Why am I still with my wife?

[beach]

Did you check the laptop and iPhone after she used it/them? Did you see any evidence that she's communicating with anyone besides strictly work related matters?

 

Start checking!

 

She's not into you - she's not totally into her son either!

 

Find out what/who she's spending her time and energy in. I'd bet it's not all work!

[mik3yc]

Did you check the laptop and iPhone after she used it/them? Did you see any evidence that she's communicating with anyone besides strictly work related matters?

 

Start checking!

 

She's not into you - she's not totally into her son either!

 

Find out what/who she's spending her time and energy in. I'd bet it's not all work!

 

I've been vigilant. I've (ashamedly) snooped just to protect myself if nothing else. Either she's an expert in this field or she's genuinely not got anyone else sniffing around her. Honestly, knowing the person she is, I don't believe there's a 3rd party issue here. When she says she's at work, I know she's at work. She's often asking me to come meet her for lunch at work and things like that. The only two things that consume her time are work and gym. Again, I know she's at the gym when she says she goes, as she always goes with a friend of mine. The work thing does stress her as she's always doing work from home... emails on phone/laptop, and she's fairly open with it, so hasn't got anything to hide....

 

I just think how our current marriage life is, is how she believes it should, and won't do anything to change it. She's an odd one

[beach]

Ok then.

 

You then have two choices:

 

You either stay in the M knowing full well that she doesn't intend to participate with you and your child. That she leaves all the responsibility up to you to run the household - all while being her doormat.

 

Or

 

You divorce and have the chance to be free of a very selfish and self serving woman who mainly makes work and gym her priority.

 

Pick one.

[mik3yc]

Where's option 3... whre she wakes up and sees the bigger picture here before it's too late?

[beach]

Where's option 3... whre she wakes up and sees the bigger picture here before it's too late?

 

The change is up to you.

 

Most people don't "change" while they are all comfortable.

 

She's comfortable! Why should she change? You do everything for the child and house? Why should shoemakers effort?

 

She exhibits poor interaction at home yet you reward her by not changing a thing?

 

 

IF/when she realizes that her doormat isn't going to take her crappy behavior anymore = she MIGHT think about changing.

 

But don't count on it - she's got it easy - and isn't thinking at all about how to make you or the child happy by being a giver!

 

 

She's a taker - and she's matched with a giver (you)! If she on her ow for a while she may realize that balance should have been happening in the M! She MAY wake up - or she may just not care enough to change the way she's participated.

 

 

Stop being the giver! Start changing everything you do! You want a wife - tell her to act like a wife! If she won't change, you have your answer!

[mik3yc]

I've said to her that I don't think she's a good wife. She questioned my definition of it. She believes I want a stay-at-home wife that caters for my every need, does all the chores, cooking, cleaning etc and sleeps with me whenever I want.

 

She says that in her mind, she's a modern, full time working mum/wife, so i'm not going to get the wife she believes I want.

 

I guess the definition of a wife and her duties vary from one person to another...

[beach]

I've said to her that I don't think she's a good wife. She questioned my definition of it. She believes I want a stay-at-home wife that caters for my every need, does all the chores, cooking, cleaning etc and sleeps with me whenever I want.

 

She says that in her mind, she's a modern, full time working mum/wife, so i'm not going to get the wife she believes I want.

 

I guess the definition of a wife and her duties vary from one person to another...

 

That's just her way of distracting the conversation so she doesn't have to commit to changing anything!

 

Seriously, when things are SO lopsided and look the way you've described - ANY new way of participating would be nice, yes?

 

Let's say she truly WAS interested in how YOU feel - how HER selfishness affects you and your child = she would then be needing to look at changing things - and how SHE participates.

 

Lay down a few NEW guidelines that show whether she's willing to change - or not! If she consistently follows through to invoke change - then great!! If no action? = she doesn't intend to improve the marriage/family - and has essentially made the decision for you by not changing.

 

Make a list of what's required to have her participate more! You "do less" and she"does more" to restore some balance to the interaction.

 

First off - have her take care of the child more often! Diapers, feeding and bath time!

 

Put sex on the calendar! Once a week isn't too much to start with! If she won't do it - you have your answer!

 

Her luxuries like gym and working past her usual hours should look like they come AFTER properly taking care of this broken marriage!

 

IF it's going to get fixed or improve = SHE needs to commit to feeding energy into the relationship!

 

If she won't change = divorce her!

 

You keep"talking" to her about it - but it's time for new "action" - action shows intent. Talk doesn't mean a thing - she dismisses you like it's not important - stop allowing that!

[Eivuwan]

I don't think desire for sex from your wife is selfish. Seems that she feels bad about not being involved more, but instead of becoming involved more she distracts herself with work to avoid the situation. Unless you stop enabling her behaviors, she would have no motivation to reduce her avoidance and blame-shifting behaviors.

[beach]

Why was she in Spain for a month?

 

She used your iPad and phone while she was there. Track what activity she logged on both to see who she communicated with and what she spent energy focused on while she was there.

 

Look at it from a perspective of collecting evidence - search numbers dialed. Look for websites she searched. Use the info to gain insight.

[Eggplant]

A relationship takes compromises from both parties, and she isn't making any. Just because she's not in the mood doesn't mean she can't have sex. Also, her crazy reaction to your blow job suggestion indicates that she's got some deep issues, possibly a personality disorder. I don't know whether that was controlling, abusive, or paranoid on her part. But it wasn't rational.

[juicygirl]

I only asked those question because I feel like I was you in my last relationship. I only saw my error once the relationship ended.

 

If she's crying herself to sleep, she knows there's a point and is just hiding out at work. In regards to sex the comments like "oh not this again" is her thinking you nag about it, I'm not saying it unreasonable to want sex from your wife, but that's what those comments mean. She feels unappreciated for some reason or unworthy and possibly both. I'm just listening to the comments she's made " you guys wouldn't notice if I wasn't around", that's her crying out, maybe she doesn't know how to communicate her feelings and needs to you, especially if you've been stuck in this rut for a long time.

 

Sit her down and tell her the true about how you feel. If she really against working on the relationship then it's over.

[Emilia]

I think the worst part is that to me it sounds like she regrets having the baby. For a mother not to bond but actively avoid her child... even if she was going through post natal depression or anything similar it would be still extreme. I don't know what conversations you had about the family before you started it OP but it doesn't sound like she wants it.

 

I'm not sure what hope there is if a person doesn't want her child and spouse.

[dreamingoftigers]

Did you check the laptop and iPhone after she used it/them? Did you see any evidence that she's communicating with anyone besides strictly work related matters?

 

Start checking!

 

She's not into you - she's not totally into her son either!

 

Find out what/who she's spending her time and energy in. I'd bet it's not all work!

 

Honest to God, and this may sound weird: she sounds like a porn addict.

I know that a lot of people would think because shes female that need not apply.

 

But if you look at the other gender, it practically screams it.

 

OP, has she had certain viewing habits in the past etc.?

[oldshirt]

Ok, time for an update. I've also been reading the Primer book people mentioned on here....

 

 

 

 

So you've read the Primer. Have you signed up on the forums at MMSL and told your story and answered the triage questions there? Have you started doing any of their recommendations?

 

What I see from your update is that you have done a lot of talking and complaining about your issues, what have you actually been DOING to get her attraction back????

 

This is going to require actions and not words to turn this around. You cannot talk someone into desiring you. You have to take actions.

 

Have you hit the gym? Hard? I see you babysat while she spent two hours at the gym working up a sweat in her spandex. How about you turn that around from now on and say, "I am heading to the gym a 6. The formula is on the second shelf and don't forget his eardrops" then pack your gym bag and leave and let her figure out how to be mother for a change.

 

As the other posters have said, start shifting these Suzy Homemaker roles to her and you get up on the roof to fix the shingles and get out and start doing more guy stuff.

 

She's not attracted to you because women are attracted to the Lord of the Manor and not to the butler, maid or governess.

 

Don't talk about it, ask for permission for it or work out a complicated plan and ask her to buy in to it, just start doing more manly stuff and have her actually take care of the baby while you do it.

 

IMHO this is a case of loss of desire and sexual response do to gender role reversal. She is the one going out into the world slaying the dragons and bringing home the meat while you are home tending the young and sweeping out the cave. When she gets home you are the one whining you aren't getting enough domestic assistance or attention and appreciation. People can cite women's lib and feminism all they want but unless a woman is an actual lesbian, women simply arent made to be sexually responsive to maids and babysitters, even if the maid and babysitter is her husband.

 

You may be a good looking, sexy guy to any other woman on the street but since the role you are playing to your wife is that of a maid, babysitter and whiner, she has lost masculine respect for you and doesn't see you as a "real man" and she there for can't feel sexual attraction for you.

 

Her brain may tell her she loves you but her vagina can't feel desire for you.

 

This is the type of thing MMSL is very good at addressing and dealing with. Get signed up over there and let them help you formulated a plan to get your balls back on and earn back her respect an desire.

 

This will take many months at minimum of hard work and actions to fix. It's not something that you discuss and talk about to correct.

[bubbaganoosh]

If it was me, the hammer would come down hard. If she cant or won't act in a proper manner then you makes the changes.

 

First off the situation where your sex life stinks and she wont do anything to improve it, then hand her a sheet, blanket and pillow and tell her to sleep in the spare bedroom or the couch because the marital bed is now off limits. If she doesn't want any intimacy the sleep someplace else.

 

Second if her work and her activities are more important then her family then let her know that she's free to continue do it someplace else and not the home.

 

She wants the security of her home life and give nothing back. That's your fault. Let her know that this lifestyle is now null and void and tell her in a way that she understands that you are serious.

 

She has the idea that she can do this without any serious repercussions and why should she do anything to change it. It's up to you to make that change and the longer you let her get away with it, the harder it's going to get.

 

Stop playing her game. She's better at it then you are and she's winning hands down. Time for her to play on a level playing field.

[beach]

What's the update OP? Any new action on your part?

[dreamingoftigers]

I thought about this a lot more.

 

I really think this woman feels unwanted, inadequate and pressured at home.

 

There's just something in the way she communicates that really resonates with me.

 

Like she doesn't "belong" there and is too scared to try.

 

Yet at work they love and appreciate her.

 

My husband and I had a similar household struggle early on because I was raised by a hoarder and a woman who didnt do ANY housework. I didnt understand the value of it nor even know HOW TO do it all.

 

About four years later I went on to run a cleaning service but that was after many changes.

 

When I see OP post up about "why am I even with her?" I bey he reflects similar thoughts and feelings to her. Like "you dont do anything/i do it all/you dont have sex with me/why am i even with you?"

 

Hearing that for months/years will make one feel like a terrible spouse/mother whose only offering is to be a part of the family wallet.

 

Shes found one thing that she does well and so thats how she contributes in to the family.

 

Honestly, i wonder if she even thinks you LIKE her.

 

Do you tell her that you miss her?

Or do you tell her that "she's never there."

 

Do you ask her what she thinks as a parent or do you do things for your son and then tell her "someone had to do it " or "you weren't going to xyz."

[beach]

Even if a woman feels a certain way at home - it's up to her to state that clearly and invoke change.

 

But his wife stated clearly that she likes it this way and doesn't intend to change anything.

 

 

It baffles me that she doesn't interact with her child more. To ignore a

Spouse is one thing - but a baby is odd.

 

 

Her focus isn't on the home, the marriage or the child (from what the OP describes).

 

And no one can force her to BECOME interested.

 

If she intends to focus her time and energy solely on work and the gym = then she should consider being on her own.

 

And that way the OP is free to find a partner in the distant future to be more interactive with family and being interested in participating on a level that suits him ideally.

 

She doesn't look like a good match for his priorities.

 

We have to assume she's not going to change. The change is up to him.

[StumpyNB]

Wow. This thread sounds very similar to what I went through almost 2 years ago. When I found out my wife had been sleeping with a friend of ours for the previous 7 years.

 

Tough love time. She doesn't respect you. Any form of begging in any way will only make it worse. You want ANY chance of saving things, you need to start respecting yourself again. That means filing for divorce, and for primary custody of your child. Maybe she will wake up(doubt it) maybe she'll move in with her bf (more likely), either way, its just a matter of time.

 

You don't get a rebate check at the end of your life for staying with an idiot for a few extra years.

[mik3yc]

Why was she in Spain for a month?

 

She used your iPad and phone while she was there. Track what activity she logged on both to see who she communicated with and what she spent energy focused on while she was there.

 

Look at it from a perspective of collecting evidence - search numbers dialed. Look for websites she searched. Use the info to gain insight.

 

Not a month, only a week, but was a big family thing and I was there also. She used the iPad and phone for work, to facetime her colleagues at work. I've done my snooping, no-ones good enough to have not slipped up by now, there's just nothing to be seen....

 

A relationship takes compromises from both parties, and she isn't making any. Just because she's not in the mood doesn't mean she can't have sex. Also, her crazy reaction to your blow job suggestion indicates that she's got some deep issues, possibly a personality disorder. I don't know whether that was controlling, abusive, or paranoid on her part. But it wasn't rational.

 

I've often thought to myself that she can be quite controlling, but it's interesting to hear someone else suggest that. As someone else said on here, the BJ was almost definitely never going to happen anyway.

 

There is NO option 3. If it were me I would say to her that.......

 

"I feel our marriage is no longer working and the only way to try put it right is to reach a compromise that we are BOTH happy with. I feel we are so far apart right now that we can't do this on our own and that our best bet of salvaging (and then growing) our marriage is with the help of a professional relationship counsellor.

 

Now I know it didn't work before, but how do you expect something to work when you had already made your mind up before you even walked in the door, that 'it is not going to work'. If you are not willing to do this then it tells me all I need to know about you wanting to fight for our marriage. This is not about 'you' this is about 'us'. I want to understand more where you are coming from and a professional will help me with this. I also want to communicate correctly my fears, my doubts, my sadness at how things are turning out in our marriage.

 

Think it over because if the answer is 'no' I feel there is no way forward in this marriage. I don't want to live a life like this and I am very certain neither do you"

 

Now you can't bluff here. You need to be prepared for her to say "ok I've had enough". Here is where you must be strong. You have set a boundary. A fair and healthy boundary. If your wife is not willing to work within this boundary then you must leave or let her leave with NO tears, NO begging or NO harrassing.

 

She needs to understand family comes before work but it's not your job to open her eyes. This is something she must do herself without feeling 'pressurized'. Right now you are behaving like a weak man. 'My wife treats me like crap, but I don't want to leave'. You now need to show strength, even if she declines therapy. Anything less you are letting both you and your son down.

 

Really appreciate this post, given me some real food for thought.

[mik3yc]

I think the worst part is that to me it sounds like she regrets having the baby. For a mother not to bond but actively avoid her child... even if she was going through post natal depression or anything similar it would be still extreme. I don't know what conversations you had about the family before you started it OP but it doesn't sound like she wants it.

 

I'm not sure what hope there is if a person doesn't want her child and spouse.

 

Hmmmm I wouldn't say she regrets it, it was as much her idea as it was mine to have him. She was an amazing mum whilst he was a baby, but once he turned into a toddler, it's almost like she didn't want to know as she was always too busy with work.

 

Honest to God, and this may sound weird: she sounds like a porn addict.

I know that a lot of people would think because shes female that need not apply.

 

But if you look at the other gender, it practically screams it.

 

OP, has she had certain viewing habits in the past etc.?

 

I wouldn't say addict, I probably watch way more than her! She maybe watches it once a month or so (that i'm aware of) judging by internet history.

 

If it was me, the hammer would come down hard. If she cant or won't act in a proper manner then you makes the changes.

 

First off the situation where your sex life stinks and she wont do anything to improve it, then hand her a sheet, blanket and pillow and tell her to sleep in the spare bedroom or the couch because the marital bed is now off limits. If she doesn't want any intimacy the sleep someplace else.

 

Second if her work and her activities are more important then her family then let her know that she's free to continue do it someplace else and not the home.

 

She wants the security of her home life and give nothing back. That's your fault. Let her know that this lifestyle is now null and void and tell her in a way that she understands that you are serious.

 

She has the idea that she can do this without any serious repercussions and why should she do anything to change it. It's up to you to make that change and the longer you let her get away with it, the harder it's going to get.

 

Stop playing her game. She's better at it then you are and she's winning hands down. Time for her to play on a level playing field.

 

A proper manner? In her eyes, she sees herself as a full time worker/part time mum. But problem is, work tires/stresses her out so much, so all she wants to do in an evening is collapse and rest, and on weekends, she wants a bit of "me" time as she's been at work all week.... And yes, I know exactly what you're thinking right now... she should go back to the single life if she wants that!

 

Sometimes I think to myself, because I work shifts (more hours than her at the office over the course of a month), I'm home way more than her. So to some extent, if chores need to be done, and i'm home, why shouldn't I do them? Would that expectation be there if the roles were reversed? Probably, yes.

 

What's the update OP? Any new action on your part?

 

I've not seen much of her this week due to different shifts, but still deciding the best and initial course of action. Got some good ideas on here in the past few days alone, so thank you very much for that... kinda serves the purpose of writing this thread!

 

I thought about this a lot more.

 

I really think this woman feels unwanted, inadequate and pressured at home.

 

There's just something in the way she communicates that really resonates with me.

 

Like she doesn't "belong" there and is too scared to try.

 

Yet at work they love and appreciate her.

 

When I see OP post up about "why am I even with her?" I bey he reflects similar thoughts and feelings to her. Like "you dont do anything/i do it all/you dont have sex with me/why am i even with you?"

 

Hearing that for months/years will make one feel like a terrible spouse/mother whose only offering is to be a part of the family wallet.

 

Shes found one thing that she does well and so thats how she contributes in to the family.

 

Honestly, i wonder if she even thinks you LIKE her.

 

Do you tell her that you miss her?

Or do you tell her that "she's never there."

 

Do you ask her what she thinks as a parent or do you do things for your son and then tell her "someone had to do it " or "you weren't going to xyz."

 

You're right. I do feel like the only time she lifts a finger and does anything, is when i'm at work. When we are at home together, she barely does anything, other than a monthly spring clean of the flat. I do tell her than I love her and I miss her, but whenever I ask if she's missed me or our son, she says she's been too busy to sit and think about missing anyone.

 

his wife stated clearly that she likes it this way and doesn't intend to change anything.

 

It baffles me that she doesn't interact with her child more. To ignore a

Spouse is one thing - but a baby is odd.

 

Her focus isn't on the home, the marriage or the child (from what the OP describes).

 

If she intends to focus her time and energy solely on work and the gym = then she should consider being on her own.

 

Yeah, the child ignorance is what baffles me completely. surely it's him that's missing out as much as her?

[Buckeye2]

We've talked and talked until the cows come home... the reality is, she says nothing is going to change, she doesn't want me to leave, but if i'm that unhappy, I should just go. She's not gonna change, as she has the life she wants. I do everything for her, why should she?

 

At work, she's very much the golden girl who can do no wrong. the bosses love her. So in my mind, she goes from being the woman that everybody loves during the week, to coming home and being the woman that her child and partner no longer recognise. Goes without saying she'd prefer to be at work!

 

Why don’t you rock her world with a bluff. Tell her that you want a divorce. The courts always give full custody to the mom and you won’t fight it. A son needs to know his mom and this might be the only way for it to happen.

 

Then she might realize you are the only reason she can work all those hours at her golden job and not take you for granted. No wonder her bosses love her. She works all those hours for free.

[oldshirt]

Why don’t you rock her world with a bluff. Tell her that you want a divorce. The courts always give full custody to the mom and you won’t fight it. A son needs to know his mom and this might be the only way for it to happen.

 

Then she might realize you are the only reason she can work all those hours at her golden job and not take you for granted. No wonder her bosses love her. She works all those hours for free.

 

There is some wisdom to this unfortunately. Even if it were shared custody she would still hav to deal with the kid and take time off when he is sick and find a sitter when needed to be somewhere. She would have to interact with him and be responsible for him on her custodial days.

 

She would have to furnish, upkeep and pay for her own place. Find her own ride to work when th battery in her car craps out unexpectedly and be up with the kid in the middle of the night by herself when he is sick.

 

And all of this can be hers because she didn't want her husband touching her, kissing her, loving her up and giving her orgasms.

 

Me thinks giving her a little taste of that lifestyle might make her realize that having some orgasms may not be such a big price to pay after all.

 

Now it's his responsibility of course to make sure she is having good orgasms but my point is if she had a taste of what it will be like as a single mother, being a married, sexually engaged mother might not look so bad by comparison.

[oldshirt]

Why don’t you rock her world with a bluff.

 

......except I never advocate bluffing. If you're not ready, willing and able to actually do it, then you don't have a leg to stand on.

[Buckeye2]

......except I never advocate bluffing. If you're not ready, willing and able to actually do it, then you don't have a leg to stand on.

 

He is such a devoted father that she wouldn’t consider this in her wildest dreams. That’s why she is so secure and thinks she can get away with all that crap.

 

Even if he backs off after a bit, it should at least get her to thinking about what she would do without him. He will be no worse off.

Edited January 17, 2014 by Buckeye2