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How can someone who knows you so well not care and be so cold?

Vinsanity1307

By Vinsanity1307
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Vinsanity1307 Established Member

Vinsanity1307

Posted
Posted (edited)

Ok so most of you know my story. What I failed to bring up is I did a brief rebound in august for about a month after my ex dumped me. A girl who use to work with me at my second job was basically a spitting image of my ex (height weight,hair color, eye color,2 kids *my ex had 3* both divorced, and even to the fact we met at cvs and both of their previous jobs before cvs was walgreens) Anyways we dated (not officially for a month,) Due to our schedules we saw each other only once a week if that. I knew she was a replacement to fill the void (wrong I know) and again she looked like my ex. I noticed she was kinda rude and mean at times but again was a void.

 

One night we had sex after about a month of seeing each other(This isnt me. Every girl I slept with I have been in a long term relationship with, but the guys said it may help ). It was horrible nothing to what me and my ex did. Even compared to the first time(me and my ex just clicked even the first time)..( the sex was a bad idea I know now)...So I figured i would of never hear from her again.. So she leaves and asks me out through text message officially and says she never felt so close to anyone even her ex husband. So I said we will talk about that when we see each other again I dont like discussing stuff through text well serious stuff (I explained that to her). We never saw each other again. we texted but never met up again. She would schedule a date then she gave me an excuse she was tired or whatever so Im like its cool. The next day she says seeing it was about two weeks since we saw each other (the sex night) she felt we disconnected during that time. SO I replied its ok cant help how you feel. (and seeing i wasnt even close to being over my ex.) Then a few days later she texts me again saying she might of jumped the gun, and didnt really give me a fair shot. I told her that I didnt like being put on the fence one minute and she made her decision and that was that.

 

So for about 2 weeks she would constantly try to reconcile but as I stated I think its better off where we are at and not talking very kindly might I add. So every month she tries to contact me to reconcile. So my question is how can someone who doesnt even know me 20% of what my ex knows me, want me so bad after she was the one who didnt want to see me anymore in the first place. And my ex who knew me inside and out for 5 years not give a slightest damn about me after everything Ive done for her, after all we have been through??? Why cant it be my ex contacting me??? And again 4 months (almost 5) post BU. Why why why???

 

 

Here is my original story with my ex.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years

Edited by Vinsanity1307
nevergoodenough Established Member

nevergoodenough

Posted
Posted
Ok so most of you know my story. What I failed to bring up is I did a brief rebound in august for about a month after my ex dumped me. A girl who use to work with me at my second job was basically a spitting image of my ex (height weight,hair color, eye color,2 kids *my ex had 3* both divorced, and even to the fact we met at cvs and both of their previous jobs before cvs was walgreens) Anyways we dated (not officially for a month,) Due to our schedules we saw each other only once a week if that. I knew she was a replacement to fill the void (wrong I know) and again she looked like my ex. I noticed she was kinda rude and mean at times but again was a void.

 

One night we had sex after about a month of seeing each other(This isnt me. Every girl I slept with I have been in a long term relationship with, but the guys said it may help ). It was horrible nothing to what me and my ex did. Even compared to the first time(me and my ex just clicked even the first time)..( the sex was a bad idea I know now)...So I figured i would of never hear from her again.. So she leaves and asks me out through text message officially and says she never felt so close to anyone even her ex husband. So I said we will talk about that when we see each other again I dont like discussing stuff through text well serious stuff (I explained that to her). We never saw each other again. we texted but never met up again. She would schedule a date then she gave me an excuse she was tired or whatever so Im like its cool. The next day she says seeing it was about two weeks since we saw each other (the sex night) she felt we disconnected during that time. SO I replied its ok cant help how you feel. (and seeing i wasnt even close to being over my ex.) Then a few days later she texts me again saying she might of jumped the gun, and didnt really give me a fair shot. I told her that I didnt like being put on the fence one minute and she made her decision and that was that.

 

So for about 2 weeks she would constantly try to reconcile but as I stated I think its better off where we are at and not talking very kindly might I add. So every month she tries to contact me to reconcile. So my question is how can someone who doesnt even know me 20% of what my ex knows me, want me so bad after she was the one who didnt want to see me anymore in the first place. And my ex who knew me inside and out for 5 years not give a slightest damn about me after everything Ive done for her, after all we have been through??? Why cant it be my ex contacting me??? And again 4 months (almost 5) post BU. Why why why???

 

 

Here is my original story with my ex.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years

 

Because people are different and relationships are different. The ex you were with for a longer period of time probably reached the point where she has seen some things that she does not like in you, this would be the reason why she decides not to talk to you. Typically, when there is a breakup after this long, its one that the person has put a lot more thought into. The other girl, she likely hasn't gotten to the point of leaning things about you that cause her to be turned off by you. Also too, there could be the concept of avoiding more pain on both parts. Some people tend to avoid pain more while others seek pleasure more, you really shouldn't compare them. In general though, more time together gives her more knowledge about you and the ability to decide what she is not looking for. The other girl could be using you as a backup plan while she talks to other guys though. Don't compare these two, just give it time. If you want the first one, just wait on her to talk to you and stop counting the time bc its pointless.

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Vinsanity1307 Established Member

Vinsanity1307

Posted
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Posted

I was expecting that answer. Not sure if you read my original post but the more you become important to me the more I will do for you (I am no where near perfect) not even close I have faults (but in my original post I did everything I could for my ex the first two years even in the past 3 I was by her side when she had no job or car or phone.. Ive always prided myself in my heart and being a good BF in a committed relationship. People who know me well will tell you my heart is my biggest strength and weakness. So thats what my question is I wasnt even half of what I was with the rebound that I was with my ex.

ConfusedHumanBeing Established Member

ConfusedHumanBeing

Posted
Posted
I was expecting that answer. Not sure if you read my original post but the more you become important to me the more I will do for you (I am no where near perfect) not even close I have faults (but in my original post I did everything I could for my ex the first two years even in the past 3 I was by her side when she had no job or car or phone.. Ive always prided myself in my heart and being a good BF in a committed relationship. People who know me well will tell you my heart is my biggest strength and weakness. So thats what my question is I wasnt even half of what I was with the rebound that I was with my ex.

 

I'm going to be honest.....you need to get off this site for awhile. How much time are you wasting sitting on here and overanalyzing everything? The amount of energy you could be putting somewhere else that would be MUCH more productive. You need to live man....

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cavalier99 Established Member

cavalier99

Posted
Posted

You are comparing apples and oranges. Cav

  • Like 4
nevergoodenough Established Member

nevergoodenough

Posted
Posted

Vin I answered your question the best I could. If you gave it everything you had and it wasn't good enough, then at least you know you tried. If you don't feel you did anything wrong and performed to the best of your ability, then you shouldn't have anything to feel bad about. Its like a tee ball player trying to play for the Yankees. At least you tried your hardest. I think you should look at yourself and ask what you did wrong. Maybe get hard with yourself and change those things then you can be the person she needs. If not, you can stay confused and compare different things that have no connection to one another.

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Vinsanity1307 Established Member

Vinsanity1307

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I knew what my biggest fault was it was my guard being up (the insensitiveness at times). It stopped though when I forgave her..and thats when she pulled coincidentally when she got the job...

Am4Real Established Member

Am4Real

Posted
Posted

I don’t see this post as any form of obsession. Perhaps the other posters know more of your writing from other threads than I do.

 

------------------------------------------------------------

 

However, you cannot compare people, not at this stage anyway since the situations are as wildly different as several posters have mentioned.

 

To your benefit questioning is a good thing if it is kept in context, meaning you are trying to understand why your EX is treating you differently than what you expected and how can you avoid a similar situation in the future. Ask yourself: what can I learn from this?

 

If I may let me give you an important piece of advice:

 

A relationship is [highlight]NOT A TRANSACTION[/highlight]. In other words just because you paid with your soul or generosity does it not mean you are owed anything in return.

 

A relationship is [highlight]NOT A LOAN[/highlight]. Because you bestowed your affections and good will to someone does not mean it will be repaid in kind or repaid with interest.

 

What a relationship is can be defined this way: “the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.”

 

Therefore everything you do, no matter how you supported your EX through thick and thin is not about what she owes you or should give back to you, it’s about [highlight]WHAT YOU DID TO MAINTAIN THE CONCEPT AND STATE OF BEING CONNECTED TO SOMEONE[/highlight].

 

In as best I can help you realize everything you do for someone is solely for the purpose of establishing a connection with them. They owe you nothing in return.

 

If you want to talk about marriage it would be different. Marriage in most progressive places comes with legal obligations and laws regarding termination; there are also many who bide by religious doctrine when it comes to the bonds and obligations of marriage.

 

However being in a relationship is strictly a connection.

 

Sorry for your pain but consider yourself fortunate to have experienced love. Once you realize how fortunate you are will you be ready to receive it again…and it will find you.

  • Like 5
ConfusedHumanBeing Established Member

ConfusedHumanBeing

Posted
Posted
I knew what my biggest fault was it was my guard being up (the insensitiveness at times). It stopped though when I forgave her..and thats when she pulled coincidentally when she got the job...

 

Dude none of it matters anymore. It hasn't for a LONG time now. When are you going to stop this?!?!?

  • Like 5
ponchsox Established Member

ponchsox

Posted
Posted

Did she take your man card with her?

Am4Real Established Member

Am4Real

Posted
Posted

Vinsanity1307,

 

Can't advise on the "man card" however I just went through some of your posts from this past August; I'm beginning to understand why a few posters were referring to your obsession(s). I found this post of yours quite telling: LINK

 

Have you sought out professional assistance to aid you in these times?

 

 

 

 

 

Did she take your man card with her?
  • Like 2
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Vinsanity1307 Established Member

Vinsanity1307

Posted
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Posted

What did this last message tell you? I wrote that a week after she left me... As for my man card? She took my confidence I admit that. I have no confidence anymore. I use to be oh so very confident.... I was seeing a counselor for about a month and a half but dropped her cause I felt no different going in or out. Obsession? I dont know maybe.. I cant shake her off my mind...As said my heart has been my weakness and greatness strength ever since I was younger and now that it was shattered I just dont know how to deal and what to do....

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted

It is so futile to attempt to decipher another person's motives. We might kinda, sorta, maybe understand why people do things, but we don't really know.

 

The point is that it is wasted effort. All of this analyzing is much better spent looking at your motives for continuing this cycle. Better yet, spend this time doing something fun. After my breakup, I forced myself to do a lot of things just to get out and be around people.

 

I know that you really want to sit at home. I get that because I did too. However, you are just digging the hole deeper.

  • Like 4
ConfusedHumanBeing Established Member

ConfusedHumanBeing

Posted
Posted
What did this last message tell you? I wrote that a week after she left me... As for my man card? She took my confidence I admit that. I have no confidence anymore. I use to be oh so very confident.... I was seeing a counselor for about a month and a half but dropped her cause I felt no different going in or out. Obsession? I dont know maybe.. I cant shake her off my mind...As said my heart has been my weakness and greatness strength ever since I was younger and now that it was shattered I just dont know how to deal and what to do....

 

Look man..you are no.different than anyone else on here. Breakups are very hard no denying that. That's why sites like this exist. With that said, you're over anaylzing and woah is me isn't going to get you anywhere. You have to work at it much harder. Your ex wasn't this amazing to put this much effort into. I can promise you that.

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organizedchaos Established Member

organizedchaos

Posted
Posted
I knew what my biggest fault was it was my guard being up (the insensitiveness at times). It stopped though when I forgave her..and thats when she pulled coincidentally when she got the job...

 

No, your biggest fault is that 1000ft pedestal you have your ex on that you refuse to move on from. Stop it.

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ks0985 Established Member

ks0985

Posted
Posted

Because your a challenge to her. The fact when she pushed away you never pulled her in is really making her want you more.

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Vinsanity1307 Established Member

Vinsanity1307

Posted
  • Author
Posted

the 1000ft pedestal sounds about right. I even keep a list on me at all times of the negatives of being with her and annoyances. The list is at 55 but still havent seemed to knock her off of it yet...The good memories still prevail

TanTry Established Member

TanTry

Posted
Posted

Hi vinsanity

 

I am new to your post and the forums but just wanted to say you are not alone and I am sorry for what you are going through

 

I am feeling very low too...

 

I guess all we can do is cling to the fact we WILL get over this

 

Logically we have to

 

In life we either sink or swim

 

At the moment we are floating, it feels like sinking but it is not. You are still here

 

You woke up this morning, you are typing here so youa re still fighting

 

Just learn to swim

 

Thats what I am going to do

 

As for the pedestal thing, I too have my ex on one

 

I think it will take a while to bring them back down to the level of everyine else

 

But it is possible.

 

Stay strong x

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Vinsanity1307 Established Member

Vinsanity1307

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Hi vinsanity

 

I am new to your post and the forums but just wanted to say you are not alone and I am sorry for what you are going through

 

I am feeling very low too...

 

I guess all we can do is cling to the fact we WILL get over this

 

Logically we have to

 

In life we either sink or swim

 

At the moment we are floating, it feels like sinking but it is not. You are still here

 

You woke up this morning, you are typing here so youa re still fighting

 

Just learn to swim

 

Thats what I am going to do

 

As for the pedestal thing, I too have my ex on one

 

I think it will take a while to bring them back down to the level of everyine else

 

But it is possible.

 

Stay strong x

 

 

Im sorry your going through this at well .... Ive been floating for almost 5 months now....And thats exactly right it feels like I sinking all the time deeper and deeper..Thanks for your comments

ConfusedHumanBeing Established Member

ConfusedHumanBeing

Posted
Posted
Im sorry your going through this at well .... Ive been floating for almost 5 months now....And thats exactly right it feels like I sinking all the time deeper and deeper..Thanks for your comments

 

The only person responsible for "sinking" is you. Tantry, who is a brand new user, gave you some GREAT advice and he is just NOW dealing with it. Where does that leave you?

 

The problem I see is you dont WANT to move on. You WANT to live in this fake world where she is still here with you and bask in the memories. Thats exactly what they are right now...memories. What do you think she would think if she EVER saw any of your post on here? I could only imagine.....

 

Look man, you are a human so feelings like this occur....but ALL you are doing now is refusing to move on from this. You've posted SO many threads asking ALL kinds of advice when all the answers from them are the same: You HAVE to move on. Her reasons, ways, habits, past feelings....none of them matter anymore. They are out the window. You are young and are going to totally regret wasting all of this time in self pity. I still say you need to take a pretty large hiatus from this site. Not because we are tired of hearing for you, but I honestly think you are WELL too involved and using this is a place to HOLD ON to the memories rather than LETTING GO.

  • Like 5
mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

Posted
Posted

If I may let me give you an important piece of advice:

 

A relationship is [highlight]NOT A TRANSACTION[/highlight]. In other words just because you paid with your soul or generosity does it not mean you are owed anything in return.

 

A relationship is [highlight]NOT A LOAN[/highlight]. Because you bestowed your affections and good will to someone does not mean it will be repaid in kind or repaid with interest.

 

What a relationship is can be defined this way: “the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.”

 

Therefore everything you do, no matter how you supported your EX through thick and thin is not about what she owes you or should give back to you, it’s about [highlight]WHAT YOU DID TO MAINTAIN THE CONCEPT AND STATE OF BEING CONNECTED TO SOMEONE[/highlight].

 

In as best I can help you realize everything you do for someone is solely for the purpose of establishing a connection with them. They owe you nothing in return.

 

Fu*k dude. That's friggen' deep! Very nice :cool:

 

Looking back, I was so guilty of all of what you describe. Constant need for validation and approval. "I'll act this way if you return by doing this..." Probably all tied to poor boundaries & decision making, low self-esteem, etc...

 

Based on my travels here on LS, I think many of us suffer with similar issues. Seems like so much more can be gained by working on oneself and not trying to understand the actions of their ex. Dig down a little bit and see what you find :)

  • Like 2
mtnbiker3000 Established Member

mtnbiker3000

Posted
Posted

All of this analyzing is much better spent looking at your motives for continuing this cycle.

 

Here here... This seems to me like your only direction to go in. Or else this story will repeat with a different ex's name. Take it from me, it happens. You need to fix yourself first. Mirror time!!

  • Like 1
reddragon588 Established Member

reddragon588

Posted
Posted

Vin, you need to see a new therapist. The one you're currently seeing may not be clicking with you. It's ok, just like friends or mates, not every therapist will click with you.

flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

Posted
Posted
Ok so most of you know my story. What I failed to bring up is I did a brief rebound in august for about a month after my ex dumped me. A girl who use to work with me at my second job was basically a spitting image of my ex (height weight,hair color, eye color,2 kids *my ex had 3* both divorced, and even to the fact we met at cvs and both of their previous jobs before cvs was walgreens) Anyways we dated (not officially for a month,) Due to our schedules we saw each other only once a week if that. I knew she was a replacement to fill the void (wrong I know) and again she looked like my ex. I noticed she was kinda rude and mean at times but again was a void.

 

One night we had sex after about a month of seeing each other(This isnt me. Every girl I slept with I have been in a long term relationship with, but the guys said it may help ). It was horrible nothing to what me and my ex did. Even compared to the first time(me and my ex just clicked even the first time)..( the sex was a bad idea I know now)...So I figured i would of never hear from her again.. So she leaves and asks me out through text message officially and says she never felt so close to anyone even her ex husband. So I said we will talk about that when we see each other again I dont like discussing stuff through text well serious stuff (I explained that to her). We never saw each other again. we texted but never met up again. She would schedule a date then she gave me an excuse she was tired or whatever so Im like its cool. The next day she says seeing it was about two weeks since we saw each other (the sex night) she felt we disconnected during that time. SO I replied its ok cant help how you feel. (and seeing i wasnt even close to being over my ex.) Then a few days later she texts me again saying she might of jumped the gun, and didnt really give me a fair shot. I told her that I didnt like being put on the fence one minute and she made her decision and that was that.

 

So for about 2 weeks she would constantly try to reconcile but as I stated I think its better off where we are at and not talking very kindly might I add. So every month she tries to contact me to reconcile. So my question is how can someone who doesnt even know me 20% of what my ex knows me, want me so bad after she was the one who didnt want to see me anymore in the first place. And my ex who knew me inside and out for 5 years not give a slightest damn about me after everything Ive done for her, after all we have been through??? Why cant it be my ex contacting me??? And again 4 months (almost 5) post BU. Why why why???

 

 

Here is my original story with my ex.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years

 

probably because you didn't show interest in giving this new girl any of your time. as for the ex, she isn't contacting you because she doesn't want to be with you anymore, hence the breakup. two vastly different things.

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Vinsanity1307 Established Member

Vinsanity1307

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Cant afford a new counselor...The one I went to scaled the rate drastically..ALL others would not... I think I will take a hiatus from the site. I am willing to do anything to rid the thoughts and feelings

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