How to forgive, forget and accept someone has changed

[RedRobin]

Correct

 

 

 

Not correct, we never discussed this. She shared, in her words, in the event it came up in the future she did not want me to think she was hiding it.

 

 

 

I am not saying she cheated, I am saying for me, it feels that way, who & when she had sex, not the act of sex itself, and I would like to move past that feeling. If she had dated someone, had a one night stand, or whatever, I would not care. No, I did not share my stories; I was going to when she said what I did while we were apart did not matter to her as we were not dating

 

Fair enough.

 

... and about the counting drinks thing... It's the number one reason I won't knowingly date a former alcoholic/addict. My grandfather on my dad's side was a very abusive alcoholic. Put my dad and his sisters through hell until my grandmother divorced him. My knowledge of alcoholism and addiction, and how few fully recover, make me a poor match for anyone with that history.

 

I'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Can't do it.

 

This is what you'd be doing too. It seems very exhausting and not an enjoyable way to go through life. Life poses enough challenges as it is.

 

You know what this reminds me of?? Alcoholics Anonymous... she's using you as her 'sponsor'. Not good. If I were you, I'd advise her to seek a treatment group, a 12 step program, or something along those lines... then step gracefully out of her life. These things take a long time...

Edited November 26, 2013 by RedRobin

[brokenheart1992]

Some people actually do change when they finally realize their mistakes. If she claims that she has changed, maybe she really has or is working really hard on changing. But you'll never know until you take that risk. And if you feel like you have a special connection with her and you really love her, then maybe you should take the risk because you never know how it'll turn out. Everybody makes mistakes because we're all human and just because someone made a mistake or is dysfunctional, that doesn't mean they're not good relationship partners and don't deserve to be loved. Of course, if you do try again and the same problems come up again, then I suggest you leave. But as for now, if you want to try again with her, then follow your heart or you may regret it in the future.

[Lokie]

IMHO, watching and counting drinks in quite the opposite of codependent recovery, which is really about focusing on yourself, your motives, your choices while letting go of the other person's behavior.

 

The types of changes you are seeking in this woman take years, not several months. Her consistent behavior will be the only indicator of change.

 

L

[Babolat]

If she has changed, she needs more time alone, to make sure that she is not dependent on you for this change. You have a codependent relationship, which is not healthy. You're like drugs to each other. The relationship is very volatile and if you do see some progress on her, why not wait a little more and maybe when you're at your healthiest self you won't want each other? A good relationship is smooth sailing, and not a lot of drama. And no you don't forget someone's past, especially if you were part of it. But you do can forgive. I think y'all need some extensive counselling if you want to go back together.

 

Clarification: she has been delivering the change message since May, especially related to drinking. She said she quickly realized that is not something she wanted to do anymore. Back then the conversations where more around compromise; what could she do to compromise on drinking, with her cutting back. I never responded as it wasn't something I was interested in.

 

The new message, is "I am ready to commit to you now. I now realize I was not fully committed to the relationship, which explains a lot of my actions, choices and behaviors. I have made changes that I want to make, for me, not for you. I needed time, alone, to make sure these changes were real, I no longer want to live the life I was living during my transitions, I am more grounded and stable now, I am still working on myself, I can contribute to us, will you commit to me and take a risk on us, on me"

 

She is not saying she is perfect now. She is not saying she has it all figured out She is saying she has put the time in to figure things out and start down a path she wants to start down, and she has made a lot of progress. and she wants me and she has plans to make more changes. .

[Babolat]

Fair enough.

 

... and about the counting drinks thing... It's the number one reason I won't knowingly date a former alcoholic/addict. My grandfather on my dad's side was a very abusive alcoholic. Put my dad and his sisters through hell until my grandmother divorced him. My knowledge of alcoholism and addiction, and how few fully recover, make me a poor match for anyone with that history.

 

I'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Can't do it.

 

This is what you'd be doing too. It seems very exhausting and not an enjoyable way to go through life. Life poses enough challenges as it is.

 

You know what this reminds me of?? Alcoholics Anonymous... she's using you as her 'sponsor'. Not good. If I were you, I'd advise her to seek a treatment group, a 12 step program, or something along those lines... then step gracefully out of her life. These things take a long time...

 

My moms mom was an alcoholic, probably killed her. My step dad was one too. So I understand what you are saying.

[Babolat]

I appreciate all the comments, and concerns. I have a lot of doubt, a lot of concerns, and I am not ready to move forward without more talks, more understanding, and some type of commitments from her, and defined boundaries.

 

I am in a much stronger place than I was 4 months ago with her. I can walk away now, then, not so sure I could have, though I actually did. She was never proposing us getting back together until now though. The past 8 months has mostly been talk, and then her saying she needs time alone to work on herself.

 

Back to my original post, should I decide to move forward, how does one do this? Do I say "do this" "be this" or else? That does not feel right to me. How do I define my boundaries without being controling?

[Babolat]

I think you just need to try being friends with her. If there's something there, if there's something worth salvaging, it'll wait. Just try being friends. The rest will follow when you're comfortable.

 

Make that clear to her - you are platonic friends for now. If she tries to push you into anything else, back away.

I was actually thinking about this. And no, she's not pushing. In fact today she sent me a text stating she's going to give me all the space I need.

[Babolat]

Sounds good so far. Keep her as a casual acquaintance and treat her as such. Be warm, but guarded. If it's meant to happen, she'll provide plenty of evidence that she's a changed woman.

 

Monday she asked if I had plans tonight. I said no. She said if her daughter spends the night with family maybe we can see each other. I did not reply.

 

Last night she texted me to tell me she was not following up on my plans intentionally, as she wanted to give me space, if I wanted it.

 

I told her, my immediate thought when she ask if I had plans tonight, was, what happened last year on this night. I met her at a bar, with some of her friends, and she was drunk. Eyes glassed over, she stumbled to greet me, we tried to dance, but she was bumping into people. I made sure her friends would take care of her, then left. I sat outside for 15 minutes, felt bad, then went back in to take her back to my place. She had drove herself so we had to go get her car the next day. While at my house that night I told her I did not want to sleep in the same bed with her, since she was drunk. She got very upset and said some pretty hurtful things, which, she did not remember the next morning. She was hurt that I did not want to be in the bed with her. She was still on Xanax then and thinks she blacked out.

 

I finally replied yes, I would like to see you, we need to talk more, but I do not want to go out and drink. She replied, asking why I assumed she wanted to go out, she said just wanted to see me. I replied stating it was a naturual reaction given what happend this time last year. She said she was confused and did not understand why I would assume she wants to go out, that she just wanted to see me. We left the conversation there, too much to test I said.

 

Maybe this is a good sign, that she does not want to go out to drink..I dunno.

 

I can't be with her all the time, watch her all the time, even as a friend.

 

I did tell her over text last night, as talking points for our next talk, that I have a lot of bad, hurtful memories and I also asked her why she slept with her ex, if, indeed she is someone trying to imporve herself, make changes. I reminded her the time period is the same time we were sleeping with each other and having talks about working on us. I told her we can talk about it in person, not over text, she agreed. After thinking on it, I don't see it as cheating, more as an example of bad judgement, questionable character, and I want to hear what she says about it. She could have slept with anyone she wanted to, we were apart, but her ex, and during a period of time when we were sleeping together and having reconciliation talks, of sorts. That is questionable to me.

[Babolat]

A general theme I hear on this post, and on a lot of others, is dysfunctional people are not good dating partners. Though, I do not disagree, my best guess is, we are all dysfunctional, to a degree, and, we all have stuff we are always dealing with and working on.

 

I am not defending my ex with this comment. I am simply stating I am dysfunctional (I grew up with an emotionally abusive father, who physically abused my mom, he was also an alcoholic), I know it, I work on it, I recognize it, I try to see when it's showing it's face, and I now think I have a lot of "tools in my shed" to grab when I need them.

 

I will never be 100%. I will slip, I know I will. At 47, I would like to think I am better than I was at 27, 37, heck, at 46.

 

I think, what's important, is that people recognize their issues (Step 1, the big one) and then, put plans in place to change and grow (Step 2). I know my ex has been through Step 1, many times in her life, and, most recently as a result of our relationship. The unknown to me is hwere is she with Step 2. I am not going to toss her out to the trash, simply because, she is dysfunctional, which means, by default, she is not an ideal dating partner.

 

She has issues, big ones, major ones. Some men may care less (her exes for example never mentioned drinking once as, well, they were all drinkers).

 

All I am asking, is should I decide to move forward, slowly, how, how do I do this, how do I confirm Step 2 is in place and stays in place? I like the friend idea. Any others?

 

Honestly, right now, I am not feeling it, and it's because I don't trust her. How does one regain, rebuild that trust? For those who were cheated on (the only thing I can compare this too, not saying she cheated on me), how do you let them back in?

 

 

Thanks

[Canadiangirl78]

My ex fiancé and I (been broken up for two months) have started seeing each other a lot recently and I totally understand your hesitation as my ex has an issue with drinking and partying more than I would like too, so I get it. I understand the questions you have about the changes being real etc. I'm in a similar situation myself. When it comes to them making the changes that we need to see, keep in mind that it is very easy for them to show you change when you're not with them all the time. You said you went out with her one night and she only had x number if drinks. That is great but keep in mind that her doing that could be a smokescreen. It's very easy to "behave" yourself for one night. I am by no means saying don't try again if that's what you want, but just be wary of the changes she is said to be making. I have myself found that my ex is great at being what he thinks I want when we are together, but I question how he is when we are apart. Those questions that I and you seem to have can only be answered in time. Time will reveal to you whether or not the said changes have really been made or made only when she is in your presence. I wish you all the luck in the world, whatever you decide.

[Babolat]

[Q UOTE=aspiringuitarheroine;5369224]If you're not feeling it, keep your distance. And don't have the meaningful talks over text. Keep texts light and banal, and save the deep and meaningful stuff for a phone call or in person.I agree, regarding the meeting for talks in person. The only reason I mentioned the ex over text, was to give her time to think about it. I did not want her to feel blindsided if I brought It up in conversation.

[BC1980]

A general theme I hear on this post, and on a lot of others, is dysfunctional people are not good dating partners. Though, I do not disagree, my best guess is, we are all dysfunctional, to a degree, and, we all have stuff we are always dealing with and working on.

 

I am not defending my ex with this comment. I am simply stating I am dysfunctional (I grew up with an emotionally abusive father, who physically abused my mom, he was also an alcoholic), I know it, I work on it, I recognize it, I try to see when it's showing it's face, and I now think I have a lot of "tools in my shed" to grab when I need them.

 

I will never be 100%. I will slip, I know I will. At 47, I would like to think I am better than I was at 27, 37, heck, at 46.

 

I think, what's important, is that people recognize their issues (Step 1, the big one) and then, put plans in place to change and grow (Step 2). I know my ex has been through Step 1, many times in her life, and, most recently as a result of our relationship. The unknown to me is hwere is she with Step 2. I am not going to toss her out to the trash, simply because, she is dysfunctional, which means, by default, she is not an ideal dating partner.

 

She has issues, big ones, major ones. Some men may care less (her exes for example never mentioned drinking once as, well, they were all drinkers).

 

All I am asking, is should I decide to move forward, slowly, how, how do I do this, how do I confirm Step 2 is in place and stays in place? I like the friend idea. Any others?

 

Honestly, right now, I am not feeling it, and it's because I don't trust her. How does one regain, rebuild that trust? For those who were cheated on (the only thing I can compare this too, not saying she cheated on me), how do you let them back in?

 

 

Thanks

 

I was talking with someone at work about how we all have issues. The difference is that some people deal with them and grow. Some people stagnate and never address problems. We all have baggage, but it's how we deal with it that makes all the difference.

 

I think you are asking good questions about how to discern if someone has changed, and the only good answer is time. They would have to prove themselves. Of course, it's a gamble because it could be a waste of time in the end.

 

I think GuitarHeroine is onto something by recommending friendship. Maybe just take it slowly and see where it goes.

[Manutara]

I'm very sceptical about people changing in a couple of months. I think that real change takes years, during which the person undertakes a profound review of their behaviour and begins to address issues. Only then can you come back to someone, particularly someone who knows you as well as your ex, and say 'I've changed and I want you to give me another chance to prove it'.

 

As others have said here, second chances only work when taken as a new relationship, rather than a continuation of the previous one, albeit with a brief hiatus in the middle.

 

I've been in your position, and after breaks of months we ultimately fell back into all of the same pitfalls. However my ex from 3 years ago got back in touch a few weeks back, having had minimal contact during that time and her having gone overseas for 2 years, and for the first time I'm really seeing real changes...interesting.

[Babolat]

I'm very sceptical about people changing in a couple of months. I think that real change takes years, during which the person undertakes a profound review of their behaviour and begins to address issues. Only then can you come back to someone, particularly someone who knows you as well as your ex, and say 'I've changed and I want you to give me another chance to prove it'.

 

As others have said here, second chances only work when taken as a new relationship, rather than a continuation of the previous one, albeit with a brief hiatus in the middle.

 

I've been in your position, and after breaks of months we ultimately fell back into all of the same pitfalls. However my ex from 3 years ago got back in touch a few weeks back, having had minimal contact during that time and her having gone overseas for 2 years, and for the first time I'm really seeing real changes...interesting.

It's been over 8 months. And you are right. It takes years. I'm skeptical and my eyes are wide open. I am very surprised what I have seen in a week..it's only a week though.

[thora-tiki]

About being her friend:

 

This is what people said I should do too:

try being dildo face's friend (my ex), take long walks and talk, answer his e-mails be his pen pal, and see where that took us,

when dildo face started to mail the really sincere e-mails, this was after 7-8 months of un-broken no contact.

 

I said no. Fu*k no.

 

I don't want to be his friend. I didn't want to make it easy for him.

I knew I needed hardcore no contact.

 

Dildo face also needed it.

To keep evolving.

 

Yes, your ex is evolving, but it is not complete.

 

It is just three months or so, of evolving, which is great, but not enough.

 

And I am talking about you.

Not enough time has passed for you, my friend.

 

You are the one that needs more no contact time, to evolve past the break up, heal,

let go of the old failed relationship and move on. *

 

You are not evolved or ready to date (the ex).

 

You can not keep bringing up the past every fu*king time you text the ex or

talk with the ex or think about the ex.

 

The past is in the past.

 

Like I have said before, trying to reconnect with an un-evolved ex is agony.

 

The more you focus on your evolution, and the less you worry about what the ex does -

the faster you will evolve.

 

In time you will realise that your old relationship is dead, and nothing you can do will bring it back,

and then you will bury it, mourn it and move on. *

 

You will finally let it go.

The sooner you realise this, that you have to let go of the old failed relationship -

yes, let go of all the gruesome memories, the gory details, all the times she was awful to you -

the sooner you evolve and can handle this from a perspective of strength and power.

 

Just because you're letting go of your old failed relationship does not mean you are giving up on your ex forever.

 

Time will tell if you were meant for each other or not.

 

You will just have the advantage of the upper hand =

nothing she will do can ever disappoint you again because you will see it coming

and will stop it before it begins.

 

If you read my thread, my no contact story,

you will see that we come from similar old failed relationships:

a relationship with three people:

me, dildo face and alcohol/you, her and alcohol.

 

Let her go.

 

This is when you will be ready to decide if you want to reconnect with the ex.

 

When you get over her, you can still make that call with the mood of calling an old friend, when if you want to reconnect sometime in the future.

 

I really believe that's the feeling and state of mind (of the successful) people have when they make that re-connection call and meet up, with no (deep or romantic) feelings attached.

 

After all, this reconnecting period should feel like a new relationship/first date.

 

Not you two just picking up where you left it =

another go at a dying relationship involving the same two un-evolved people.

 

You are you bringing it (the past) up again and again, and counting her drinks -

what the fu*k?

 

Only one counting her drinks should be her. Not you.

 

My ex, dildo face, also used to drink a lot.

 

It was exhausting.

 

Only reason you can't/won't let go of the past is because you are not ready.

 

You will fu*k this up.

Not her.

Mark my words.

 

Why?

 

Because you are not ready.

 

If you were ready, you would know that this, bringing the past into the future is a recipe for disaster.

 

And you will fail.

 

All you need is no contact, and evolve past the break up, let go of the past failed relationship.

If anything will work at all it is to let go and move on. *

 

When you do this, the ex will evolve too.

And to me, she seems to be miles ahead of you.

 

* Most people fear the phrase «let go»/«move on» they seem to think it is the end of the world, and it is -

it is the end of that fu*ked up roller coaster world you have been living in with your ex.

 

People should remember that «let go»/«move on» is really just moving forward and leaving

the past behind and preparing for an even better future having learned from

your past mistakes - when they get their ex back - without evolving -

nothing has changed - the fu*ked up roller coaster starts all over again.

 

Only this time the roller coaster wagon will be missing some important parts...

 

PM me if you need anything at all - we're all here to help you out.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that friends only is the best approach for now. Without all the sex chemicals swirling through everything, you'll be able to evaluate the facts and your feelings much more clearly.

[xxoo]

All I am asking, is should I decide to move forward, slowly, how, how do I do this, how do I confirm Step 2 is in place and stays in place? I like the friend idea. Any others?

 

Honestly, right now, I am not feeling it, and it's because I don't trust her. How does one regain, rebuild that trust? For those who were cheated on (the only thing I can compare this too, not saying she cheated on me), how do you let them back in?

 

 

Thanks

 

Time is necessary to show consistency, which builds trust.

 

DO NOT date her until and unless you trust her. If you think you are capable of resisting the temptation to sleep with her for the instant gratification, go ahead and be friends with her and let her show you, over time, how much she's sincerely changed. If it's the real deal, at some point you'll know, and if at that point you trust, then you might consider the next step.

 

In reality, I doubt you and she have the self-control to be that patient when it comes to each other.

[Ruby Slippers]

In reality, I doubt you and she have the self-control to be that patient when it comes to each other.

Yes, looking back I can see that this is the mistake my ex and I made in our second chance. I should have been just friends with him first, then slowly and gradually allowed him to escalate the friendship to flirtation and dating, provided the feelings were unfolding in a way that felt good to both of us.

 

We had a brief friendly period when we got back together, but it was too brief. It wasn't long before we fell right back into bed, and right back into the same dynamics from before.

 

Learn from my mistakes! If I could go back and do it again, I would be strictly friends with him at first, so we could just talk as two human beings and evaluate the situation objectively.

[sidney2718]

Time is necessary to show consistency, which builds trust.

 

DO NOT date her until and unless you trust her. If you think you are capable of resisting the temptation to sleep with her for the instant gratification, go ahead and be friends with her and let her show you, over time, how much she's sincerely changed. If it's the real deal, at some point you'll know, and if at that point you trust, then you might consider the next step.

 

In reality, I doubt you and she have the self-control to be that patient when it comes to each other.

 

I agree with this. The only way you can gain trust in her is by her actively doing things to allow trust. At some point you will have to address this with her. Not now. Now you are just friends. You will know when the time comes.

 

Yes, this is tougher than it would be if you'd in fact just met. But the trust issue is part of your joint history and it will not go away on its own. You need to have it built for you.

[Babolat]

We talked a lot more this weekend. I can tell you, she has changed for her, not for me. I see and hear a woman who has changed. I see a woman who has changed for her, for herself, to better herself.She repeatedly told me this was something she needed to go though by herself, and she was never sure what the outcome would be. I talked to her about what bothered me about us. I talked to her about the type of life I did not want to have with her. I was black and white and stating if I saw anything that remotely suggested to me she has not changed, I would be leaving quickly. She agreed, and like others have said here we both agreed this would take a lot of time.

[Babolat]

About being her friend:

 

This is what people said I should do too:

try being dildo face's friend (my ex), take long walks and talk, answer his e-mails be his pen pal, and see where that took us,

when dildo face started to mail the really sincere e-mails, this was after 7-8 months of un-broken no contact.

 

I said no. Fu*k no.

 

I don't want to be his friend. I didn't want to make it easy for him.

 

I knew I needed hardcore no contact.

 

Dildo face also needed it.

To keep evolving.

 

Yes, your ex is evolving, but it is not complete.

 

It is just three months or so, of evolving, which is great, but not enough.

 

And I am talking about you.

Not enough time has passed for you, my friend.

 

You are the one that needs more no contact time, to evolve past the break up, heal,

let go of the old failed relationship and move on. *

 

You are not evolved or ready to date (the ex).

 

You can not keep bringing up the past every fu*king time you text the ex or

talk with the ex or think about the ex.

 

The past is in the past.

 

Like I have said before, trying to reconnect with an un-evolved ex is agony.

 

The more you focus on your evolution, and the less you worry about what the ex does -

the faster you will evolve.

 

In time you will realise that your old relationship is dead, and nothing you can do will bring it back,

and then you will bury it, mourn it and move on. *

 

You will finally let it go.

 

The sooner you realise this, that you have to let go of the old failed relationship -

yes, let go of all the gruesome memories, the gory details, all the times she was awful to you -

the sooner you evolve and can handle this from a perspective of strength and power.

 

Just because you're letting go of your old failed relationship does not mean you are giving up on your ex forever.

 

Time will tell if you were meant for each other or not.

 

You will just have the advantage of the upper hand =

nothing she will do can ever disappoint you again because you will see it coming

and will stop it before it begins.

 

If you read my thread, my no contact story,

you will see that we come from similar old failed relationships:

a relationship with three people:

me, dildo face and alcohol/you, her and alcohol.

 

Let her go.

 

This is when you will be ready to decide if you want to reconnect with the ex.

 

When you get over her, you can still make that call with the mood of calling an old friend, when if you want to reconnect sometime in the future.

 

I really believe that's the feeling and state of mind (of the successful) people have when they make that re-connection call and meet up, with no (deep or romantic) feelings attached.

 

After all, this reconnecting period should feel like a new relationship/first date.

 

Not you two just picking up where you left it =

another go at a dying relationship involving the same two un-evolved people.

 

You are you bringing it (the past) up again and again, and counting her drinks -

what the fu*k?

 

Only one counting her drinks should be her. Not you.

 

My ex, dildo face, also used to drink a lot.

 

It was exhausting.

 

Only reason you can't/won't let go of the past is because you are not ready.

 

You will fu*k this up.

Not her.

Mark my words.

 

Why?

 

Because you are not ready.

 

If you were ready, you would know that this, bringing the past into the future is a recipe for disaster.

 

And you will fail.

 

All you need is no contact, and evolve past the break up, let go of the past failed relationship.

If anything will work at all it is to let go and move on. *

 

When you do this, the ex will evolve too.

And to me, she seems to be miles ahead of you.

 

* Most people fear the phrase «let go»/«move on» they seem to think it is the end of the world, and it is -

it is the end of that fu*ked up roller coaster world you have been living in with your ex.

 

People should remember that «let go»/«move on» is really just moving forward and leaving

the past behind and preparing for an even better future having learned from

your past mistakes - when they get their ex back - without evolving -

nothing has changed - the fu*ked up roller coaster starts all over again.

 

Only this time the roller coaster wagon will be missing some important parts...

 

PM me if you need anything at all - we're all here to help you out.

 

Great post! It's interesting to her you say she has evolved more than me. And, to some degree, she has talked about this in her comments on what she had to go through, what she had to process, and where she is now. As she put it, she had to let go of me and figure out who she is and what she wanted for herself now, and in the future.

 

She said she had issues with me, talked about a few, though said she has moved passed them and is ready to commit to me, to us, 100%.

 

I good example of what you say, about me, we spent the past 2 days together , than around 6PM she was feeling ansy (her daughter had spent the past dw days with her grandother). She said she needed to pick her up and wanted to spend time with her.. She said she would invite me over but she needed to spend time with he daughter. I found this odd as earlier in the week she texted me to state I was welcome to come over to her place anytime I wanted to, she understood if I needed space.

 

I texted her around 10PM to say hi, I never heard from her until about 1AM, stating she had fun wither her daughter, went to see a friend (one of her partying friends). My immediate thought was "she needed to get away from me and go party...why did she not invite me to come back to her place with her". I had immediate hurt thoughts of "she has not changed, back to her party friends place, and, why could she just not tell me she was meeting her friend as I doubt those plans happened in a matter of minutes, and was probably planned. Prior to her leaving she was encouraging me to go out with one of my buddies, which felt kind of odd.

 

When we talked yesterday she said she is done with drinking heavy, no more coke, she may smoke pot from time to time (every few months and even then just a hit or two), and she may still want to go to a girlfriends house and have a few drinks. but not to the point of being drunk.I talked to her about control, does she have the control to stop after a few drinks. She said yes, absolutely. it's something she has been doing for many months, and needed to know it was her, before she talked to me. She also said when she dos drink now, it's slower, over a longer period od time, and she monitors herself, when she starts to feel tipsy, she stops.

 

I do believe she has evolved, a lot, and has more to go. She states his too.

 

The question, as you say, is where am I? I was dating, even started having sex with someone, which is a big deal for me. I had a few dates with a girl I was starting to like. This girl texted me yesterday stating it's rare she gives her mind, body and soul to anyone and she wants to do that with me..if tat is what I want, wow!

 

I still have some other "tugs", girls I had started getting to know. My plan was to date, not get in a relationship fast, like I normally do, and see how it felt. I was feeling a bit out of control with this, which I about the time the ex texted me.

 

We talked about the past this weekend only to address where she is now, and what she sees her future like, no for me to dwell on it. I also told her I need to go very slow, that I need to see this change in her, and she agrees.

 

We have had sex, a lot of sex. I'm not sure how to put the brakes on that now, though I feel like I can.

 

Again, great post!

[xxoo]

The question, as you say, is where am I? I was dating, even started having sex with someone, which is a big deal for me. I had a few dates with a girl I was starting to like. This girl texted me yesterday stating it's rare she gives her mind, body and soul to anyone and she wants to do that with me..if tat is what I want, wow!

 

I still have some other "tugs", girls I had started getting to know. My plan was to date, not get in a relationship fast, like I normally do, and see how it felt. I was feeling a bit out of control with this, which I about the time the ex texted me.

 

We talked about the past this weekend only to address where she is now, and what she sees her future like, no for me to dwell on it. I also told her I need to go very slow, that I need to see this change in her, and she agrees.

 

We have had sex, a lot of sex. I'm not sure how to put the brakes on that now, though I feel like I can.

 

Again, great post!

 

Are you currently have sex with the new woman (who texted about wanting more) and the ex? Isn't that something you got upset about the ex doing? (having sex with an ex while still having sex with you)

[Divasu]

I don't think it is healthy for her to look to you for acceptance/redemption.

 

You went along with the partying for quite awhile yourself. Perhaps not quite as much... but you enjoyed the nights out too, or so I recall. Funded by you too, correct??

 

Also not good for her to be sharing what she did while you two were in limbo based on your response above. If memory serves, there was a don't ask, don't tell policy going on between the two of you at the time.

 

You don't get to go back and claim she 'cheated' on you. She didn't. You two weren't together. You were actively pursuing, if not sleeping with, at least two other women at the time. Did you share that with her?? Or no.

 

And why the concern about whether the sex with her ex emotional or not? You've had a FWB yourself for awhile now.

 

Now you want to come here with the information she unwisely shared with you... for what??

 

This thing is so over. Time to stop re-writing history and just move on.

 

This.

 

I've read numerous threads, OP has A LOT of double standards. That needs to be rectified first before getting into ANY relationship, especially with a woman who only adds fuel to the fire. Drama-lama.

[Ruby Slippers]

It seems to me that it's mostly a strong sexual attraction that's keeping things going for you two. When you're not having sex with her, you feel anxious, worried, bad, not interested. But after you get naked, as soon as you have a minute to yourself, you go into analytical mode, trying to rationalize the union and make it work.

 

I really think it would help you get clear about things to stop having sex with her. But given your temperament and history, I don't see you having the restraint to do that. Unfortunately, I think you're going to quickly get back to similar dynamics as you had before, because you're so high on the sexual connection that you're not as discerning as you would be if you kept things platonic for a while.

 

Basically, you're diving back in, when a more careful, measured approach would probably be more successful in the long run.

[Babolat]

Are you currently have sex with the new woman (who texted about wanting more) and the ex? Isn't that something you got upset about the ex doing? (having sex with an ex while still having sex with you)

No, not at all, I could never do that. In fact I have not seen the woman I mention since I met with the ex almost 2 weeks ago. I had two dates with her prior to meeting the ex for dinner, and we did not have sex.