imessedupbad Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Hey there, I am a 29 year old guy and was with another 29 year old woman. I dated a girl for over two years, best friends for 6 yrs. We had a very good relationship but after awhile things started to go stale and we ended up breaking up at the year mark. At that time, I didn't go no contact immediately, but I started to pull away, and eventually we stopped talking for about 1-2 months. Then she started to write to me with job opportunities and just hoping that I am safe and doing well. I would respond to her contact, and eventually I started to pursue her again. A lot of things changed for me, but if I am very honest, it wasn't enough time to make real changes. Anyway, after about 3-4 months total, we got back together for another year. Things were amazing for awhile, but then some of the changes faded away. I guess I got comfortable. Also our dynamic was damaged from the previous breakup and the fact that I felt I had to "makeup" for letting the relationship go stale. Anyway, after a few minor incidents (no cheating or anything terrible), things got stale and she started to pull away. She would tell me she was unhappy, but I guess I didn't really know how to respond. I think in a lot of ways we were both unhappy, but there were a lot of easy things that I could have fixed or vice versa to make things a lot better. She broke up with me a month and a few days ago, and I of course cried and told her I loved her, but I went no contact immediately. In this time, we stayed facebook friends but otherwise no contact. I am a successful musician among other things and I ended up releasing an album that was heavily tied to this girl and the breakup, but I never told her about it. I ended up playing tons of shows here in NYC and my album really took off. A lot of it is easily connected to her. I posted a ton of photos and album reviews, and just showing myself being very happy (because this is my dream come true). So things are seemingly going really great for me, but of course I am still sad underneath. So a few days ago she wrote me an email (breadcrumb) and said "Hey ****, How are you? I'm so, so happy to see how things seem to be going for you. Congrats on the show, your EP, and the reviews that have been coming out. I'm really happy to see you following your dreams, and I hope that this path continues to unfold for you. I wanted to ask a request - I am flattered, and honored, by your songs and album. I appreciate your earnestness, vulnerability, and creativity that you're sharing with the world. As you know, I'm a pretty private person. So on the flip side, I'd really appreciate if you could delete any references to me- for example, tagging my name in a few songs on your Soundcloud site. I don't feel comfortable being so explicitly linked. Thanks, ****. I really hope you're doing well." I DIDN'T respond, but removed the tags as I had posted the songs while we were still together. So, she writes me again the next morning a few hours later after the original email (and after I Had deleted the tags) and says "Also - I was sitting next to someone at an event who is a part of a music nonprofit that helps kids, called MIMA music. I told him about what you're doing with I Heart Music/ Guitars not Guns and he wanted to connect with you. Do you want me to make an intro? PS Thanks for doing it so quickly. I hope you know I didn't mean the album cover." I responded and just said thank you for the kind words and that an introduction to the guy would be cool. I hope you are well, take care. But I can't help but reread this email over and over again, and wonder why is she writing me? First she is asking me to remove references to her name (which I understand and agree with), but then she is telling me to keep the album cover. I was actually starting to heal, but I guess I have been overanalyzing this email, and the second one! I want to be with her but I know that I have work to do to be a stronger man before that could happen again. She wanted us to work out, but she felt exhausted and that it was stale. In a way she did us both a favor. So any thoughts? Should I say anything else? Why is she writing to me? Please help! Thank you so much.
Author imessedupbad Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 Sorry for the length of the post! Thank you so much for your help in advance.
GTNBTTR Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 I think that with the first email she threw out a breadcrumb type message to see if you would respond. You did as she asked which was kind of you but you didn't reply. She quickly looked for an excuse to write you again which was the album cover. I believe you are thinking too much into this.
Tarleton82 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Friend, see my recent post titled "After nearly four months..." DO NOT do what I did. When a woman is through, she's through, there are very, very few exceptions. Three words: Salem Witch Trials. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". If you play into her b.s., you're going to get hurt. And I don't want to see that happen to anyone. Everyone here on Loveshack gave me a lot of kind words because what just happened to you happened to me, too. And by the way, I am getting a book published, sort of how you put out an EP...nothing will make them care. Mine said the same thing, "glad you got that published, so happy..." They're full of dog &@(*@(@. Leave it alone. She's gone. 1
Tarleton82 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 Don't answer anything from her anymore. Ignore her. Block her. Do what you have to. And as someone on her said to me, "think again before you hand over your balls to another woman." Would love to hear your EP, by the way.
Tree_Salmon Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 This is true. I've recently succeeded in my profession and received the same type of message from my ex. They're just fishing to see if you're still hung up on their bull***t. I ignored it, of course. Mine wrote me a day later telling me how she's "happy" for me and hopes i'm "doing well" right before she said shes moving in with her new boyfriend. Don't take the bait. Ex's are scandalous. There's definitely a reason you guys went stale both times. You're a musician, you can get many quality girls. Don't waste time on this person. Friend, see my recent post titled "After nearly four months..." DO NOT do what I did. When a woman is through, she's through, there are very, very few exceptions. Three words: Salem Witch Trials. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". If you play into her b.s., you're going to get hurt. And I don't want to see that happen to anyone. Everyone here on Loveshack gave me a lot of kind words because what just happened to you happened to me, too. And by the way, I am getting a book published, sort of how you put out an EP...nothing will make them care. Mine said the same thing, "glad you got that published, so happy..." They're full of dog &@(*@(@. Leave it alone. She's gone.
Author imessedupbad Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 I think that with the first email she threw out a breadcrumb type message to see if you would respond. You did as she asked which was kind of you but you didn't reply. She quickly looked for an excuse to write you again which was the album cover. I believe you are thinking too much into this. So should I have no even responded to the first email? Was it weak that I responded? Am I back to square 1? Why did she look for an excuse because she thought I was pissed? Should I wrote her to tell her to forget about the contact?
Author imessedupbad Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 Friend, see my recent post titled "After nearly four months..." DO NOT do what I did. When a woman is through, she's through, there are very, very few exceptions. Three words: Salem Witch Trials. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". If you play into her b.s., you're going to get hurt. And I don't want to see that happen to anyone. Everyone here on Loveshack gave me a lot of kind words because what just happened to you happened to me, too. And by the way, I am getting a book published, sort of how you put out an EP...nothing will make them care. Mine said the same thing, "glad you got that published, so happy..." They're full of dog &@(*@(@. Leave it alone. She's gone. So why is she even writing me? Just to relieve her own guilt? She misses me? I guess I am questioning things because she came back to me once months ago...I guess I'm hoping she realizes her mistake. But I know I am not going to keep writing to her. Should I ignore all other attempts? I Mean, I want her back but I also know its not the right time and hasn't really been enough time at all.
Author imessedupbad Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 I think that with the first email she threw out a breadcrumb type message to see if you would respond. You did as she asked which was kind of you but you didn't reply. She quickly looked for an excuse to write you again which was the album cover. I believe you are thinking too much into this. And why is she looking for excuses to write me? Just to get her ego stroked?
Author imessedupbad Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 Don't answer anything from her anymore. Ignore her. Block her. Do what you have to. And as someone on her said to me, "think again before you hand over your balls to another woman." Would love to hear your EP, by the way. I have her as a facebook friend right now, should I delete her? Its sad because I really was starting to heal, and then this happens and I feel like I've lost a week or two because of it! I'd love to send you the EP! I'm not sure if it will let me do it. I'm listed on facebook as nathanasher2
Author imessedupbad Posted October 27, 2013 Author Posted October 27, 2013 This is true. I've recently succeeded in my profession and received the same type of message from my ex. They're just fishing to see if you're still hung up on their bull***t. I ignored it, of course. Mine wrote me a day later telling me how she's "happy" for me and hopes i'm "doing well" right before she said shes moving in with her new boyfriend. Don't take the bait. Ex's are scandalous. There's definitely a reason you guys went stale both times. You're a musician, you can get many quality girls. Don't waste time on this person. I'm sorry to hear that. I guess you are right that she is still fishing for things. I don't know if she has moved on or not, but I'm sure she isn't waiting around. Did you end up ignoring the second message? Have you spoken to her since? Yah, I wish I hadn't of responded and been polite. I guess I thought I would be nice since she was writing me again. Sadly, she hasn't responded to that last email...though it was on Thursday. honestly I don't really even want to get the response and frankly I don't need her help with a stupid business connection. Its the last thing I want from her. How long was it before you ended up hearing from her? I guess its the same excuse as everybody else. I guess the long shared history had me holding on. I managed to go no contact immediately this time. I guess I feel like a fool because I won her back and now she is leaving again. Is the reason it went stale because we simply aren't compatible?
aybc123 Posted October 27, 2013 Posted October 27, 2013 i dont really buy into the 'ego stroking' or 'emotional blanket' cynicism. that says these are the only reasons an ex would ever contact you. You can say the same about all types of human relationships, if you reconnect with an old friend does that mean you just want the ego boost? If you were with a person for a long time then chances are you got on with them pretty damn well, and because it was for a long time you know them well, care about them and so want to be in contact with them. The reason most exes dont stay in contact with other exes is because its inappropriate, after the breakup both parties need distance and then once the water is under the bridge one or both are probably in another relationship and at that point it just isn't cool to be hitting up old exes regularly. If both are single there's no reason one or both wont want to reach out and stay in some kind of friendly contact. I keep in contact with several of my exes, mostly when im single because i want to respect whoever I'm with when im not. I dont do it to get some kind of ego boost out of talking to them, frankly even if they did show me adoration or that they had feelings for me i wouldnt care, it wouldnt make me feel good because I'm no longer romantically interested in them at all, if anything it would freak me out a bit and make me not want to stay in touch. I can only speak for myself but I know this is the truth for me and I really doubt people are much different from each other.
Author imessedupbad Posted October 28, 2013 Author Posted October 28, 2013 i dont really buy into the 'ego stroking' or 'emotional blanket' cynicism. that says these are the only reasons an ex would ever contact you. You can say the same about all types of human relationships, if you reconnect with an old friend does that mean you just want the ego boost? If you were with a person for a long time then chances are you got on with them pretty damn well, and because it was for a long time you know them well, care about them and so want to be in contact with them. The reason most exes dont stay in contact with other exes is because its inappropriate, after the breakup both parties need distance and then once the water is under the bridge one or both are probably in another relationship and at that point it just isn't cool to be hitting up old exes regularly. If both are single there's no reason one or both wont want to reach out and stay in some kind of friendly contact. I keep in contact with several of my exes, mostly when im single because i want to respect whoever I'm with when im not. I dont do it to get some kind of ego boost out of talking to them, frankly even if they did show me adoration or that they had feelings for me i wouldnt care, it wouldnt make me feel good because I'm no longer romantically interested in them at all, if anything it would freak me out a bit and make me not want to stay in touch. I can only speak for myself but I know this is the truth for me and I really doubt people are much different from each other. AYBC: Are you a female or a male? So does that mean she is trying to contact me to just see what I am up to and to feel friendly? To be honest its way too soon for me to be talking to her. I am still healing, but of course in my heart of hearts I still feel romantically for her and wish this hadn't happened. So you don't think her emails mean she is interested at all or still missing me somehow?
aybc123 Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 (edited) AYBC: Are you a female or a male? So does that mean she is trying to contact me to just see what I am up to and to feel friendly? To be honest its way too soon for me to be talking to her. I am still healing, but of course in my heart of hearts I still feel romantically for her and wish this hadn't happened. So you don't think her emails mean she is interested at all or still missing me somehow? I'm male, And yes i think that's why she obviously cares about and respects you and the time you spent together, wants you to be happy and wants things to be friendly between you if possible, imo, it doesnt mean at all that she still harbours feelings for you or wants to get back together. Obviously her prime motive in the first mail is she didn't want the links to her on the songs. When you deleted them without saying anything she probably thought you felt that asking for them to be deleted meant she didnt care or didnt share the same happy memories of the relationship that you do rather than it just being a privacy issue so she sent a second message about the album cover to let you know that wasn't what she meant, with the contact being a convenient reason to email you again. That's just how i'd read it though. I dont think you should say anything else to her, she knows you dont hate her or resent her from the last reply you sent and that's enough for now. She also knows you probably still have feelings for her because after all its only been a month so dont go pouring your heart out to her! Just heal up over the next few months and when you dont find yourself wanting to contact her anymore, well then that's probably the time it'd be ok to resume casual friendly contact. Edited October 28, 2013 by aybc123
Tree_Salmon Posted October 28, 2013 Posted October 28, 2013 I'm sorry to hear that. I guess you are right that she is still fishing for things. I don't know if she has moved on or not, but I'm sure she isn't waiting around. Did you end up ignoring the second message? Have you spoken to her since? Yah, I wish I hadn't of responded and been polite. I guess I thought I would be nice since she was writing me again. Sadly, she hasn't responded to that last email...though it was on Thursday. honestly I don't really even want to get the response and frankly I don't need her help with a stupid business connection. Its the last thing I want from her. How long was it before you ended up hearing from her? I guess its the same excuse as everybody else. I guess the long shared history had me holding on. I managed to go no contact immediately this time. I guess I feel like a fool because I won her back and now she is leaving again. Is the reason it went stale because we simply aren't compatible? You're overthinking. Everyone has a different time table for ex's coming back or trying again. We dated for 7 years. After i left (because she cheated on me) she tried to get me back a bunch of times but each time she was keeping guys on the side just in case i said no. Which of course i did. You have to understand that if she calls, or writes, or whatever, its not because she loves you or misses you. It's usually because shes: 1- bored 2- down on herself 3- lonely 4- horny 5- looking for validation 6- any combination of the above. Notice how none of these reasons are "because she loves you" Time also varies. Stop thinking about it. I've had ex's come back after years to apologize and tell me i was the best thing that ever happened to them. She recently did the same. You have to see it for what it is...usually, its desperation or using you as a stepping stone to get over the pain that she's in. I know this all sounds harsh, but these people are harsh. this is the reality. one chance, per girl, per lifetime. Sadly, there are rarely second chances that work. 1
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