Holidays and affairs

[compulsivedancer]

Just my two cents, but I would let him bring up the subject in the future. I would be crestfallen too. "Hey, honey, I was just thinking about last year, ya know when I was donking that other guy? Well, I am so tickled you decided to stay with me."

 

Okay, so what everyone usually says is: take every opportunity to express your love for the BS and tell him how glad you are to be with him. I was actually feeling a little overwhelmed (in a good way) with being there with him and his family, and thinking how differently it could've turned out, and I wanted him to know how happy I was to be there with him.

[whatatangledweb]

I would have loved what you said. It may have just been at the wrong moment for him. You have no way to know when it is a good time. I would suggest sitting down with him and discuss it. Ask him what you can do to help him and both of you . Talking and finding out what helps and hurts the other is the best way to heal . He can't read your mind and you can't read his.

[compulsivedancer]

I would have loved what you said. It may have just been at the wrong moment for him. You have no way to know when it is a good time. I would suggest sitting down with him and discuss it. Ask him what you can do to help him and both of you . Talking and finding out what helps and hurts the other is the best way to heal . He can't read your mind and you can't read his.

 

I asked him about it yesterday, and he said he was upset because he couldn't say the same thing back to me.

[compulsivedancer]

the holidays for me is more like a holocaust memory for me. STBXW went on a vacation with her girlfriend actually the om went with her, I found out after she posted a pic of om in fb. Buddhist monk told me to remain silent, and resist harsh words. That being said I couldn't lift her mood since it was obvious by her demeanor that she missed the om.

 

I think that would make the holidays especially hard.

[whatatangledweb]

He couldn't say back that he was glad you two decided to R ? That must have been painful for you to hear.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Welcome back, Betrayed! I hope the short break from LS was helpful, and I hope your holiday is going well.

 

After the bad start, yesterday and today were both great.

 

There was one odd thing. I told H that I was thankful to be here with him this year, since it could've worked out so differently, and I was thankful that he'd chosen to R. Instead of being happy, he looked crestfallen. I guess I chose the wrong time to bring it up? Maybe he wasn't thinking about the A and was enjoying the holiday and I called it to his mind?

 

I try to be proactive, but I always worry that I'm just reminding him of bad things. But if I wait to talk about things until I know he's thinking about the A, they don't always get talked about. Happy medium?

 

Instead of pointing out that things could have worked out differently (one could take that many different ways) and pointing out being thankful that HE"D chosen to R.

 

Try to word it so it comes all from you ...without pointing out negatives.

 

More like:

 

I want to thank you, that you have given me the CHANCE to be the wife I want to be.

 

That way...there is no need for him to reciprocate beyond..."you're welcome"

[compulsivedancer]

Christmas has been interesting. One day not good, the next started great, then triggers caused by a movie, the next not bad, but with triggers.

 

It's weird because we still have the same arguments (about family) from pre-affair, but now everything's more complicated.

 

The real doozy, was the family movie choice on Christmas Eve. We always watch old movies. We watched Christmas in Connecticut, which is about a woman pretending to be married (for work reasons), falling for another guy. One of the scenes is her flirting with him and asking what he'd do if she wasn't a "married woman."

 

I realized partway in that this movie would have triggers for H and reminded him that we could skip the movie, but he decided not to. Of course, that means he was thinking about the A all evening.

 

His family knows about the A, but I don't think they realize how much pain he still feels almost a year later. It certainly never occurred to anyone to suggest a different movie, or that this one might be hard for him, since she's not really married in the film.

 

I don't know if there was a question in there, just a report on Christmas. It wasn't bad like I feared, but there were definitely some tough moments. I could even feel him trying not to let them ruin Christmas for him or for me.

Edited December 26, 2013 by compulsivedancer

[lollipopspot]

One thing H worried about early on was that the holidays would be really rough, since I was sleeping with OM from Nov through Jan of last year. So far he doesn't seem to be triggering from this.

 

Christmas has been interesting. One day not good, the next started great, then triggers caused by a movie, the next not bad, but with triggers...

 

I realized partway in that this movie would have triggers for H and reminded him that we could skip the movie, but he decided not to. Of course, that means he was thinking about the A all evening.

 

His family knows about the A, but I don't think they realize how much pain he still feels almost a year later. It certainly never occurred to anyone to suggest a different movie, or that this one might be hard for him, since she's not really married in the film.

 

Honestly I think people invest way too much in holidays and cater to and nurse their personal sensitivities too much. He was pre-worried about the holidays because he invested them with a lot of significance. They're really days like any other days. The constant talk about "triggers" and hurt feelings because of a movie or a time of year...sometimes I think, just get on with it already.

 

I'm not someone who really invests a day with that much significance. The actual day that something happened and I'm going through it, sure. But to revisit and wallow in that same memory every year on that same calendar day or time of year just seems to me to be counter-productive and maybe a little over-dramatic. No offense to anyone.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

How do the holidays affect your relationships after DDay?

 

 

I don't find the holidays particularly difficult because there is a lot going on to keep me busy with friends and family.

 

 

My wife and I always exchanged cards for special days - Valentines, birthday, anniversary - and Christmas.

 

 

One thing that makes me, for lack of a better word, "uncomfortable," is the message of appreciation and undying and unconditional love that can be found in most of the cards designed for spouses. The messages in the spouse cards are along the lines of "you have been a terrific spouse and I love you deeply and always and forever and unconditionally." All true, but if you screw up again, I'll drop you like a bad habit. So much for undying and unconditional.

 

 

Maybe there should be a line of cards for former cheaters and their spouses.

[harrybrown]

The holidays are not what they used to be. Now I just try to get thru them.

 

She gave me a picture frame with someone saying something about forgiveness. I am not going to rugsweep.

 

She wanted a new phone, so she got one. I hope she uses it wisely. She also received perfume and a new quilting table that took about 10 hours for me to put the thing together. I wonder if the OM would spend that much time on something for her.

[Ap22]

The holidays are not what they used to be. Now I just try to get thru them.

 

 

 

True. This was always my favorite time of year. My wife cheated on me last November and i found out Nov 18th this year about her affair. Needless to say, I just wasnt in it this year. I didnt have a good time at the family get together and I just wanted to go home. Had it not been for the kids, I couldnt of cared less about the holidays.

 

As far as those cards, you gotta love when your WS gives you a card about loving the best husband in the world.....

[compulsivedancer]

Honestly I think people invest way too much in holidays and cater to and nurse their personal sensitivities too much. He was pre-worried about the holidays because he invested them with a lot of significance. They're really days like any other days. The constant talk about "triggers" and hurt feelings because of a movie or a time of year...sometimes I think, just get on with it already.

 

I'm not someone who really invests a day with that much significance. The actual day that something happened and I'm going through it, sure. But to revisit and wallow in that same memory every year on that same calendar day or time of year just seems to me to be counter-productive and maybe a little over-dramatic. No offense to anyone.

 

It's not something he can just turn off or on. He's not trying to be offended or upset by a movie. Sometimes it just all hits uncomfortably close to home for him. The problem is, he tries to not let it bother him and it doesn't work, so then he's moody and it's difficult for him to get back to just enjoying the day.

[BetrayedH]

Christmas has been interesting. One day not good, the next started great, then triggers caused by a movie, the next not bad, but with triggers.

 

It's weird because we still have the same arguments (about family) from pre-affair, but now everything's more complicated.

 

The real doozy, was the family movie choice on Christmas Eve. We always watch old movies. We watched Christmas in Connecticut, which is about a woman pretending to be married (for work reasons), falling for another guy. One of the scenes is her flirting with him and asking what he'd do if she wasn't a "married woman."

 

I realized partway in that this movie would have triggers for H and reminded him that we could skip the movie, but he decided not to. Of course, that means he was thinking about the A all evening.

 

His family knows about the A, but I don't think they realize how much pain he still feels almost a year later. It certainly never occurred to anyone to suggest a different movie, or that this one might be hard for him, since she's not really married in the film.

 

I don't know if there was a question in there, just a report on Christmas. It wasn't bad like I feared, but there were definitely some tough moments. I could even feel him trying not to let them ruin Christmas for him or for me.

 

I think that this is what it's like for some time to come. Initially, the WS has a lot of heavy lifting (NC, transparency, remorse, and so on) but as time passes, the heavy lifting transfers to the BS (as they try to choke down triggers and find forgiveness). This is not to say that the BS has it easy in the early days either but in the ensuing years, I think it's harder for the BS because it seems like an individual effort. You're wise to say that he was probably thinking of the affair all evening. And yes, he tries to do it solo so as not to ruin everything. Telling him that you're "happy" probably isn't wise because he's not there yet; being "thankful" might be a better route in the future. That would work well for me. Either way, you're communicating and trying to be proactive and I think you should definitely keep doing that. Remember that many reconciled BSs say that the second year was harder than the first. That's because the BS is doing a lot of heavy lifting still (which just wears on you because it seems neverending) and the WS tends to let down their guard. The BS may not even say anything because no one wants them to be over it more than they do. But that well-intentioned conflict-avoidance can lead to resentment. Keep on him, letting him know that you want to make it a team effort as much as possible.

 

And thanks for the nice note in a previous post; sorry I missed it.

[katielee]

I thought the holidays would be difficult because he was in an affair two years ago. I had a great day, the 23rd, when he met her for lunch AND drinks, while we waited in a restaurant for him to join us, our son just home from the Army.

However, the next day he said something to me that SHE always said to him and that set me off big time. go figure.

 

He offered tix to our son to go to a college basketball game - same place where she has season tickets, he went with her once, met her 5 year old son. I really don't seem to care if he goes with. That said, I really don't seem to care about him either. I want this for my son - time with his Dad.