cag1007 Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 I am currently at a loss as to how to move on and quite frankly I am ashamed that I haven't already given the circumstances. I find it hard at times to cope and my self-esteem just plummets despite the fact that I have many positives in life (grad school, family, rock climbing, great job and etc.). I was with this guy for two and half years until my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer (stage 3c) two years ago. The relationship was great up until this point and I sincerely thought we would get married one day. During the initial period of my mothers cancer I went through an existential crisis. I broke up with him because I did not feel supported nor desirable. I immediately regretted the break up and sometimes feel like it was biggest mistake of my life due to rash thinking. Over the two years, we had kept in contact, which was on/off and plain weird. When we were talking his emails were consistent but generally felt like his was checking in on me..almost keeping tabs. I recently just stopped emailing him in late august because I was just done fighting for him and he has even said a peep. During the summer there seemed some promise of possibly restarting the relationship but this quickly changed after he came back from a guys trip. Logically I know I am doing the right thing by walking away but it's hard walking away from someone you're in love with. It's hard with all the things that have been said (i.e. I will always love you, I don't want to see you marrying someone else) and having his actions not match those words. The whole thing has just made me feel undesirable and that there is something wrong with me. Anyways any input or insight would be greatly appreciated.
2fargone Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 I might be missing something here, with only 3 posts from you.... But I wonder why you think you're doing the right thing by walking away.... You're being vague at best about the whole situation. What changed after the guy trip etc etc...
Nubcake Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 I know the pain. All I can think about is my ex saying she will love me forever, wants to marry, have kids. Even named the kids. Nothing to be ashamed about. We still feel that way and our ex's don't. They lost love for us/moved on and most likely could care less atleast in my case. Nothing wrong with you at all.
2fargone Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 I know the pain. All I can think about is my ex saying she will love me forever, wants to marry, have kids. Even named the kids. Nothing to be ashamed about. We still feel that way and our ex's don't. They lost love for us/moved on and most likely could care less atleast in my case. Nothing wrong with you at all. I think there's a difference here... OP seems to be the dumper....
Nubcake Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 I think there's a difference here... OP seems to be the dumper.... Ah sorry it's 4am I should sleep and like you said its vague.
Author cag1007 Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 I might be missing something here, with only 3 posts from you.... But I wonder why you think you're doing the right thing by walking away.... You're being vague at best about the whole situation. What changed after the guy trip etc etc... Yes Nubcake, rereading my post it is a little vague and 2fargone I was the dumper. I was unsure what details to include but mostly I didn't know what to say oddly. I guess I am afraid of him (for some reason) finding this post... As for what happened over the summer, we started up contact in may/april after a period of NC from January. I broke it because primarily I really missed him so I took a chance recontacting him. He responded immediately (to my surprise) and we started emailing each other on a weekly basis. Eventually I asked him to coffee and he agreed to meet up. Coffee went well for the most part. We had a two hour conversation which didn't seem forced, lots of laughing but when the conversation came to the topic of relationships...it got a little weird. He mostly commented on his brother (getting married) and room mates(moved in with gf) relationships..saying how he couldn't be with girls that they were paired up with. I avoided talking about emotional stuff in my emails because I didn't want to pressure him and respect his feelings/boundaries. A week after coffee he apologized for projecting his attitude of indifference onto me and I forgave him. Our emails got increasingly longer and started to expand from his regular "safe" topics (i.e. family, getting into grad school and work). So I asked him if he would like to visit some exhibits in town, which he tentatively agreed to.He told me that he was going a guy trip but we could go after he came back. I was excited because over the years we only met up for coffee a handful of times. But when I received his email after his guys trip, it felt like a complete 180 and a slap in the face: brief, no mention of meeting up and back to his safe topics. After that our communication stayed brief and controlled. So I walked away because I felt defeated realizing that he was essentially sending me the same email he sent a year prior. I am been trying to rebuild myself ever since.
2fargone Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Sounds to me like perhaps you give up to easily. Obviously you don't want to move on, you want him back. So make the frigging effort, lay it all out in the open. Don't hint, just say it. Pursue... What makes you think you're doing the right thing by walking away ? From his point of view that's exactly what you did before... If I'm wrong about this, then go NC. If as a dumper that is too hard for you, then obviously you want him back..... I don't see the problem really... 1
GeorgesIsntAtHome Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 Sounds to me like perhaps you give up to easily. Obviously you don't want to move on, you want him back. So make the frigging effort, lay it all out in the open. Don't hint, just say it. Pursue... What makes you think you're doing the right thing by walking away ? From his point of view that's exactly what you did before... If I'm wrong about this, then go NC. If as a dumper that is too hard for you, then obviously you want him back..... I don't see the problem really... This^ seems like you're just afraid of ghosts here and running away from something, giving up too quick, confused.. I say dont wait till you find out that he has moved on, maybe you're clinging to the fact that he's still there, but that could change if he feels like he's had enough, plus if you respect him, he might be hurting right now.. seems like you're doing more wrong than right right now :/ just go for it, if it doesnt work you'll be fiuxed, what do you have to lose? nothing worse than regrets...
Grumpybutfun Posted November 16, 2013 Posted November 16, 2013 cag: Really what did you expect? You broke the guys heart, then you are in and out of his life with e-mails that act like you two are just acquaintances and then you get upset that he doesn't pursue you? You broke his heart. He is afraid of you and your wishy washy ways. You threw away a good guy and the best thing you can do for him and yourself is sit down and talk about the elephant in the room. You said he apologized for his indifference? Wow, you are the one who needs to apologize and then you need to release him once and for all in a conversation that goes like this, "I am sorry that I was in a bad place when I found out about my mom's cancer. It really was an emotional time for me and I really felt out of control and not myself. I wish I could do things over, but the past is the past. So, I just want you to know that I really am appreciative of you and our time together but from the way I acted, I realize that we have to move on from each other because I am not ready for any kind of relationship until I figure out who I am and what I am willing to give to be in a relationship." Then be kind and release him. You aren't ready because you are ashamed you haven't moved on when you really should be ashamed at how you led him on. Good luck, Grumps
Author cag1007 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 Sounds to me like perhaps you give up to easily. Obviously you don't want to move on, you want him back. So make the frigging effort, lay it all out in the open. Don't hint, just say it. Pursue... What makes you think you're doing the right thing by walking away ? From his point of view that's exactly what you did before... If I'm wrong about this, then go NC. If as a dumper that is too hard for you, then obviously you want him back..... I don't see the problem really... I should have added this to my original post : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/345192-unhappy-still-love-ex#post4260503 After our break up in October 2011, I immediately regretted it and told him so but that ended in an emotional fight, causing him to periodically check up on me every 3 months...still I would honestly told him what I felt. Nothing. Prior to the NC, we were emailing back since August 2012 and he contacted me. I did tell him my feelings, apologized from what I did and asked for a second chance. He said he couldnt comment on his feelings at the time. But he did commented on us getting back to together because he doesn't know when we would be ready. He said he was extremely busy and that he can't give someone what they deserve..so these emails were the best he could do. So I accepted that for awhile and he would email each month. So I feel that I have been trying to win him back since 2011 and felt this time I should take a less emotional approach. I guess I feel like I never do the right thing. I thought about just telling him the truth when I received that email. I understand that he is hurting to, he has a right to be guarded and that I am not 100% in the right. But I just don't know how to address the hurt and work to making amends unless he is willing to have a frank discussion. I feel like I just keep digging myself into a deeper hole and feel hence why I came to this forum.
Author cag1007 Posted November 17, 2013 Author Posted November 17, 2013 cag: Really what did you expect? You broke the guys heart, then you are in and out of his life with e-mails that act like you two are just acquaintances and then you get upset that he doesn't pursue you? You broke his heart. He is afraid of you and your wishy washy ways. You threw away a good guy and the best thing you can do for him and yourself is sit down and talk about the elephant in the room. You said he apologized for his indifference? Wow, you are the one who needs to apologize and then you need to release him once and for all in a conversation that goes like this, "I am sorry that I was in a bad place when I found out about my mom's cancer. It really was an emotional time for me and I really felt out of control and not myself. I wish I could do things over, but the past is the past. So, I just want you to know that I really am appreciative of you and our time together but from the way I acted, I realize that we have to move on from each other because I am not ready for any kind of relationship until I figure out who I am and what I am willing to give to be in a relationship." Then be kind and release him. You aren't ready because you are ashamed you haven't moved on when you really should be ashamed at how you led him on. Good luck, Grumps Thank you grumpybutfun for your honesty. I am ashamed of my actions. I will follow your suggestion.
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