Just been dumped by my very first girlfriend.

[clia]

No arguments is not necessarily a good thing. Just means that you are not close enough/don't care enough to argue.

 

Oh yes, the only way to show that you really care and are close is to argue all the time. You cannot be serious. It is possible to be compatible with, close enough to, and to care enough about someone that you aren't starting or participating in arguments with them.

[stillafool]

Thanks, but I've heard the, you have to be happy with yourself line, about a thousand times.

 

Now that I know what it's like to be in a relationship, I know I can't be happy alone. All it did was confirm my beliefs that I've always had. Being with somebody makes me happy.

 

I would really like to learn from my relationship, but at this point I don't know what I did wrong. All she told me was that it was her, not me. But I know that I had a huge impact because she didn't fall in love with me like she should have. I need to improve something, but I don't know what.

 

 

I know you've heard it 1000's of times but it is NOT you. This girl was with her ex for 3 years and I don't think she was quite over him when the two of you got together. I'm sure she honestly thinks you are a great guy and a great catch but the timing was wrong. Her lingering feelings for her ex was probably preventing her from feeling more love for you. Now you have had your first relationship and your first breakup. It sucks, doesn't it? Please don't worry as this experience was probably necessary in your life if only to prepare you for the next relationship. It is normal to feel as you do now so grieve, learn and smile because the best really is yet to come.

[Mrlonelyone]

Basically, I had just come back from visiting my parents for Thanksgiving. I was gone a week.

 

When I come back we made plans for her to come over to my place and stay two nights.

 

She gets here, we kiss and start talking about various things. The whole time I'm touching her like normal. Then I squeeze one of her breasts and then she suddenly says, before we do anything, there is something I have to tell you.

 

Then she starts talking about how she feels that her feelings have plateaued (and started to drop) and that she's not in love with me like she feels like she should be after being together six months. I think she mentioned feeling this way for a bit, and me being gone for the week gave her time to think and talk about me to her friends.

 

I was pretty much in shock because I had no idea that anything was wrong at all. We never had a single fight, had plenty of fun, being together was fun as we had many common interests. Sex was great and happened whenever she was here.

 

On average we saw each other only twice a week. She works retail and lives about 50 min from me depending on traffic. This past month she's been working a lot. It's always bugged me that we saw each other so little.

 

I kind of understand what she means by having her feelings plateau. A common thought of mine was that I love her, when she's with me. (Though I would certainly not break up because of this) She told me that she thinks my feelings for her are much stronger than her feelings for me. She also believes that she may not have been single long enough after breaking up with her ex of 3 years. And that she now wants to stay single for a long time.

 

So here I am expecting to have another great day with her, and I ended up getting hit by a bus.

 

 

After six months or even a year or two you are at best in limmerance with someone, not love. Limmerance is also known as the "honeymoon stage". Lots of people rush to the altar during that stage. They do crazy stupid things for "love", especially when young or inexperienced.

 

 

The thing about limmerance is that it can suddenly end. All it takes is a dose of reality about the person you were limmerantly attracted to and it's over. There are stories told of people who were newly wed for a couple of years, who just woke up one day and said .... why am I with this person? Then walked away.

 

 

People will be truly deeply lovey dovey one day then totally blah the next, and break up.

 

 

So while your relationship was profound for you as it was your first know this. Odds are it won't be the last, and it will pale into humor just how trivial it will be compared to one of the right ones for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That said.

 

 

 

 

Thanks, but I've heard the, you have to be happy with yourself line, about a thousand times.

 

Now that I know what it's like to be in a relationship, I know I can't be happy alone. All it did was confirm my beliefs that I've always had. Being with somebody makes me happy.

 

I would really like to learn from my relationship, but at this point I don't know what I did wrong. All she told me was that it was her, not me. But I know that I had a huge impact because she didn't fall in love with me like she should have. I need to improve something, but I don't know what.

 

 

 

This is true..All the BS lines about being happy by yourself are BS. I am sick of being single.

 

As for there not being signs - there ARE always signs. I could see any of my break ups coming miles off. There are subtle shifts in body language, affection, frequency of seeing each other, emotional distance etc etc You just need to learn to read women better.

 

No arguments is not necessarily a good thing. Just means that you are not close enough/don't care enough to argue. And seeing each other twice a week should have built up to more after 6 months.

 

Still, you have learned something I am sure, you got some sexual confidence. You will do better next time.

 

 

 

I agree with this.

 

 

It is better to be in a good relationship than to be alone. It is also better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you miserable and is just a bad habit.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Oh yes, the only way to show that you really care and are close is to argue all the time. You cannot be serious. It is possible to be compatible with, close enough to, and to care enough about someone that you aren't starting or participating in arguments with them.

 

Not what I said. But if you are in a long term relationship and never argue, you are both sweeping some issues under the carpet. I don't beleive that there are zero issues in any relationship.

[Ruby Slippers]

Awww, this sucks.

 

The silver lining is that you've now cleared the major hurdle of having your first relationship, which is a big accomplishment.

[somedude81]

What does "like she should have" mean? You're trying too hard to control things and have an expected outcome, even if it's not one you'd really honestly be happy with in the future.

She's the one who said that she felt she should be in love by now. I don't know why she wasn't.

 

I'm also a big proponent about being able to be happy on your own. You and I have had a lot of fights over this concept. She was a temporary bandage. She held staunch the wound, but the wound is still there, underneath everything.

Yes the wound was still there, but it was healing. My depression and anger issues can get very bad. But now, they are not as bad as it used to be. Normally with this much grief, sadness and anger, I would have broken several things in my apartment. So far I haven't broken anything and it looks like I won't.

 

Being with her let me forget my pain. And it was going away. Unfortunately six months was not long enough. Just long enough for it to really hurt.

I've been through some very bad breakups. Sometimes the first one is the worst, other times it isn't. My first one wasn't nearly as bad as ones I had later. Probably because I was very confident during the first one.

I hope the next one isn't as bad as this.

 

Generally speaking, the happier you are with yourself and your life, the less a breakup is going to hurt. You won't feel like you're a failure, you won't feel like you have to improve anything, and you'll still have an entire life to focus on. You don't have those things, so all you feel now is emptiness. She filled up that emptiness, but no one person can or should be that everything, hon.

That is a great point.

 

Right now my life absolutely sucks. I'm not working but at the very end of my long college career. I'm currently struggling through a very hard class and even with roughly four hours of tutoring 4 days a week, I'm barely scraping by. I've already failed this class twice before and this is my absolute last chance. So that's a lot of stress on me. I also don't have any friends and she was the only person I spent time with and talked to. Before you say anything, I was sure to give her plenty of space and not smother her.

 

Long story short, she was the only source of happiness in my life. One that I've been waiting a very long time for. And no, she didn't know how I truly felt about her on that level.

 

I knew this would happen if you two ever broke up, and I knew you'd be devastated. Trust me, this pain will go away if you honestly take steps toward making it so. But you HAVE to find things in your own life that are totally focused on YOU that make you happy in order to find that peace.

 

What is going on with school? A job? Where you live? What are your hobbies?

If I pass this class, then my next one, which may be even harder than my current one, I'll graduate in May. I could probably look for a job now. I just wonder if I can manage the time and still function in an impossible class. Hobbies, I don't anymore. I can't imagine doing anything without her. I barely have the motivation to play any of the 10 or so video games I bought last week.

 

This girl was just a girl. No matter how special she may have been to you, she's honestly no different than the other 3.5 billion of us. You WILL be ok, but only if you choose to be happy. I know you're a smart guy, and can do it.

She was different because she was the very first girl out of 3.5 billion that actually gave a damn about me and completely opened herself up to me. I've been trying to get a GF since I was 13 and I finally met somebody who turned out to be absolutely amazing, and now she's gone. I can't last another 10 years of being alone.

[Phoe]

You're a smart guy somedude. You know that it's gonna be tough and that all you can do is give it time.

 

I'm another person who believes the first breakup is the hardest. I've gone through 3 and the first one was by far the worst. I was prepared and experienced when the other 2 came along. I knew how to get past it.

[somedude81]

You define what makes you happy. You've clearly defined being in a relationship as what makes you happy. I've done this a lot too. I very much prefer being in a stable relationship to being single. No doubt. But I don't NEED to be in a relationship to be happy. I can still be happy by myself. This is a new development for me, something I've only learned in my most recent breakup.

I've been trying to get a GF for 13 years before it finally happened, and I was absolutely miserable the entire time I was single. Then I finally meet someone, share our lives together, and I'm happy. What other conclusion is there?

My whole life, I've defined my happiness on my relationship status (or lack thereof). The thing is, even when you're in a relationship, you need to draw your happiness from yourself, not from the fact you're in a relationship. If you define yourself on the relationship, rather than yourself, you will become overly co-dependent. You will become boring to your partner and the relationship will become stale.

Eh, I don't agree with this.

 

If anything, the relationship became stale because she was working so much, pretty much every weekend and we couldn't really do anything. Though we still went out a lot.

 

It's cliche as hell, but it's true- you can't love someone else until you love yourself.

I completely disagree 1,010%

 

Before we started dating I practically hated myself. After being together I was definitely starting to fall in love with her. Frankly, I would be in love if I saw her more often.

 

The hate for myself faded away because I had her.

 

Go out, meet new friends, pick up a new hobby, travel, read books, work out. Have fun. Become happy on your own.

Good advice. But right now I'm absolutely drained and just feeling numb.

Women can tell if you're confident. If you define your happiness and confidence on whether or not you're in a relationship, women will pick up on your unhappiness and be drawn away from you.

Again I disagree.

 

If that was true, then we would have never gotten together. Before we got together my confidence was ****, but I took some risks and things just happened. Spending time with her caused my confidence to grow and now I'm better off than before.

 

She has had an amazing and profound affect on me and I'll never forget her.

I wonder if her ex has reappeared and she's going back to him...

Not a chance.

 

He tried a couple of times and she wouldn't have any of it.

 

She's also not the kind to cheat so I truly believe her when she says there is no one else.

I know you've heard it 1000's of times but it is NOT you. This girl was with her ex for 3 years and I don't think she was quite over him when the two of you got together. I'm sure she honestly thinks you are a great guy and a great catch but the timing was wrong.

She said pretty much the same thing.

 

Though why did it take her so long to figure that out?

 

The timing felt perfect to me. Girls like her are only single when they want to be. If I waited till the timing was "right" we would most likely have never gotten together.

 

Why couldn't she just relax and let things play out instead of over thinking it. And that is exactly what she does. She completely over thinks things.

 

Her lingering feelings for her ex was probably preventing her from feeling more love for you. Now you have had your first relationship and your first breakup. It sucks, doesn't it? Please don't worry as this experience was probably necessary in your life if only to prepare you for the next relationship. It is normal to feel as you do now so grieve, learn and smile because the best really is yet to come.

I know it was necessary and there will be more relationships in my life. I just wasn't ready for this one to end. The timing really hurt on this.

 

And yes, as good as this relationship was, there were some flaws about it, and the next one could be much better.

 

@Mrlonelyone

 

You may be right about limmerance vs love. Whatever it was, it was great.

 

We did not make each other miserable.

 

Not what I said. But if you are in a long term relationship and never argue, you are both sweeping some issues under the carpet. I don't beleive that there are zero issues in any relationship.

Yes there were some issues, but they were not important enough to argue about.

 

My main issues were that I didn't see her enough, and twice a week is certainly not enough for a relationship at the six month mark, and another were some sexual things she didn't like doing. None of them were actually worth fighting about.

[nerd]

Why couldn't she just relax and let things play out instead of over thinking it. And that is exactly what she does. She completely over thinks things.

 

But... if you take that logic to an extreme, wouldn't the relationship never end? How was her breaking up with you not 'let[ting] things play out'...

 

I'm not sure there's an obligation from either party to see things into or past the initial passionate stage - if that part is dissatisfying, why would the 'settled' part of it that follows be better than it was with an ex?....

 

Hm. this might be a threadjack.

[somedude81]

But... if you take that logic to an extreme, wouldn't the relationship never end? How was her breaking up with you not 'let[ting] things play out'...

 

I'm not sure there's an obligation from either party to see things into or past the initial passionate stage - if that part is dissatisfying, why would the 'settled' part of it that follows be better than it was with an ex?....

 

Hm. this might be a threadjack.

No, from what I'm starting to realize, her over thinking is exactly what led to the breakup.

 

The relationship would possibly end when it comes to a real issue. At this point there were no serious issues. She also mentioned being tired from working so much and being stressed out.

 

I don't think the passionate stage was dissatisfying at all for either of us. She was just making things more complicated than they should have been.

 

She will be starting nursing school in January, and from what I can tell, she doesn't plan on cutting back on her hours at work at all.

 

I know she's going to completely overexert herself and stress herself out. She's also very stubborn when she puts her mind to something. Unfortunately she caused the relationship to suffer.

[reddragon588]

I've been trying to get a GF for 13 years before it finally happened, and I was absolutely miserable the entire time I was single. Then I finally meet someone, share our lives together, and I'm happy. What other conclusion is there?

 

The most obvious conclusion. You only became unhappy after you made it a mission to find a girlfriend. Look, no one likes being single. Anyone who says otherwise is lying to you, and to themselves. No one likes being single, and how many single people are out there? Millions or billions, right? But there aren't millions or billions of miserable people out there. You can be single and still be happy. You might not want to be single, but that doesn't mean you can't be happy. I don't want to be single right now, I miss the hell out of my ex, and I'm very much looking forward to finding my next love and wish she would hurry the hell up and get in my life but I'm still happy. Because I don't choose to define my happiness on my relationship status. Instead, I realize- I have great friends, I have hobbies I enjoy, I've got a job that puts food on the table and I live in a great apartment in the most beautiful places in the world (in my opinion). I can't control that I don't have a girlfriend right now. I can control a lot of other things though, and that's what you need to focus on!

 

Eh, I don't agree with this.

 

If anything, the relationship became stale because she was working so much, pretty much every weekend and we couldn't really do anything. Though we still went out a lot.

 

It was a general statement. I don't know the details of your relationship. But you do sound somewhat co-dependent (again, don't take this as me being mean, I'm very co-dependent myself), so I'm sure this applies to you at least somewhat. It's good advice to keep anyway. If you can't draw happiness from other sources than simply being in a relationship, you will become boring. "What do you want to do honey?" "Whatever you do! I'm just happy being with you!" "What do you want to do? "I'm just happy being with you!" as opposed to "What do you want to do?" "Let's go to the rodeo- I love horses!" "What do you want to do?" "I want to go surfing- the ocean makes me happy!" If you can't find ways to keep yourself happy, you can't find ways to keep a partner happy.

 

I completely disagree 1,010%

 

Before we started dating I practically hated myself. After being together I was definitely starting to fall in love with her. Frankly, I would be in love if I saw her more often.

 

The hate for myself faded away because I had her.

 

Why do you need someone else to be happy with yourself? You're telling me that if you won the $500 million Powerball lottery, were named the best at your profession in the world by an internationally recognized organization and your favorite sports team won the championship in the same week, you couldn't be happy unless you were in a relationship? That is the definition of co-dependency and it is sooo unhealthy and it's something you need to work on.

 

You are telling yourself you can only be happy when you're in a relationship. You need to find ways to be happy with yourself, with the things you do. It's not healthy to only be able to draw happiness from one source period, let alone from someone else.

 

Good advice. But right now I'm absolutely drained and just feeling numb.

 

Not to toot my own horn, but it's great advice. It's the best advice. Of course you're drained, of course you're numb. Do it anyway. You'll continue to be drained and numb unless you do.

 

Again I disagree.

 

If that was true, then we would have never gotten together. Before we got together my confidence was ****, but I took some risks and things just happened. Spending time with her caused my confidence to grow and now I'm better off than before.

 

She has had an amazing and profound affect on me and I'll never forget her.

 

 

Right, every relationship you've ever had, romantic or platonic, will have that effect on you, or else it won't be worth your time and you won't invest in it.

 

Once you stop defining yourself on your relationship status, or lack thereof, you'll be amazed at how many women will come into your life- and the quality of those women as well.

[Under The Radar]

Hey Somedude81,

 

I just wanted to say how much I admire your composure during this first breakup. I know you have suffered from depression over the years and have wanted more than anything female companionship.

 

I think you are handling this maturely. At no time have you begged or carried on to get her back ...... you have respected her wishes. The tone of your posts are reflective, honest, and kind.

 

I can see how she helped you grow and become happier. I am confident you improved her life in many ways, too.

[kellkell]

One thing about life and happiness is that you can never depend on another person FOR your happiness.

 

It may feel like things won't get better now,having a broken heart is the worst pain. But just like all things in life,things change and you will feel better and you'll meet someone new.

[bubbaganoosh]

Friend. Join the ranks. Think your the only guy that's been burned? Most of the time, guys start getting burned in their teen years and as we get older we get used to it.

 

It happens to all of us. I'm 66 and I've been burned enough times that my nick name could be "Toast". You'll get over it. It just takes time, just don't do anything stupid. Not worth it.

 

Being on the receiving end of a breakup is like getting a cut. Rub dirt on it keep on truckin'

[MrCastle]

SD you can't depend on other people to make you happy. You have to be happy with yourself first, as cliche as it sounds. When you're happy with your life and comfortable with yourself, you don't emotionally depend on others. Giving others the power to influence your mood is dangerous and an unhealthy way to live your life.

 

Partners are supposed to compliment your life, not be your everything. You can't depend on them to make you feel like you're walking on air 24/7. Relationships have ups and downs, and come to an end sometimes. You have to appreciate the good times and move on. Obviously it's painful, but you can't let this destroy your psyche. It certainly isn't gonna destroy hers. She is going to keep living her life. You have to do the same.

 

I know the wound is still fresh, and your reaction is a normal one -- just keep everything in perspective. You are better off now emotionally than you were 7 months ago. You've had a taste of something you thought was never gonna come. No reason why it can't happen again.

Edited December 6, 2013 by MrCastle

[reddragon588]

MrCastle said it perfectly.

 

How great would it be to already be happy, and then find someone who makes you even happier?

[somedude81]

After I wrote my last two posts I got a feeling of clarity.

 

This whole thing that's going on is all because of her and what's she's putting herself through and has very little to do with me.

 

I'm also starting to realize that there is very little I can do. This is what she thinks she wants.

 

For now, I'm going to leave her alone. Though I will send her the Christmas presents I already bought for her with a short note telling her that I miss her. If she contacts me, great. If not. I should still be OK.

[xxoo]

Sorry to hear about your break up, SD. It's very rare for first relationships to be last relationships. Also, she's pretty young, isn't she? So that's another reason that it was unlikely to last forever. I know that doesn't make it easier, but maybe some perspective on the Big Picture.

 

I'm sure you'll get through this break up and have brighter days, and also have an easier time finding the next girlfriend. I know you'll be ok.

[Salvatore85]

Dude it's hard. You need to understand being in a relationship just to be in one isn't a good thing. I spent the last 6 months of a 5 year relationship so much lonelier than I ever was when I was single. If you think being single is bad try being in a relationship but still feeling alone...

[Yasuo]

Take care of yourself and in time, you will get over it.

[funnylilfrog]

Somedude, you'll be OK in time. Our stories are oddly similar -- I'm in my early 30s and I had my first relationship this year. It was only four months but I thought he could've been the one. We got along great, had a lot in common, talked about the future often, and both wanted to settle down soon (or at least he told me that). He broke up with me because he didn't feel romance, that our relationship wasn't where he thought it should be. He over-analyzed his feelings, like your ex.

 

For almost two months after my breakup, I was so depressed. But somehow, by the grace of God, I'm starting to feel pretty good. I accept it now that my ex was not right for me. It's his loss. It's your ex's loss too. Be confident that you'll meet a great woman soon. What you learned from your first relationship will help your next one be even better. Doing new things and changing your routine will help you heal. You need to work on being happy and loving yourself. If you don't love yourself, why would someone else?

[MrBossMan]

Since this was so hard, take some time to rebuild your damaged confidence and to just get yourself together emotionally.

 

It gets easier, trust me.

[reddragon588]

After I wrote my last two posts I got a feeling of clarity.

 

This whole thing that's going on is all because of her and what's she's putting herself through and has very little to do with me.

 

I'm also starting to realize that there is very little I can do. This is what she thinks she wants.

 

For now, I'm going to leave her alone. Though I will send her the Christmas presents I already bought for her with a short note telling her that I miss her. If she contacts me, great. If not. I should still be OK.

 

Suggestion: don't give her the gifts. Read the threads on here about NC don't send her gifts, notes or anything. She wants you out of her life? Fine, get out of her life.

[Eternal Sunshine]

SD, it's usually never about you (unless you cheated or screwed up majorly). Falling in and out of love can't be explained and mostly has to do with the person themselves, their own issues and their own projections.

[Els]

Terribly sorry to hear that, SD.

 

Remember what you said on a previous thread where you were talking about potentially splitting up when you graduate though? You felt that even if it ended, the fact that you managed to get into a R (and 6 months on your very first try is pretty impressive!) would do wonders for your self-esteem and confidence, and make future attempts easier.

 

Well, you were right about that. Chin up, dude. Most of us don't end up with our very first partner. But the experience and life lessons we get from those failed Rs are priceless.