Looking for a 20yr Marriage with 2kids and a house

[tired girl]

Did the counselor say that she didn't need to have transparency with you with her phone? If so , then ya, you need a new one.

 

The talking is good. This stuff is hard, being authentic with each other. It is amazing how easy we stop doing that with our spouses as the years go by.

[Spectre]

No I really don't think she's held anything back. I think our counselor is bad and doesn't handle affairs.

 

Telling me what would kill me inside, she came out and told me while so upset and hysterical that I don't have any doubt she's telling me the truth. Also I told you she told me so much more I didn't know about. Also she knew it was over and still offered up the information.

 

It feels like the love is still here, and now that we're talking it seems to becoming stronger. Still to early to know but at least if we split now it would be on good terms, better for the kids, easier to separate. Not some horrible mess.

 

Nothing comes easy so hopefully this will strengthen us in the long run. Either way we are talking and it seems honestly so there are no empty questions to worry about.

 

I do think it is good of her she offered up the info, etc. However, at the end of the day I do truly feel she just wouldn't of done what she did if she was truly in love with you. She might love you, but this wouldn't of happened if she was in love. I think there are just some lines you don't cross.

 

So I guess you need to decide right now if merely being loved is enough..or if you want a partner who is truly in love with you. For me, I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone who wasn't in love with me.

Edited November 20, 2013 by Spectre

[tired girl]

What she did had nothing to do with him at all. That is the problem with affairs and betrayal. She wasn't thinking about him, he didn't factor into the equation, just like she didn't when he went out and did what he did. If you are trying to put something back together, at the end of the day you quit analyzing if you were on their radar when they did this. Obviously you weren't. Can you live with that? If your partner can fix the reason why it happened then maybe you can. If they choose not to, then probably not. It really has nothing to do with being in love. It has to do with another person's crappy boundaries and coping skills. At the end of the day, they fix it and you make a choice.

[cocahouts]

for a few years we were unhappy and I was considering divorce 1-2 years ago. During this summer she confessed she was thinking of leaving me. We were both being so nasty to each other this past year so that caused the boundaries issues. She thought I was always spying on her, sometimes I was. I thought she was up to no good, she wasn't at first but eventually she reached out had an affair with a friend. She was on my ass all the time, so on a business trip I decided to have a little fun for myself, at that time I thought she was fooling around but with one night stands because of her work. I was blindsided when I found out it was my friend.....this is why it hurts so much.

 

I still want to ........I don't know to the other guy. I have a few options but it wouldn't do me any good. What he did was low and started stalking my wife about a year ago. I missed and overlooked the signs because he was "my friend". That will never happen again.

 

But revenge doesn't feel good, I've done bad things in my life besides this dealing with revenge, some petty and some serious. It never did me any good. He wasn't the problem, when he started if my wife and I were communicating even if mad at each other she would had made me understand.

 

We were the problem, not him We have tons of great memories, our children, our future plans. We shared visions years ago about how we wanted to turn out and besides this horrible set back we were getting close.

There really isn't any hate between us anymore, I just can't get over the fact that she would do that to me. But then I realize I was doing it to. I was making plans to go back to my brothel, first time there I didn't know what to do. I had big plans for the next trip.

 

Spectre I think we're still there, we just need to rebuild our trust in each other. Tired Girl is right, we weren't thinking about the damage, we weren't thinking at all.

[tired girl]

Good for you. I don't know how much reading you are doing with all of this, but there is a really great book that you and your wife may want to read together. It is called "Daring Greatly" by Brenee Browne. Hope it helps you guys.

[cocahouts]

Tired Girl..

I think you're right. I keep trying to make her realize what she did was worse... It doesn't really matter anymore about the time. I need to quit that ASAP. She's away this weekend and she checks in regularly trying to make me feel comfortable. I keep telling her to stop but at the same time it feels good. We are sometime at each others throats so time here and there feels good to be separate.

 

I am confronting our therapist, she did something that I can't imagine and I feel that it set us back. We are at about the 60 day mark from when I found out about the affair. The Therapist or my wife decided to test me about making a follow up appointment. Something kind of petty but there's a long back story to it. I had asked my wife is she scheduled anything, I wasn't aware of this test. When I asked the question my wife quickly changed the subject and we were out shopping so she made it look like she found a great deal. I never caught on and took it as she didn't make a follow up. Later that week they called to confirm her appointment and she told me that was a test that the therapist told her was a good idea, I was supposed to show the initiative, I failed. I feel like I got set up now they are telling me I suffer from paranoia. The disregard for communication is what caused all of this and I feel the therapist suggested this.

I have an appointment next week and I am going to ream her about this. We were doing so well till this, I told my wife that the lying was a set back. She thinks I've called her a liar and its a mess.

Sorry I'm ranting about it

 

May I ask anything you can think of that stood out that helped you, I am going to kindle that book so I'm looking for another tip.

 

Also Everyone is different, every affair is different, there is no way to compare what you did and what I did. Roughly how long till you guys were starting to be happy again? That's a very vague question and I don't really know how to ask what I'm thinking so that was very generic. I guess I am asking about how long till you guys put it behind you and started reconnecting? Again Vague...Still in the painful part of this double mess.

 

Thank you for your story and optimism.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

The Therapist or my wife decided to test me about making a follow up appointment. the therapist told her was a good idea, I was supposed to show the initiative, I failed. I feel like I got set up now they are telling me I suffer from paranoia. I feel the therapist suggested this. I told my wife that the lying was a set back. She thinks I've called her a liar and its a mess.

 

May I ask anything you can think of that stood out that helped you

 

Also Everyone is different, every affair is different, there is no way to compare what you did and what I did.

 

Like any other profession, there are good and bad therapists. I have read a lot of threads and I don't know how many times they help the marriage vs. hurt the marriage. It seems about 50/50 to me based on my reading here.

 

I am reconciled, 52 years old, married over 20 years with a kid in high school and a kid in grammar school.

 

Here is the easy secret formula: Every day you wake up and do your best for your wife and your family and, hopefully, every day your wife wakes up and does her best for you and your family. When there is a problem, you talk to her and she listens or she talks to you and you listen, and you give each other the benefit of the doubt as long as there is no sign of cheating - like the issue about making an appointment - there should be no harsh words over that as long as there is no sign of cheating. Before you criticize or judge, try to see the situation from the other person's point of view. Learn how to argue about the issue at hand without bringing up past hurts or slights. Each day that goes by, the pain gets to be less and less, though some days the pain is a little more if there is a trigger, but overall the trend is that the pain is decreasing over time. Decide to do this and stick to it, as long as there is no sign of cheating.

 

I disagree somewhat when you say everyone is different, every affair is different. We are all different, we have different hair and eyes and fingerprints, we are all unique, but when I take my kids to the doctor the doctor measures them and weighs them and sees if they are talking yet, crawling yet, rolling over yet, walking yet and compares them to the "norms." There are norms of human behavior and affairs are no different, the human behavior of people in affairs is as predictable as the behavior of children - meaning that 95% of affairs fall into predictable patterns of things people say and do. So I don't believe all affairs are different, I believe they mostly are the same and you can learn a lot by just reading the threads here and observing what has worked for others.

[tired girl]

Here is the problem with comparing affairs, what you are really trying to do is compare pain, my pain is worse than your pain. And is that really true? If you want this to work, you both have to acknowledge there is pain on both sides, and be compassionate with each other. This is the thing that makes it so difficult when there is an affair on both sides. Can it work? Yes, I believe so.

The thing with the counselor, were you told you needed to do the follow up for the next appt? If not, find a new counsellor ASAP, and explain to your wife that expectations cannot be met when they are not even laid out. You are not a mind reader, neither is she and that is the number one thing that has to stop right now. That is what got the two of you in this mess, not communicating. Your wife needs to start understanding that communicating EVERY single thing starts now.

 

How long until we were happy? Well it is still a work in progress. It is way better now than it was a year ago. We are not quite two years from me catching him. And almost four years from what I did. But he rugswept what I did for almost two years, so he is just been dealing with it for almost two years now. We have started new hobbies for the two of us, I think that is a big thing. We are making new memories and having fun doing these new things we have never done.

It is critical that the two of you figure out what allowed you to do this. My husband and I have spent a lot of time in individual counseling before Marriage counseling. We had to fix ourselves individually before we could fix the marriage. We are now fixing the marriage and it is getting really good.

[cocahouts]

Tired Girl and Mickey,

I think you both hit me exactly as I feel. Mickey you're right, before this whole mess started and I can pinpoint to the month that it started. I failed to act and I made up a story trying to figure out what my wife did. We basically both sabotaged ourselves for not being honest. So every affair starts out basically the same due to "norms" but you're right again the stories on how or why we recover from them. Very well said.

Tired Girl, the appointment test in my mind was a big misunderstanding with a little untruthfulness mixed in. Once again the communication wasn't 100%. So now it backfired and we both said some things that were nasty...although nothing about the affairs so I'm proud of both of us about that.

 

My wife if comfortable with this counselor so I am going to confront them both about what they did and see what the counselor says before I decide to go elsewhere. I do like this counselor but I don't think she handles infidelity, she's fixed me up on my depression issues pretty much the first visit, till I caught the affair.

 

We've never danced...I am going to try and recommend that.

 

If you have any other hobby, joint ideas I would love to hear them.

 

You guys are the greatest