Wife Cheated .. Now what?

[Woggle]

If you have no kids is this marriage really worth saving?

[tiredofitall2]

Hello everyone, this is my first post and I’m seeking some advice and opinions from you all on my situation. I understand everyone is different and situations are different, but I’m just clueless to put it frank. Thank you in advance for reading my post and commenting.

 

My wife of 2 years cheated on me. No kids. This happened back in July and August (supposedly twice).

 

During the midst of all this, she compulsively lied about numerous things, even to the point where I 110% caught her in a lie and she denied it over and over to my face.

 

A lot of it has stemmed from marital issues that we never dealt with. So our marriage being rocky was the fault of both of us, but I never thought it was ‘that’ bad. We had wounds throughout course that we never resolved and all of it piled up and came to a head. It was at this point she completely changed into a different person.

 

Obviously, I’m going through a lot of emotions. Depression, insecurity, anger, and others.

 

I am 100% committed at fixing our marriage, because I feel like it was all my fault (even though the logical side of my brain tells me otherwise).

 

She doesn’t want to do counseling because she feels as if we’re doing “okay” right now. For the most part, we are. I have caught her in tiny lies and I saw a text from a co-worker that was inappropriate.

 

She gets mad if I look at her text messages, but says it’s okay for me to do so; therefore, I don’t look when she knows about it. I do know she deletes selective ones.

 

She cheated on her past relationships.

 

She was somewhat remorseful, but not to the extent that I would expect someone to be.

 

I feel like I can’t trust her, even though I’m trying. I’m constantly trying to catch her in a lie. In a sense, it’s almost as if I want her to mess up again. Am I nuts?

 

I can say without a doubt that I have fixed all of my “issues” she had with me and our marriage.

 

Part of me wants to file the divorce papers. Part of me says “no you’re just being over dramatic.” Part of me has a sense of “you’re a fool” or “you’re just a doormat.”

 

Am I just being too insecure? Not man enough? Am I not giving it enough time? All of this is completely unhealthy for me and it isn’t good for our relationship. I don’t deserve to feel like this but I’m just looking for ways to cope, get over it, or even move on. I just don’t know. I’m lost.

 

I always advocate for marriages to stay together if you read my posts. BUT, you are only 2 years in and already having these kind of issues. Secondly there are no children.Imagine this happening again ince you have incested 5, 10 or 15 years and there are children involved. Based on this and previous relationships, she has no problems straying.

 

I would file for D, move on and never look back. It is not your fault! Find a decent woman, there are many, many many!

[tiredofitall2]

If you have no kids is this marriage really worth saving?

 

NOPE IMHO. Only 2 years invested. Run now!

[Chi townD]

She was in the driver's seat when she cheated on you. Now, YOU are in the drivers seat as to where this marriage goes.

 

She cheated on you, she has NO BUSINESS being alone with a guy in a parking lot at all!!! Especially after what she's done to you.

 

She needs to be completely transparent with you. You should have all of her passwords to phone, FB and email accounts. And you stated she's still deleting texts! Red flag there!

 

You stated that she doesn't seem very remorseful and expects you to sweep this whole thing under the rug. She has cheated on all of her relationships and she just added you to the list.

 

She doesn't want to do marriage counseling. Too bad!!! Because that is what you're requiring to continue in the marriage. If she doesn't want to go, then there's the door!

 

She needs to see that there are consequences to her actions and that those consequences could be her marriage to you.

[zipp0]

We have joined FB accounts, she has given me access to all of her emails. This she doesn't seem to have a problem with. It's her phone that seems to be the issue, even if there isn't anything on there that would alert me.

 

Although the meeting the guy in the parking lot could be innocent, heck for all I know he could be 300lbs over weight and look like a monkey, I still feel that she should have enough respect for me to NOT meet someone like that. Especially someone that is a stranger to [me]. This is where I was wondering if I was being unreasonable.

 

Honestly, I would assume it would be a "given" for her because of what she done to me.

 

In a sense, I feel bad for her because I am seriously contemplating filing for divorce. But my logic tells me that she never felt bad for me when she did what she did.

 

I guess it boils down to me being afraid of making the wrong decision. Perhaps it's my heart and brain conflicting.

[mack25]

This one is pretty st8 forward. Run like hell. If you you don't it will happen again. Would you leave then? The reason she cheated 2 yrs into this is that is when the newness and initial love starts o fade. Guessing she is one that likes the newness. No kids get out now, you deserve better.

[Artie Lang]

now you're just being complacent and settling, dude.

 

if that's good for you, then have at it.

[Woggle]

We have joined FB accounts, she has given me access to all of her emails. This she doesn't seem to have a problem with. It's her phone that seems to be the issue, even if there isn't anything on there that would alert me.

 

Although the meeting the guy in the parking lot could be innocent, heck for all I know he could be 300lbs over weight and look like a monkey, I still feel that she should have enough respect for me to NOT meet someone like that. Especially someone that is a stranger to [me]. This is where I was wondering if I was being unreasonable.

 

Honestly, I would assume it would be a "given" for her because of what she done to me.

 

In a sense, I feel bad for her because I am seriously contemplating filing for divorce. But my logic tells me that she never felt bad for me when she did what she did.

 

I guess it boils down to me being afraid of making the wrong decision. Perhaps it's my heart and brain conflicting.

Why feel bad for. She killed the marriage and you would just be burying the corpse. You don't want to keep dragging a corpse around do you?

[harrybrown]

File now and run for your life.

[tiredofitall2]

We have joined FB accounts, she has given me access to all of her emails. This she doesn't seem to have a problem with. It's her phone that seems to be the issue, even if there isn't anything on there that would alert me.

 

Although the meeting the guy in the parking lot could be innocent, heck for all I know he could be 300lbs over weight and look like a monkey, I still feel that she should have enough respect for me to NOT meet someone like that. Especially someone that is a stranger to [me]. This is where I was wondering if I was being unreasonable.

 

Honestly, I would assume it would be a "given" for her because of what she done to me.

 

In a sense, I feel bad for her because I am seriously contemplating filing for divorce. But my logic tells me that she never felt bad for me when she did what she did.

 

I guess it boils down to me being afraid of making the wrong decision. Perhaps it's my heart and brain conflicting.

The last thing in her mind when she was cheating was you! When people cheat they do to escape their reality. Unless it is a ONS drunken mistake. In your W case she did it selfishly and she didn't care about you enough to not do it. Get rid of her. If you don't you will be hurt a lot worse down the road.

[zipp0]

I have spent the past few days reading a lot of forums on this site. Page after page, I have started to realize what I must do. There has been a lot of advice, including the ones on my thread, which has helped me to decide that I am going to file for divorce. I’m strongly against divorce, so perhaps that’s why I’ve struggled with this for so long. I definitely haven’t made this decision lightly and I personally believe it’s in the best interest for me.

 

Although I know I haven’t been perfect in the reconciliation process, I can honestly say that I tried with every ounce in me to make it work. She on the other hand hasn’t done what she has needed to do in order to help me and our marriage rebuild from this. Personally, I believe that it will happen again, as much as I hate to say it.

 

I feel as if she continues to “play with fire.” This guy she is meeting after work could simply be innocent. However, as I’ve mentioned, I feel she should recognize that now isn’t the time to be meeting someone like that because even emotional attachments can occur, especially with me in a range of emotions and her possibly being reluctant to deal with me at times. The affair occurred when it was innocent and progressed into what it was.

 

Perhaps she just doesn’t “get it.” Who knows, maybe she does and just doesn’t care. Either way, if she hasn’t learned what to do or not do by now, then she will never learn and it’ll just keep putting me in a lower emotional state. There’s only so much one can take before enough is enough. It would be different if I hadn’t expressed my thoughts on her actions and behaviors before. I have, and while this occurrence is new, she still doesn’t seem to register it as a “no no.”

 

One thing I would like to do is print off the thread “Things that every wayward spouse needs to know.” I found that post to be very accurate to what I’m feeling and what I felt she needed to do in order to help me/us grow from this. Of course it’ll be too late when and if she decides to read it, but perhaps it will help her from doing the same things to someone else in the future.

 

I’ve tried the “Love Dare” because she suggested it. I finished it. She stopped because she feels that we are doing well. Additionally, that’s what happened with marriage counseling.

 

I don’t believe she completely understands how torn I am. Even as a man, I still need affection in our relationship. She doesn’t give it, or when she does it’s very little. We’ve had sex several times. This was one of the key points of her concerns (because I just don’t crave sex like a normal guy). I fixed this issue, medically. Essentially, I begged and came on to her like we first got together. We were doing “okay” in that department up until 2 months ago. One night I was attempting to kiss her and hopefully “get some,” but she pushed me away and looked at me in sheer disgust. Talking about a self-esteem killer. Granted I know that there are times when they aren’t “in the mood.” I get that, and that’s fine. But to treat me like that during this process was simply hurtful. Am I being too entitled? Finally I just decided that I’m not going to beg for sex anymore. I shouldn’t have to.

 

I stopped my schooling for her so we could get “us” sorted out. I just recently got promoted at work and never got a “wow, I’m proud of you,” or “good job!” Perhaps I’m still being too entitled or whiney.

 

I think I’m going to wait till after the 1st of the year to give her the papers. If I do it that way, then I won’t be a total douche for messing up the holidays for everyone else. Plus it will give me time to get myself prepared to exit and a place to go.

[tiredofitall2]

I have spent the past few days reading a lot of forums on this site. Page after page, I have started to realize what I must do. There has been a lot of advice, including the ones on my thread, which has helped me to decide that I am going to file for divorce. I’m strongly against divorce, so perhaps that’s why I’ve struggled with this for so long. I definitely haven’t made this decision lightly and I personally believe it’s in the best interest for me.

 

Although I know I haven’t been perfect in the reconciliation process, I can honestly say that I tried with every ounce in me to make it work. She on the other hand hasn’t done what she has needed to do in order to help me and our marriage rebuild from this. Personally, I believe that it will happen again, as much as I hate to say it.

 

I feel as if she continues to “play with fire.” This guy she is meeting after work could simply be innocent. However, as I’ve mentioned, I feel she should recognize that now isn’t the time to be meeting someone like that because even emotional attachments can occur, especially with me in a range of emotions and her possibly being reluctant to deal with me at times. The affair occurred when it was innocent and progressed into what it was.

 

Perhaps she just doesn’t “get it.” Who knows, maybe she does and just doesn’t care. Either way, if she hasn’t learned what to do or not do by now, then she will never learn and it’ll just keep putting me in a lower emotional state. There’s only so much one can take before enough is enough. It would be different if I hadn’t expressed my thoughts on her actions and behaviors before. I have, and while this occurrence is new, she still doesn’t seem to register it as a “no no.”

 

One thing I would like to do is print off the thread “Things that every wayward spouse needs to know.” I found that post to be very accurate to what I’m feeling and what I felt she needed to do in order to help me/us grow from this. Of course it’ll be too late when and if she decides to read it, but perhaps it will help her from doing the same things to someone else in the future.

 

I’ve tried the “Love Dare” because she suggested it. I finished it. She stopped because she feels that we are doing well. Additionally, that’s what happened with marriage counseling.

 

I don’t believe she completely understands how torn I am. Even as a man, I still need affection in our relationship. She doesn’t give it, or when she does it’s very little. We’ve had sex several times. This was one of the key points of her concerns (because I just don’t crave sex like a normal guy). I fixed this issue, medically. Essentially, I begged and came on to her like we first got together. We were doing “okay” in that department up until 2 months ago. One night I was attempting to kiss her and hopefully “get some,” but she pushed me away and looked at me in sheer disgust. Talking about a self-esteem killer. Granted I know that there are times when they aren’t “in the mood.” I get that, and that’s fine. But to treat me like that during this process was simply hurtful. Am I being too entitled? Finally I just decided that I’m not going to beg for sex anymore. I shouldn’t have to.

 

I stopped my schooling for her so we could get “us” sorted out. I just recently got promoted at work and never got a “wow, I’m proud of you,” or “good job!” Perhaps I’m still being too entitled or whiney.

 

I think I’m going to wait till after the 1st of the year to give her the papers. If I do it that way, then I won’t be a total douche for messing up the holidays for everyone else. Plus it will give me time to get myself prepared to exit and a place to go.

 

Hey man, as a believer, I don't agree with divorce either and I believe in forgiveness. But in my faith it is clear that she has released you from your vows when she cheated. Forgive her, but don't take her back. It is not worth it.

 

You are doing the right thing and one day you will look back and you will be glad you did.

 

You will be much happier. Find someone that possesses the same values as you.

[tiredofitall2]

Yes, do it after the holidays. That's fine. You will feel empowered. Man, I have been on both sides of this with my STBEX. So I know how it feels from both stand points. It is not a good feeling. I filed and am out hopefully soon.

 

In time you will feel better. Go to the gym, work on YOU. Pick up a new hobby. Travel and go on vacation without her. Go like on a singles cruise ship or something.

[BetrayedH]

Like some of the others, I'm not quick to advocate divorce. But I'm glad you read the pinned thread and saw what real remorse looks like. It's not continuing to lie, being defensive, not finishing books (because she expects you're over it by now), not "getting it" when it comes to boundaries, failing to embrace transparency, and so forth. I tend to think that she's had one too many guys accept her back after cheating. Staying with her so easily just reinforces that message. Some cheaters actually do assume that their spouse will stay with them if they are caught. I don't think she's learned anything. A truly remorseful wayward will do just about anything to make up for what they've done. Is that her?

 

Such a short marriage and no children? Hardly seems worth the risk.

 

Maybe filing for divorce will open her eyes and you'll see true remorse (thru actions rather than words). Maybe an actual divorce will be what it takes. Maybe she'll never learn.

 

FWIW, I don't think you should wait. That's a long time to be fake it and to toy with someone's emotions. Plan your exit strategy but don't toy with her emotions or with yours. You should be doing the 180 right now and it sounds like you're planning the opposite. Something to consider.

Edited December 1, 2013 by BetrayedH

[2.50 a gallon]

I'm with the runners.

 

Run! Run some more, and then run some more and keep running.

 

You might temporarily patch this up, but it will not last. I have no doubt that she will do this again, and again, as long as you let her.

 

By All Means Do Not have kids with her.

[drifter777]

Like some of the others, I'm not quick to advocate divorce. But I'm glad you read the pinned thread and saw what real remorse looks like. It's not continuing to lie, being defensive, not finishing books (because she expects you're over it by now), not "getting it" when it comes to boundaries, failing to embrace transparency, and so forth. I tend to think that she's had one too many guys accept her back after cheating. Staying with her so easily just reinforces that message. Some cheaters actually do assume that their spouse will stay with them if they are caught. I don't think she's learned anything. A truly remorseful wayward will do just about anything to make up for what they've done. Is that her?

 

Such a short marriage and no children? Hardly seems worth the risk.

 

Maybe filing for divorce will open her eyes and you'll see true remorse (thru actions rather than words). Maybe an actual divorce will be what it takes. Maybe she'll never learn.

 

FWIW, I don't think you should wait. That's a long time to be fake it and to toy with someone's emotions. Plan your exit strategy but don't toy with her emotions or with yours. You should be doing the 180 right now and it sounds like you're planning the opposite. Something to consider.

zipp0: Many of the posters advising you to end things with her do not easily recommend it. Your particular case - with essentially a non-repentant wife - pretty much always calls for filing divorce papers. As has been pointed out by others this could snap her out of her fog and force her to deal with the reality of ending the marriage. If not then you are doing what you need to do in order to regain your self respect and tell the world "I do not deserve this treatment"; something that is very empowering.

 

 

No kids pretty much always says divorce to me since real reconciliation is so hard, so painful, and takes so long I don't think it's worth it. I also do not think you should wait as this prevents you from taking the positive action you know you need to take and will ruin your holiday's more than anything else. Be selfish for you own sake and start focusing on taking care of yourself.

[notbroken]

As painful as it is, the sooner you can divorce her and move on the better. If she was late 15 minutes from the store, you would always wonder where she was. You will likely never trust her. Nor should you. She is a serial cheater. Period. She will cheat on her next husband too. And the one after that.

 

Divorce is hard. There is never a good time. It always makes sense 'after the holidays' or 'after our vacation', etc. Don't delay it. You are just wallowing in the pain longer. Do it asap. Tear the bandaid off.

 

I am normally for working as hard as possible on a marriage. In this case, I'm sorry but you will never be happy with her. The lingering doubt will ruin you and your marriage no matter how hard you try. You will eventually divorce her and/or she will leave you for her next boyfriend 'of the day'. May be next year or much later, but you can not stay married indefinitely.