ex and I are talking again what does it mean? Should I Stay NC or keep up LC?

[imessedupbad]

Hey, so I posted about a month ago when my ex contacted me out of the blue. We broke up exactly 2 months ago to the day. We are both 30 years old and have been dating for many years. We were also best friends before that. Here is a bit of background for our story a month ago:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/435860-ex-contacts-me-after-month-what-do-i-do

 

We broke up because we started arguing again and many issues started to surface, which led her to feel that we are no longer compatible and that she didn't see us getting married. She had been expressing unhappiness but I didn't really know how to address the issues. So anyway we split and then went NC straight away for 1 month. Then after she contacted me a month ago, I went back to NC. Eventually she writes me with a business contact she had promised and we started to talk a bit more. She started asking me how I am doing etc.

 

Well, basically I told her that am busy with class, moving, and just keeping really busy.

 

She's like, Cool, thats really great. What program are you taking? Where are you moving?

 

I responded with a quick paragraph about what I am up to. I told her about my career stuff and where I am moving to etc. Nothing too sappy. Though I probably bordered on trying to "prove" something. I guess I wanted to open the door to communication with her because I can't imagine we are anywhere close to meeting in person. Maybe I am wrong? Or maybe I should call her sometime?

 

In the meantime, back before we broke up, I had nominated her for Forbes 30 Under 30 (this is a pretty big deal). Since I am a journalist they wrote me back a few days ago and told me that she had been accepted and that they would be pushing her into the semi finals, which puts her in the top 50 out of thousands of applicants. So basically she has a 30/50 chance of getting in it. I texted her to tell her that she needs to get in the application and I explained the situation. She told me, "Wow, thank you so much. I am truly appreciative." She also asked me about what she had to do and the details of the competition.

 

I told her the details and that she very likely could get the nomination. She said, "I truly appreciate it. No matter what happens I really appreciate that." I told her that I care for her and her success and that I've always supported her career work. Good luck.

 

So basically I forwarded her the acceptance letter. I haven't really heard back from her about the letter talking about my plans with my career etc. I know she is busy with things and was out of town working on some things, but I think she is probably back.

 

I guess my question is, what should I do now? I can disappear again for awhile and kind of leave her with all this. She won't find out if she wins until later in December before Christmas. My birthday is actually on Thursday and then its Hanukah and Thanksgiving. Do you think she sounds somewhat interested? I mean obviously she isn't wanting to get back together after that, but maybe she is opening up a little bit. We had talked for the first time via text in 2 months otherwise its been these brief email conversations. Should I ask her to hang out again? Should I stay no contact? Am I reading too much into this?

 

This is kind of how we got back together last time (about a year ago), so I guess my hopes have naturally gone up somewhat. To be honest, I'm still in a lot of pain about things and I don't think I am ready for a real friendship with her. If I heard she is with some guy or dating some guys it would hurt really. Not to mention her responses aren't exactly gold material. She's brief and using phrases like "thats really cool." That isn't how she would have spoken to me before. But it is how she started speaking to me a year ago before we got back together She's also asking some questions but not much. And she hasn't responded to the email talking about my life a bit and asking her how she is doing though its only been a few days.

 

I'm just curious of your thoughts, and I really wanted to get that off my chest. Sorry for the length, and thank you so much.

[cavalier99]

Time for pure NC bro. Uninvolve yourself with all this stuff. You are just hurting yourself while helping her. You arnt her BF anymore or even a friend.

 

Let her do her own thing. You are being used (or esentially you are letting your self be toally frienzoned and basicaaly now viewed as such a nice EX who will alway help her out) I want to vomit. Sorry man. Let it go. Cav

[imessedupbad]

should I have not passed along that opportunity? Should I delete her on facebook?

 

So you think I did lasting damage by talking to her and being somewhat cordial in my responses? Its not like I am begging for her back.

[imessedupbad]

also she never did anything terrible to me I guess...I thought at least being polite would be useful somehow? I mean I want her back. She came back to me before, I guess I'm hoping she will realize her mistake again this time.

[lauri]

also she never did anything terrible to me I guess...I thought at least being polite would be useful somehow? I mean I want her back. She came back to me before, I guess I'm hoping she will realize her mistake again this time.

 

She will never want you back if you think like this.

 

You want her to realize her mistake? Make her realize it by being silent and moving on. By sitting around helping her and validating her feeling / decision, you are only pushing her away.

 

She ended it with you and now she needs to live with her decision.

[organizedchaos]

also she never did anything terrible to me I guess...I thought at least being polite would be useful somehow? I mean I want her back. She came back to me before, I guess I'm hoping she will realize her mistake again this time.

 

You are going to end up in the friend zone if you keep proceeding like this. Is that how you want her back?

[imessedupbad]

She will never want you back if you think like this.

 

You want her to realize her mistake? Make her realize it by being silent and moving on. By sitting around helping her and validating her feeling / decision, you are only pushing her away.

 

She ended it with you and now she needs to live with her decision.

 

 

So should I delete her on facebook? How am I validating her decision by passing on a business opportunity?

 

Well, I mean I "agree with the breakup." I get why she made her decision, although she should have been more patient. I guess I just want to try and be mature, and I tend to take a lot of the blame on my shoulders, even though I never did anything to make her change her mind. I treated her really well, but I definitely got complacent. She feels that she gave her best and was just exhausted waiting for me to change, but she wanted me to be the one.

 

I guess I just want her to see the changes I am making and remember me as a selfless kind guy. I was already at 2 months basically NC. she only contacted me once previously to also pass on an opportunity.

 

But I know, I need to disappear. Its my birthday tomorrow and I guess I was hoping she would contact me, but I know it doesn't matter. I have been wanting to delete her on facebook even though I know it seems a bit immature and won't matter at this point. I just felt the reasons for the breakup are somewhat weak.

 

How long do I give it, its already been 2 months?

[imessedupbad]

You are going to end up in the friend zone if you keep proceeding like this. Is that how you want her back?

 

You don't think what I did was polite or nice? I don't want to be in the friendzone no. I want her to want me back. I guess I figured if I disappear for too long she will start to forget about me. They always say to give it like 30 days or basically a month or two in the books. I had won her back about 7 months ago by going no contact for about 3 months and then coming back and starting to do very kind and generous things for her.

 

But I do want her to regret her decision and miss me.

[imessedupbad]

So basically I have to start over with NC again? Should I completely ignore her when she contacts me, I want want to seem overly hurt or emotional. I guess I wanted her to stay in my life somewhat.

[BC1980]

It isn't good that you have already broken up and gotten back together previously. There's got to be a limit to how many times you keep flogging a dead horse. That is what stands out the most to me.

[imessedupbad]

Yah I agree BC1980. I guess I felt that I'd be willing to give it one more shot because I had some growing up to do. I mean I'm not trying to win her back at the moment because I need time to have personal growth, but I was hoping in the future maybe.

 

She ended up contacting me for my birthday today, should I bother to respond?

[xUnknown]

Happy Birthday to ya!

 

That's your call...do YOU feel like responding. If you do, a "thank you" will suffice.

[imessedupbad]

Thanks Unknown!

 

Well, actually I ignored the text and now she has called me and left a message asking how I am doing and wishing me a happy bday. Should I call her back?

 

Its the first time she's called in 2 months...not sure what to do.

[reddragon588]

Happy birthday! Give yourself the present of not having to deal with her bull**** and don't call her back!

[Babolat]

Read my NC post OP, may/may not help you.

[CaliBabe]

She hasn't said anything about trying again. I would wait for something more concrete. Seems like she wants to keep contact while not commiting to you which is selfish.

[imessedupbad]

She hasn't said anything about trying again. I would wait for something more concrete. Seems like she wants to keep contact while not commiting to you which is selfish.

 

Well, we were friends for 4 years before we started dating for 2 more. So I guess we are used to having each other in each other's lives as both friends and lovers. Maybe she thinks i'm ready for the friendship. I have been mostly cordial and haven't ignored her reaching out to me, in fact I've been friendly and passed on remaining opportunities.

 

She won't leave a message asking for me back without talking to me I'm guessing...that would be pretty crazy if she did. I imagine she would have to regain attraction for me. I'm not really sure how to do that without contact. Wouldn't it be rude to ignore her kind wishes on the holiday? I guess I was hoping this meant a bit more since she finally actually called.

[imessedupbad]

Read my NC post OP, may/may not help you.

 

Where is your NC post Babolat?

[imessedupbad]

so I called her back finally and she didn't pick up the phone. I left a message, this was around 9:30pm a bit late, but didn't hear anything back the next day. I called again and said it'd be great to catch up as it had been almost 2 months no contact.

 

I feel a bit like a fool for contacting her again, but I just don't get why she would call to wish me a happy birthday without wanting to talk to me. She could have just stuck with the text message. SO I called assuming she wanted to actually talk. I called her at 6:30pm tonight, and it seems like she won't be calling tonight since its now midnight.

Honestly my bday and now tonight has been ruined. I guess I'll see if she calls tomorrow but I don't even want to talk to her anymore. Keeping in contact is messing me up, and its not like she is giving me anything substantial like promising to want to be back in a relationship with me.

 

I just feel like a fool for thinking she wanted to talk and thinking she would pick up the phone. I just don't get her decision to call after a few months, she is a very smart girl who is very ethical and I just cant imagine her wanting to play games with me.

[Simon Phoenix]

You don't think what I did was polite or nice? I don't want to be in the friendzone no. I want her to want me back. I guess I figured if I disappear for too long she will start to forget about me. They always say to give it like 30 days or basically a month or two in the books. I had won her back about 7 months ago by going no contact for about 3 months and then coming back and starting to do very kind and generous things for her.

 

But I do want her to regret her decision and miss me.

 

First of all, stop reading those stupid books. Second of all, you dated for a while and you were friends before that. Do you really think she's going to forget about you? No offense, but get your head out of your a*s. You are showing fear and impatience, and fear and impatience will sink you. You obviously aren't ready for any sort of contact if you are overanalyzing an interaction that was pretty neutral. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It's time for you to really detach and really work on yourself. It's obvious that there's a lot of work to be done, because you seem like a panicky, clingy mess.

[Simon Phoenix]

so I called her back finally and she didn't pick up the phone. I left a message, this was around 9:30pm a bit late, but didn't hear anything back the next day. I called again and said it'd be great to catch up as it had been almost 2 months no contact.

 

I feel a bit like a fool for contacting her again, but I just don't get why she would call to wish me a happy birthday without wanting to talk to me. She could have just stuck with the text message. SO I called assuming she wanted to actually talk. I called her at 6:30pm tonight, and it seems like she won't be calling tonight since its now midnight.

Honestly my bday and now tonight has been ruined. I guess I'll see if she calls tomorrow but I don't even want to talk to her anymore. Keeping in contact is messing me up, and its not like she is giving me anything substantial like promising to want to be back in a relationship with me.

 

I just feel like a fool for thinking she wanted to talk and thinking she would pick up the phone. I just don't get her decision to call after a few months, she is a very smart girl who is very ethical and I just cant imagine her wanting to play games with me.

 

Dude, you really need to get out of your own way.

[Trick1004]

Sounds to me like she's fishing around to see if your still hooked on her. She knew you'd be vulnerable sending you the happy birthday crap and now that you've responded you're getting the cold shoulder from her.

 

Go no contact and stick with it at this point, you say your b-day has been ruined because of her non-response, i expect in a few days time you'll get a call or text from her with some excuse why she couldn't respond to your messages. IGNORE all of it.

 

Happy b-day by the way, I'm kind of in a similar spot. My B-day is a couple days before Thanksgiving and I fully expect my ex to send me something. She sent me a text a couple weeks ago after about three months NC that she missed me. Whatever, I didn't respond. I plan on doing the same if she sends me a birthday text or call.

 

Shut her down and move on with your life, this is the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

Trick

[imessedupbad]

Dude, you really need to get out of your own way.

 

Simon, why do you say that?

 

Obviously I am still hurt over things, but I still want her back.

 

Why do you think she is contacting me? I was already going back into NC until she started messaging me and calling me. I guess its just annoying that she didn't pick up the phone when i called her back.

 

I have been holding onto hope its true. I do need to let go more. Do you think I did something wrong by calling back?

[imessedupbad]

Sounds to me like she's fishing around to see if your still hooked on her. She knew you'd be vulnerable sending you the happy birthday crap and now that you've responded you're getting the cold shoulder from her.

 

Go no contact and stick with it at this point, you say your b-day has been ruined because of her non-response, i expect in a few days time you'll get a call or text from her with some excuse why she couldn't respond to your messages. IGNORE all of it.

 

Happy b-day by the way, I'm kind of in a similar spot. My B-day is a couple days before Thanksgiving and I fully expect my ex to send me something. She sent me a text a couple weeks ago after about three months NC that she missed me. Whatever, I didn't respond. I plan on doing the same if she sends me a birthday text or call.

 

Shut her down and move on with your life, this is the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

Trick

 

Do you think she will contact me back eventually even though she hasn't picked up yesterday or today? And yes I do feel I need to go into NC because its still messing with my head unfortunately. I want her back, but I also don't want to accept a friendship right now because I am clearly still hurting.

 

Why is she giving me the cold shoulder after I responded? Don't you think she called because she wanted to talk?

 

I'm sorry to hear that Trick. Yah, its not worth the pain unless you feel you can handle friendship and contact at some point. I am going to be there right with you, and happy early bday. How old are you turning? Do you want her back?

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon, why do you say that?

 

Obviously I am still hurt over things, but I still want her back.

 

Why do you think she is contacting me? I was already going back into NC until she started messaging me and calling me. I guess its just annoying that she didn't pick up the phone when i called her back.

 

I have been holding onto hope its true. I do need to let go more. Do you think I did something wrong by calling back?

 

Calling back three times -- yes, you did something seriously wrong. Once would have been sufficient (though I wouldn't have called her back at all) but three times makes you look spastic and clingy, which you seem to be. You made yourself look like a weakling.

 

Honestly, if you didn't call her back she wouldn't have cared. As for why she contacted you, it doesn't really matter. No where has she said that she is rethinking the breakup and wants to get back with you. You need to settle the f*ck down. Just because she decided to contact you doesn't mean you need to break NC and start bombarding her with phone calls. What you did wasn't the least bit remotely attractive to her. If anything, it just reinforces that you are still on the hook and she can do whatever she wants because you are sitting around waiting on her.