Am I developing standards?

[TheyCallMeOx]

He's getting desperate, so he's going back to someone he knows he could probably get to spend some quality time with. Move on; he had his chance.

[ja123]

Thank you CC and TCMO!

 

 

I was thinking the same.

 

 

I didn't write back to him again, as I thought I'd post here to solicit opinions on how I should proceed, so I can make a better decision.

 

 

So now, I've just opened my inbox and he has written again!!!! This time with something sexy and he signs it with a "kiss". Wtf?

 

 

I was thinking of responding to his sob-story email from a few days ago. I was going to say that even though he thought I left "abruptly" he could have reached out to validate why I left rather than make assumptions.

 

 

In addition, I was going to mention that my ego was bruised that he didn't contact me (especially after sex) and that I didn't think we could get back to where we were at the beginning. That I wouldn't be able to see him with the same curiosity, open-mindedness, and delight ... but now would be resentful, bitter, and guarded .... so there's no point in seeing each other again. It's not like we have any relationship history to fall upon to overcome the "bad" times.

 

 

And, most important, his bragging later on that evening really turned me off. I am looking at bigger character flaws in him, and I cannot brush this under the carpet.

 

 

So, do I write back or not at this point?

 

 

I'm concerned to write back to him and be honest about my feelings for 2 reasons:

 

 

1- I don't think he gives a damn about me, nor do I think he'll say he's sorry. (I'm sad about this because I would want someone to "care" a bit, even if it's casual. There should still be courtesy even for casual, no?)

 

 

2- If I write back and tell him how I feel, then I am opening the door for him to give a counter-argument and debate me and try to manipulate me.

 

 

I am wary of #2 because I used to do that a lot in the past. I would capitulate and allow myself to be manipulated as I didn't really want to believe my own observations (i.e. the person is a jerk and I should walk if not run!)

 

 

So that's why I am writing here. I'd like to be able to write back and not show him my feelings (or cards) and just shut the door. But I don't know if I can or how, so my only reaction right now is not to write anything at all.

 

 

I just really didn't expect him to write again this morning ...

 

 

I would've thought that he would have got the message the first time and by my subsequent silence.

 

 

Now he is writing as if nothing happened (i.e. that he's done nothing wrong in not having contacted me after sex). Should I even bother to tell him: "Hey, buddy, you blew any potential FWB situation by not according me the most basic respect in contacting me soon afterwards. You waited 9 weeks!! And you put the blame on me saying that you didn't think I was interested because I left early in the morning?"

 

 

How would you proceed?

 

 

Any thoughts or suggestions?

[BradJacobs]

Why are you getting so worked up about a guy that you don't care to give a second chance to?

 

You both decided to have sex with each other.

You both decided not to speak to one another afterwards.

 

You seem jaded for a situation that you are equally at fault in causing.

[HappyLove]

He's a jerk. He thinks your stupid and can pop up two months later and act as if nothing happened. If you keep replying to him you will have proven him right. This is not someone you should have anything to do with. I'd leave him hanging the same way he left me. All that questioning him is a waste of time. He's a user.

[Lokie]

ja, girl, think like a guy here. You say you are open to a FWB relationship. If the sex was good with him, and you don't feel emotionally attached to him, I'd set something up on MY terms for sex only. And when the sex was over, I'd leave or ask him to leave so you could sleep.

 

I have wished and wished that I could do this - but I get too f-in emotionally attached. So, please do it, so I can enjoy it vicariously! :-)

 

Good luck to you either way. And your standards - what I believe to be expecting to be treated with respect - rock.

 

L.

[Survivor12]

Since you were the one to bring up the topic of double-standards, I have to ask--what would you think if a guy left abruptly as you did? It seems likely, considering your reaction to him not contacting you the next day (which was AFTER you left), that you would be offended--and assume that he was only interested in sex.

 

With that in mind, why wouldn't he have thought the same thing? As a matter of fact, he told you that because of the way you left, he didnt think you were interested. Why is that so hard to believe?

 

Sure, not calling you the next day may be considered rude, but if we're talking equality, the same could be said about you not contacting him, right?

 

Please understand, I'm not beating up on you, but I don't think that it's fair to blame the guy for not calling after your rapid departure. That said, I would suspect that calling two months later could be because he was looking for some action & thought of you so if you do go out with him again, I would suggest making your intentions clear in advance.

[ja123]

Well, he wrote yet again today!!!

 

 

Firstly, let me say thanks to all you LoveShackers. It's really helpful to come on here and get feedback. I re-read this thread and realize that my initial call (within 24 hours) of first meeting was the right one: dump his sorry ass.

 

 

Having the second round of feedback from you, after the update, kept me on my toes and on the straight and narrow. I might have buckled. So, thanks!!!

 

 

tlegend, your feedback from December was helpful once again, too.

 

 

I've also learn a lot from other threads.

 

 

e.g.

 

 

Sorry but I believe that the most decent people around have the balls to tell someone they slept with that they wont be talking to them anymore, and to also wish them well and thank them for their time they had together.

 

Screw this: they owe you nothing horse sh*t. They had SEX. The girl set aside her time to spend with a guy. She really liked him. She got naked for him. If he was a decent person, he would have told her that he simply didn't feel"it" with her and wanted to "stop" seeing each other.

 

 

 

IMO, he should have reached out, either way. I think he must realize that he's blown what could've been a convenient FWB situation with me and now he's freaking.

 

 

e.g.

 

 

Maybe I didn't express myself well. It's never purely "feelings" and "instinct". There is usually a clear incident or incidents that trigger a "bad feeling". Then there is a period of time when I am on alert and watch guy's behavior closely.

 

 

When he commented that I was taking a long time to finish my drink when he wanted to get going, this gave me a bad feeling. When he bragged, he nailed his own coffin shut. Not contacting me after, well ... too late, too bad, so sad. hahaha

 

 

@ BradJacobs: it's true, I shouldn't have been so worked up. I think the situation confused me on some level. As I earlier mentioned, I am getting faster at extricating myself from confusion. That said, I still have more to learn. Reading this forum is helping me with that.

 

 

@HappyLove: I agree, if I were to keep replying then he'll have proven that I'm stupid. He is a user; you're right.

 

 

@Lokie: I've had a few successful albeit short-lived FWB situations. They fizzled out so no one got hurt. The common-denominator amongst all of them (the reason they were successful) is that everyone was clear that no relationship would develop, and also there was a tremendous amount of mutual common courtesy offered. That included the guys reaching out the same or next day just to say they had a nice time. If I were to cross paths with these guys again, I'd wish them the best. Heck, I'd even give them a recommendation! This current guy, does not fit into the category with these other guys upon whom I can still look back fondly of the time shared.

 

 

@Survivor12: I agree that I'd be holding a double standard in this case, if I did not think that it was ok for me to contact him first. However, before leaving at 8:30 in the morning, I did him 2 big kisses on the lips to which he said he would contact me, but never did. I might also add that I've left early when I've been with other guys, but they offered to make me coffee if I didn't stay for breakfast or at least get out of bed to show me to the door. This didn't happen in this case. Need I say more?

 

 

Well, let's just hope this is the last I've heard from him.

 

 

I have currently decided not to write back.

 

 

If he writes again, then I'll see. But, I don't want to open the door to him trying to give excuses and manipulate me.

 

 

I'm just wondering if I could test myself by writing back. The only way I could be successful is if I think that I am drafting the email on behalf of a friend. That way I should be more distant from emotions and thus more rational. But, really, what's the point?

 

 

Anyhow, the guy is clearly an idiot. The whole thing that he keeps writing now is ridiculous. I'm honestly laughing at this point and am no longer angry. I'd feel sorry for him if he weren't such a jerk.

[TXGuy]

I did have sex with him c57.

 

 

But isn't it a double standard somewhere on his end, if it's ok for him (the man) to have sex on the first date but not ok for the woman to do that?

 

 

Isn't it a double standard that you expect him to call you, but you feel no need whatsoever that you should call him.

[ja123]

Isn't it a double standard that you expect him to call you, but you feel no need whatsoever that you should call him.

 

 

 

No. I kissed him before leaving. He said he'd contact me. I waited. He didn't.

 

 

Had the opposite happened and he left, but I said I would contact him, then I would have done so.

 

 

He explicitly took the ball and put it in his court. He didn't throw it back until almost 2 months later.

 

 

I'd say some air has come out of the ball in that time. Wouldn't you?

 

 

There's no double standard on my end.

[TXGuy]

 

There's no double standard on my end.

 

You said a number of times, "If I were the man, I would have..."

 

Absolutely a double standard.

 

Anyway, you sure showed him. Good for you.

[ja123]

You said a number of times, "If I were the man, I would have..."

 

Absolutely a double standard.

 

 

 

OK, your point is taken. I can see how that must come off as a double standard. That wasn't my intention.

 

 

To continue in that vein, though, if I were a man, I wouldn't have been so stupid as to hit it and quit it, as Charlie said, and blowing a potential FWB situation.

 

 

I guess that's why this man is confusing me.

 

 

Who knows what happened on his end ... maybe his sob story is a lie and he had another FWB who dumped him, so now he's coming back to me. But, he is silly and showing himself no respect by insisting now. That's what's confusing. I'm shooting him down with my silence. Why is he insisting now when he had his chance?

 

 

Who knows, eh? Only he does ...

[TXGuy]

OK, your point is taken. I can see how that must come off as a double standard. That wasn't my intention.

 

 

To continue in that vein, though, if I were a man, I wouldn't have been so stupid as to hit it and quit it, as Charlie said, and blowing a potential FWB situation.

 

 

I guess that's why this man is confusing me.

 

 

Who knows what happened on his end ... maybe his sob story is a lie and he had another FWB who dumped him, so now he's coming back to me. But, he is silly and showing himself no respect by insisting now. That's what's confusing. I'm shooting him down with my silence. Why is he insisting now when he had his chance?

 

 

Who knows, eh? Only he does ...

 

I agree that only he knows for sure. It could have been that he was put off by the abrupt departure, perhaps he din't intend to call in any event, or he did get hung up on work. The work thing is not as likely, but possibly something along the lines of getting distracted for a few days and when he remembered again thought it was too late to call (I'm not a fan of this theory)

 

As for the reengagement two months later, I have two theories. One, he had been fondly remembering that night for a while, and finally decided to try again. Or two, he hit a dry spell and went through his phone to see if he could reactivate some old conquests.

 

Unfortunately it would be hard to tell which one it is. One is somewhat sweet and the other is a bit unpleasant.

 

Sorry, I doubt that helps much.

[ascendotum]

A. He may have been a little offended when you got up and wanted to leave early without sticking around.

B. Even though he may have acted like a gentlemen before you went back to his place, it does mean he's done a 180 just because he has not contacted you within say 8 hrs afterwards. Maybe he expected it was just a ONS and no need to stay in touch. Maybe he doesn't want to appear too eager so is holding off till the night or the next day before he contacts you again.

C. If I spent breakfast with a woman from a ONS and we discussed the night before and I said I had a great time and so on, I wouldn't feel the need to contact her again that day. (I know you skipped out that morning)

D. I personally would have texted you if you left before we could chat, but don't read into it that he thinks your not worth it or cheap/slutty or you got used, just because he doesn't send off a txt that morning to say 'thanks for the great nite, we should do it again soon' (which you could do too). You had fun just the same as him. For some guys its just sex, and for lots of women also it can be just recreational fun too with no deeper thoughts for or against the person in the cold light of the following day.

[ja123]

@ TXGuy: Thanks. I like your first theory, but I think it's best to ere on the side of caution and go with the second theory.

 

 

C'est la vie ...

Edited February 14, 2014 by ja123

[ja123]

@ascendotum: Thanks, but we met on a Friday in December and we were supposed to meet on the following Thursday.

 

 

 

 

He said he'd contact me when I left. He waited almost 2 months! lol I'm just so surprised at his current insistence. He must need his head examined! hahaha

[ascendotum]

@ascendotum: Thanks, but we met on a Friday n December and we were supposed to meet on the following Thursday.

 

He said he'd contact me when I left. He waited almost 2 months! lol I'm just so surprised at his current insistence. He must need his head examined! hahaha

 

Yikes, I only read page 1 and just discovered this was old thread with an update today, so what I wrote is somewhat redundant. Okay if there was talk of a further meet the next week it does changes things. Still some guys could get the impression they did not make a good impression if the girl wants to rush of in the morning and may be a bit indifferent in attitude or give off a vibe she had regrets. I personally am not big on rules on txting and think both of you could have contacted each other the following few day/s to say 'had a good time, is next Thu still on'. Since he said he would text and he left it for 2 months, I don't blame you for thinking your ship has sailed.