Complicated is complicated

[AlwaysGrowing]

1 1/2 weeks and she's tired of his emotional outbursts yet she's holding a grudge for him being a workaholic for over a year now.

 

 

A new mother, with a difficult pregnancy, turns over the care of an infant DAUGHTER to a man she met on-line. A person that now...has no background (he moved to her city), no way to check him out through friends/family/his wife...you know....real people, real events, real situations. Admits, she became depressed, no mention of seeking professional help with this...only how nice it was to turn over all aspects of her responsibilities to this OM.

 

Uses the phrase "rape" in regard to how she feels towards her husbands lack of time off from work/not being there for appointments. Uses "negative energy" to describe her husband venting/sharing his pain. And that she needs to "detox" and just be.

 

That is why I said, if you are someone who needs someone else to hold your hand in life whenever something does not go your way, then marry someone who doesn't mind being the "fixer". It's not healthy....as the OM found out...usually the more you do...the more you have to do...with little to no return for your efforts.

[harrybrown]

So your wonderful OM. He cheated on his wife and baby.

 

He is a knight in shining armor. If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you. Have you ever talked to his ex-wife? What is her opinion of some cheating man that abandoned her and his baby for you?

 

So he must have wonderful morals. Have you been tested for stds?

 

My friend's wife cheated on him and gave him stds. This wonderful OM (so much better than your H) would not ever lie or cheat on you like he did his wife.

 

You are still in the land of the unicorns. Fantasy land. How would you feel if either your H or your wonderful OM cheated on you?

 

Most likely, it would be your wonderful OM. And when my friend divorced his wife, her OM abused their children. Her wonderful OM is now in jail.

 

Hope your wonderful OM is so much better than the others.

 

When you ripped your H's heart out of his chest and threw it in the fire, it will take years to get over that betrayal.

 

If you can not show more remorse over your cheating and lying, set your H free and let him find someone that does love him.

[salyssa]

A new mother, with a difficult pregnancy, turns over the care of an infant DAUGHTER to a man she met on-line. A person that now...has no background (he moved to her city), no way to check him out through friends/family/his wife...you know....real people, real events, real situations. Admits, she became depressed, no mention of seeking professional help with this...only how nice it was to turn over all aspects of her responsibilities to this OM.

 

Uses the phrase "rape" in regard to how she feels towards her husbands lack of time off from work/not being there for appointments. Uses "negative energy" to describe her husband venting/sharing his pain. And that she needs to "detox" and just be.

 

That is why I said, if you are someone who needs someone else to hold your hand in life whenever something does not go your way, then marry someone who doesn't mind being the "fixer". It's not healthy....as the OM found out...usually the more you do...the more you have to do...with little to no return for your efforts.

 

After the separation, I met the OM's family, extended family and friends. I do background screening for a living, so thanks for yet another assumption. You think I haven't spoken with his wife and she agreed that their marriage was already dead (and that she wasn't having an affair herself?)? I sent her an apology and she kindly responded. Also, there is joint custody. I didn't go for full. And on the weekend day that my husband had her, he would give her to his parents so he could work. He never spent a day with her in his weekend day. I thank you for your insight, but there is much you aren't aware of.

 

Another part, before our separation was final, went to a wedding and had a night with a woman. But I don't hold this against him (didn't mention it originally because who the hell am I to be upset about that?!) at all. I believe he is more in line to move forward because of this experience. My offense was worse, so much worse.

 

I agree in full honesty and have executed it. All questions are answered and I never avoided them, even the most painful. I have turned over all accounts and phone access. I deleted all reminders of the past and upon moving in, have ceased contact other than moving electricity/gas/water to the OM's name.

 

 

I understand I look horrible in this and I did do a horrible thing. I'm only frightened of the head to head combat getting in the way to our recovery. I don't fight him when he is upset about the affair or try to defend it. I don't know how long it takes to heal and I was looking for opinions. It seems I met a bunch of dedicated wives and husbands that were on the other side and are still angry themselves. I understand and I'm sorry that I am another offender you see. I don't expect support for such wrongs, just trying to grasp the process and ideas on my feelings. I'm here, at my house, trying to rebuild this. I'm not 100% because of the state of things in both of our ends. Looking for steps to take or not take is why I posted my story.

 

And I thought I stated that I've been in therapy in the first post. Been in therapy for a few months.

[tiredofitall2]

salyssa, I commend you for trying to reconcile your marriage. You will notice that much of the BS will not/ cannot sympathize with your side of the issues. Those issues are not as destructive as an affair. An affair is the most painful thing a spouse will face. Even worse than the death of his/her spouse.

 

That being said, you are here for a reason and you are trying. Many of the WW spouses of the BS here in this forum never did what you are doing. Seeking advise and help in a forum like this one!

 

About him not dedicating time to your D, that's wrong, but perhaps he is diving into his work to escape from problems and painful things in his life. Workaholics are the same as any other addicts. They drown their pains in their careers to not face the issues in their lives. Many times they are going through a lot of emotional issues and that may be something for both of you to look at and have a counselor treat.

 

Well, once the A thing is addressed. Keep working on your M for your DD sake! She needs both of you. Look up Affairadvise wordpress. Good info on affairs from all sides. Marriage Advocates also has a lot of articles on the matter that are incredibly insightful.

[aliveagain]

I can tell you as a betrayed spouse, even years out I still get angry at the deceit and shameless behavior of the person that vowed to me to have my back against the world. Had she been someone I didn't love the pain wouldn't have been so terrible. I unlike your husband ended my relationship with my ex, in fact to this day I am still unlisted so she can never find me. My ex had an affair child with her O/M, they always lie about using protection, you are wiser than my ex or perhaps just luckier. The pain is unbelievable, loosing a parent I think was easier to overcome. If you want to understand what your husband is going through and want a real chance at reconciliation, change your attitude, if we see it so does he. This is about your husband and your child, show your husband you mean it. Words mean sh*t, you have already proved you are a liar, that you are a cheater, you need to show him he can feel safe with you again.

 

Why will he believe you? Take the anger, understand where it's coming from, he too has a daughter and you have no right to take her father from her, she is innocent. Stop being so selfish.

[salyssa]

I can tell you as a betrayed spouse, even years out I still get angry at the deceit and shameless behavior of the person that vowed to me to have my back against the world. Had she been someone I didn't love the pain wouldn't have been so terrible. I unlike your husband ended my relationship with my ex, in fact to this day I am still unlisted so she can never find me. My ex had an affair child with her O/M, they always lie about using protection, you are wiser than my ex or perhaps just luckier. The pain is unbelievable, loosing a parent I think was easier to overcome. If you want to understand what your husband is going through and want a real chance at reconciliation, change your attitude, if we see it so does he. This is about your husband and your child, show your husband you mean it. Words mean sh*t, you have already proved you are a liar, that you are a cheater, you need to show him he can feel safe with you again.

 

Why will he believe you? Take the anger, understand where it's coming from, he too has a daughter and you have no right to take her father from her, she is innocent. Stop being so selfish.

 

Good lord! I never took my daughter away. Joint custody. Are people even reading? I never, ever, ever took her away. Like I mentioned before, I never fought custody. We even took co-parenting classes outside of the court together. In fact, we decided to work in the marriage after co-parenting Halloween night. We had a good split with custody. Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights were *his* nights with her. I took her Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday nights. And we each got one weekend DAY with her. Sadly, on Saturday DAYS (his day with her), he would pawn her off on his parents so he could work his weekends still. I never found a babysitter for her on my days with her. Sunday was my day with my baby and I spent it all with her. I started offering to come over on Saturdays to show him her routine on a weekend and how awesome she is. It just never clicked with him - but I understand that it can be with that way with men and babies. So, it was what it was. I never took her away.

 

I am a cheater and a liar. I did a very bad thing to someone.

 

I'm sorry your situation was the way it was. I don't expect your (or anyone's) sympathy. I want to hear how people recovered or didn't. I'm facing my issue and will continue to deal with his in how he handles it. I haven't left. I haven't yelled in his face blaming him. I painted the picture of where the crack opened and I chose to behave poorly in handling it. I regret it. Would I change it? Honestly, no. I've seen so much growth in everyone around me. I'm looking to learn to handle his anger (which is why I came here, to find how I need to support him while healing my issue in tandem) which I believe should be felt and experienced.

 

I didn't take my daughter from him. Ever. Let's be pretty freakin' clear here.

[AlwaysGrowing]

After the separation, I met the OM's family, extended family and friends. I do background screening for a living, so thanks for yet another assumption. You think I haven't spoken with his wife and she agreed that their marriage was already dead (and that she wasn't having an affair herself?)? I sent her an apology and she kindly responded. Also, there is joint custody. I didn't go for full. And on the weekend day that my husband had her, he would give her to his parents so he could work. He never spent a day with her in his weekend day. I thank you for your insight, but there is much you aren't aware of.

 

Another part, before our separation was final, went to a wedding and had a night with a woman. But I don't hold this against him (didn't mention it originally because who the hell am I to be upset about that?!) at all. I believe he is more in line to move forward because of this experience. My offense was worse, so much worse.

 

I agree in full honesty and have executed it. All questions are answered and I never avoided them, even the most painful. I have turned over all accounts and phone access. I deleted all reminders of the past and upon moving in, have ceased contact other than moving electricity/gas/water to the OM's name.

 

 

I understand I look horrible in this and I did do a horrible thing. I'm only frightened of the head to head combat getting in the way to our recovery. I don't fight him when he is upset about the affair or try to defend it. I don't know how long it takes to heal and I was looking for opinions. It seems I met a bunch of dedicated wives and husbands that were on the other side and are still angry themselves. I understand and I'm sorry that I am another offender you see. I don't expect support for such wrongs, just trying to grasp the process and ideas on my feelings. I'm here, at my house, trying to rebuild this. I'm not 100% because of the state of things in both of our ends. Looking for steps to take or not take is why I posted my story.

 

And I thought I stated that I've been in therapy in the first post. Been in therapy for a few months.

 

I respond to what you post, if you choose to leave out details that is on you.

 

(I couldn't explain what the other man had done for me because clearly, my husband wasn't ready to hear everything - he is still in the anger stage) B]

 

You previously stated that you are not completely honest.

 

You are quick to discount any criticism of your choices in any way. If you only knew how typical this is. Advice, change, challenging yourself is not what you are seeking here. Some just want to be coddled. Not all therapy is equal, many clients go looking for absolution instead of real change.

 

Anywho....good luck with your life...you seem to have it all/everyone figured out.

[aliveagain]

Sorry, but if you want to understand how a betrayed spouse may interpret an action you need to reverse your role. Moving in with O/M is the same thing to a husband who has just learned about his wife's infidelity, you and O/M are raising his daughter, you replaced him.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Did other man leave the state his child is in to come to live with you?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

He was married with, at the time, a little boy who was 1 year old at the time.

 

I felt he was more invested from 1,800 miles than my own husband,

 

the affair went from emotional to physical over webcam.

 

other man was caught by his wife. He divorced her rapidly after the discovery.

 

Summer of this year (13'), pixels became real

 

other man lands a job here, in my state. I moved forward in bringing the other man here to live with me. The other man moves in

 

He helps even more with my daughter, picks her up from daycare, buys her toys/clothes, shows me ways to play with her when I had no energy to do so.. He loved/loves her and I can see it.

 

My daughter. She knows him. It is the only thing I saw the other man tear up about when I moved out - was her. He bonded with her so much.

 

I can't begin to say how disturbed I am at the thought that other man abandoned his own child. Where does his child fit in?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I latched onto one specific man. He was married with, at the time, a little boy who was 1 year old at the time. He eased my mind about the complications and told me what he did for his wife. You see where this is going. I fell into the typical female affair of thinking "why isn't my husband this active in my pregnancy?". I would hear stories and it just surfaced anger in me. "Why can't my husband just put his hand on my tummy?" - "Doesn't my husband care about me at all?". My affair started emotionally. I remember setting up my daughter's baby room -BY MYSELF- and taking pictures for the other man, as I felt he was more invested from 1,800 miles than my own husband, who was "too busy" to concern himself with helping me paint, assemble and enjoy the room creation. Of course, the affair went from emotional to physical over webcam.

 

It was meeting the person who emotionally supported me during my pregnancy and after my pregnancy. He was the one to tell me that formula-feeding my child wasn't a failure on my part and that I needed to stop killing myself to produce when my body was clearly saying "STOP!". (This is just *one* of the ways he supported me, but important I list it.)

 

Other man seems like a predator to me. He was unhappy in his marriage and desired you romantically and sexually. IN MY OPINION, if he was a TRUE FRIEND, he would have talked to you about ways you could improve your marriage, MAYBE EVEN INTERCEDED BY TALKING TO YOUR HUSBAND, not had WEB-CAM sex sessions with a pregnant married woman.

 

I see nothing noble in what he did.

[aliveagain]

I can't begin to say how disturbed I am at the thought that other man abandoned his own child. Where does his child fit in?

 

He's a keeper, blows up his own family for someone he is having video sex with, moves halfway across the country to destroy her family and she defends him to her betrayed husband. Yet she thinks this is still about her. No relationship will work for her until she opens her eyes. She needs to do some serious digging, what happened in her life that made her this way?

[ComingInHot]

waitwaitwait What?! You're H has only known for one and half weeks??!

Weeks.

Not Years... weeks... oh.

 

I can't even touch this one all. Sorry and good luck with this one.

 

...a week and a half........ huh.........

[Jonah]

It can be imperceptible for how slowly it happens, but could it be that your husbands workaholic tenancies increased as your online attentions to your OM increased? It's common that as the WS energies, ever so small are diverted to the OP that the drifting apart occurs. Your husband may have been much more supportive if he would have been your only one.

 

Sorry to read that you are taking the hammering that you are. Just make sure that you have a counselor and a good support group.

 

You did kinda take your baby girl away from your husband. You deprived him of some very precious moments, with you and with her. You took those moments away from him and gave them to your OM and those you can't give him back.

 

From your posts I read that you only have one refuge. You may want to consider moving forward with what you started.

 

May you find peace.

Edited November 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Ever notice how when you screw someone over, "it's complicated," but when someone screws you over, it's not so complicated, the other person just did wrong?

 

It's not that complicated. Your husband did you wrong, BUT and this is a big BUT -- HE NEVER LIED TO YOU ABOUT IT. He is who you married, he didn't lie about working late.

 

You, with full knowledge of how insensitive and uncaring your husband was being, could have honestly told him shape up or ship out - DIRECTLY TOLD HIM, not deceived him and lied to him.

 

It's terrible how he behaved during your pregnancy. What is he, one of those smart guys with no common sense? Still, it was not a departure from his basic personality, unlike you who all of a sudden became Mrs. Deception and Cunning.

 

What disturbs me most about your husband is that after you left him (assuming you told him it was largely due to his shabby treatment of you during pregnancy), he didn't make much of an effort to get you to stay and then even didn't spend the day with his child on the days he had her. What's the point of being married and having kids if you are not going to spend any time with them?

[tiredofitall2]

He's a keeper, blows up his own family for someone he is having video sex with, moves halfway across the country to destroy her family and she defends him to her betrayed husband. Yet she thinks this is still about her. No relationship will work for her until she opens her eyes. She needs to do some serious digging, what happened in her life that made her this way?

 

It's the fog. We all know it. She's been abducted by body snatchers. Cut her some slack, educate her and maybe, only maybe she will see what she did was WRONG!

[Spark1111]

salyssa....I don't hear a heavy emotional investment on either your part OR his...

 

You missed his wit. what else did you miss?

 

You still forgive his workaholism, yet complain he rarely spends time with your daughter on the days he does have her. You still resent his emotional detachment.

 

why did you allow that for so long?

 

You state he comes home and verbally lashes out and harangues you....every day is it?

 

Why do you accept that? is there no joy, sweetness, crying together? gasping at what was almost lost forever?

 

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around why, exactly, did you wish to reconcile?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I'm only frightened of the head to head combat getting in the way to our recovery. ... I don't know how long it takes to heal and I was looking for opinions.

 

Head-to-head combat IS part of the recovery process.

 

How long does it take to heal? Here’s what you can expect from my experience/perspective as a betrayed husband.

 

 

D-day to 6 months: A lot of intense anger. Rage. Frequent heated discussions about the affair. Yelling. Throwing. Swearing. Sleeping in different rooms/homes Constant tension. Every argument will eventually circle back to your affair, lying, and betrayal. Any sexual intimacies shared will involve vivid mind-movies of you and OM. He’ll be in a rage wondering what his little daughter was exposed to. You will be emotionally beaten up from the fallout.

 

6 months to 1 year: Rage subsides but can be triggered at any moment. Your husband will contemplate divorce. Weekly or monthly discussions about the affair. The discussions will be less volatile, but still tense and filled with emotions. Mind-movies during sex will continue. Husband will still be triggered throughout the day every day. Husband will most likely experience depression. This depression will be manifested in irritability and a short fuse. You’ll be walking on eggshells. Husband still won’t trust you. If he can’t reach you for an extended amount of time, he’ll start to question where you are and who you are with. Through MC you’ll see the big picture. The depth of pain that you have caused will start to sink in. You’ll keep saying “get over it” in various ways, and he’ll resent you for saying it. Father’s Day rolls around and your husband flies off in a rage about when you cheated on him when your daughter was born. Your husband might begin to question if he is the biological father of your daughter. Your husband will question if he really knows you. He’ll question if the marriage was genuine or not. He’ll question your motives for marrying him. He’ll question your motives for confessing. He'll question your motives for reconciling.

 

 

1 year to 2 years:

You may or may not be in IC or MC. You’ll both be frustrated that you’re still dealing with this. One or both of you will just give up. The sexual mind-movies will continue. Both of you will realize what the “new normal” looks like. Your husband will still have daily triggers but he’ll be able to deal with them. It still hurts. But the pain is not a raw. You’ll feel that things are getting better only to experience a relapse. You’ll have discussions asking if divorce is the best option. Your husband will wonder if he’ll ever be able to look at you other than a cheater and liar. When adultery is mentioned on the tv or movies you'll share a tense moment of silence. He’ll watch you like a hawk to see if he can trust you. Trust is being rebuilt, but it takes longer than either one of you expected. One slip up by you and the trust bank will be emptied.

 

3 years to 5 years:

If you have made it this far, you have a chance. Your husband will be in the Acceptance stage of your betrayal. The trust has been rebuilt, but it will never be at the pre-affair level. The fights, MC, discussions, lessons learned, and battle scars will work in your favor. You both have proven your commitment to each other. He’ll still trigger from time to time, but you’ll both know how to handle it. He knows you better, and you will know yourself better. The sexual mind-movies start to fade away, but they’ll be there in flickering moments. You’ll still talk about the affair, but it will be more relaxed and at certain times such as anniversary, weddings, friends’ wedding or divorce. Your husband may relapse a few times throughout the year.

 

 

This is a best-case scenario for most couples.

Edited November 12, 2013 by Betrayed&Stayed

[salyssa]

/QUOTE=Spark1111;5333588]salyssa....I don't hear a heavy emotional investment on either your part OR his...

 

You missed his wit. what else did you miss?

 

****His ... Humor. I didn't miss the sexual stuff as it was never exciting. We never had real date nights as he is socially awkward and gets a bit antsy (not complaining, it is just how his brain works - father is the same way). I understood it, so I didn't push it. We did go on one getaway vacation in our 9 years. I enjoyed seeing him playing in the ocean like a child. I missed his family, of course. I guess we just never were really that "let's go do things together!" couple. He worked and I hung out with my friends while he did. But after writing all this, I missed his humor and thought provoking conversation. He shares a lot of my views and this has always been nice.

 

You still forgive his workaholism, yet complain he rarely spends time with your daughter on the days he does have her. You still resent his emotional detachment.

 

****That's my problem. I haven't fully forgiven the workaholic stuff. I really need to. I was working through him not spending time with her on his weekend day, with my therapist. I got too upset about his decisions and I had no control over it. I can't make him want to spend time with her. All I can do is offer to show him how easy she is to watch and things you can do with her. Sure, I'm sad about it but it can't force him to suddenly value family time with his daughter. I brought up this part because others above were making it seem like I was taking her away from him. That is laughable to me. I've only invited him to get to know her.

 

why did you allow that for so long?

 

**** I never won the argument in "spending time" with me. It was naggy to him and I believed I was just being unreasonable - which still could be true. He owns his own business. Self-employed. If I made a request, I felt like I wasn't being a good wife and supporting him. So I stored my feelings away. I should support him.

 

You state he comes home and verbally lashes out and harangues you....every day is it?

 

****It is about 75% of our interaction. He gets upset and starts in with socially acceptable degrading terms for me. That doesn't bother me. It is that it is constant. He just cried earlier and I held him and told him I was sorry for the evil I did. When I see his vulnerable side in sadness, I remind him that I deserve nothing and that whatever good comes of us, in our marriage, is a gift. But the angry side of him is foreign to me, so probably why I am shook up so easily (and others poke fun at). I have known this man to be super stoic - always. Emotion is something I rarely see from him.

 

Why do you accept that? is there no joy, sweetness, crying together? gasping at what was almost lost forever?

 

**** Joy? Not so far. We went to a movie to try "hanging out" and it just feels like there is a wall between us. And not all from him, I'm putting it up too.

 

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around why, exactly, did you wish to reconcile?

 

*** I believe, for my daughter. I was terrified of what I was taking from her. Sure, he might not be around as much as me, but she didn't have to go to two separate homes. I think also, I am still holding onto him changing. That maybe when she is walking and talking, he might want all of us around.

[tiredofitall2]

You're doing the right thing keep fighting for your marriage, if for no one else do it for the little one!

[Raena]

I've been biding my time here, waiting and watching what you have to say about all of this.

 

One thing stands out to me.... the loneliness. I went through that too. A couple of times I might add. Being with a man who is never home and doesn't want to spend time with his child is lonely. I get that. I really do.

 

I even get the closeness that was created between you and the other man via gaming. I also play mmorpg's and the friends I have made on there.... we are all very close and keep in contact even now that we aren't playing the same game together anymore.

 

The difference is... I didn't choose to cheat on either my ex-husband or my most recent ex-boyfriend.

 

Either way... I get the loneliness you felt. I've always said to myself "What is the point in being in a marriage or a relationship if you never spend time with each other?" I don't get it.

 

However... when you realized how lonely you were... why didn't you walk away? You knew he wasn't ever going to change. You know it now too. He is who he is. He isn't going to stop working all the time and suddenly be there for you. If he hasn't already bonded with your child now and doesn't go out of his way to be with her, he might not ever do so.

 

I just don't see this working out very well for either of you. He isn't going to stop being a workaholic so you will still be miserable.

 

It doesn't even sound like you love him...

 

On top of that... I see you as being very defensive. I get that too. I reacted the same way when I first posted on here. The thing is... you will find that most of what people tell you on here is the straight up truth. Even if you don't want to hear it. We don't "know" you, we only know what you share and the responses you are getting are a reaction to that.

[aliveagain]

****That's my problem. I haven't fully forgiven the workaholic stuff. I really nd to. I was working through him not spending time with her on his eeweekend day, with my therapist. I got too upset about his decisions and I had no control over it. I can't make him want to spend time with her. All I can do is offer to show him how easy she is to watch and things you can do with her. Sure, I'm sad about it but it can't force him to suddenly value family time with his daughter. I brought up this part because others above were making it seem like I was taking her away from him. That is laughable to me. I've only invited him to get to know her.

 

 

 

He just cried earlier and I held him and told him I was sorry for the evil I did. When I see his vulnerable side in sadness, I remind him that I deserve nothing and that whatever good comes of us, in our marriage, is a gift. But the angry side of him is foreign to me, so probably why I am shook up so easily (and others poke fun at). I have known this man to be super stoic - always. Emotion is something I rarely see from him.

 

 

We went to a movie to try "hanging out" and it just feels like there is a wall between us. And not all from him, I'm putting it up too.

 

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around why, exactly, did you wish to reconcile?

 

*** I believe, for my daughter. I was terrified of what I was taking from her. Sure, he might not be around as much as me, but she didn't have to go to two separate homes. I think also, I am still holding onto him changing. That maybe when she is walking and talking, he might want all of us around.

 

"Value family time with his daughter", hell, after the birth of my first of two daughters I swore to myself that my daughter would never have to go without the things I went without, even if it killed me, she and my wife wound never go without. I would become the best provider on the planet.

 

When he cries you just hold him and tell him that you love him and that you chose him, that your the broken one and thank him for the chance to make it up to your family.

 

Building walls is common, how else can you be so heartless to the father of your child? Another name is compartmentalization, wife in one box, mother in another, mistress in a third, you never have to accept what you have become and allows you to continue.

 

Have you considered that it is you that needs to change? He went through the same difficult times in the same marriage, you brought the predator into the marriage, you took his child and moved in with O/M. You chose a man that deserted a wife with a young child, and you still defend O/M? I think he may be thinking the same thing, it's about his daughter. I think you need some serious work on you with a professional. You need to know why you feel so much anger to the father of your child to treat him with so little respect.

[atreides]

The issues i have with your story is, how you and so many put other's life examples as the standard before your own that you grew into with your H. How other H's behaved while their wives' were pregnant has nothing to do with your relationship with your H.

 

That comes off as shallow to me, however we cannot ignore how you feel and communication is paramount. It seems like your H is of the "duty" bound mentality, you mentioned the 1950's. This is at the heart of the matter, you really need to work out the workaholic issue and come to a mutual understanding where you wont have resentment.

 

As for his lashing out, it can take a while. There are quite a few stories here where it takes years to fully recover.

 

You confessed and are trying to work it out but at the same time have lingering issues with your H that you need to come to terms with and let him know moving forward. That said, it is going to be very difficult, because from where your H stands, trust and belief of what you say will be very strained.

 

All the best, but looking at what others did as you made comparisons before with other H's behavior towards their wives is not always the best remedy for your own situation.

[underwater2010]

After the separation, I met the OM's family, extended family and friends. I do background screening for a living, so thanks for yet another assumption. You think I haven't spoken with his wife and she agreed that their marriage was already dead (and that she wasn't having an affair herself?)? I sent her an apology and she kindly responded. Also, there is joint custody. I didn't go for full. And on the weekend day that my husband had her, he would give her to his parents so he could work. He never spent a day with her in his weekend day. I thank you for your insight, but there is much you aren't aware of.

 

Another part, before our separation was final, went to a wedding and had a night with a woman. But I don't hold this against him (didn't mention it originally because who the hell am I to be upset about that?!) at all. I believe he is more in line to move forward because of this experience. My offense was worse, so much worse.

 

I agree in full honesty and have executed it. All questions are answered and I never avoided them, even the most painful. I have turned over all accounts and phone access. I deleted all reminders of the past and upon moving in, have ceased contact other than moving electricity/gas/water to the OM's name.

 

 

I understand I look horrible in this and I did do a horrible thing. I'm only frightened of the head to head combat getting in the way to our recovery. I don't fight him when he is upset about the affair or try to defend it. I don't know how long it takes to heal and I was looking for opinions. It seems I met a bunch of dedicated wives and husbands that were on the other side and are still angry themselves. I understand and I'm sorry that I am another offender you see. I don't expect support for such wrongs, just trying to grasp the process and ideas on my feelings. I'm here, at my house, trying to rebuild this. I'm not 100% because of the state of things in both of our ends. Looking for steps to take or not take is why I posted my story.

 

And I thought I stated that I've been in therapy in the first post. Been in therapy for a few months.

I understand I look horrible in this and I did do a horrible thing. I'm only frightened of the head to head combat getting in the way to our recovery. I don't fight him when he is upset about the affair or try to defend it. I don't know how long it takes to heal and I was looking for opinions.

 

And you got them. Most you might not agree with. The head to head combat as you call it....or bouts of venting and anger as we call, note there is no connotation of violence in how it is described by me. Are NORMAL when it is found out that one's spouse committed adultery....even more so when you move in with them and have them raise YOUR child.

 

It seems I met a bunch of dedicated wives and husbands that were on the other side and are still angry themselves.

 

Just because our opinions differ from yours, it does not mean that we are "still angry". It means that we have experience in the advice you are seeking.

 

I understand and I'm sorry that I am another offender you see. I don't expect support for such wrongs, just trying to grasp the process and ideas on my feelings. I'm here, at my house, trying to rebuild this. I'm not 100% because of the state of things in both of our ends. Looking for steps to take or not take is why I posted my story.

 

As a lot of us have said. You have to own it all, minus the drama and painting of your husband in a negative light. Remember....negative begets negative. Allow him to vent and feel his anger....it is his right. Stop with the games....they only provide you with a distraction and obviously you have no boundaries when it comes to them. Screw you credit/good name.....drop everything and anything that has to with your exAP....any contact of any type is damaging to your recovery.

[Try]

I move back in and have been there for the last 1.5 weeks. As my husband puts all the pieces together of the affair, he grows more and more angry. He has explosions of anger at me. I understand and hang my head and take it, but it is starting to wear on me.

Damage has been done, and I learned. BUT I don't want to be treated poorly for much longer, because I ALREADY DID THIS ALL TO MYSELF FOR MONTHS.

Do you mean to tell me that after a whole 1.5 weeks after learning that you secretly had an affair behind his back, moved out, had your secret lover move in, met his family and friends, your husband is has the nerve to be mad at over this? You already were mad at yourself, is that not good enough for him? Does he not understand that it is all about you and what you want?

 

The other man got on the lease of my apartment and is kind enough to relieve me of it and all payments, but I am still on the lease. I wish I had the ability to go there and detox from the negative energy of my house and just "be". It isn't anything more than that. But the husband wouldn't get that.

Do you mean to tell me that your husband would not understand you going to the other man's house to get away from your husband and the "negative energy" that your husband has for your total betrayal of him? Does your husband not understand that the other man is a kind man that he can trust his wife with now that the affair has been over for almost 2 whole weeks?

 

Of course I am being sarcastic.