifice"

 

Too often people get caught up in the lust and commit their infidelity. Too immature to understand what real love is.

 

You my friend understand what REAL love is all about. Putting others ahead of yourself.

 

Funny how the betrayed spouses are often accused of not loving their wayward spouses enough. When in fact, the betrayed spouse exhibits more real love than a wayward can ever hope to understand.

[Spectre]

What I don't understand is why people feel the need to fight and defend and compare their choice? It is absurd that so many people make such sweeping statements about either. Life isn't a competition and both descision are hard to go through for their own reasons. It is wrong of people to tell people who reconcile that they do it because of fear or that they don't have good self-esteem. No one should feel guilty or like they are weak for giving their spouse a second chance.

And if someone leaves. No one should tell then they took the easy way out. Because their is no easy way out. A sacrifice has to be made somewhere. Very few bs dance into the sunset joyous and carefree. Lots carry with them the pain of being betrayed and the realization you can never know what will happen in a future relationship. That any future spouse could choose to cheat as well. After all the one you just left did and for many they never thought their spouse could be so capable of cruelty.

I am for true reconciliation. Unfortunatly too many stories are too screwed up for it to happen.

Reconciliation is not harder than divorce.

Divorce is not harder than reconcilation

They are different and both involve pain.

None of this of course includes what spectre described. That isn't reconciliation. That is not facing reality. There are many couples who deal with the infidelity head on and never have a spouse stray again.

 

You are right I did not mean to apply this to every couple out there. I know not all stay out of fear of being alone, etc. I also am not saying doing so is a weakness, I've done it.

 

I will say I find the type of attitude you describe problematic at times though. The "not everything is black and white" type of attitude. I am not saying this is necessarily wrong, but at times it leads to people using it as a justification for cheating, because they think "hey, my situation just isn't that black and white" and that is how they defend it to themselves.

 

I think people would be kidding themselves to say life is just black and white in general. However, I also feel like it would be silly to suggest that in life there really aren't some things that are merely as simple as "if you feel this way you will NEVER act a certain way" because actions speak louder then words.

 

I know people out there have forgiven cheating, etc. and that is fine, to them all I can say is that yes different people have different views on love, I don't mean to trivialize their experience. I realize some people would be more forgiving then I would be when it comes to certain things.

Edited December 11, 2013 by Spectre

[sidney2718]

You are right I did not mean to apply this to every couple out there. I know not all stay out of fear of being alone, etc. I also am not saying doing so is a weakness, I've done it.

 

I will say I find the type of attitude you describe problematic at times though. The "not everything is black and white" type of attitude. I am not saying this is necessarily wrong, but at times it leads to people using it as a justification for cheating, because they think "hey, my situation just isn't that black and white" and that is how they defend it to themselves.

 

I think people would be kidding themselves to say life is just black and white in general. However, I also feel like it would be silly to suggest that in life there really aren't some things that are merely as simple as "if you feel this way you will NEVER act a certain way" because actions speak louder then words.

 

I know people out there have forgiven cheating, etc. and that is fine, to them all I can say is that yes different people have different views on love, I don't mean to trivialize their experience. I realize some people would be more forgiving then I would be when it comes to certain things.

 

I don't think anybody condones cheating. Cheaters are often asked why did they simply not leave and then have their affair? This thread has dealt with that very well. Many folks agree that even when there is cheating, it is sometimes hard to leave. Imagine how hard it is to leave when there is no cheating. And yet we ask cheaters why they did not leave?

 

The answer is that even cheating is not a black and white situation. It involves human emotions and gets very complicated. I think we would all do well to keep this in mind.

[Spectre]

I think it is and it isn't, I think at the end of the day some things in life just come down to "actions speak louder then words". I feel cheating is one of those such things. To knowingly commit such an intimate act with another? To hurt someone in that way? 99.9% of cheaters have to know how devastating what they are doing would be to their partner.

 

Again, not to trivialize anyone who did find happiness again with a spouse who betrayed them. I'm envious to anyone who manages to find a bit of happiness out of such a horrible situation.

Edited December 11, 2013 by Spectre

[BetrayedH]

I don't think anybody condones cheating. Cheaters are often asked why did they simply not leave and then have their affair? This thread has dealt with that very well. Many folks agree that even when there is cheating, it is sometimes hard to leave. Imagine how hard it is to leave when there is no cheating. And yet we ask cheaters why they did not leave?

 

The answer is that even cheating is not a black and white situation. It involves human emotions and gets very complicated. I think we would all do well to keep this in mind.

 

Sounds like very grey thinking to me. Often, I find that the right thing to do is typically obvious; it just takes courage.