Cant get through this [update:ex called]

[cavalier99]

The first weeks are the worst. Time seems to slow down and every day seems like a year. If you get past the 1st month with NC time retuns to normal and you leave the lower depths of hell to a higher level where the pain is bearable almost.

 

Just one day at a time ok? Weve all been there me included. Im fully recovered. Took quite abit of NC but youll get there. Dig deep. Your in for the ride of your life. I almost miss the pain. lol Cav

Edited December 3, 2013 by cavalier99

[TanTry]

I agree, time does feel like it has slowed down, every hour drags

 

I cant get him off my mind today but I am trying to think of the bad times

 

One thought I cant get out is , he has ended our relationship but not our friendship..

 

Am I bad for not accepting him as a friend after everything we have been through together?

 

I feel selfish and mean for saying "If i cant have you as my partner I don't want to know you at all"

 

I feel horrible today

 

I Havent text him though or checked any of his fb etc ...too scared too

 

I am supposed to be going out tonight but I feel rubbish so not sure if I will anymore

[fixing]

You 100% cannot be his friend. It will be too painful for you. Plus, it will give him a massive ego trip. You must cut ALL contact.

Please force yourself to go out tonight. Even if you sit there miserable. Its better then laying in bed.

I know its hard, but your gotta keep forcing him out of your mind.

Take back control of yourself. Dont let him win by shutting down.

 

No contact.

[cavalier99]

He isnt your friend. End of story. Stop contempalting this now. The game now at this point in your recovery is maintaining your self respect and self esteem and truly acceting it is over.

 

Quite frankly the next time he calls or texts youd be better off saying F*ck off and NEVER contact me again. He made his decision you can too. THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU NOW.

 

Not him and if he wants you as a friend.

 

It is PURE survival time. Do anything any evething to recover including being a bitch if necesary. Doesnt matter if it is nice or isnt or what he thinks or doesnt think. He doesnt matter anymore.

 

Also when you hit the anger stage later on you will be very mad at yourself for being so kind to him after he ripped out your heart.

 

Be friends with him in a year if you want. There are consequences to breaking up with you. It means he isnt in your life any more in any capacity for now. Cav

Edited December 3, 2013 by cavalier99

[BC1980]

I agree, time does feel like it has slowed down, every hour drags

 

I cant get him off my mind today but I am trying to think of the bad times

 

One thought I cant get out is , he has ended our relationship but not our friendship..

 

Am I bad for not accepting him as a friend after everything we have been through together?

 

I feel selfish and mean for saying "If i cant have you as my partner I don't want to know you at all"

 

I feel horrible today

 

I Havent text him though or checked any of his fb etc ...too scared too

 

I am supposed to be going out tonight but I feel rubbish so not sure if I will anymore

 

I can tell you firsthand that being friends right now is an atrocious idea. I call it bargaining because you are trying to bargain any way back into his life. You're thinking, even if he took away the loaf of a relationship, I'll follow this sad trail of crumbs to a friendship. I'm embarrassed that I tried this. It ended badly, and I ended up asking for NC. Please listen to all these people who went NC immediately.

 

NC is not about being immature, a b@tch, or anything else. It is about recovery and accepting it is over. It doesn't mean you will hate your ex and never speak to him again, though that may be the case for some. Reevaluate a friendship a year from now.

[BC1980]

10 Core Breakup Boundaries That Every Person Should Live By | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Go to this link, and it explains why you need NC. I found it awhile back, and it has helped reinforce why I need to stay NC.

[eachcomingnight]

TanTry,

I am so sorry you're going through this. For me, the pain in the first few days was truly worse than anything I had experienced previously in my life. After that, it was up and down for a while, but within a few weeks it was no longer the only thing I could think about all day. And within a few months, he was just a thought that popped into my mind from time to time.

 

I just want to echo what other posters have said - I really admire your strength. People like you are the reason that so many people here are willing to spend their time and energy reading and replying - because you are, even at such a challenging time, earnestly seeking out and following advice that is not always easy to swallow. You are on the right path, even if it is hard to believe it at the moment.

 

You are certainly not a bad person for insisting on NC. You don't have to be mean or rude, just firm. It doesn't mean you don't care, it means that you care about your own wellbeing more. And you should. Because you are the only person who can truly take care of yourself and make yourself happy.

[Mariposa10]

10 Core Breakup Boundaries That Every Person Should Live By | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

Go to this link, and it explains why you need NC. I found it awhile back, and it has helped reinforce why I need to stay NC.

 

 

Reading this again again! I feel like printing it out and putting it on my wall, so I can see it all the time...So I don't forget.

[BC1980]

Reading this again again! I feel like printing it out and putting it on my wall, so I can see it all the time...So I don't forget.

 

I know what you mean. I just reread it from time to time, and it always makes things so clear to me.

[TanTry]

Hi everyone

 

Thank you all so much for all these replies, I am having a really hard night tonight so coming online to read them has helped me

 

BC1980- I will check out that thread now ,I need the reminding x

 

Eachcomingnight- thank you so much for your reply, it really touched me, especially when you said people like me are the reason people keep posting advice. I am trying my best to follow it and so far I am still in NC although it is extremely hard for me right now. I am sorry you went through this kind of pain too but I am happy you are at astage where you feel much better x

 

Cavilier- Thank you, I know you are right, although I miss him so much i cant see him as a friend, I will only be hurting myself. I am trying to get it into my head that i am not being a bitch. Your post helps x

 

Fixing- Thank you for taking so much time to constantly reply to me, I appreciate it. You are right again, and I am following your advice and I did go out... I will explain this now

 

 

So I went out yesterday, just to a music event at a bar with a friend (girl). I had a really good night actually (surprisingly) I drank and got quite drunk but didnt cry or call him! So proud of this. I also got lost in the music and felt free for a while...it was lovely. I also plucked up the courage to talk to this guy who I liked at the bar...took his number and we text a few times today although he hasn't replied so I guess that is a dead end. I know its too soon anyway, but I am glad I did it. Although part of me feels insecure as he has not replied to my last text.

 

Either way overall I had a good night, that is true. I am hoping to continue this. Tomorrow is my work Christmas party so I will go along and see how it goes. I wont be drinking though. Just in case.

 

Funny though that I had a good night but tonight I am sat here feeling depressed. I miss him SO much. Just his voice, his hug. everything

 

Makes me want to cry...its like my mind is saying. I would trade all the good nights out in the world just to be with him again

 

I wish I was in the anger stage, at least it wouldn't hurt so bloody much

 

I feel like calling him up or seeing him, but I wont dont worry

 

I just feel so alone tonight

 

uggggh I hate the way this feels

[TanTry]

It just feels like this will never end and all I will do is trick myself into thinking I am ok by going out and going to work but deep down I will never be over him

 

Ill just come home everyday with his face in my mind and i cant take it

[BC1980]

It takes awhile for your emotions to stabilize. It sucks, but there is no way around it. You have to face it head on, but you do come to a more stable point. Being angry isn't good either. My anger was pretty bad at times, but it doesn't make you feel any better. You just get mad that you even allowed someone to make you that mad.

[cavalier99]

It just feels like this will never end and all I will do is trick myself into thinking I am ok by going out and going to work but deep down I will never be over him

 

Ill just come home everyday with his face in my mind and i cant take it

 

I really tried to mourn a lot early on. Some times you need to cry and get it all out. Id do this quite bit. I actually forced myself to cry and tell mtself IT IS OVER repeadly. Id run thru all the great memories ecetera and even imagined her with her new guy enjoying herself, having sex ecetera.

 

Dive deep into the pain! Im serious.

 

You will find you can only cry for so long and will stop. It is good to feel and accpet these emotions. But also dont foget to stop and say enough is enough. Try crying daily for a week or so. It helps desesitize you to the idea they are gone and will be with someone else.

 

Better to get it out of the way now. Just assume he is engaged and his finacee is pregnant and they are happy. This thought helped me a lot to stay NC and accepet it was over.

 

Cav

[Jules78]

It's the hardest thing ever!!! It feels worse than death because even though they are dead to us they are still out there doing things that make us fall apart. It's okay to feel the way you do. IT IS NORMAL! It sucks the big one but it is normal.

 

Do NOT beat yourself up over it. He's the idiot. His loss. Mean people suck. Don't defend him either. He is mean. You will see it one day. Until then, keep posting here like crazy. A lot of support and experience with the same thing. I have been on the floor in a ball crying, a complete basketcase. I have done things I didn't know I was capable of. lol But the one thing I did that I really didn't think I was capable of? I'm starting to get over him. I don't cry every minute anymore. I don't cry every day anymore. I still get that nasty pit in my stomach but that will eventually go away as well.

 

You will get better. It's still so early on. Please do not contact him. You will feel a million times worse!!! Post here instead!! xoxo

[TanTry]

I am trying so hard to tell myself this is for the best

 

But I cant stop crying

 

I feel so worthless and alone

[BC1980]

It's going to suck for awhile. I used to think I would never get over it. I wanted to believe when people told me I would, but I was scared I would just be sad forever. I tried to work overtime in the early days, and I stayed around people as much as possible. I would go to the park on my days off and read just to stay around people and get out of the house. You just have to plow through these upcoming weeks. That's the only way.

[fixing]

You are doing amazing girl! Im so happy that you went out and had a good time! And even better that you got the guys number. More of the same please! I know its really tough when your alone, just try and endure the pain, dont avoid it. Its a process that we have to go through step by step.

Good luck at the xmas party!

Stay strong x

[TanTry]

Thank you all

 

I am so grateful for you all

 

I cried for a while then sort of said to myself "Ok enough" and slowly stopped

 

I then dived into a piece of work I need to get done before tomorrow and I am listening to music

 

I am trying to get used to being happy with just me in a room

 

Perhaps I miss his company not necessarily him as a whole

 

Because there were parts of him I did not like atall

 

I need to focus on those

 

Thank you all so much again x

 

I will keep posting

[TanTry]

You are also all so right about enduring the pain

 

I need to let myself feel I guess, but I worry if I allow myself to feel sad I will never stop

[fixing]

It will stop when you accept the pain and endure it naturally. Its ok, let it all out. It will pass. And exactly, focus on you. You dont need him in that room.

Keep active! And remember, the second you start to thinking of him, force yourself to think of ANYTHING ELSE!

[TanTry]

Thank you fixing, I will do my best

 

I feel like when I am over all of this I owe all of you big time! I appreciate it so much x

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Let yourself grieve, Tan. It is like a death. I howled ..literally howled for a few hours and nearly passed out from hyperventilation when my bf broke up with me. I was on the phone with my best friend the whole time. I hope you have a good friend/family member who can be with you during this time.

 

There are so many tips we can all give you but the fact of the matter is the gut wrenching unbearable pain you're feeling will only go away with time.

 

During the first few weeks I basically surrounded myself with loved ones but I still felt empty and alone. I forced myself to get up and get out even though I felt sick and weak. I couldn't eat for about a month and felt like a zombie..I hiked, went to the gym, had my sister sleep over a few nights and just talked and talked and wrote and read.

 

Little by little, without me realizing, the pain started to go away. One day, I woke up and realized that I didn't feel that crushing weight in my chest and the anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. There was no magic pill or potion, no new guy...it just happened.

 

Today, 3.5 post break up I am doing very very well. I've accepted that my ex was not the right man for me and would not take him back if he came calling. Yet, I still love this man. I think about him every day but I do not feel the pain or aching for him. I know it'll take me a lot longer to get over him but I am happy right now. I am enjoying life right now. You will be here one day too.

 

Take it day by day and know that you deserve unconditional true selfless and mutual love. You will find someone who can offer that to you.

 

For now, take baby steps...just focus on feeling better moment by moment. Try hard not to dwell in the past and don't worry about the future. Stay in the present and love and comfort yourself.

 

Good luck, darling.

 

Keep reading and writing on this site...it helped me tremendously in my darkest hours.

[BC1980]

When I had really bad days, I would come here and read other people's stories. It helped so much to see that I wasn't alone and to read about people who had made it to the other side.

[flight E]

Luv can make us stupid, myself not exempted but from what you said this your bf is not likable not to talk of lovable. He is selfish, mean and egocentric. Do you feel that you are so worthless that that's the best you can get. Soldier up girl, in one year am sure you will slap urself for feeling this way. Cry all u want, feel all the pain don't resist it. You will come out on the other side no matter how long it takes a bigger stronger person so long as you cut off all contact with him. Trust the advise u being given here it be best, most real advise you can get anywhere in the world. I know cos I have searched and read about almost everytin on RS and BU

[nevergoodenough]

Thank you Elbe for replying

 

I will try

 

There is no other guy though

 

I cant even think of anyone else, there is noone that would compare to him

 

I just have no idea how I am going to get over this

 

Every part of me wants to go to his house now and cry and tell him hes making a mistake and maybe I could change his mind

 

Every part of me

 

uggghhh

 

That's called begging and it is NOT attractive, do not do it.

At least that is what I was told in my thread when I considered begging my ex. If it isn't good for me, it isn't acceptable for you either.