How do you live with potentially crushing someone?

[ChrisDrew]

Just BU with her. Then go NC and never get sucked into this toxicity again. Stop thinking so much. Cav

 

Thanks. I needed that.

 

Sounds like she is an alcoholic (or well on her way) and the majority of her anger comes out when under the influence.

Some people just don't need to drink because of these reasons and she definitely needs to recognize her problem in order for her to be happy with anyone.

 

I think you should tell her point blank that she has a problem (whether it's anger issues or alcoholism-or BOTH) & advise her to seek counseling or read a few self help books, stop drinking...SOMETHING. Then you need to break up with her, go NC and be happy again.

 

That too. Though I've been drinking way more recently. Only on weekends but it's like I can't get enough. Just trying to hide in the bottle I guess. Never a good sign. I left for business last Weds, haven't thought about drinking since. I fly back on Friday, we'll see how it goes.

Edited December 4, 2013 by ChrisDrew

[Simon Phoenix]

Like a band-aid -- rip it right off. You are way overthinking this and you aren't responsible for being her parent, guardian and lover. You are miserable, she is miserable, stop dawdling, be an adult and end it.

[Kizmet Fisher]

I would not want to be walking in your shoes OP, this is an all round terrible situation. You really do need to break up with this girl though, the longer you stay with her the more bitter and resentful you'll become. You seem like a nice guy who really likes to do the right thing by people, but the right thing in your situation is to kick her to the curb. You probably aren't the first guy she acted this way with, and you definitely won't be the last. Don't do this to yourself.

 

Also, a bit of advice for when you do eventually break up with her. No contact is going to be key! This girl seems like a complete *********, and is going to be a terrible ex until she finds the next guy to make miserable. We're talking late night phone calls, abusive txts, cyber stalking any girl who likes one of your facebook statuses, the works. Block her from your phone, social media, and most importantly, your life.

[ChrisDrew]

I would not want to be walking in your shoes OP, this is an all round terrible situation. You really do need to break up with this girl though, the longer you stay with her the more bitter and resentful you'll become. You seem like a nice guy who really likes to do the right thing by people, but the right thing in your situation is to kick her to the curb. You probably aren't the first guy she acted this way with, and you definitely won't be the last. Don't do this to yourself.

 

Also, a bit of advice for when you do eventually break up with her. No contact is going to be key! This girl seems like a complete *********, and is going to be a terrible ex until she finds the next guy to make miserable. We're talking late night phone calls, abusive txts, cyber stalking any girl who likes one of your facebook statuses, the works. Block her from your phone, social media, and most importantly, your life.

 

 

 

Yeah, well, little update here.

 

 

So after she made some comment about a guy breaking up with a friend of hers, and how AWFUL it was for him to do it "just before Christmas!", I just couldn't do the same. As I said, she has no friends in the city we're in (a few back where she grew up), her parents are cold as hell (they've never exchanged Xmas gifts in the last 20 years), and her job was pretty bad - restaurant manager with a boss she'd been tense with.

 

I just couldn't bring myself to drop her into the wind with all that going on just before the holiday, and swore I'd do my best to cheer her up and fix things. Told my parents I was staying with her for Christmas, got a ton of gifts and games we could play together while staying in, etc. etc.

 

 

Christmas came and went, and like all our relationship, it had severe ups and downs. Sometimes it was fantastic, cuddling in front of the tv while it was freezing out, drinking and cooking, laughing, playing the games.

 

 

But then the downs kept happening, again and again and again, and I don't think she could even see them. Fights about absolutely nothing, over and over. I put together a big Christmas treasure hunt for her with a series of clues, one even delivered via a floating shark, and at the end was a box of a dozen framed photos of us -- something she said I never cared about. Also gave her a top of the line, sleek portable Bose stereo so she could listen to her house tunes at home or in the park. But at the end she was upset and accusing me of not thinking about her, that I didn't put enough thought into the gifts.

 

New Year's Eve I had a five friends over for dinner and drinks, we all had a good time, but I had this awful feeling the whole time that she would blow up again in front of my friends. I told her and she assured me everything was fine, we got pretty wasted and had a good time. I got tired though, and around 1:30am the friends all left and as soon as they did, she launched into a totally random 90-minute tirade about what an ******* I am, how they left because everyone hates me, how she's going to pack and leave and go home, on and on and on. I didn't even get angry in return, I just let her rant and then pulled her to bed and went to sleep.

 

 

The next morning, Jan 1, she was all apologies. But then I got a text from a close female friend I went to school with, we have a lot of mutual respect and care but it's very platonic. Yet my g/f saw the text in the middle of watching a movie, demanded to read it, then flipped out and stormed into the other room. I followed and she was angry again, and I lost it trying to tell her to calm down, but she wouldn't, until I finally was so completely pissed off by her own inability to control herself that I ironically lost it myself and punched a hole in the wall.

 

I just couldn't bring myself to dump her on the first day of the new year, as bad as things were.

[ChrisDrew]

Since New Year's she had continued being so up and down that I was almost going insane. On Friday we had plans to cook dinner and watch movies, nothing special but sounded nice. On Friday at 4pm I was feeling very stressed about work, so I texted her that I was going to hit the gym for 45 minutes then come home. Her response: "Oh, that's fine, why don't we just cancel ALL our f***ing plans??". We have another fight.

 

This goes on all weekend. Constant battles about absolutely nothing. I finally take her aside and tell her I can't deal with all the ups and downs and need her to help create some stability or I'm gonna go insane. She says okay, Saturday is pretty good, but then Saturday night, halfway though a movie, she wants to stop and tell me how upset she is that I said that to her. More arguing.

[ChrisDrew]

Sorry for the long posts. Almost done. Really just need to vent, feeling so lost here.

 

Yesterday I'm at work and can't stop thinking about how much I need to escape. I just want my friends back. My life back. Calmness back. Stability. Normalcy. Happiness. I know I can't ever find it with her, but I'm doing the best I can. But 5pm yesterday she calls and says I need to come home NOW, she's upset, and "it might be over between us". I have another hour or two of work left, but I go home intending to finish there depending on whatever's up.

 

 

Turns out she'd remember my laptop's password from when I gave it to her over New Year's to play some music, and logged in and read all my emails. One of the emails was an invite to birthday drinks with some school friends tonight that a female friend set up, and which I'd already told her I was going to. I'd said I was going, it was just a school friend thing, and she'd been fine with it. But somehow because I didn't mention it was "birthday" drinks she lost her **** and I came home to find her packing her bags. Long, insane argument where I'm trying to explain to her how wrong it is to go through my laptop, and she keeps screaming that I'm a liar and untrustworthy.

 

 

I finally decide I need to just let her go, this is the perfect time to let her go, and do, but then suddenly she can't find the set of keys to my place she has, and won't leave without them so she can come back for the rest of her stuff the next day.

 

I say no, and finally she needs to tell me "one more thing". She's lost her restaurant job five times in the past two years, and it seems that a month ago, her boss gave her her notice, and yesterday was in fact her last day of work. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to be upset with me or take pity on me". In all this time where she knew she'd lost her job and didn't tell me, she'd not only been starting fights like crazy, but she'd also not bothered to look for a new job.

 

 

Still upset about her going through my laptop and basically lying to me about having a job for a month, it was really hard to feel sympathy, and I still wanted out. But then she starts crying and begging, saying I can't leave her when she needs me most, I can't, and I relented. She stayed over, and was crying about how awful everything is between us and her job, and how awful of a person I am for "not being there right when [she] needs me most". I just want to be away from the insanity, the craziness, the mood swings, the lack of trust. I just want a normal life again.

 

 

But I really don't want to drop her in the dirt as soon as I find she's lost her job.

 

 

 

 

Someone tell me, please -- what is "the right thing to do" here? I'm losing my mind. Apologies again for all the length.

[ThatMan]

Does anyone else have experience with this kind of insanity? Did you get through it? Massive apologies for the long-winded post but just had to get it all out. Thanks much for listening.

It seems like you feel trapped. Is that accurate?

[ChrisDrew]

It seems like you feel trapped. Is that accurate?

 

 

 

So trapped, man. I want so badly to be free of all this yet also just can't see how I can drop the girl when she just lost her job and is desperately trying to find another while worrying about how she's gonna pay rent.

[ThatMan]

It seems like you feel trapped. Is that accurate?

Okay. I typed this as the previous message was being posted.

 

The situation will continue to escalate. You are not her parent, her caregiver, or her babysitter. She has to take care of herself. Rather than accept that she is hapless and you are forced to care for her, let her move on, to whatever that might so happen to be.

 

It doesn't matter that she lost her job. She needs to be out. Maybe to a shelter, the next victim she wants to shame into staying with, whatever the case might be.

[ChrisDrew]

Okay. I typed this as the previous message was being posted.

 

The situation will continue to escalate. You are not her parent, her caregiver, or her babysitter. She has to take care of herself. Rather than accept that she is hapless and you are forced to care for her, let her move on, to whatever that might so happen to be.

 

It doesn't matter that she lost her job. She needs to be out. Maybe to a shelter, the next victim she wants to shame into staying with, whatever the case might be.

 

That's easy to say but have you ever been in an almost three year relationship, spending the vast majority of that time with one person, getting to know all their ins and outs and happinesses and insecurities, wanting them to be happy so bad and caring about them deeply, yet finally despite all of this not knowing how you can go on because they make your life so insane? And you know that telling them that is just going to crush their joy of life for a very long time?

 

I just don't see how I can throw that much salt on her wound RIGHT when the wound is so fresh. I'm not at all leaving just because she lost her job, but how do I live with myself walking away from someone I was so close to right when they're in such a desperate time?

Edited January 14, 2014 by ChrisDrew

[ThatMan]

That's easy to say but have you ever been in an almost three year relationship, spending the vast majority of one person all that time, getting to know all their ins and outs and happinesses and insecurities, wanting them to be happy so bad and caring about them deeply, yet despite all of this not knowing how you can go on because they make your life so insane?

 

I just don't see how I can throw that much salt on her wound RIGHT when the wound is so fresh. I'm not at all leaving just because she lost her job, but how do I live with myself walking away from someone I was so close to right when they're in such a desperate time?

Yes.

I have been in nearly your exact situation, actually.

Should you leave just because she lost her job? Maybe because she has insecurities? There are many possible reasons why people walk away from any given relationship. What possible reasons do you have to leave?

 

You should leave because this is toxic. She is ruining your self-esteem, health, and life.

 

You should leave because she will try to pull you down with her and drown you. Every twelve-step program in existence will tell you to walk away from these relationships if you do not already have a life jacket. These relationships do not help either party, both spouses struggle to stay afloat, maybe they succeed by the skin of their teeth for a moment, and then each spouse drowns together.

 

You should leave because she'll always be in a desperate time.

 

You should leave because she'll quickly learn to use this desperation to trap you into her life.

 

You should leave before threats are made and violence occurs.

 

You should leave because it's the right thing to do for yourself.

[sw2020]

Dude, sounds like you're in hell. I'd recommend going to this site and reading the forums. Borderline Personality Disorder - Support group for families and relationship partners

 

You'll find a lot of people in similar or worse situations than yourself. I feel for you dude.

[sw2020]

Ps. if she's as bad as you say, you gotta leave her. Likelihood is that she will find someone else very quickly that will look after her. Then your guilt will be gone.

[radiodarcy]

So trapped, man. I want so badly to be free of all this yet also just can't see how I can drop the girl when she just lost her job and is desperately trying to find another while worrying about how she's gonna pay rent.

 

It sounds like her life is always chaotic - - most likely from her emotional instability.

 

This is the second job she's lost since you started this thread. If she gets another job and loses that then what?

 

This is her problem, not yours. She needs to get help and get herself straightened out and the only person who can do that for her is *her*.

 

You've given her more chances than necessary. As another posted said - - if she's as lovely and wonderful as you say she is, chances are she'll find someone else to take care of her.

 

She may says she adores you - - but she adores what you can do for her. In other words: it's not about you. It's about her and getting her needs met. And she can very easily dot hat through someone else. Until she hits rock bottom nothing will change.

 

And she won't hit it without you continuing to serve as her emotional/financial safety net.

[Zahara]

You're an enabler.

 

The reason she keeps doing what she's doing is because 1) you will always eat shytt and be quiet about it 2) you'll tolerate abuse because you would rather kick yourself in the ass then kick her out and make her accountable and responsible for her own destructive behavior 3) hate to say this, you're a doormat.

 

Put all the years together and knowing each other inside and out aside and deal with what you have been presented with NOW. She's abusive and she will tear away at your self-esteem. At the expense of your own well-being, you've prioritized and accepted abuse because you don't want to be the so called bad guy. Unfortunately, being the bad guy may give her the reality check and wake up call she truly needs to get her life in order.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I'm almost beginning to think that you are not breaking up with your gf for reasons other than you stated. You're delaying the inevitable. Are you sure the real reason you haven't pulled the trigger is bc you're scared to be alone? You're afraid of losing her? Though you're miserable, angry and frustrated.. to the point that you put your hand through a wall, you've come up with excuse after excuse as to why it's not the "right time" to dump her.

 

You say you can't handle the instability, the insanity yet when you had the chance to let her call the relationship off, you are still trying to calm her down and explain the txt from the female friend. Why? If you really wanted out why not let her rage and let her end it? Why did you even calm her down?

 

Newflash, there is no "right time" to break up with someone. You are her crutch and I'm beginning to think that she is yours. You are doing neither her or yourself any favor by remaining in this toxic relationship. You are not responsible for her happiness, her life, her financial situation, and her living situation. She will find a way to survive...that's what happens when one finally has to rely on themselves to live. That, or she will latch on to someone else who has low self-esteem and will take the abuse.

 

How bad will it have to get btwn you two for you to end it? What if she finally finds a decent job but breaks her foot? Will you feel bad that she broke her foot and continue to stay with her?

 

When will it finally end? Do you really even want it to end?

 

 

 

That's easy to say but have you ever been in an almost three year relationship, spending the vast majority of that time with one person, getting to know all their ins and outs and happinesses and insecurities, wanting them to be happy so bad and caring about them deeply, yet finally despite all of this not knowing how you can go on because they make your life so insane? And you know that telling them that is just going to crush their joy of life for a very long time?

 

I just don't see how I can throw that much salt on her wound RIGHT when the wound is so fresh. I'm not at all leaving just because she lost her job, but how do I live with myself walking away from someone I was so close to right when they're in such a desperate time?

Edited January 14, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

You should stay.

 

You should sacrifice your life for hers.

 

End all your relationships now: friends, family. because they will all leave anyhow once they see how sick you become.

 

The roller coaster ride is yours.

 

Oh...and she will die too. Murder-suicide.

 

Your choice.

[sugarpea]

ChrisDrew

 

You need to get yourself out of this relationship. I know it's hard I've been in your gf's position (angry with work, with family, with life) and it was 6yrs for us. He broke up with me but couldn't finish it. I finished it for him he told me he was unhappy (was really unfair that he did that to me but I loved him and cared about him a lot so let him go (I hated that he said it was mutual decision - it wasn't)). He is happy now which makes me happy, even though I don't really want anything to do with him at the moment because he went with a (stranger abroad - met once) girl 2 weeks after breaking fwb r, they are official 4 months ldr.

 

I would however say that there isn't really going to be a 'good time to break-up' and well I personally would probably wait out if possible till she gets a job, but the thing is you can't predict when she'll get a job, what if it's ages from now? Can you really last that long? Also if she gets a job and then you break up with her, then she gets fired from it, what if she blames you for that? Really it wouldn't be your fault.

 

You have to consider yourself, for your own sanity and health. A relationship is to co-exist and compliment each other, not one going out of their way to make the other happy.

 

If you really do want to try though. I would consider talking to her about this, seriously preferably in a private place, its an emotional topic and she may hate you if she gets emotional in a public place. Don't be accusatory or blaming though perhaps ask her what she thinks would improve the relationship and tell her your points. Instead of it being you have to change consider changing together.

 

Hope this helps. Good luck.

[ChrisDrew]

I'm almost beginning to think that you are not breaking up with your gf for reasons other than you stated. You're delaying the inevitable. Are you sure the real reason you haven't pulled the trigger is bc you're scared to be alone? You're afraid of losing her? Though you're miserable, angry and frustrated.. to the point that you put your hand through a wall, you've come up with excuse after excuse as to why it's not the "right time" to dump her.

 

No, two nights ago I was absolutely ready to let her walk out the door. She'd packed most of her stuff, she said she'd come back and get the rest the next day, boom, done. I was so relieved. But then she stops, says "There's something I haven't told you", and then tells me she'd been given her notice a month ago. That she'd just come from her final shift. And has to find a new place to live on Feb 1 as her lease is up for renewal and she can't sign a 12-month contract then. And then starts crying. I felt absolutely awful. I wanted her gone but I also had this girl who I do love feeling like complete s*** in front of me and I just couldn't bring myself to kick her out.

 

Anyway. Thanks for the other responses, guys. Even the sarcasm, BigGirl. It helps. I've always had a tough time breaking up with girls even when the relationship is bad, no idea where it comes from as in every other way I'm rather confident. But it's clear that this cannot get better, she will survive, and there's no reason to keep dragging and dragging it out.

 

We were in this *exact* same position last year, with her being insane and abusive because she lost her job, me trying to support her, and it dragging on and on, but after three months I just couldn't take it anymore and I cut it off. And she has accused me ever since, saying "You weren't there when I needed you most!!", though I just needed the craziness to stop. I was an idiot to go back -- doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity, isn't it? -- and I'd be insane to continue. Like you say, she might get a new job tomorrow but then lose it next week, and therefore more drama, and like a very good personal friend also said a few weeks ago, think of the kids. I can't imagine raising kids, trying to protect and love them, and yet having their parents fighting every damn night.

 

The thing that upsets me the most isn't even all the fights, it's that there ARE really good times too, and what makes me the most angry is how often she just completely randomly rips those good times away from us for almost no reason at all. If there was a magic pill that could keep her in her "happy loving girlfriend" mode, I'd stay and love her, but it's all the constant ups and downs that just makes things too tough to continue.

 

I've made the decision to do it tonight when I see her. I will miss the girl like all hell, she clicked with me in a few ways that no one ever has, it's why it's so hard, but I know that sadly things won't ever get better. She's gonna say some pretty awful s*** tonight, and there's gonna be a lot of waterworks and anger, and I know I'm gonna feel like a horrible person for weeks if not months... but yeah, I know it has to be done.

 

Thanks for listening. Being able to vent about it helps.

 

God this sucks.

Edited January 15, 2014 by ChrisDrew

[sw2020]

Good luck dude. Stay strong. Let us know how you get on.

[ThatMan]

It's important to say no to abusive, destructive, unhealthy, toxic, and otherwise inexcusable behaviors. I'm sure that there are really good times. These good times are probably the reason why you choose to tolerate mistreatment, all while patiently waiting, being spit on with hateful vitriol, and wait for the next good moment. You can do the right thing and it doesn't make you a horrible person.

[Zahara]

Love is one thing and abuse is another. They don't go together. Granted you had good times but all that means nothing when a relationship that should entail two people nurturing and supporting each other is crippled with abuse.

 

If you have had a hard time ending things in past relationships even when it was bad, you could be co-dependent. A fixer. You'll stay and tolerate and try to fix the other person even if it's breaking you to pieces.

 

Prioritizing your well-being and your mental health doesn't make you a horrible person. You are not accountable for the actions and behaviors of a grown woman that cannot get her shytt together. You are not her parent, her guardian or her provider. Stop being a doormat and start putting yourself first. She won't, so you better.

[d0nnivain]

Someone tell me, please -- what is "the right thing to do" here?

 

 

She broke up with you & moved out, right? The right thing to do is let her go. Box up the rest of her stuff. Offer to have it delivered. Change the locks on your door & thank heaven she snooped then over-reacted.

[Zahara]

She broke up with you & moved out, right? The right thing to do is let her go. Box up the rest of her stuff. Offer to have it delivered. Change the locks on your door & thank heaven she snooped then over-reacted.

 

She didn't leave. She was going to leave but then said she lost her job and he felt awful. They're still together. I think he's going to end it with her tonight.

[ChrisDrew]

She didn't leave. She was going to leave but then said she lost her job and he felt awful. They're still together. I think he's going to end it with her tonight.

 

 

 

That's correct. Tonight... is going to suck. Hope to god I can just get through it and make it to tomorrow.