The hits just keep coming...

[Raena]

I tell you what, it sure does seem like I can't get a break.

 

Ex and his skank are busy shacking up... meanwhile my life is falling apart.

 

Yesterday, I had to take our dog to the vet. I found out that she has a tumor that is so large the vet doesn't think it makes sense to operate. I have to put her to sleep. I got her just before I met him. She's been with us for 11 years.

 

While I was at the vets getting this news... ex decided he would start harrasing me via text message. He sent me text after text after text about what a piece of crap he thinks I am, that he stopped loving me a long time ago, that he was having an affair right under my nose and I was too stupid to notice and on and on. I swear I thought I was going to lose it. I said many things back to him that I should have said long ago. I don't even understand why he started blasting me. All I did was tell him that I was at the vets and that our dog is very sick. I thought he'd like to know since he loved her so much.

 

Then, today was our son's birthday. He promised to come to the movies with us and then out to dinner to celebrate (putting aside our differences just for our son's sake). Just before he was supposed to come, he texts and says he is going to work instead. Now what is funny about that is... Friday nights are overtime for him... he told me last week that there is no overtime until after January. So, he was lying. And then to top it off... his skank was busy posting on twitter about how they were having sex this evening and made more nasty comments about me.

 

Will this craziness ever end?

 

Seriously? Why not just leave me ALONE? I mean, haven't I suffered enough? Why keep rubbing my face in it?

 

Am I the only person who has had an ex and the OW he cheated on me with act in such a crazy manner?

 

Ugh, I just need to cut contact altogether. How do I do that when we have a child together?

[Damia]

In one word "Guilt"

He is probably very ashamed of what he is doing/ has done but if he can off load the blame onto you then he will feel better. His S....k is in his ear spewing vitriol an to prove to her he is into her he will be acting out.

is there a possibility it could have been her not him sending the txts?

 

I am sorry about your dog everything seem twice as bad at the beginning of a breakup

 

I have been where you are and with time life improves but when you are in the middle of it the world is a dark place.

 

Find your support crew and batten down. Your X is in "the fog" very toxic and will not surface for sometime If you can read the "no contact posts" on this site it's good advise and will help.

It is possible to go no contact personally but still have limited contact about your son.

 

Good luck and always look for the silver lining, sometimes it's hard to see but it's usually there

[lollipopspot]

From reading this post...

 

- you're good to be done with the husband! It sounds as though he and that woman deserve each other. If you have to deal with him concerning the child, just do it in as efficient a way as possible, and try to let the crap he says roll off your back and don't engage.

 

- the son may not have been lying. If he works in retail or a restaurant or something like that, things change all the time. They may have said no overtime until January and then changed the policy out of necessity. Even if he was lying - it's fairly minor and he probably was trying to protect your feelings because he wanted to do something else. Let it go.

 

- I'm sorry about the dog. That's the tragedy I see here. I'm sure he had a nice life with you and you'll provide him with a peaceful passing.

[Raena]

No he doesn't work in retail or a restaurant. I have another family member who works at the same place and he said the same thing... no overtime until January. So yes, he lied. It doesn't really matter the reason why... it wasn't about me or him... it was about our son. He wanted to see his father on his birthday. Only a piece of crap is selfish enough to choose his skank over his child on his birthday.

 

Yes you are right, the real tragedy is our dog. She is just as heartbroken as I am and this probably sped things along with her to make her get sicker faster.

 

I really wish I could fall asleep. I lay awake feeling this excruciating emotional pain. It is awful to know that the person I loved so much could be this cruel and heartless.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Who is having an affair with a married man? So what do you care what some swamp sow thinks about you? As for your stbx, he is digging his own grave and ruining his relationship with his son. Personally, I would suggest that you invest in lots of fun events with you and your son to help him through the holiday season. Your ex with see the error of his ways or not, you have no control.

[carhill]

My sympathies regarding your beloved pet.

 

Is it possible to block texts from a specific number but retain voice functions? Check with your provider and do so if possible. If not, simply replace ex'es name with 'No response' after one notice that you'll only respond to voice calls about your son. If so, then block and limit contact to voice and regarding your son. If conversations deteriorate away from that, simply push 'end call'. No fanfare, no anger, just silence. Rinse and repeat. This is called training someone to respect your boundaries. Good luck.

[harrybrown]

Sorry that he is treating you this way.

 

You should go NC with him as much as possible. He is heavy into the affair fog. He is not the man you loved. Either he changed or he was a fantasy and the real person is now coming out.

 

Do the 180, and have your attorney handle him. Is he paying child support?

 

Get him out of your life as much as you can. Do not respond to his emails, show him indifference. How would he feel if you had the affair?

 

After the divorce, someday, I hope you find some happiness.

[waterwoman]

Oh raena, so so sorry about your dog. What dreadful timing [sad]

 

As for your ex and his gf - words fail me. Please try to ignore if you can. You don't deserve it xx

[thinkingofhim]

I read some of your threads and it seems like these people just love pushing your buttons. Stop replying to them!!! When you stopped complaining about her twittering is when he started harassing you instead... obviously they are both working together to P' you off! Just DONT have anything more to do with them, I know it is tempting but do not reply to any attempt to drag you into an argument. As long as he or she can drag you into an argument they are winning here! They are both sick people, stop replying, stop engaging... as long as they can upset you they 'win', so if they post or text anything to upset you just ignore it...!

[Spark1111]

I am so sorry about your dog. Please take much time to prepare your son for the loss and spin pain-free peace into the scenario as much as possible. between Dad and his beloved pet, this is a crucial point in his development and your strength and compassion is needed. Everyone is leaving him.

 

Now, take your dog out of their fight.

 

Ignore, ignore, ignore....but stay calm and kind in any necessary coversation you must have with your child's father.

 

If he continues to bait you, and he will, tell him calmly that you did love him and sincerely want him to be happy. You just wished he had not lied to you because you trusted him....then not another word about anything; not in anger, pain, etc.

 

Say not one disparaging word about her as it just fuels the fire and they will continue to find ways to hate and punish you, the mean mommy, they are both rebelling against whether they realize it or not.

 

Focus on you, your health, happiness and future.

[Spark1111]

Not only will you preserve your sanity, you will be taking yourself with dignity out of their sick dynamic.

 

let them crash and burn on their own.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I'm with spark here. This is the worst display if immaturity I can think of - which is again why I HATE social media. This woman has absolutely no class to be posting crap like that and you had better believe she is doing it for your benefit because she knows you are looking or someone is telling you about it.

 

Stop looking! You are only creating your own pain. I think what she is doing is deplorable but you have no control over her - only your response to the situation. Listen, I really had this situation in the opposite in my case. My xmom's BS did the same thing ( along with a close family friend of ours that abandoned my whole family in support of xmom and his wife). The hits kept coming via facebook and my husband and I finally decided that enough was enough and we shut down our accounts and we asked our daughters to block these people and tighten up their security.

 

But I understand - sometimes it's like a train wreck - you can't help but look. I think facebook is the most narcissistic thing ever - people put up there what they WANT you to see - it is a facade - not reality at all.

 

It wasn't until I really made a pact with myself that I wasn't going to look anymore that I began to feel better - that was it - I started protecting myself because it really didn't matter what they were posting if I didn't see it and didn't know about it. And you know what happened? It eventually stopped and I was much calmer and much happier.

 

Your situation is a bit different in that you have an ex to deal with. My question is - are you certain he is the one that is texting you these awful things? If he is, that is absolutely horrible and he is definitely not the man you thought he was. And I would guess there is a great deal of guilt underlying all of that. However, I would start to wonder whether she had his phone and is texting this stuff. I had one friend who would text from her husband's phone pretending it was him and I could always tell because I knew her writing style - she was a wackadoo I have nothing to do with anymore.

 

I am so sorry for all you are going through, but I will say again - stop looking at that stuff - it's poison to your soul.

[oldshirt]

I am very sorry to hear about your dog. You are going to miss her.

 

 

I am not sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. Your life will improve so much and you will be so much happier and healthier without him in it.

 

I agree with the earlier poster who said to cut as much of him out of your life as humanly possible. He and his skank are mean, evil, toxic people with hatred and vile in their hearts. The most distance you can put between you and them the better.

 

Here are a few bullet points to put into action -

 

#1. lose the fantasy that you can ever have a positive working coparenting relationship with him. He is a bad, toxic person and is incapable of having a respectfull, compassionate relationship with you. You are holding on to some hope that he will turn into a decent person and work collaboratively with you for the benefit of having a harmonious coparenting relationship with you in raising your children together. that is false hope and it is stringing you along. Wake up and realize that he is crud and toxin to you and will only cause you harm and pain. Cut him out like a cancer.

 

- Have your attorney draw up papers instructing him to only have contact with you on matters relating directly to the care of your child and that communications are to go through your respective attorneys.

 

- change your phone, email etc. If messages do come through, block him.

 

- if continued messages and harassment continue, notify the police and file for an actual restraining order.

 

- If you have Facebook, Twitter etc with them on it, either remove and block them, remove and block their closer friends or get off of those sites altogether.

 

- If at all possible, arrange to have the child exchanged at a neutral 3rd parties location such as a sibling/grandparent/trusted friend etc, so you do not have to encounter or interact directly with him.

 

In short, excise him out of your life as thoroughly as you possibly can. and again, lose the fairy tale fantasy that you two can have a cooperative and dignified coparenting relationship. Accept that he is a bad person to you and is a toxic force in your life.

 

It's time to stand up for yourself and your own sanity and well being and that means you can't have him in your life. You are going to have to draw a line in the sand and set hard boundaries.

 

What he is doing meets the legal definition of harassment and possibly stalking so have your attorney write up papers stating to cease and desist any nonchild care related contact with you and the VERY MOMENT he breaks that cease and desist order file a complaint with the police and the court that handles your custody issues.

[oldshirt]

And I need to stress again, YOU are responsible for setting your own boundaries and protecting yourself and your own well being. It's up to YOU to take action to fix this and stop the harassment.

 

Sitting around whining about people treating you bad and hoping that they will magically become nice people and having fantasies and fairy tales of people all playing nice and being good to each other are simply fantasies and day dreams with these two.

 

You are going to have to accept that they are bad people, have always been bad people and are always going to be bad people and are always going to treat you ****ty.

 

You are going to have to become a strong bitch and take action to stand up for yourself even though it is going to piss them off even more for awhile.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

What old shirt said.

[painfullyobvious]

If he is so over you and is so happy with whoever there would be no reason to even text or contact you. He is suffering from substantial guilt, has the skank as you call her egging him on or trying to impress her or more likely still needs some sick form of connection to you even if it is negative. Exes have a distorted sense of history when they are in the affair and shortly after. Time catches up with these thoughts and ideas as real life becomes a reality with affair partners.

 

What my family did when I was younger was my mother would not tell me if she made plans with my father on an expected outing so if he didn't show up we would be none the wiser. It hurt her and us but the devastation of failed expectations of meeting my father lessened the blow when I did not think he was meeting us somewhere.

 

Sorry you have to deal with this garbage but try to be the better person and be there for family events and try to be peaceful at all times and take the high road. If your ex wants to sink into these childish games and they continue to bother you consider a harassment charge. Eliminate all communication unless it involves your son and notify him of this. The less he sees you upset by his foolishness of his texts the more childish he will actually feel or be perceived by others. Communicate to him to knock it off and to save his energy for his new relationship because once it crumbles you do not want to be listening to him about it when it happens.

[dreamingoftigers]

No he doesn't work in retail or a restaurant. I have another family member who works at the same place and he said the same thing... no overtime until January. So yes, he lied. It doesn't really matter the reason why... it wasn't about me or him... it was about our son. He wanted to see his father on his birthday. Only a piece of crap is selfish enough to choose his skank over his child on his birthday.

 

Yes you are right, the real tragedy is our dog. She is just as heartbroken as I am and this probably sped things along with her to make her get sicker faster.

 

I really wish I could fall asleep. I lay awake feeling this excruciating emotional pain. It is awful to know that the person I loved so much could be this cruel and heartless.

 

The is how he starts to disappear from your son's life.

Record every nasty text. DO NOT respond to ANYTHING NASTY.

Simply don't respond. Put your phone back in your purse. They will lessen over time and so will his presence. These people are so loud and obnoxious that you need only record.

 

He will not show up to any potentially stressful meetings with your son. Your son will only remember him not showing up.

When your son is older, your ex will say that you "made it too hard." RECORD THE TEXTS. RECORD EVERYTHING. DO NOT RESPOND WITH NASTINESS IN KIND.

 

Preserve this for two reasons.

 

1. I believe that they will chase you legally in some stupid way in the next year. Why? Becayse they are idiots. And idiots pull stupid stunts. Prepare for it now.

 

2. Eventually your son will blame you for this because The King over there will have poured poison in his ear. While he is young, respond only to your son non-defensively and when he is older, if it persists, show him the texts.

 

He should be able to see for himself by his late teens but he may not be able to. By that point he would (in theory) be able to see the macro-picture a little better.

 

Although it is very tempting to "win" the arguments with this man by repeatedly thumping him with logic and truth. Don't. He doesn't argue that way. He feels one iota of shame and will rip into you with absurdity and lies like they are truth. There is 100% no point to arguing with someone like that. They are arguing to blame you. If you defend yourself that only means they need to work harder and louder to blame you. Explaining rational things, solving the problem, or having a deeper understanding OR being proven wrong IS NOT the goal of him calling you out etc.

 

RECORD everything and DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT. Do not get in the sewage with him. For your sake and your son's.

 

Something tells me you are very sensitive to having your character disparaged and have trouble walking away from that. So do I.

BUT he KNOWS THIS and is using it to cause you distress.

 

If you show for a few months period that you are no longer distressed by this (by not responding when tries to push the button) he will eventually just fade and stop doing it. Right now they are BOTH getting something out of pushing your buttons and YOU KEEP RESPONDING TO IT.

 

Frankly, I think it fuels a lot of their relationship. I mean, why else keep attacking an ex?

 

I am so so sorry about your dog. My dog just died in June and I am still heartbroken. I was told I couldn't have kids and miscarried when I got her as a pup. I really bonded with her so much and she died at 6.5 years old. I am so sorry your pup has to be put down.

[jnel921]

Raena, This will be over when you block your H from your cell phone and have him call you only on land lines. When he starts talking smack all you need to do is hang up.

 

As far a twitter, FB and every other type of social media, I have said and always say its trouble and I am not sure why you continue to follow or listen to your friends reports on what is being mentioned.

 

You need to learn how to separate yourself from the BS.

 

As far as your pet. I am sorry that has happened. I have dogs myself and have lost a few over the years and its sad. However I am sure that your H doesn't really care about all of that as he left you, your son and the dog to be with someone who has no problem talking crap about you and posting it for the world to see. Your H obviously does not care or respect you.

 

I am not sure why you feel that you should spend time as a "family" with this man, birthday or not. The R relationship is over. I can't see you sitting at dinner in front of your son and act like things are great. They will never be.

 

You need to come to grips here and accept what has happened. You need to get stronger and turn away from this nonsense. You need to focus on yourself.

 

Being cheated on is terrible, but if he leaves and then is disrespectful and doesn't care, why hold on? He is living his life as you say. Stop staring at him and his new life, close that door and open the new one in front of you.

[Raena]

You know? I don't feel like I'm whining. I'm telling how I feel. This is a crappy situation to go through, period. Even worse when they are both acting like heartless ignoramuses.

 

Yeah, I can't control how they behave. I can only control my own reactions. I've tried very hard to keep it simple and only discuss what needs to be discussed with him. I kind of lost it though when I was standing there bawling my eyes out over my dog and he starts blasting me. Really, I should have just shut my phone off and not bothered to respond at that point. I knew I was in an emotionally vulnerable position. I responded in anger. Should have just put my b*tch boots on and told him to f off, but instead I let it all out. Kind of ashamed of myself for letting him get the best of me.

[Spark1111]

it's not unusual in an affair triangle to have the rescuer and victim ( These are the APs and become interchangeable) and the unsuspecting BS is the persecutor.

 

Without you, and possibly her BS, to be the persecutors, there is little to fuel the dynamic necessary to sustain their affair.

 

It's not as much fun without you to hate. It bonds them. So with the divorce proceeding and you starting to disengage, they are ratcheting up their attacks to continue to fuel their affair.

 

Don't allow it. Walk away, ignore, take him off your cell, stop looking at her crazed rankings at FB.

 

Post happy pics of your son's birthday. Be the kindest, happiest, dignified taking the high road person you can be. Be kind to him and kind about her. other than that, be too busy to respond.

 

IT WILL DRIVE THEM CRAZY.

 

I swear it.

 

And your partner, now stuck with his nut job OW, is starting to blame you for that too.

 

See how engaging will always be a lose-lose for you? Now, he is hurting your son to punish you. Don't allow it!

 

Just be the best you can be. If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with their fleas.

[Spectre]

Even if he was lying - it's fairly minor and he probably was trying to protect your feelings because he wanted to do something else. Let it go.

 

How can you say this to her? It wasn't a minor thing, he was lying to her. However, the main thing is that this was his sons birthday. Saying he wanted to do something else just makes him look even worse. He wanted to do something else on his only child's b-day, knowing how much it meant to the kid? He lied and then was probably missing his kids b-day so he could have sex with another woman.

 

Why should she let this go? She deserves a better guy then her and the kid deserves a better father. I feel like this was a very cold thing to say to her given the context of the lie.

Edited November 23, 2013 by Spectre

[lollipopspot]

How can you say this to her? It wasn't a minor thing, he was lying to her. However, the main thing is that this was his sons birthday. Saying he wanted to do something else just makes him look even worse. He wanted to do something else on his only child's b-day, knowing how much it meant to the kid? He lied and then was probably missing his kids b-day so he could have sex with another woman.

 

Why should she let this go? She deserves a better guy then her and the kid deserves a better father. I feel like this was a very cold thing to say to her given the context of the lie.

 

If you read my post again, I thought she said the SON lied, trying to protect her feelings because he wanted to do something else on his birthday. Plenty of kids do that and I was advising her not to stress about it.

 

But I understand from her subsequent post that she meant the father lied. In this case I would mush this behavior into my comment about the father - that she'd best be glad to be rid of him and this sounds like par for the course for him. He sounds like a jerk, and this is how jerks can be expected to behave.

[dreamingoftigers]

You know? I don't feel like I'm whining. I'm telling how I feel. This is a crappy situation to go through, period. Even worse when they are both acting like heartless ignoramuses.

 

Yeah, I can't control how they behave. I can only control my own reactions. I've tried very hard to keep it simple and only discuss what needs to be discussed with him. I kind of lost it though when I was standing there bawling my eyes out over my dog and he starts blasting me. Really, I should have just shut my phone off and not bothered to respond at that point. I knew I was in an emotionally vulnerable position. I responded in anger. Should have just put my b*tch boots on and told him to f off, but instead I let it all out. Kind of ashamed of myself for letting him get the best of me.

 

I don't think you are "whining" either. Even if you are, its a support website LOL.

 

Could you imagine a suicide hotline being run that way?

 

"Yeah, she dumped you. So what? Maybe it's because you're ugly. Quit your bitchin' and get over it!"

 

I get the reaction post-dog news as well.

 

Here's what I did during my separation with my husband which looked at the time to be 110% certain to lead to divorce.

 

I did what I call the "dog test."

 

If he sent a message or I had to send him one I would check how pissed off I was by mental let checking myself out. I would envision my dog getting into the garbage and see if I was angry enough to yell at my dog about it. Like be freaky-pissed off about it. If I was that level of pissed off, I wouldn't respond to him until later.

 

Sometimes you just feel REALLY pissed off like "if I caught the dog in the garbage right now I'd mail her to Iran!" Sometimes you're so mad that you can't even think about the dog. "Screw the dog! I want ex's car to explode on the freeway!" Those are really bad times to respond. If you must draft something to deal with your anger, do so. But don't hit send. I have tons of pissed off emails sitting in my drafts folder!

 

What often happens is ill redraft and send (if applicable) when I'm less angry. I find it quite therapeutic.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

Just be the best you can be. If you lie down with dogs, you will get up with their fleas.

 

Except for your dog. Nobody's saying you dog has fleas.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Just my opinion....I see two people who need to justify/bond over something...anything..because there isn't much there to begin with. So...in comes you. They use you to bond. They become a team....by crapping all over you.

 

Remove yourself. Disconnect. Use a third party (grandmothers) to make arrangements for visitation. Do not discuss anything else. You already know his answers are just him manipulating. So he can point to how he treats you, and for whatever reason his new love interest thinks it means he really loves her.

 

The opposite of love is not hate...it is indifference..it is truly not caring.

 

If you begin to detach...you will learn to not care.

 

Don't

Even

Think

About

Changing

Him/Her

 

Accept...that is all they are ever going to do/be. If you do, you will find you see them both with very different eyes.

 

Imagine...their life together is soooo boring..they have to talk/think about you all day..and how to get a rise out of you. Sad really.