Author Babolat Posted January 21, 2014 Author Share Posted January 21, 2014 You may want to get some IC yourself to see why you are attracted to broken women. It may be that by becoming (or trying to become) the rescuer in a relationship, you are trying to work through some problems within yourself. You may want to explore that in counseling. I could not agree more...I'm having that conversation over text with one of my female best friends, as I type! She thinks I want to be "the hero". She also thinks, that by being their hero, they will love me and never leave me. I don't feel that at all, but I get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I'm glad you finally made a decision. There was just way too much hemming and hawing and overanalysis that delayed the inevitable IMO. But now that the inevitable is here, you and her both can be free to find others that are more of a fit per se. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I think this decision was inevitable, and I think it was the right one. I'm sorry it turned out that way though. Link to post Share on other sites
Mariposa10 Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 How long were you two "dating"? (you know trying to get back together). Also, what are you gonna do if she contacts you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Babolat Posted January 22, 2014 Author Share Posted January 22, 2014 (edited) About 2 months. I felt good for about 2-3 weeks, then, started feeling anxious again and it took me a while to figure out why. I have not formally said "No" to her. I told her I was done on the phone Monday night, but she was talking over me so much I doubt she heard me. All she wanted to do was get off the phone when I tried to ask her questions. She was very nasty to me, which kind of makes sense, I was upset the day before with her, but, I went out of my way to apologize for my comments, told her I was wrong in my tone and comments, though while on the phone all she did is tell me how ridiculous I was, how I blew her away, and she did not have the time or patience to talk to me. Fine, I get that, but don't tell me it's OK to call to talk then; say you need more time. I had my time, 24+ hours to calm down, tell me you need "your time" to clam down. The whole tone from her was just rude, nasty, selfish and I am not going to allow my partner to talk to me that way. I think she realizes her bad/poor choices once I ask about them, she feels defensive, doesn't have an answer other than she did make a poor choice, so she shuts down and turns it back on me. Every time I tried to ask a question she turned it back on me. My main issue right now is trust and ongoing poor choices. She slept with her ex this past summer, during periods of time she was coming to me to have update talks, and, we had sex then, lots of sex. When I asked her about this when she announced it to me, about a week after we met to talk about dating agian, she said it was a poor choice, but why she did it was none of my business. I asked her if she thought is was morally OK in her mind to have sex with two men at the same time. She said "you and I were not comitted, so yes". In my mind, there was a level of comittment there. This same woman told me, 5 weeks after we initially met, before we had sex for the first time, that she does not have sex with a man until they are exclusive. So now I question who she really is because yes, she had sex with two men at the same time, this summer. Two men she was emotionally nvolved with. So that, is a big trust issue for me. I want to better understand that and her current relationship with her ex, as they are now FB friends. She shut down Monday night when I asked and said "I'd rather talk about you and I, not him". Realizing she may not have heard my message, last night I texted her asking if we could meet to talk for a few minutes, so I can deliver my message. She agreed we needed to talk, and I left it up to her when that will happen. Edited January 22, 2014 by Babolat Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 What need is there for you to understand her relationship with her ex? She has a problem with boundaries, that became apparent long ago. Sleeping with two men and excusing it because you haven't claimed the proper level of exclusivity (in her mind) with either of them? ? Sorry, some things are just wrong in my book, and that's one of them. Having sex indicates a commitment. She may have changed a few things on the surface, but her core is intact, and she's getting annoyed with you picking at it. I have a feeling that you're going to get sucked back into this when you meet up with her to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Babolat Posted January 22, 2014 Author Share Posted January 22, 2014 What need is there for you to understand her relationship with her ex? She has a problem with boundaries, that became apparent long ago. Sleeping with two men and excusing it because you haven't claimed the proper level of exclusivity (in her mind) with either of them? ? Sorry, some things are just wrong in my book, and that's one of them. Having sex indicates a commitment. She may have changed a few things on the surface, but her core is intact, and she's getting annoyed with you picking at it. I have a feeling that you're going to get sucked back into this when you meet up with her to talk. I agree with you, and, it's a better way of looking at it. And no, she will not suck me back in. In fact, I have desire to even talk to her other than to tell her goodbye. I need that before I can move forward with another woman and feel right about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Babolat Posted January 22, 2014 Author Share Posted January 22, 2014 The challenge I have, is, what message do I deliver to her, without her feeling attacked, picked on, hurt? "We just don't work?". Or do I share with her what some of you have said here, about poor boundaries, poor judgment, lack of control, being irresponsible, etc? I want her to hear what I really feel, and see, in hopes that one day she will take care of this. But, in the end, I could also say, it's none of my business. She surrounds herself with friends and family, and even her exes, who don't see this, and who have never talked to her about this to the best of my knowledge. She hears "you have picked the wrong men", which is probably true to a degree. She does not understand why things are great in her dating relationships for the first 12 months, then the men become controlling. I now get why: it's her to a degree. She may wander around forever and never understand this. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I think you are just two different people. You have different morals and ways of looking at things. I don't even think it has to mean one of you is right, and one of you is wrong. You're just different. I dated a guy on and off for two years that smoked pot everyday. We got along great, had great chemistry, ect, but I just wasn't into that lifestyle. It's his choice, but mine was different in the end. He's a great person, but he just wasn't for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Babolat Posted January 22, 2014 Author Share Posted January 22, 2014 I think you are just two different people. You have different morals and ways of looking at things. I don't even think it has to mean one of you is right, and one of you is wrong. You're just different. I dated a guy on and off for two years that smoked pot everyday. We got along great, had great chemistry, ect, but I just wasn't into that lifestyle. It's his choice, but mine was different in the end. He's a great person, but he just wasn't for me. This is exactly how I feel with her. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 This is exactly how I feel with her. It's better to call it off now than to waste more time with her. You have to cut your losses at some point when the writing is on the wall. I feel that if you really want to be with someone, it shouldn't be this difficult, and you should know without all of the analyzing. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 It's better to call it off now than to waste more time with her. You have to cut your losses at some point when the writing is on the wall. I feel that if you really want to be with someone, it shouldn't be this difficult, and you should know without all of the analyzing. When it's right, it's REALLY easy. No work, very little compromise. Sadly, I've come to believe that a lot of people will never find it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xUnknown Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 The challenge I have, is, what message do I deliver to her, without her feeling attacked, picked on, hurt? "We just don't work?". Or do I share with her what some of you have said here, about poor boundaries, poor judgment, lack of control, being irresponsible, etc? I want her to hear what I really feel, and see, in hopes that one day she will take care of this. But, in the end, I could also say, it's none of my business. She surrounds herself with friends and family, and even her exes, who don't see this, and who have never talked to her about this to the best of my knowledge. She hears "you have picked the wrong men", which is probably true to a degree. She does not understand why things are great in her dating relationships for the first 12 months, then the men become controlling. I now get why: it's her to a degree. She may wander around forever and never understand this. You need to tell her how it is. Be honest and tell her the thoughts that are on your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
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