In A Unexpected Situation [AP pregnant]

[lilmisscantbewrong]

As an attempt to answer your question and be helpful, I advise that you come clean with your wife. If you want your marriage at all then you need to end things forever with this OW and have no contact with her....this will be hard because if you are this baby's father then you DO OWE child support legally, regardless of what one might feel morally.

 

Your wife will be hurt beyond what you can imagine. If you truly want her and your marriage you will do whatever it takes for HER.

 

I agree with most of this, but if this is his baby the child should know his/her father. He helped create the mess, he has responsibility here. This is the nc exception in my opinion.

 

You should tell your wife what to expect, because it WILL come out. I was pregnant with xMOM's child and lost the baby. Maybe at the time it was out of pain, but I wanted both he and his BS to know. He needed to know the damage he caused not only to his BS, but to me and to my husband as well (and yes I accept my responsibility), but at that point, when I was miscarrying, kind of hard for my husband not to notice something was up.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I agree with most of this, but if this is his baby the child should know his/her father. He helped create the mess, he has responsibility here. This is the nc exception in my opinion.

 

You should tell your wife what to expect, because it WILL come out. I was pregnant with xMOM's child and lost the baby. Maybe at the time it was out of pain, but I wanted both he and his BS to know. He needed to know the damage he caused not only to his BS, but to me and to my husband as well (and yes I accept my responsibility), but at that point, when I was miscarrying, kind of hard for my husband not to notice something was up.

 

 

Legally, he only has a financial responsibility. You can not order a parent to be involved emotionally.

 

Wanting both your xMOM and his BS no less, to acknowledge your pain...was your pain talking. Pain is very selfish and can be cruel to others. Kinda harsh way to treat the BS, who is in their own pain. I guess the need to trump everyone else's pain was too hard to resist.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Legally, he only has a financial responsibility. You can not order a parent to be involved emotionally.

 

Wanting both your xMOM and his BS no less, to acknowledge your pain...was your pain talking. Pain is very selfish and can be cruel to others. Kinda harsh way to treat the BS, who is in their own pain. I guess the need to trump everyone else's pain was too hard to resist.

 

Of course you can't - that's not what I'm saying. But that would be the morally right thing to do.

 

And you cannot know everything in my situation - we never do - so you can't judge other people's choices in how to deal with anything. It had nothing to do with the BS and everything to do with him - it was up to him to tell her and actually his counselor recommended he tell her and he did. Did I want him to feel pain? Absolutely I did - I was in pain and I felt like he was at least half responsible so he needed to accept his role in it at all.

 

Why is it that it would have been the right thing for my husband and I to deal with it (and it wasn't his child) and xmom not know at all??? That absolutely makes no sense.

 

Sorry - I'm kinda angry today

Edited December 3, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[compulsivedancer]

What exactly do you want to do? I have my suggestions but I'm interested to know what you hope to achieve. Also, it's kind of funny that you say you love your wife and yet have been having an affair. That's not exactly loving husband stuff.

 

As far as which forum this should be in, Infidelity seems right. He isn't really an Other Man... he's the Married Man in this situation. Either forum is good I guess.

 

Facepalm! I always make that mistake.

 

A lot of the OM/OW are also WS; I forget that not all WS are OM/OW too!

 

That forum deals with pregnancy a lot more than the Infidelity forum, which was the main thing I was thinking. When it touches this forum, it's usually from the perspective of the BS finding out the OW is pregnant.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Of course you can't - that's not what I'm saying. But that would be the morally right thing to do.

 

And you cannot know everything in my situation - we never do - so you can't judge other people's choices in how to deal with anything. It had nothing to do with the BS and everything to do with him - it was up to him to tell her and actually his counselor recommended he tell her and he did. Did I want him to feel pain? Absolutely I did - I was in pain and I felt like he was at least half responsible so he needed to accept his role in it at all.

 

Why is it that it would have been the right thing for my husband and I to deal with it (and it wasn't his child) and xmom not know at all??? That absolutely makes no sense.

 

Sorry - I'm kinda angry today

 

Its okay...you can be angry..I don't take it personally.

 

See, I don't think that it is the right thing for your husband to have to deal with it. He has zero responsibility in any regard, except of course the real possibility that the courts (because he was your husband) would have made a judgement of child support against him.

 

Like I said, pain is selfish. Everyone feels their pain, so it feels more real, more intense. Its hard for people to afford those same levels of pain to another. Even more so, when we are the one that caused it.

 

Everyone wants their pain acknowledged, even in situations when it is self inflicted.

 

I also think it was wrong to want your xMOM to be a part of your pain. It is looking to him to validate that pain...to validate you. Usually, the same reason why the affair starts to begin with.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Its okay...you can be angry..I don't take it personally.

 

See, I don't think that it is the right thing for your husband to have to deal with it. He has zero responsibility in any regard, except of course the real possibility that the courts (because he was your husband) would have made a judgement of child support against him.

 

Like I said, pain is selfish. Everyone feels their pain, so it feels more real, more intense. Its hard for people to afford those same levels of pain to another. Even more so, when we are the one that caused it.

 

Everyone wants their pain acknowledged, even in situations when it is self inflicted.

 

I also think it was wrong to want your xMOM to be a part of your pain. It is looking to him to validate that pain...to validate you. Usually, the same reason why the affair starts to begin with.

 

So I have a miscarriage in silence with no one else knowing? Even the father of the child - sorry I disagree entirely.

 

Once again - the man gets off scott free while the woman suffers the most. It's like the scarlet letter. And that seems to be okay for everyone - ridiculous.

Edited December 3, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[Spark1111]

I bet she did it on purpose to tie you down. She wants you to leave your W and is blackmailing you. Great girl you got yourself there!

 

I read on an infidelity sight advice to OW, and believe it or not, Rule #1 was:

 

DO NOT GET PREGNANT hoping that will keep you MM in your life or force him to leave his wife and be with you.

 

I was floored by this, but apparently it is fairly common. It is often used to trap a man and has been called the oldest trick in the book when it comes to manipulation of the male species.

 

The personality disordered females often lie about it....fabricate it completely to keep a waffling man from waffling away from them.

 

Plus, it is a great tool to ratchet up the drama, histrionics, start an emotional connection and continue to fuel those....sigh....unrequited love lust hormones...

 

.....just saying

[William]

Thread starter, feel free to alert moderation if/when you choose to engage respondents here. In the meantime, thread closed. Thanks everyone for your participation.