Blindsided by wife's EA with her direct workmate.

[tiredofitall2]

May I ask why you ultimately chose to stay rather than divorce?

 

Also, I'm sure you're aware that just because both your cheating wife and OM deny sex, that doesn't mean they've never had sex. I mean...they only admitted to making out after being pressed really hard. I think they've probably had sex and now you've gotten a bit of trickle truth.

 

Why did they engage in a destructive PA/EA? Because the pleasure of the affair was too much for them to resist.

 

Sometimes forgiveness takes a better man. There is a very young child involved. You mentioned her father is very spiritual or as you stated "religious" you sought his counseling. I would do it again. Talk to him and you will find out that saving a marriage is worth forgiving.

 

We all commit sins and make mistakes, there are no exceptions and there are no bigger sins. Of course I'm not condoning her bahaviour at all here, but just think about the child being raised by anther man and calling him daddy. He's too young now and he will create a bind with whover comes into her life after you.

 

I don't know what your beliefs system is and it is not the issue here, but if you ever had wanted forgiveness for your mistakes, now or future mistakes. You must forgive...

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I think she's finally realising that she has a character flaw that doesn't allow her to realise when emotional boundaries are being crossed, or when she's being preyed upon.

 

It's hard to say how naïve a 29-year-old in a mostly-male army could be.

 

Poor boundaries, definitely.

 

I agree other man set out to manipulate your wife into an affair, he is the type that would say or do what they needed to convince the target to have sex, but I think to say he "preyed upon" her might be a little strong. She was willing prey. He told her a few lies about how much he cared, but she was too willing to believe.

 

When you described other man, you described a guy who was all about the sex. Eight affairs. A prostitute on the night after he was caught once again. So why would you think he would settle for "just kissing" with your wife?

 

When you first dated your wife, how long did it take for her to tell you she was in love with you? To have sex with you? How does this compare to other man? I am not looking for you to post answers here, just questions to ask yourself so you can see her affair in the proper light.

 

You are keeping your wife up on the pedestal. Attributing all "noble" motives to her actions. As selfless as she was, she was willing to lie about her affair, even delete your emails and facebook, just so she could save you from pain, with no thought for herself. She has pulled out every line from the cheater's script - trickle truth, minimizing, telling you she lied to save you from hurt, she didn't really love other man, the things she said to him she didn't mean (but she means them when she says them to you), rug sweeping, blame shifting - it's all here.

 

I think you can reconcile, in fact, I know you can, but if you do it the way you are doing you are going to have problems down the road, probably on her side, but definitely with nagging questions and doubts on your side.

 

Of the emails you saw, was it mostly your wife professing love and other man just responding in kind? Can you see that she was more into him emotionally than he was into her?

 

Another suggestion I have is to get your wife to give you a step by step of the affair. When was the first time other man crossed the line, when was the first time she crossed the line, when was the first "I love you," when was the first kiss, when was the first sex, what did she say to herself to give herself permission to say and do the things she did with other man, how did she rationalize it? I'm not looking for you to post the answers here, but these are questions you should ask.

[Lokahi117]

Perhaps coolit (glad to see your still with us) this poster is having an issue with the fact that many ww use their husbands as ATMs a d security providers while not having sex with their husbands and therefore taking what they want from their husbands without caring about his needs.

 

So the equal and opposite reaction would be to have sex with wife but not let her have your emotional side. It happens very very often when men stay for the kids.

 

But I realize your situation is very different but you are also very different, in that you confessed and have remorse. But in fairness, we don't know the reason that this poster advised that course of action, perhaps his wife not only cuckolded him but also withheld sex while still taking freely of his security and providing.

 

Again, truly happy that you came back to us.

[HurtHalo79]

Thanks everyone. I had a better day today. She forwarded me a work email trail, and it appears OM is already up to his old tricks by trying to break the NC. He sent her an email to the non-shared inbox saying that he couldn't put down the emotions he felt for her and that he wished he could stilk talk to her about his marriage problems blah blah cue violins.

 

To her credit my WW sent a reply saying 'I have told you what the boundaries are but you are trying to still reach out to me which is how this whole situation came about. I suggest you re-direct that emotional energy into your marriage or your future life.' He responded by calling her 'emotionally shallow'.

 

Not one to argue with him at this point over that fact at the present time, but I take some heart that my WW finally seems to see him for what he is. She is drafting a final NC letter tomorrow and is going to run it past me.

 

Feeling hopeful, but still crushed and angry. We start therapy next week and she has her second appointment for IC with the psych next week as well. I wonder if I should talk to someone as well?

 

Lokahi: My wife and I earn the same income as we are both the same officer rank. Our sex life was extremely healthy (perhaps a little kinky too...but nothing crazy) so I'm at a loss as to why this happened.

Edited November 19, 2013 by HurtHalo79

[Spark1111]

yes, you too would benefit from IC. It would be a safe place to vent all those roller coasting emotions that are here and staying for awhile.

 

MC is a much more controlled environment as the marriage is the true patient.

 

For many women who find themselves falling down the slippery slope, the allure is emotional and romantic. For many men too.

 

They do frequently affair down if it is validation and admiration they seeking.

 

Peggy Vaughn and Dr. Shirley Glass both state that most married partners want that need filled by their spouses but don't even know it is a need or how to ask for it.

 

That is why BS's feel so blindsided by the affair.

 

Good luck to you both.

[Spectre]

To be honest man I really feel you should divorce this woman. Her behavior clearly tells me this woman is not in love with you. She just can't possibly of done what she did if she truly was in love with you.

 

You deserve better then a woman who would betray and disrespect you this much. It also very disrespectful of her if she chooses to stay and work in the same place as this guy. Not only that, but her actively going through your facebook and stuff deleting messages? No way in hell any woman truly in love acts that way. I urge you, divorce her, find someone who truly loves and respects you. Do not waste anymore of your life with this woman, she isn't worth it. If she was worth it you wouldn't be here posting about her affair.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Spectre

[dichotomy]

I got a bad feeling...about this. What do you think will be accomplished face off? So you told him to bring friends to a confrontation?

 

Why not just tell his wife and let her have the face time with him? Or forward the messages to her.

 

There is some military/work tie here - can you file charges of sexual harassment

 

Also most email accounts allow you to block senders - or was this a voice mail?

[Debanked]

She had the affair. Why should he torture himself and completely turn his life upside down because of it? Let her put in the work. She should be busting her ass to save the marriage.