Just been dumped by my very first girlfriend.

[Simplysimon]

I've never cried so much in my entire life.

 

Yes, I'm 32 and just had my first, GF, we've been together six months.

 

I'm going between feelings of extreme sadness to being numb and that I no longer have a reason to live.

 

Depression has been a constant struggle in my life, but being with her took it all away and I was truly happy. Now I just wish that fate would throw me a bone and fine a way to kill me so I don't have to live in misery.

 

It was so sudden. No problems at all, no fights.

 

I'm not going to do anything myself, but it would be great if I don't wake up tomorrow.

 

Please , no more sducidal stuff it's silly.

Just because your 32 and this is your first girl it should be the start not the end.

If your depression lifted because of the girl it can be completely removed by meeting the right girl. Partners are for complimenting our lives not being our lives.

If you met one girl you can meet another hotter sexier and better.

Get out there, join dating sites try out 10 till you find the one you like. They should be lucky to have you always think that if not screw em and move on...

Life's good grasp it,,,

[Kamille]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a hard time SD. Heartbreaks are the worst. I myself think the first one are usually the hardest, especially if you didn't see it coming. Heartbreak is painful, especially at first. Please give yourself the time to heal.

 

 

You are handling it remarkably well.

 

And now, the good news is that you have relationship experience. You now know you are date-able. This will make it easier for you moving forward.

[somedude81]

I don't mean to ignore so many posts, I'll get to them later.

Terribly sorry to hear that, SD.

 

Remember what you said on a previous thread where you were talking about potentially splitting up when you graduate though?

That is actually something I didn't realize.

 

People kept asking me where I wanted to be after I graduate and I kept telling them that I planned on staying in SoCal because she's here.

 

Now that's no longer an issue.

 

Basically this class I'm taking now is the last one I need at my school and I can take my very last one at a Jr. College. Heck I could move back to where I'm from in January but it might be hard getting an apartment by then.

 

Still it's a very sad thought.

 

 

 

You felt that even if it ended, the fact that you managed to get into a R (and 6 months on your very first try is pretty impressive!) would do wonders for your self-esteem and confidence, and make future attempts easier.

 

Well, you were right about that. Chin up, dude. Most of us don't end up with our very first partner. But the experience and life lessons we get from those failed Rs are priceless.

Yeah my self-esteem and confidence have gone up and are much higher than before.

 

And I am very surprised it lasted six months.

 

Then again, I'd always felt I'd be great in a relationship as long as somebody was willing to give me a chance. Turns out I was right.

 

I just really wish there was some lesson I could learn or some mistake I know not to do again. Having it end suddenly end when everything seemed to be fine is still such a shock.

[Mrlonelyone]

I don't mean to ignore so many posts, I'll get to them later.

 

That is actually something I didn't realize.

 

People kept asking me where I wanted to be after I graduate and I kept telling them that I planned on staying in SoCal because she's here.

 

Now that's no longer an issue.

 

Basically this class I'm taking now is the last one I need at my school and I can take my very last one at a Jr. College. Heck I could move back to where I'm from in January but it might be hard getting an apartment by then.

 

Still it's a very sad thought.

 

 

 

Yeah my self-esteem and confidence have gone up and are much higher than before.

 

And I am very surprised it lasted six months.

 

Then again, I'd always felt I'd be great in a relationship as long as somebody was willing to give me a chance. Turns out I was right.

 

I just really wish there was some lesson I could learn or some mistake I know not to do again. Having it end suddenly end when everything seemed to be fine is still such a shock.

 

Might I suggest that the real issue between you and her was that you were about to graduate.

 

You probably saw me write here about a woman I called M. I knew M for a year and a half and from September 2012 to May 2013 we were involved. You know what was happening in June 2013. I got my degree. As the date of the big oral exam we both looked forward to came up we grew more and more distant.

 

Then we both started seeing other people. Nothing serious at first. I moved over 100 miles away, she moved on to another guy.

 

However before I left for good, she warmed back up to me as it seemed I might be around a bit longer.

 

Don't just take my annecdote for it. Break ups around big life changes happen all the time. Graduation: The killer of college relationships - The Independent Florida Alligator: Friday's Blogs

 

So it wasn't you, it wasn't her, perhaps the relationship had just done it's course. It would be damaging for you to have tried to make it into anything more. Just look at all the 32 to 33 year old people who are divorced from their college sweetheart. Many more than who are still married to that person.

 

Oh and do not send her Christmas gifts. You do not reward someone for breaking up with you. If you ever could get back with her, kissing her @$$ after she broke up with you is not going to lay the groundwork for that.

[ThaWholigan]

I don't post here much anymore, but I came to say that I'm sorry that this has happened to you SD, we were all rooting for this to work out.

 

All I can say is that there is probably nothing you could have done to prevent that from happening by the sounds of it. It's not always down to a mistake or something you did wrong necessarily, sometimes this kind of sh*t just happens. I think this was to serve as a first experience for you and something of an experience for her too and it's run its course - and now you have that out of the way. One of your biggest hurdles.

 

So take time to soothe yourself, it's going to sting for a little bit longer. But make sure that you are aware that there will be better and more fulfilling experiences in the near future. You have what it takes to sustain a relationship, and if you can work through your depression it will be even better for you.

 

Once again, I'm sorry that this is a painful experience for you. Have seen many men of all ages go through this and all I can say is that it gets better. Believe that.

[jeremy2125]

Everyones first relationship is expected to fail. I remember my first, it sucked but take what you had and learn from it. There are plenty of matches out there you just need to find them. I guarantee you find a much better person that what you had.

[KathyM]

I'm sorry, Somedude. I know you put a lot of emotional investment into this girl. The thing is, there were some strikes against it working out long term, through no fault of your own. She was rebounding from her three year relationship that she just left, and was probably not over her ex, so she may have idealized that relationship, and was subconsciously comparing her relationship with you to her relationship with the more idealized relationship with the other guy. So she may have thought your relationship with her did not live up to the idealized standard that she thought she used to have with the other guy. The age difference, also, might have been a factor. Although some 21 year olds may like to or be open to dating much older men for a time, eventually they realize they want someone closer to their own age, or her friends may have told her she should get someone closer to her own age. That was probably a factor that influenced her feelings. She didn't allow herself to become too attached romantically because of the age difference. I know this was the case with my niece when she was dating an older man, and the case of a friend of the family. In other words, she was probably never really in the right mindset for the relationship to have worked out long term.

 

 

On the positive side, a six month relationship is a pretty good run. It gave you good relationship experience, more confidence in actively pursuing women, and the knowledge that you can be successful with women, this just wasn't the right woman for you. There are some things you can improve upon though, which other posters have alluded to. You need to develop interests and hobbies, and pursue a life that you are passionate about apart from your romantic relationship. People value someone who is passionate about life, and has goals and interests apart from the relationship. You also need to build the romantic side of the relationship a bit more. I mean verbally and emotionally, and be willing to express those intense feelings. The focus may have been too much on sex, and too little on romantic feelings for her. I don't know all the dynamics of your relationship, but there may have been that element that was not building. It sounds like that may have been one of the issues. You need to learn to do and say those kinds of things that make a woman fall in love. I think a lot of men struggle with this issue, and that is why the relationship doesn't progress to the "in love stage." But this was a good learning experience for you. Now you can analyze and reflect on what might have been done differently, so you can bring another element into your next relationship. It sounds like she had a lot of fun with you, but building the romantic side is something you could work on.

[tuxedo cat]

As for there not being signs - there ARE always signs. I could see any of my break ups coming miles off. There are subtle shifts in body language, affection, frequency of seeing each other, emotional distance etc etc You just need to learn to read women better.

 

I agree. I can only remember one breakup that surprised me and I've been in a lot of relationships.

[tuxedo cat]

She's the one who said that she felt she should be in love by now. I don't know why she wasn't.

 

 

Yes the wound was still there, but it was healing. My depression and anger issues can get very bad. But now, they are not as bad as it used to be. Normally with this much grief, sadness and anger, I would have broken several things in my apartment. So far I haven't broken anything and it looks like I won't.

 

Being with her let me forget my pain. And it was going away. Unfortunately six months was not long enough. Just long enough for it to really hurt.

 

I hope the next one isn't as bad as this.

 

 

That is a great point.

 

Right now my life absolutely sucks. I'm not working but at the very end of my long college career. I'm currently struggling through a very hard class and even with roughly four hours of tutoring 4 days a week, I'm barely scraping by. I've already failed this class twice before and this is my absolute last chance. So that's a lot of stress on me. I also don't have any friends and she was the only person I spent time with and talked to. Before you say anything, I was sure to give her plenty of space and not smother her.

 

Long story short, she was the only source of happiness in my life. One that I've been waiting a very long time for. And no, she didn't know how I truly felt about her on that level.

 

 

If I pass this class, then my next one, which may be even harder than my current one, I'll graduate in May. I could probably look for a job now. I just wonder if I can manage the time and still function in an impossible class. Hobbies, I don't anymore. I can't imagine doing anything without her. I barely have the motivation to play any of the 10 or so video games I bought last week.

 

 

She was different because she was the very first girl out of 3.5 billion that actually gave a damn about me and completely opened herself up to me. I've been trying to get a GF since I was 13 and I finally met somebody who turned out to be absolutely amazing, and now she's gone. I can't last another 10 years of being alone.

 

Just in regards to the academic thing: do you think it's possible you may have a learning disability? You should get tested because if you do your college may give you some form of accommodation that will help you pass the class.

 

How much time do you spend studying? I just hope you're making your schoolwork the priority it needs to be. It should come before everything else in your life right now. If you're not, getting better disciplined will do wonders for your self esteem by giving you a sense of control.

 

Also, get off the video games. They keep you inside. You really do need to at least have one hobby going aside from school, even if it's painful at first. Could you maybe look for a part time job to meet new people?

 

Did your girlfriend know your age?

 

I have a hunch she may have been put off by your lack of direction. I would be put off if I had a boyfriend who was barely getting by in school, had no friends and no hobbies outside of me. Yes, she knew these things going in but they can wear on you over time and make it harder for to fall in love.

 

I know this may be painful to hear but the reason I'm mentioning it is because you will infinitely improve your chances in the future with girls if you work on building a better life, and you will also become happier on your own. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.

 

You seem very stuck in your ways so I hope you're receptive to constructive criticism.

Edited December 6, 2013 by tuxedo cat

[tbf]

Haven't posted for months but I heard about this happening to you and wanted to say how sorry I was that this break up happened.

 

Six months is a long time for a first relationship. Now that you've had one, it's important that you realize that you'll find differences in every relationship since it will be with different girlfriends.

 

For now, focus on school and your graduation in May. Next big hurdle will be getting a job.

[Els]

I don't mean to ignore so many posts, I'll get to them later.

 

That is actually something I didn't realize.

 

People kept asking me where I wanted to be after I graduate and I kept telling them that I planned on staying in SoCal because she's here.

 

Now that's no longer an issue.

 

Basically this class I'm taking now is the last one I need at my school and I can take my very last one at a Jr. College. Heck I could move back to where I'm from in January but it might be hard getting an apartment by then.

 

Still it's a very sad thought.

 

IMO it's great that you're going to graduate soon. Congratulations! Focus on the happy stuff. It's actually easier to be single when you graduate rather than in a LTR - you can make your career decisions based on what you really want to do, without consideration for anyone else.

 

 

Yeah my self-esteem and confidence have gone up and are much higher than before.

 

That's the spirit.

 

I just really wish there was some lesson I could learn or some mistake I know not to do again. Having it end suddenly end when everything seemed to be fine is still such a shock.

 

Well, those aren't the only lessons that can be learnt. Surely you learnt a bit about yourself and what you want from Rs, at the very least.

[veggirl]

Sorry to hear SD You know I was rooting for you. Have you gone NC with her? I don't think sending her the Xmas gifts is a good idea, at all. I'd return them or give them to someone else. This seems it was more of a circumstantial break up than anything--she was too young and fresh out of a ltr for another one. You will have a lot more longterm success if you date like 25+ I think.

[Forever Learning]

I've never cried so much in my entire life.

 

Yes, I'm 32 and just had my first, GF, we've been together six months.

 

I'm going between feelings of extreme sadness to being numb and that I no longer have a reason to live.

 

Depression has been a constant struggle in my life, but being with her took it all away and I was truly happy. Now I just wish that fate would throw me a bone and fine a way to kill me so I don't have to live in misery.

 

It was so sudden. No problems at all, no fights.

 

I'm not going to do anything myself, but it would be great if I don't wake up tomorrow.

 

Hi SomeDude! I've not read anything else in this thread yet, only your very first post (Santa is at the Christmas tree farm today and I don't have time to read it right now, have to take the kids there before he splits).

 

Anyhow, I'm very sorry you got dumped. I know it hurts, and it sucks. I've been dumped plenty, and dumped others plenty.

 

Worldwide, there are people dumping and getting dumped everyday.

 

You will get over it.

 

Just give it time, and get busy getting busy. That's the secret to success. The quicker you get over this, the quicker you can move on to the next girlfriend and start having fun again. You might consider an anti-depressant if you can't kick the blue mood on your own. DAILY exercise and good nutrition is vital as well. Are you eating healthy? Work on that. Juicing is a biggie that is helpful.

 

Yes, you are allowed to take some time to have a giant pity party for yourself. Maybe 3 days tops. But try to exercise even then. It really helps.

 

Lastly, you say you were happy with her. Ok, fine. But you have to learn to be happy all on your own as well. I've been single going on 2 years now, and ITS AWESOME! I can honestly say, I can have fun on my own, without relying on someone else to bring me joy.

 

And this is a very attractive quality for all humans, by the way.

 

Being happy with yourself, being non clingy and being able to enjoy a mix of alone time and time with others, having hobbies, and being at peace with yourself and the world, are all very attractive qualities. Work on these, do some reading (self help books and articles) and become more well rounded, more spiritual, more self assured, more balanced. Broaden your mind, broaden your horizons.

 

Sounds like bullsh*t but honestly it's a universal truth in being human.

 

This situation could be an amazing point of personal growth for you, the pathway to bigger and better things in your future. This girlfriend experience was awesome. Pick yourself up, get yourself together, get busy getting busy, and soon enough, you will be onto the next great chapter of your life.

 

Believe it. Hang in there. Upward and onward. You can do it. Forever Learning

[Forever Learning]

Hey again, finally back home and working my way thru this thread (1/2 way done). I just wanted to add that I really commend you Somedude for taking this sudden break up so well. Seriously.

 

Yes of course it sucks but like you mentioned, you haven't broken anything. I'd say that's really pretty good, all things considered, and I'm impressed.

 

I hope this gets a little better for you with each passing day. Remember so much of the sh*tty feelings are the brain chemicals, you were on a natural love 'high' and you had the rug pulled out from under you.

 

It takes time for your brain to compensate from the shock, not unlike a drug addict going through withdrawals, you know that.

 

We've all been there, give it time for your brain to get back on an even keel and the crying and despair will taper off. Ben and Jerrys is your friend right now

 

As for WHY she 'didn't love you' the way she should have, - I wish I had a clue for you, but I don't. She just wasn't the one and it wasn't meant to be. But still, there are alot of positives here, the entire experience was a huge positive step in the right direction for you. Anyhow, hang in there. Later gator

[somedude81]

She seems to have gone into full no contact now.

 

I've been trying to get her to meet up with me one last time so I can actually talk to her since the last time we "talked" I was in shock and barely able to speak.

 

She knows I want talk to her and the last time she responded was Thursday when I asked if she could meet up later that day, and she told me that she didn't have time. I sent an email to her on Saturday morning. If she doesn't respond, then that's it.

 

It's amazing how things changed so fast. I just can't understand how I had a girlfriend before I went on vacation, and comeback a week later and be single. If there were signs, I didn't see them.

 

The last time we were together, she stayed over Wednesday and Thursday nights. We were intimate on Thursday night, we would have been as well Friday morning be we wanted to catch an early morning movie. I left on my trip on Monday, got back the fallowing Monday, then she came over to my place on Wednesday with the intent of staying over two nights. Then she started talking about her feelings.

 

Why is she being so cold now? This isn't like her at all. Is it really possible to completely lose all feelings for somebody so suddenly even if that person didn't do anything at all?

 

I've had many women I've had feelings for give me the cold-shoulder and refuse contact. But in each of those cases I deserved it because of something I said or did.

 

This whole experience is really screwing me up.

[somedude81]

You think talking about it whill make you feel better, but it won't. The fact that she's giving you the cold shoulder, says that it's not you that's the problem, it is whatever is going on with her.

Take heart in that there's probably very little you could have done to fix this.

I'm really starting to understand that what's happening is almost completely about her but I'm sure there were still things I could have done if I had known ahead of time that something was wrong. I could have made an extra effort to bring in more romance, go out of my way to spend time with her etc.

 

What I'm really feeling, is that this is happening because she's very tired and stressed from working so much and spending a lot of time, helping her grandmother who moved close by to her. But for some reason she's taking it out on our relationship.

 

She's also planning on working the same number of hours when she starts nursing school next month, which is absolutely insane. She thinks she can do it, but that she won't have time for me. I think she should cut back on hours, not cut me out of her life. She's being a stubborn idiot.

 

 

And I know you've dismissed the idea of the ex, but for me, I reckon that's where the problem is.

Her ex is not back in her life and I highly doubt that there is another guy.

 

But she has said that she thinks she wasn't single long enough and that's still affecting her, six months after we go together. I don't really understand what she means. I know that the last year and a half of her relationship with her ex was toxic and she pretty much ended it right after I started showing interest in her. As far as I can tell, there was nothing wrong with our relationship at all.

[reddragon588]

She seems to have gone into full no contact now.

 

I've been trying to get her to meet up with me one last time so I can actually talk to her since the last time we "talked" I was in shock and barely able to speak.

 

She knows I want talk to her and the last time she responded was Thursday when I asked if she could meet up later that day, and she told me that she didn't have time. I sent an email to her on Saturday morning. If she doesn't respond, then that's it.

 

It's amazing how things changed so fast. I just can't understand how I had a girlfriend before I went on vacation, and comeback a week later and be single. If there were signs, I didn't see them.

 

The last time we were together, she stayed over Wednesday and Thursday nights. We were intimate on Thursday night, we would have been as well Friday morning be we wanted to catch an early morning movie. I left on my trip on Monday, got back the fallowing Monday, then she came over to my place on Wednesday with the intent of staying over two nights. Then she started talking about her feelings.

 

Why is she being so cold now? This isn't like her at all. Is it really possible to completely lose all feelings for somebody so suddenly even if that person didn't do anything at all?

 

I've had many women I've had feelings for give me the cold-shoulder and refuse contact. But in each of those cases I deserved it because of something I said or did.

 

This whole experience is really screwing me up.

 

This was something she was thinking about for a while, it didn't come up immediately. She may not have shown it, but this wasn't a split-second decision.

 

To be honest, you'd be best off not seeing her again. Go NC yourself.

[somedude81]

I'm not sure it it's important or not, but she has not told me leave her alone or to stop contacting her. For her ex she did tell him to leave her alone several times.

 

This was something she was thinking about for a while, it didn't come up immediately. She may not have shown it, but this wasn't a split-second decision.

 

To be honest, you'd be best off not seeing her again. Go NC yourself.

Yeah I'm sure she's had the thought for a bit of time. I just wish she would have told me or given me some sign instead of keeping it to herself.

 

As for NC, I don't plan on contacting her again, but I will definitely reply if she reaches out to me.

[Sugarkane]

No offense but it sounds like an excuse. I'm subscribed to a YouTube channel and the person is a young mum. She studies nursing and had a baby, plus a husband and kids when she started.

[veggirl]

((SD))

 

take a couple weeks to regroup. Don't contact her during this time.

[Mrlonelyone]

SD

 

 

Yes as I said at anything less than two to three years a relationship is very rarely one of "real love". Real love is based on friendship, passion, and emotional intimacy.

 

 

Early on all you have is passion, it is called limmerance. People snap out of it almost overnight.

 

 

It may be, as others have said, she was thinking about this on some level for a while. You not being around for a little while was all it took for her to be totally over you.

 

 

Further, don't rule out another guy being around. Even if she's not really into it with him.

 

 

Also, don't rule out her coming back around to you in a month or two. Don't bank on it, but that does happen. LS has a whole forum about that.

 

 

The best thing you can do is go NC and move on as best you can.

[reddragon588]

Yeah I'm sure she's had the thought for a bit of time. I just wish she would have told me or given me some sign instead of keeping it to herself.

 

100% agreed, but she didn't. This is one of the things she did to contribute to the failure of the relationship. My ex-gf also did the same thing. Your break sounds similar to mine.

 

As for NC, I don't plan on contacting her again, but I will definitely reply if she reaches out to me.

 

Don't reply if she reaches out unless she specifically says she wants to reconcile.

[somedude81]

So I finally got her to admit that she doesn't want to meet up and talk with me. She replied to a text I sent and told me that she isn't trying to do anything to me and that she isn't mad at me. Then she said that I can't catch a hint that she's not up for meeting and talking right now. She said that I have to give things time.

 

Last time I asked to meet up she told me that she was just busy and not that she didn't want to see me, which was obviously a lie.

 

Though I don't know why, I at least now know what is going on.

 

Of course I will not contact her again.

[SJC2008]

Glad to see you're back SD but I obvously wish they were under better circumstances.

[gabgab]

Perhaps next time date someone more mature instead of going for the young hotties you think are better than women your own age. A 30 year old guy dating a 22 year old girl...Im not sure what you expected really.