Complicated is complicated

[ComingInHot]

quick question, since realizing you were talking in terms of "weeks" and not Years as I would have thought, Did think, are you contemplating or still dwelling on the "how flipping long is this going take for him to get over it" perspective or are you now seeing that it will take him AT MINIMUM (unless he is out of this world AMAZING**) the length of your entire Affair?

CIH*

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I'm sure it does have some relevancy. But, what role is my older sister supposed to have? Her being the older sibling is nothing like my husband's older sibling situation. My sister, might as well be younger.

 

But, you have piqued my curiosity. I am not being defensive, I guess you can say I mirror my husband's skeptical side (smiling while typing this) by not putting much stock into things that can have some general "statements" that people can apply to themselves, in almost every case.

 

(I cannot tell you how much it hurt my brain to see people saying "Mars is in retro-grade! That explains the craziness!" - So, please understand, I am not feeling you are attacking me personally, I am just a skeptic - and slightly amused.)

 

Firstborns are over-achievers and people-pleasers, especially towards the parents.

Baby-of-the-Family are less structured and require more attention and external validation.

 

 

Birth Order and Personality: How Siblings Influence Who We Are

 

As the leader of the pack, firstborns often tend to be:

 

• Reliable
  
• Conscientious
  
• Structured
  
• Cautious
  
• Controlling
  
• Achievers
  

Firstborns bask in their parents' presence, which may explain why they sometimes act like mini-adults. Firstborns are diligent and want to be the best at everything they do. They excel at winning the hearts of their elders.

 

Youngest children tend to be the most free-spirited due to their parents' increasingly laissez-faire attitude towards parenting the second (or third, or fourth, or fifth...) time around. The baby of the family tends to be:

 

• Fun-loving
  
• Uncomplicated
  
• Manipulative
  
• Outgoing
  
• Attention-seeker
  
• Self-centered
  

 

 

I also recommend both of you taking the Myers-Briggs test as part of your reconciliation.

[2sunny]

Neither if us were sexually abused. However, he was emotionally abused by his father (alcoholic) who is a Annapolis Navy grad and went on to study at Harvard in Law. His father never let my husband have a childhood (playing with friends, just being a goofy kid- type deal) and forced him into long nights and early mornings of projects. Projects, like science fairs and extra circular studies. Husband didn't want to be an engineer but his dad wanted it for him. Husband wanted to go a high end art college (in Rhode Island) and ended up at Stanford. He doesn't look back on ages 11-21 fondly. Was always working in one form or another.

 

I didn't state sexual abuse...

 

Is he "learning" how to play and be more care free?

[salyssa]

quick question, since realizing you were talking in terms of "weeks" and not Years as I would have thought, Did think, are you contemplating or still dwelling on the "how flipping long is this going take for him to get over it" perspective or are you now seeing that it will take him AT MINIMUM (unless he is out of this world AMAZING**) the length of your entire Affair?

CIH*

 

I actually went back and re-read my posts and reflected on it. This was me being my "instant gratification" self. I expected my husband to be on *my* timeline, and that is something I have always done and it always bites me in the butt. I understand that I will never be trusted and that it will be years until any level or normalcy is achieved (if ever...). Emotion is so...unknown to him. I think it even surprises him that he has this amount of feeling (I can see it on his face at times, that he doesn't know what to exactly do with it.). So now, when he stops awkwardly when in the middle of asking me a question about the A, I put my hand on his knee, and say "Can you tell me what you are feeling?" to encourage him to get it out. He is a thinker...not a feeler - so this has got to be odd for him. I always called him "Vulcan" in the past, and with reason. The lash outs are still happening, but I think, after re-reading my "me" posts and seeing what others where saying here (and in therapy), that this is where he should be and he is damn entitled to it - so I won't shy away from it. Once I stopped shying away from it, I became more empathetic, and that is where I need to be coming from. I'm not the effin' victim. He is. It has been slowly getting better and I think that is because my perspective did a major switch.

[underwater2010]

I actually went back and re-read my posts and reflected on it. This was me being my "instant gratification" self. I expected my husband to be on *my* timeline, and that is something I have always done and it always bites me in the butt. I understand that I will never be trusted and that it will be years until any level or normalcy is achieved (if ever...). Emotion is so...unknown to him. I think it even surprises him that he has this amount of feeling (I can see it on his face at times, that he doesn't know what to exactly do with it.). So now, when he stops awkwardly when in the middle of asking me a question about the A, I put my hand on his knee, and say "Can you tell me what you are feeling?" to encourage him to get it out. He is a thinker...not a feeler - so this has got to be odd for him. I always called him "Vulcan" in the past, and with reason. The lash outs are still happening, but I think, after re-reading my "me" posts and seeing what others where saying here (and in therapy), that this is where he should be and he is damn entitled to it - so I won't shy away from it. Once I stopped shying away from it, I became more empathetic, and that is where I need to be coming from. I'm not the effin' victim. He is. It has been slowly getting better and I think that is because my perspective did a major switch.

You are exactly the right track. When he lashes out with his anger...try to hug him. Say your sorry and understand how much you hurt him. This goes a long, long way for the BS. Also, find little things that he likes and do them for him. Maybe a little love you note in his car or bring him a favorite drink or treat. Thank him for working so hard for your family.

 

Also, don't be surprised when you get angry or hurt or feel guilty. Just remind yourself that if he didn't love you he would not have given you a second chance.

 

Reconciliation is hard and takes time. So be kind to him and yourself. Own your crap and work toward a new future.

[salyssa]

Firstborns are over-achievers and people-pleasers, especially towards the parents.

Baby-of-the-Family are less structured and require more attention and external validation.

 

 

Birth Order and Personality: How Siblings Influence Who We Are

 

As the leader of the pack, firstborns often tend to be:

 

• Reliable
  
• Conscientious
  
• Structured
  
• Cautious
  
• Controlling
  
• Achievers
  

Firstborns bask in their parents' presence, which may explain why they sometimes act like mini-adults. Firstborns are diligent and want to be the best at everything they do. They excel at winning the hearts of their elders.

 

Youngest children tend to be the most free-spirited due to their parents' increasingly laissez-faire attitude towards parenting the second (or third, or fourth, or fifth...) time around. The baby of the family tends to be:

 

• Fun-loving
  
• Uncomplicated
  
• Manipulative
  
• Outgoing
  
• Attention-seeker
  
• Self-centered
  

 

 

I also recommend both of you taking the Myers-Briggs test as part of your reconciliation.

 

Myers-Briggs? Isn't that for bi-polar disorder? A bubble sheet?

 

Interesting post though and thank you for posting it! Oddly enough, my sister is none of those for the "first-born". She is 3 years my senior, divorced with 2 kids (had a numerous affairs on her ex-husband before leaving him), in a long-term-but-not-going-anywhere relationship with a doctor that wants her because she is pretty and is a nice accessory. She loves it. She gets all the fine things: million-dollar home, plastic surgery that she doesn't need, and lavish vacations. She never spends time with her children and pawns them off to my mother for days. She also suffers from bulimia and over-exercising. When talking to her on the phone, it is literally like you aren't even there. I have actually put down the phone to use the restroom and come back to hear her talking about what she is going to wear for her trip to the Kentucky Derby. So, I have seen her maybe, once in the last 3 years and she is only 40 minutes from my house. I haven't called her about the situation here. I have no need to discuss this openly with others - except here.

[salyssa]

I didn't state sexual abuse...

 

Is he "learning" how to play and be more care free?

 

He is. One of my happiest moments with him is when we went to Maui and I saw him jumping into the waves in the ocean and laughing. He was a total kid! Every now and again, I will see him smile so big that he gets these little gaps in the sides of his mouth and I would always bounce up and down and yell "GAP SMILE!!!!" and try to put my fingers there (I know, gross, but this wasn't typically done in public and it made him crack up while attempting to bat my hands away). He really has a side that is capable of being free and that is probably why I believe in him and love him. While he still might turn on the morning news and want to discuss physics, I always rebelled by turning on the Xbox360 and waiving my arms saying "LET'S PLAY HALO!!!!". He'd cave and guess who bought the next Halo video game? One hint: not me!!!! This morning, I brought out our old box of Lego's and put a sticky note on it and said "Date night?". This is our roots and I want to start again. I have been given this gift.

[ComingInHot]

salyssa, I'm extremely Impressed! !

Keep this up and may not end up w/things being as they were before your A.... but Better*

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Myers-Briggs? Isn't that for bi-polar disorder? A bubble sheet?

 

Personality Test and Matrix

 

My MBTI Personality Type - MBTI Basics

 

My MBTI Personality Type - MBTI Basics - The 16 MBTI Types

 

Myers Briggs Test | MBTI Personality Types

 

There are free ones online somewhere, or your counselor can do it.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Personality Test and Matrix

 

My MBTI Personality Type - MBTI Basics

 

My MBTI Personality Type - MBTI Basics - The 16 MBTI Types

 

Myers Briggs Test | MBTI Personality Types

 

There are free ones online somewhere, or your counselor can do it.

 

 

Interesting stuff right there, did those tests a few months ago, creepy accurate. In our case, the parent styles of our types, our kids said were spot on.

[aliveagain]

Now you just need to find out how you allowed yourself to go from being a wife, creating a new life with the man you married(there had to be happy moments there somewhere)than systematically proceeding to dismantle it all by bringing a predator into it. You leave the father of your child and actually move in with the man that is attacking your marriage and in a way offer him the chance to be your daughters parent even though he abandoned his own child. What was going through your mind that made this seem all right to you? What were you planning on telling your child as to why someone other than her father was raising her? What did you think of your husband knowing what you just did to him, how did you feel about yourself knowing you were actually doing these things. Why did you choose to trade your husband in for a man of such lower standards? Did any of this at any time seem surreal to you? When you woke up each morning with this stranger did it feel right knowing that your daughters real father was missing out on all these moments? Did you ever ask yourself "how did I get here?"

 

I am having such a hard time understanding your thinking(at the time), how anything you did for your family could have possibly been for the better? How were you able to stop protecting them by deciding to do something so selfish? How were you able to flip flop from your husband to a guy who left his wife and child and than back to your husband and act like everything is OK? How do you pick up the pieces, where do you hide the big white elephant in the room when you are all together? How do you feel when you think about it all? Are you the same woman he proudly married? What does marriage mean to you now? Do you think you can make him feel safe again?

 

I am trying to understand your actions for myself hoping they will help me. I think these things are going through your husbands mind even if he doesn't say it.

Edited November 14, 2013 by aliveagain

[salyssa]

Now you just need to find out how you allowed yourself to go from being a wife, creating a new life with the man you married(there had to be happy moments there somewhere)than systematically proceeding to dismantle it all by bringing a predator into it. You leave the father of your child and actually move in with the man that is attacking your marriage and in a way offer him the chance to be your daughters parent even though he abandoned his own child. What was going through your mind that made this seem all right to you? What were you planning on telling your child as to why someone other than her father was raising her? What did you think of your husband knowing what you just did to him, how did you feel about yourself knowing you were actually doing these things. Why did you choose to trade your husband in for a man of such lower standards? Did any of this at any time seem surreal to you? When you woke up each morning with this stranger did it feel right knowing that your daughters real father was missing out on all these moments? Did you ever ask yourself "how did I get here?"

 

I am having such a hard time understanding your thinking(at the time), how anything you did for your family could have possibly been for the better? How were you able to stop protecting them by deciding to do something so selfish? How were you able to flip flop from your husband to a guy who left his wife and child and than back to your husband and act like everything is OK? How do you pick up the pieces, where do you hide the big white elephant in the room when you are all together? How do you feel when you think about it all? Are you the same woman he proudly married? What does marriage mean to you now? Do you think you can make him feel safe again?

 

I am trying to understand your actions for myself hoping they will help me. I think these things are going through your husbands mind even if he doesn't say it.

 

 

I want to address, first, the question of "back to your husband and act like everything is OK"? Everything is not OK. There has been a lot of damage done and it is still heavy in the air. In therapy, I learned that I can choose to make this worse by being awkward, waiting for the storms to come, anticipating any difficulties. The other option is that I can be prepared for the hard times that will happen yet still create a warm and loving environment filled with being the best I can be. If either of us dwells in all negative, that is where we will stay and the things that brought us together in the first place, will be side-lined. In our MC, the husband and I understand that this is the time to communicate, discuss what we want/values/desires and re-discover ourselves in this marriage as the people we are now. Nothing I did was for "the better". Negating growth from this situation is something you won't find me saying, though. The A *didn't* need to occur for growth to happen. Please don't misunderstand. Growth can happen with discovery of happiness, being in a time of sorrow, painful/angry situations and rarely does growth happen when things are comfortable. I could of/should of done this differently and I didn't. I could of effin' TALKED. Opened my mouth and said what I was feeling and I failed miserably there. Now is my time to make amends and I could be making amends for the rest of my life. Making amends isn't saying "I love you" or making him breakfast. Those things are just how I show my love. Making amends includes sacrifice and giving up the things that I was used to having before, i.e. privacy, and doing the things that most people don't like to do. If my husband wants me to hand over my phone at any time, I will do so. If my husband wants me to go to work with him in his office on my work from home days, I will do so. I will also do these things WITHOUT being asked because I am trying to lay new foundation on a marriage/life/husband that I leveled with my selfishness.

 

Many times had I thought "how did I get here?", "how could I do this?", "how could I ever be okay with my life now?" and most importantly "how can I live with myself with taking my daughter's growing experiences away from her family?". That last one always hit me more than any others. I would sit and imagine being in my home, waking up to him with my daughter and end the though in knowing that I took a bulldozer to this opportunity. I wrecked it. Now, I speak of the regret bluntly to my husband and apologize for creating such ugliness. He nods in understanding but not in forgiveness, and honestly, that is perfectly alright with me. He may never forgive me. I wasn't immune to guilt/regret through this all, and I don't know if that makes it worse that I continued it or not.

 

We have our first date night this Friday with the baby being at the Grandparent's house. We discussed this last night and what to do. It's a new dynamic for us. We are both extremely curious about what we can bring to the table with this new relationship. It is time to show our stuff! We liked each other enough to continue dating almost 10 years ago. I'm sure we will find a similarities today.

 

There is actually more talking in the last couple weeks or so, than there has been in the last 2 years. Talking. All. The. Time.

[aliveagain]

Please believe me when I say that I am not trying to attack you in any way but my questions are about what your mindset is now as it pertains to your family, your husband and the O/M. I hope it gets you thinking about things that perhaps only a betrayed spouse might think and that your thinking isn't so one sided. Just two weeks ago you were waking up in O/M's arms in a home you shared with him, how is what you have now real, how were you able to turn off O/M or is there still something there? How have you explained it to your husband, how have you explained it to immediate family? How do they feel about your actions?

Edited November 14, 2013 by aliveagain

[salyssa]

Please believe me when I say that I am not trying to attack you in any way but my questions are about what your mindset is now as it pertains to your family, your husband and the O/M. I hope it gets you thinking about things that perhaps only a betrayed spouse might think and that your thinking isn't so one sided. Just two weeks ago you were waking up in O/M's arms in a home you shared with him, how is what you have now real, how were you able to turn off O/M or is there still something there? How have you explained it to your husband, how have you explained it to immediate family? How do they feel about your actions?

 

I don't feel attacked. I think your questions are good and valid.

 

My A ended more than 2 weeks ago. The actual A ended a couple months back. When the OM moved here, I'd been living in my apartment for a few months already. I moved to my apartment alone in the early summer and the OM moved in September. When the OM arrived, things went decently for a week or so, but the approaching final orders hearing for my legal separation, it was clear that I hadn't let go of my marriage (even though, I believed my husband had). I did not go back and forth with my H and the OM during the separation and living apart. My apartment was my living space and I kept it as a place to sleep, eat, shower and work from. I have a two bedroom apartment and took to sleeping in my daughter's room once the OM moved in. I gave my H space (although we texted videos and pictures of our daughter every night depending who had her) and didn't force myself back into the marriage. I told the A that I was sorry I wasn't what he thought I would be upon moving here and we detached from the relationship. The OM handled his end by getting in therapy to handle the loss of the potential relationship, moving to a new state and working with his ex-wife with visiting arrangements. The OM started doing group events on "meet up" and started to build his own life here, without me.

 

Then came Halloween. Dday was the day before Halloween. But my H and I agreed to co-parent the holiday together and even after Dday, the H asked me to stay over that night. I confirmed with him "Are you sure you are okay with this? Even knowing all of this? You want me to pack an overnight bag?". H response "Pack an overnight bag.". Then, after Halloween night, he asked me to stay the night again... and then the next night. Sunday morning, the H said "I don't see any point for you going back to your apartment, and I am alright with you moving home now.". H knew I was in more of a "roommate" situation but regardless, it is still the man that I had the A with - so I didn't hesitate on the H's request to have me back in the home. Not. For. One. Second. I came back to the apartment and collected my things and told the xAP that I was moving out and we could arrange getting him to be the primary on the accounts for the gas/electric/internet. I told my H when those conversations were had and since being home, I have been home.

 

As far as immediate family, the H's parents will not know the depth of this - other than it just being a separation. This was a joint decision made between the H and I in therapy. With the in-laws knowing, this could cause for them to make family occasions (holidays) bitter and cold. The H and I agree that we don't want our daughter witnessing that.The therapist made the suggestion of not disclosing this information due to how negatively it tends to go and also made the call from knowing the H's parents. If no children were involved, this would be handled differently. My family knows everything and are happy to see the H and I residing together again.

 

Edit: I should paint the family better.

 

His family: As I said before - 1950's. His father is the provider (Harvard lawyer) and his mother is the homemaker (although, I would not want to take care of *that* much house!) and is a social butterfly. His father and I get along very well. His mother and I are similar in ways, but she is definitely a 1950's housewife-type, where I am more loud and obnoxious. So, that has always been a funny dynamic.

 

My family: Mother has been divorced 3 times and has settled down with a kind man. My mother is a working mom, always has been. She is a business woman. I am very close with her but knows she has a tendency to get too involved, so that has always been something the H and I watch. My father lives about 20 minutes away, and I see him maybe once every couple months for a lunch. My relationship has been like that with him for my whole life. I love the man, but he is of different views and he is very very very passionate about politics and I can't stand it hearing it. Setting boundaries never worked, so when I see him, I make it short and nice. I don't mind it being that way. My family is more "modern" than his, by a long shot.

Edited November 14, 2013 by salyssa

[Quiet Storm]

I think this is going to be a difficult reconciliation because you have a lot of work to do on yourself.

 

Your husband's pain from the betrayal is one hurdle, but you will never be able to be a good partner or mother to anyone unless you focus on your underlying issues. This doesn't mean you can't simutaneously help your husband heal, because resolving your own issues will go along way to helping this marriage survive.

 

Thinking about suicide and not being able to take care of your baby is very serious stuff. Already being thin and only gaining 11 lbs while pregnant...that's not healthy. That weight gain would only be acceptable if you were already overweight. No wonder you couldn't nurse the baby- you were malnourished. I don't blame your husband for being upset about that, as he has your child's best interest at heart.

 

It sounds like you don't know healthy ways to cope. The reality is that there are many times over our lifetime that we will feel sad, neglected, wronged, lonely, judged, overwhelmed, etc. You must be able to cope with those things, while still continuing to care for yourself and your child.

 

Not eating, thinking of suicide, neglecting your child...those are not acceptable ways of coping. And while you may realize that now, while you are in a somewhat better place, you will revert to those same patterns the next time you feel overwhelmed. As a mother, you have to make your health (both mental & physical) a priority. You can't depend on your husband or MM to pull you out of misery & bring you back to life. Your emotional well being is YOUR responsibility.

 

I think right now you are focusing on healing your husband, which is the right thing to do for him. I just hope you understand that this will all fall apart again if you don't fix your issues that led you down this path. Infidelity is not the first self destructive thing you have done, and it won't be the last unless you get treatment. Once a week talk therapy isn't going to cut it.

 

People think many marriages fail because the spouses grow apart, or they aren't right for each other. But many times they fail because of one partners individual problems. One spouse with poor coping skills & self destructive tendencies can WRECK a marriage. You cannot love someone enough to make them love themselves, and eventually the stress of this results in divorce or a long, perpetually dysfunctional marriage.

 

Your husband was working & providing for your family. Meanwhile, you were on a downward spiral that led to infidelity & left you incapable of caring for your child. You didn't react that way because he neglected you...you reacted that way because you were never taught the skills to cope. His lack of attention was just that particular circumstance, at that particular time in your life. You will repeat this pattern over & over, and pass those unhealthy coping skills along to your child, if you do not take your own emotional health seriously.

 

I wish you the best.

[beach]

Is your H still working excessively?

 

What has changed?

 

Yes, he is angry - what else would be expected? How are you helping HIM with his anger? You CAUSED it, remember? What are you doing to repair the damage you caused?

[turnera]

Hand holding? I would like that! I love holding hands! I like snuggling too! I didn't marry a military man.

No, you married an engineer. Who quite often fit a particular mentality, which does NOT fall in line with holding hands and 'being there' for all the touchy feely stuff.

 

Thing is, he is who he is. You, like so many women, expected him to change for you. He didn't.

 

All you can do now is determine if BOTH of you can handle that the other person doesn't fit your desired match.

 

And I suggest you do it from different households for now if the anger doesn't go away. But definitely keep up the talking.

Edited November 14, 2013 by turnera

[salyssa]

Thinking about suicide and not being able to take care of your baby is very serious stuff. Already being thin and only gaining 11 lbs while pregnant...that's not healthy. That weight gain would only be acceptable if you were already overweight. No wonder you couldn't nurse the baby- you were malnourished. I don't blame your husband for being upset about that, as he has your child's best interest at heart.

 

He wasn't upset about my inability to gain weight during pregnancy. That wasn't a choice, that was a condition of pregnancy. I ate plenty and all the time. I remember being SO happy that I was pregnant for the Holidays (Halloween candy, Thanksgiving and Xmas) because of the food. I didn't starve myself while pregnant. I don't have food issues, I've seen enough of that from my own sister and don't envy her position. I didn't eat well, like most people, when I separated from my husband. The "divorce diet", if you will. Out of everything I read, I would say this comment is the one thing that I will take a real stand on because it is just rude. As any woman who have experienced pregnancy would know, things don't always go the way we plan. My child stopped growing suddenly and it wasn't because I starved her or myself. And I couldn't breast feed for several reasons (List that applied to me: Hypothyriod, anemia from the blood loss at birth, and retained placenta.). I had to go in for a DNC right after birth because I was bleeding out. I was bleeding out because I had placenta still in me. Then, at my 6 week post-delivery appt, they found out that I had placenta left in me still. If a woman has placenta still left in her uterus, her body still thinks she is pregnant and will not produce the hormone called "prolactin" which starts milk production. So, yeah, talk about my marriage and my affair - where I actually went wrong. Don't talk about how my biological processes failed because I couldn't control that. The other things, I can control.

 

 

 

Is your H still working excessively?

 

What has changed?

 

Yes, he is angry - what else would be expected? How are you helping HIM with his anger? You CAUSED it, remember? What are you doing to repair the damage you caused?

 

 

He is angry. He is allowed to be angry. I am not going to repeat myself as you clearly have not read the last 2 pages, just what I originally posted which, these boards, the other BS's, helped me with their perspective and it shifted the hell out of mine. I was whiny and making this about me, and I didn't see that until I effin' read it out loud to myself. I actually turned my head to the side reading my original post and thought "What an effin' loser!". My H just called me and took me on a lunch date. I told my co-workers I was out for the afternoon. He is numero uno. That is how I repair this. I repair this by showing him he is #1 - constantly. I will listen to him, I will hold him, I will not run when the waves crash, because that is the reality I made. I will do everything I can improve our marriage. I'm working with a fantastic man in this and am seeing more and more of why I married him with each minute that passes. He will be angry. He...has... been.. betrayed. I didn't get that before when I posted here. But god damn, there are some people on here that were honest and harsh and I needed the smack in the face (and will need it from the H -not literally- as he goes through these emotions). I wasn't owning **** when I got on this thread. I was telling people my pity-party story. Since owning it here, in therapy (having had 3 therapy sessions this week), and to my H (several times now), I am no longer thinking of me in the way I was. I am thinking of me in terms of being the best for others which oddly enough, comes full circle back to me. When I am good to others, it feels good to me, and I like that feeling. I want to live in *that* feeling. When I am bad to others, it doesn't feel good to me and I don't like that feeling. That simple? Yeah, kind of is. My H needs to see giving from me - not taking or expecting something. So, I am full-force giving-mode. What is happening now that I am doing that? He is giving back to me tremendously and I didn't expect that. None if this score keeping, no bull****, just doing things that feel good to do for each other (which feels good to ourselves). I realized I hadn't been giving from my heart for a long time (well before the affair), and seeing what this simple action alone is generating, is jaw-dropping. Today, the man actually came home, to take me out to lunch, during his work day. And when he dropped me off at the house after lunch, he looked down at his cell and said "You know what, I'm going to finish my work day here with you, at the house office.". This is the man I fell in love with and am still in love with. Come what may, but I will be here to support him with whatever he needs. Especially the times when it isn't all roses and unicorn glitter.

[michelangelo]

What exactly are you doing to restore trust and affection to your marriage?

 

All I get out of this whole thread is defensive responses with neatly tied in a bow answers.

 

What I do not see is true remorse and responsibility for your actions.

 

It reeks of self absorbtion.

[tiredofitall2]

I cut her some slack because how many WS come here after such circumstances to try and find help?

 

She did the right thing and chose her family and husband. Even A as bad and wrong as they are are a result of things that are wrong with the M. So of course many don't resort to an A, but she did. The good thing is that she is back trying to repair the damage. Wouldn't be a great world of all WS would do as she is doing.

[aliveagain]

He wasn't upset about my inability to gain weight during pregnancy. That wasn't a choice, that was a condition of pregnancy. I ate plenty and all the time. I remember being SO happy that I was pregnant for the Holidays (Halloween candy, Thanksgiving and Xmas) because of the food. I didn't starve myself while pregnant. I don't have food issues, I've seen enough of that from my own sister and don't envy her position. I didn't eat well, like most people, when I separated from my husband. The "divorce diet", if you will. Out of everything I read, I would say this comment is the one thing that I will take a real stand on because it is just rude. As any woman who have experienced pregnancy would know, things don't always go the way we plan. My child stopped growing suddenly and it wasn't because I starved her or myself. And I couldn't breast feed for several reasons (List that applied to me: Hypothyriod, anemia from the blood loss at birth, and retained placenta.). I had to go in for a DNC right after birth because I was bleeding out. I was bleeding out because I had placenta still in me. Then, at my 6 week post-delivery appt, they found out that I had placenta left in me still. If a woman has placenta still left in her uterus, her body still thinks she is pregnant and will not produce the hormone called "prolactin" which starts milk production. So, yeah, talk about my marriage and my affair - where I actually went wrong. Don't talk about how my biological processes failed because I couldn't control that. The other things, I can control.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He is angry. He is allowed to be angry. I am not going to repeat myself as you clearly have not read the last 2 pages, just what I originally posted which, these boards, the other BS's, helped me with their perspective and it shifted the hell out of mine. I was whiny and making this about me, and I didn't see that until I effin' read it out loud to myself. I actually turned my head to the side reading my original post and thought "What an effin' loser!". My H just called me and took me on a lunch date. I told my co-workers I was out for the afternoon. He is numero uno. That is how I repair this. I repair this by showing him he is #1 - constantly. I will listen to him, I will hold him, I will not run when the waves crash, because that is the reality I made. I will do everything I can improve our marriage. I'm working with a fantastic man in this and am seeing more and more of why I married him with each minute that passes. He will be angry. He...has... been.. betrayed. I didn't get that before when I posted here. But god damn, there are some people on here that were honest and harsh and I needed the smack in the face (and will need it from the H -not literally- as he goes through these emotions). I wasn't owning **** when I got on this thread. I was telling people my pity-party story. Since owning it here, in therapy (having had 3 therapy sessions this week), and to my H (several times now), I am no longer thinking of me in the way I was. I am thinking of me in terms of being the best for others which oddly enough, comes full circle back to me. When I am good to others, it feels good to me, and I like that feeling. I want to live in *that* feeling. When I am bad to others, it doesn't feel good to me and I don't like that feeling. That simple? Yeah, kind of is. My H needs to see giving from me - not taking or expecting something. So, I am full-force giving-mode. What is happening now that I am doing that? He is giving back to me tremendously and I didn't expect that. None if this score keeping, no bull****, just doing things that feel good to do for each other (which feels good to ourselves). I realized I hadn't been giving from my heart for a long time (well before the affair), and seeing what this simple action alone is generating, is jaw-dropping. Today, the man actually came home, to take me out to lunch, during his work day. And when he dropped me off at the house after lunch, he looked down at his cell and said "You know what, I'm going to finish my work day here with you, at the house office.". This is the man I fell in love with and am still in love with. Come what may, but I will be here to support him with whatever he needs. Especially the times when it isn't all roses and unicorn glitter.

 

This, yes, yes, yes. Most of us don't discover this until it is too late. Most feel it's gone too far and are too proud to beg for forgiveness, they feel stuck in their bad situation. They move in with other man and think "I don't want this, I want to go home but I'm stuck, I can't go back because he'll never forgive me for what I've done." Most will try and justify their selfish decision rather than accept what they have done and who they have become. It's easier to rewrite the marriage history than do the work required to fix it. Yet here you are girl, the man that took you for better or worse is still there, he hurts, but he is still there. Tell him everyday you chose him and the marriage and thank him everyday for a second chance and for not giving up on you. Be an open book until he tells you to stop. Just one more question regarding negative sh*t, have you been tested for STD's? Please do so and you may want to take a pregnancy test to prove you are not pregnant so that never has to be a future issue. He won't say it but he's thinking it. Show him the proof.

[aliveagain]

Salyssa, one thing that has bothered me since your very first post is how you always compare your husband to your O/M. You have wished that your husband was more like him, really? Your husband dwarfs that scavenger POS who prays on women that are looking for attention on the internet. Have you thought about how you met him? You say you met him on line in a community of people, other mothers and fathers, you were pregnant. You latch on to this very helpful married father of a little boy. He kept telling you what he caringly did for his wife. You set his bu**sh*t as your standard for your husband and the more your husband fails to meet POS's purported standard(did you ever talk to his wife and ask her opinion of him?) the more you replace him with O/M(you totally ignore the fact that this POS is cheating on his wife and child with you).

 

His wife catches him and this pillar of society immediately dumps his wife and one year old baby boy and divorces her ass, what was all that bu**sh*t about how he cares for her cr*p. Now that he is single you fake a work trip to hook up and consummate your relationship with him, and you continue to do this with him over the summer(this is who you want your husband to be more like, a sleazy bag of dirt who is willing to bang another mans wife?). You state you met each others family's, who in your family knew about your infidelity but didn't disclose it to your husband? This is going to create additional problems for you, your husband is going to resent these people, your going to have to deal with this possibility, anyone that facilitated your affair will be seen as against the marriage. Did O/M meet your family?

 

Maybe I'm wrong but my spidey sense's are telling me that POS is a sleaze who meets married women on line by pretending to be this amazing father and husband, you may not have been his first rodeo. No man that portrays himself to be that great a husband and father leaves his own wife and baby to go play house with another mans wife and baby that easily. Why was he on that site? How long did it take super dad to have his first video of you, were you still pregnant? Do you see where I am going with this? He used you, Never Compare Your Husband With This Piece OF Sh*t Again, you traded a diamond for a shinny turd. You need to kill off any warm feelings you still have for POS, he is a predator and chased you down. This could explain why they divorced so quickly, she's caught him before.

Edited November 15, 2013 by aliveagain