How do you live with potentially crushing someone?

[d0nnivain]

I would remind her that she broke up with you & that she doesn't trust you. I would also point out that she lied to you.

 

 

Good luck.

 

 

I meant what I said about changing the locks & paying to have her stuff moved. I paid the moving company & gave my EX "a loan" of $500 to move out. I put loan in quotes because even as he was saying it, I knew that was just the last in a long line of lies he ever told me. Although I didn't really have the money at that point it was still a small price to pay to be rid of him.

[Zahara]

That's correct. Tonight... is going to suck. Hope to god I can just get through it and make it to tomorrow.

 

I have to say this, Chris. If you don't -- then you need to learn to live with it, learn to accept abuse and stop complaining and venting. You either do something about it or live with it.

 

Don't be that battered woman that sits in the corner and tolerates abuse because she feels sorry for her abuser.

[ChrisDrew]

If you have had a hard time ending things in past relationships even when it was bad, you could be co-dependent. A fixer. You'll stay and tolerate and try to fix the other person even if it's breaking you to pieces.

 

That does sound like me. It's bizarre, when it comes to work and travel and school and family and life in general I'm determined and confident as all hell, but when it comes to relationships I stick around wayyy too long, always determined that "I'm gonna fix this", when looking back to my first two long-term relationships I should have walked away a year or more earlier. This one is no different. Need to do some hard thinking about why I can't just accept that some things I can't fix -- and shouldn't try.

 

I would remind her that she broke up with you & that she doesn't trust you. I would also point out that she lied to you.

 

Good luck.

 

I meant what I said about changing the locks & paying to have her stuff moved. I paid the moving company & gave my EX "a loan" of $500 to move out. I put loan in quotes because even as he was saying it, I knew that was just the last in a long line of lies he ever told me. Although I didn't really have the money at that point it was still a small price to pay to be rid of him.

 

Don't think she's lied to me recently except for breaking into my laptop, but yes, she's absolutely been known to lie. Very, very badly.

 

As she's going to have to move with potentially no job on Feb 1, I've been thinking of transferring her £500 for rent to help her move on -- and also help me feel like I've done all I can. Then yes -- absolutely having the locks changed. I'll be there tonight when she's packing, just want it to be over and done with.

 

I hope this is at least a lesson to others: don't ever go back and try to make something that was bad before "work" again. It just won't, the people who caused the problems haven't changed, and you only end up hurting each other even more.

 

Poor girl. Gah. I so hate that it has to be this way. Gonna miss her so much, and just feel like a terrible f'ing person.

 

 

Yeah, I'm doing it, Zahara.

[Zahara]

Read up on co-dependency. It will help you connect the dots as to why you do the things you do -- it will also help you realize that doing the healthy thing doesn't make you a horrible person. Co-dependency makes you prioritize the issues, the lives, the needs, the wants of everyone else but yourself. Do some soul searching once you put this behind you.

 

Be prepared -- she's going to cry, rant, scream -- call you every name in the book, blame you for her shortcomings, beg you, insult you -- it's a cycle and as bad as you will feel, you must come to the acceptance that taking her back won't change a thing. It will only enable it. You have to put a stop to it.

 

You're not a terrible person. Again, you keep focusing how she is going to feel when you've clearly put aside the many times YOU have felt so terrible by her abuse. When does she start to feel terrible about how she treats you? Prioritize YOU. Letting her go may potentially wake her up and push her to do something about her issues. Coddling her, won't.

[ChrisDrew]

Ughhhh, she just called and sounded quiet and sad and tired and so kind and caring, seems her job agency wants to meet with her tomorrow and they said they have a bunch of new positions so she's hopeful.

 

This is just the worst situation.

[Zahara]

Ughhhh, she just called and sounded quiet and sad and tired and so kind and caring, seems her job agency wants to meet with her tomorrow and they said they have a bunch of new positions so she's hopeful.

 

This is just the worst situation.

 

Of course she sounds sad, tired, kind and caring. Then tomorrow when you're a little late in getting home, you're the worst asswhole ever? Yes?

 

Stop the timidness. It's unbecoming.

 

My uncle used to behave this way. My aunt would yell and scream at him and he would cower and hide like a wet cat. It was the most unattractive thing to see a man being emasculated that way and accepting it.

[Haydn]

Zahara is correct. I was very put upon by my ex. Its a circle you have to break friend.

 

 

Of course she sounds sad, tired, kind and caring. Then tomorrow when you're a little late in getting home, you're the worst asswhole ever? Yes?

 

Stop the timidness. It's unbecoming.

 

My uncle used to behave this way. My aunt would yell and scream at him and he would cower and hide like a wet cat. It was the most unattractive thing to see a man being emasculated that way and accepting it.

[ChrisDrew]

Zahara is correct. I was very put upon by my ex. Its a circle you have to break friend.

 

 

 

I know. I didn't say I was backing down. It's just not going to my favorite day of the year.

[Zahara]

I know. I didn't say I was backing down. It's just not going to my favorite day of the year.

 

But start believing that you're doing this for all the right reasons. Start believing that you deserve better. If you keep staying in "i'm a shytt person" mode, you're probably going to back down by tonight. Start feeling confident and believing in your resolve and accepting it as the best solution for you, and her.

 

And I bet all the days she cussed you out and treated you like something under her shoe weren't your favorite days of the year either. Taking this one step is by far more tolerable than all the days she has abused you.

[d0nnivain]

Don't think she's lied to me recently except for breaking into my laptop, but yes, she's absolutely been known to lie. Very, very badly.

 

.

 

 

She lied to you for a whole month when she didn't tell you she'd been fired.

 

 

the guy I kicked out was down on his luck too but at some point I came to realize that I couldn't "save" him nor was it my responsibility to do so. After all the histrionics which preceded the break up when it came down to it I was so calm because he had lied to me in a big way, he could tell by the tone of my voice that I was just done. He didn't even argue or plead. The only thing he asked was could he stay 1 more week to get his stuff together & would I drive him to the AP.

[ChrisDrew]

I did the deed. Emotional as hell. Said it wasn't her it's us, we both play off each other in the worst way. Said I love her so much but it will never work between us, we'll never be happy, we both need someone more stable to calm us down, we'd be miserable as hell, forever.

 

She took it well, all things considered. Think she had been expecting it. She's going to go home on Friday to her country for an indefinite stay with friends. She seemed understanding, given the circumstances. I'm expecting her to get angrier in the next day or two and send some nasty texts or emails. Or maybe she'll just let it go.

 

I feel worse now than I can remember. Already miss her like all hell. Despite all the insanity she did have many, many things about her I absolutely adored and never saw before in anyone else... when she was good she was so spontaneous and caring and funny and so my type... but then I force myself to remember the insanity.

 

I will not go back but man... is it this bad for everyone doing a breakup? I've broken up with two LTRs before and always walked away thinking "thank god THAT'S over" but not feeling that today. I just need to hear that I did the right thing and shouldn't have tried to stick with it, tried to get us counselling, tried to keeping f'ing fixing it. God I must sound like a broken record.

 

Please tell me I did the right thing.

Edited January 15, 2014 by ChrisDrew

[Zahara]

Toxic relationships are harder to detach from because you're left with a broken sense of self -- you've been conditioned/broken down through abuse, control and manipulation. You can't tell what's wrong or right, up from down. Dysfunction makes people cling harder, work harder, feel harder, try harder -- the drama heightens emotions creating an even more difficult bond to break.

 

It's understandable that you feel sad because you once had a relationship with this woman. She may have had qualities about her that no one else had but I would also have to say that I am sure women from your past never abused you -- never tore you down -- never insulted you? She could be the most fantastic woman, but if she's not nurturing you emotionally and mentally, nothing else matters.

 

Grieve the relationship but do not for once blame yourself for anything that has happened. If the right thing is removing yourself from a toxic situation, then yes, you did the right thing.

[d0nnivain]

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!

 

 

You are looking at the relationship through rose colored glasses. take them off & focus on the bad for a while. The good memories can come back later

[ChrisDrew]

Nah, not rose colored glasses, fully aware that it was the right move and that there were some really bad times. Just missing her, how affectionate she was, all the in-jokes and good times. Somewhere out there there's a universe where she didn't have the problems she did, I had more patience and understanding, we communicated better and got counselling and worked through this and ended up really damn happy.

 

But this isn't that universe, it wasn't meant to be, and life moves on.

 

Most of all I need to embrace all the great, "normal" things that can now return to my life... long conversations and dinners with friends without needing to constantly "check in" to make sure someone isn't angry about lack of attention... travel to see family and others important to me... going to the gym regularly and get back in shape without getting in trouble for not being home early enough... can stay at work on Friday evening for a beer or two with my new coworkers without it being seen as a betrayal... can go to the grocery store and get stuff for dinner without worrying I'm going to get the wrong thing and cause an hourlong fight because "I don't listen".

 

The sun's out in London today. Spring is coming. Thanks for all the support, helpful random internet people.

[sw2020]

Well done dude.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

You did the right thing. It feels wrong but anytime you detach yourself from someone who was such a big part of your life it will feel wrong. Once this stage passes, you will feel better and better about your decision.

 

Good, luck and stay strong. You needed to do this.

Edited January 16, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove

[ChrisDrew]

You did the right thing. It feels wrong but anytime you detach yourself from someone who was such a big part of your life it will feel wrong. Once this stage passes, you will feel better and better about your decision.

 

Good, luck and stay strong. You needed to do this.

 

Thanks, that helps. It definitely makes it easier that she's both furious right now and actually acting super suspicious. After our talk she wanted to walk back to my place to get most of her things, as she'd decided to fly home today to be with her friends and family for a few weeks. While I was waiting in the other room, she asked me where her set of keys were, then started insisting that she didn't have them, and wanted to borrow mine until the next day. I refused, and said her keys must be around, and we're not leaving until you find them. I went in the other room to look and when I came back -- whoa -- they're were right there on the dresser the whole time!

 

I got angry asking why she hid them and just put them back, and she insisted she didn't despite me having actually picked up a mug right next to the keys recently when I was looking for them and didn't see them.

 

Now yesterday she came by for the rest of her things, and to leave the keys. When they were "found" I'd noticed that she actually had three keys, one to my building and two to the door to my flat. When I came home yesterday she had left behind the keys as promised, but only one of the two keys to my flat were there. I asked her today about it and she insisted I only ever gave her two keys. I clearly remember picking up the two identical flat keys and comparing them and going "hmmmm". So she must have kept one unless I'm going absolutely nuts. So now I gotta change the locks.

 

She's flying out now, also deleting her off FB and blocking her on Whatsapp to help reduce stalking and ease the transition. Told her in advance and said we both needed it. Gotta end all of the insanity. It makes things easier to move on when I get such clear evidence that I'm not nuts and this really is for the best but man... why do people have to make things so much harder than life needs to be?