Unhappy and Still in Love with Ex

[cag1007]

My ex and I were together for almost three years. Throughout our relationship he was always busy but still managed to find time for us. He constantly told me that he would one day marry me and that if we ever broke up he would win me back. At that moment, I sincerely believed him. We were in love and he did make me extremely happy.

 

My ex was wonderful until he graduated from university. After he graduated, he started working to jobs, which is fine...but he started increasingly adding on more and more hours until it seemed like he was working full time at both jobs. On top of this heavily work load, my ex is working towards getting into med school, which he has his heart set on. As a result, he started becoming emotionally worn out.

 

Normally, I am very understanding of my partners workloads and try my best to make light of our busy schedules. However, last summer my mom was diagnosed with late stage 3 breast cancer and at the moment we didn't know whether she was going to pull through or not (she did). As a result, I went through an existential crisis about my life and how it would be like without my beloved mother. My ex was unable to provide me with the emotional support I needed. So after much deliberation I decided to break it off last October despite knowing I wouldn't be happy either way... since I love him but not his current behavior.

 

My ex felt like he was blindsided by my decisions because he seemed happy with our status quo. I had talked to him multiple times about our issues but whether we discussed the topic of his busy schedule, he tends to clam up. Prior to our relationship, the majority of my ex's relationships have ended due to his busy lifestyle. After our break up it seems like he has taken this fact to heart that he will always be busy and as a result he can't have a relationship.

 

To this day, I regret my decision of breaking up with him. I tried on multiple occasions to win him back but our conversations ended up as heated yelling matches with mixed messages. On one hand he would say that he didn't want to be with me then tell me that he still loved me and would hate to see me with another guy yet alone married to another guy. I tried the casual approach about just talking about anything other than our relationship but I grew tired of being the only one initiating the conversation and having it just diminish on his end...so I stopped chasing him.

 

Since May, he started periodically contracting me (e.g every 3 weeks.. give or take) on facebook, updating me about his MCAT prep and asking about what I have been up to. Due to frustrations with these interactions, I decided to delete him and his friends from my facebook account for my own sanity. I just didn't want to know what he was doing and who he may or may not with with.

 

Late August, my ex emailed me out of the blue updating me on his MCAT scores and asking me about my life. I find this to be completely weird considering I deleted him at least a month prior. Eventually I started responding to his emails with the guidance of my closest guy friend. So far these emails have discusses how our families are doing and our academic endeavours. He has offered to provide me with GRE material, which I am currently studying for. His response rate to these emails varies from responding on the day of to over a week. Regardless, these interactions have me confused and afraid that I will get my hopes up again...mostly I am very wearily of his intentions.

 

Should I just ask him straight up about his intentions or see how the emails play out?

[Leigh 87]

This is a hard one. If a close family member is truly sick, a guy who loves you should be there to support you. That said, I was bad at supporting my partner at first, about his mother who died suddenly; I honestly did not know what to do, but over time I have learnt. He could have broken up with me, but I told him how much I cared about him.

Did your boyfriend, after you questioned him about his lack of support regarding your mother, that you did not feel that he loved and cared for you the way that a partner should?

If he tried to tell you how much he did love you, maybe he was just bad at supporting you? He cared, but was just bad at giving support.

If he did not tell you how much he loves you and how much he would take care of you during this difficult time, and he just acted indifferent about it, I would question is character, or his love for you.

 

Another point I want to address is: after years together, I think if your really in love, you would find it extremely difficult to go weeks without seeing each other.

I have broken up with my boyfriend, but we are just so miserable without having each other. Desite having our own lives, friends, and endevours.

The fact you have been apart for weeks, suggests that you had a big argument or several, therefore you needed the time to think things through. In which case maybe your both missing each other like crazy.

The only way I can describe our situation, is to say: when we are apart, it is like a deap wound is open. It is not something we get over or would get over, should we have stayed apart. It is a deap sense of a lingering feeling, that you want to be together and deap down you know he really loves you.

 

Fortunately, I have never broken up and been apart for weeks without seeing my ex, because we do not have busy schedules like you two do, therefore I cannot advise you with your situation.

 

I hope you work it out, and try to really feel what life is like without each other.

[cag1007]

When I look back during that time I feel like I misinterpreted his support for me because I was so emotionally charged. He had his only way with dealing with the stress of the situation. He told me that he was emotionally burnt out but still here for me. His absence has shown me how much he contributed to my life and what I unfortunately took for granted. Hopefully my absence has showed him the same.

 

I still feel very connected to him and miss him like crazy after all these months. I have tried moving on by dating other people but he still remains in my heart. It seems that every time I try to move on, he starts contacting me again then the communication abruptly stops. Currently, our email exchange has stopped and he hasn't replied in two weeks. I am unsure whether to call him on this behavior as well whether he feels the same way I do. Regardless, this is driving me crazy.