Are you a Jealous type?

[serial muse]

For me, when I've felt jealousy it has tended to correspond with feeling disrespected. That feeling can come from a place in yourself (maybe feeling a bit below par, or getting a few knocks to your confidence) or it can result from another person genuinely just not treating you with respect.

...

There's just a point at which a person's flirtatiousness with others starts to take on a disrespectful (to their partner) tone - and when people tolerate disrespect, that's as bad (or potentially even worse) than demonstrating some jealousy. It's that old "I know it when I see it" thing.

 

Very true. With that same ex who ended up cheating on me, I often felt somewhat disrespected by the way he interacted with other women - he was a flirtatious guy (and, as it turned out, in dire need of multiple avenues of external validation). But I doubted my instincts there because I'm not really a flirtatious person and I tend to have very strong boundaries in place - he was such an extreme extrovert and I'm fairly introverted. So I chalked it up to differences in interacting with the world and swallowed my anxiety about it. In other words, I blamed myself for being insecure.

 

Yet, although he turned out to be the Bad Guy, it's hard to know what lesson to take forward from that into future relationships, since flirting doesn't necessarily lead to cheating; it's just that, in his case, it did. On LS, people tend to be so black and white about it - either you're 100% OK with flirting and any expressions of discomfort are on the road to Controlsville or you're 100% opposed because it leads to wreck and ruin of a relationship.

 

But I think you're right, Tara - in the end, maybe, what matters is being on the same page about it, or at least being able to have a respectful discussion. The disrespect isn't, perhaps, so much from flirting per se as from being unwilling to listen to your partner's feelings about it so that you can try to find some common ground.

[Taramere]

Yet, although he turned out to be the Bad Guy, it's hard to know what lesson to take forward from that into future relationships,

 

That's the worst - when you've been through something bad, and no matter how much you try you can't find any useful lessons to be learned from it.

 

since flirting doesn't necessarily lead to cheating; it's just that, in his case, it did. On LS, people tend to be so black and white about it - either you're 100% OK with flirting and any expressions of discomfort are on the road to Controlsville or you're 100% opposed because it leads to wreck and ruin of a relationship.

 

Isn't that the truth! The boyfriend I mentioned was very much one of those who presented a free and easy, secure about everything approach. However, after we'd been together for a month or so he revealed to me that he was on anti-depressants and had had a couple of suicide attempts in his past.

 

With hindsight (and maybe I did learn some things from this one after all) I should have bailed then. Not because he had troubles in his past and was on anti-depressants, but because of his presentation as a free and easy guy who had no troubles with jealousy, insecurity or anything like that. That very serious inconsistency shows a lack of integrity in the very literal sense of the word - but I suppose I looked on it as him being a work in progress. Presenting various things he aspired to being in a sort of "fake it until you make it" way.

 

I think being jealousy-free was one of those things, which maybe contributed to some very ****ed up behaviour towards the end of the relationship. It really did feel that he was trying to transfer all his bad stuff onto me.

 

 

But I think you're right, Tara - in the end, maybe, what matters is being on the same page about it, or at least being able to have a respectful discussion. The disrespect isn't, perhaps, so much from flirting per se as from being unwilling to listen to your partner's feelings about it so that you can try to find some common ground.

 

Yes. I mean certainly he listened when I shared my feelings - but then he promptly went and disclosed all the details of that conversation with the girl I had concerns about. Which boils down to the same thing. If a partner is going to do that, then how can you ever trust them with your stuff?

[jphcbpa]

When I first started dating my bf, he wasn't showing ANY jealousy, not even the slightest bit. This made me feel like he was indifferent about me and he wouldn't care if I were with him or someone else.

 

No jealousy at all can give a person the sense of being unimportant

 

I can see this, but perhaps it has more to do with my perception of jealousy?

[Never Again]

When I first started dating my bf, he wasn't showing ANY jealousy, not even the slightest bit. This made me feel like he was indifferent about me and he wouldn't care if I were with him or someone else.

 

No jealousy at all can give a person the sense of being unimportant

 

I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but if you're relying on jealousy alone to determine if someone is indifferent about you...well, your viewfinder may be a little off.

 

I mean, relying on a display of insecurity from your boyfriend to make you, in turn, feel more secure? Shouldn't he be showing his feelings in other ways?

 

I say this as someone who doesn't show any jealousy. I show how my significant other how important they are in other ways - whether it be affection, supporting their interests and goals, etc. There is a difference between being trusting and being indifferent - I imagine actual indifference comes without effort from different avenues.

 

Perhaps my perspective is the one that's warped. I trust because I care, but I am frequently left behind *shrug*

[Imported]

If I feel a girl is purposely inviting other guys to flirt with her, I move on.

 

I can be very jealous. It is not a good feeling. A girl I am with getting hit on by some dude is one thing. Her going along with it is another. Even if it's just to stroke her ego and nothing more. I don't do **** like that, I shut them down. I expect the same.

[SerCay]

I don't mean to sound disrespectful, but if you're relying on jealousy alone to determine if someone is indifferent about you...well, your viewfinder may be a little off.

 

I mean, relying on a display of insecurity from your boyfriend to make you, in turn, feel more secure? Shouldn't he be showing his feelings in other ways?

 

I say this as someone who doesn't show any jealousy. I show how my significant other how important they are in other ways - whether it be affection, supporting their interests and goals, etc. There is a difference between being trusting and being indifferent - I imagine actual indifference comes without effort from different avenues.

 

Perhaps my perspective is the one that's warped. I trust because I care, but I am frequently left behind *shrug*

 

Let's meet halfway lol..I might be insecure and you might be trusting too easily?

 

No but seriously, trusting people like you are not much around tbh, and personally I have lived myself to see that you cannot just go around trusting everyone, cuz people f*ck you over when they notice the childlike trusting without questioning..

[Never Again]

Let's meet halfway lol..I might be insecure and you might be trusting too easily?

 

No but seriously, trusting people like you are not much around tbh, and personally I have lived myself to see that you cannot just go around trusting everyone, cuz people f*ck you over when they notice the childlike trusting without questioning..

 

Meeting halfway is fine haha.

 

I don't trust everyone. It actually takes a lot for me to trust - but once I'm there, I trust implicitly.

 

But I probably get f*cked over pretty often because of it.

[dichotomy]

I am not jealous – I just have very high standards, realtionship boundaries, and love expectations ….

Edited November 12, 2013 by dichotomy

[mea_M]

Not at all. I use to be when I did not love myself. Self love threw jealousy out the window.

 

Mea:)

[jphcbpa]

I am not jealous – I just have very high standards, realtionship boundaries, and love expectations ….

 

tell me more about this...

[jphcbpa]

Not at all. I use to be when I did not love myself. Self love threw jealousy out the window.

 

Mea:)

 

how and why did you make a change?

[melodymatters]

I am not insecure, I know I am one of a kind and have had people fall in love with me and never stop.

 

BUT, I am 100% Sicilian Italian and I DO not put up with disrespect. Flirting with others, accepting inappropriate FB messages = disrespect.

 

I let any guy know RIGHT AWAY that I am jealous, it's part of the package, take it or leave it.

 

My husband of over two years has given me no reason to think that he would ever cheat on me, we are sickeningly, madly in love. Yet, once in a while I feel the need to tell him " If I ever catch you cheating on me I will kill you in your sleep" and mean it.

 

Last time, and we were cuddling on the couch being all lovey dovey when I said it, his reply was " Good, because I would be totally insane and better off dead if I ever f*cked up something this amazing"

 

So, guess it takes all types...as long as you both are on the same page...

[mea_M]

how and why did you make a change?

 

How? Well I realized that all I need I have inside of me. And that what other people think of me really in the grand scheme of things, does not matter. What's more important is how I view myself. Why? So that I could love and be loved in a true sense. If you don't love yourself how can you truly love others or expect others to love you? I thought about that.

 

Mea :-)

[SerCay]

I DO not put up with disrespect. Flirting with others, accepting inappropriate FB messages = disrespect.

 

I TOTALLY agree with this, I'm not a jealous person but I cant stand disrespect...and unfortunately being upset over disrespect is seen as jealousy most of the time

[jphcbpa]

How? Well I realized that all I need I have inside of me. And that what other people think of me really in the grand scheme of things, does not matter. What's more important is how I view myself. Why? So that I could love and be loved in a true sense. If you don't love yourself how can you truly love others or expect others to love you? I thought about that.

 

Mea :-)

 

thanks for sharing...

were you in a R and something happened? or was this discovered while single and working on yourself?

[jphcbpa]

I can see this, but perhaps it has more to do with my perception of jealousy?

 

"We don't see things are they are, we see them as we are." - Anais Nin

[SerCay]

"We don't see things are they are, we see them as we are." - Anais Nin

 

But I do disagree though...in context of the jealousy and disrespect thing.

When I first started dating my bf I was super trusting, I am a confident person so I didnt care if he spoke to a female friend for example.

 

I never checked his ohone or felt the need to do any of those, up until the time I found out that all along while I was so relaxed and cool and trusting, he had cheated on me, and was in contact with girls from his past...

 

only THEN I started paying attention..so it really had nothing to do with who I am.

 

Or wait...maybe because I went back to him after he cheated says a lot about me though...but you know what I mean right?

 

Sometimes it's the circumstances..

[jphcbpa]

But I do disagree though...in context of the jealousy and disrespect thing.

When I first started dating my bf I was super trusting, I am a confident person so I didnt care if he spoke to a female friend for example.

 

I never checked his ohone or felt the need to do any of those, up until the time I found out that all along while I was so relaxed and cool and trusting, he had cheated on me, and was in contact with girls from his past...

 

only THEN I started paying attention..so it really had nothing to do with who I am.

 

Or wait...maybe because I went back to him after he cheated says a lot about me though...but you know what I mean right?

 

Sometimes it's the circumstances..

 

good for you for seeing that about yourself

 

how did you find out he cheated?

[mea_M]

thanks for sharing...

were you in a R and something happened? or was this discovered while single and working on yourself?

 

Both and it was over years that I learned this. Self love squashes jealousy like a bug.

 

Mea :-)

[Elliotte]

I definitely have a few jealous boundaries that have come up in rare instances with my wife, in past relationships I have been worse, but I feel like I've grown a lot more confident and perceptive with age.

 

I will admit, I am never completely comfortable if the woman I am with spends time with another man in a one on one situation. In my experience, that usually counts as a date (unless they are related or something). I try to be understanding that the women I have been with are capable of calling that a platonic situation, but on the flip side I know none of them would have been comfortable with me meeting up with a woman. One time in particular my wife was in her home town, saw a childhood guy-friend and grabbed coffee with him, then afterwards told me "oh yeah he used to have feelings for me but I didn't for him, and he has a girlfriend now so it's ok!" I was not happy to learn that at all.

[emva07]

I am not

 

BUT

 

I was with a guy who cheated on me and I stayed with him....after that I became super jealous. He is an ex now.

 

With guys after him, I have not been jealous.

 

He was not jealous either, he used to say that if I ever cheated he'd be able to tell in other ways, that being jealous was not necessary.

 

I wonder if he said so because he himself was a cheater? Hmmm.

[HomanWater]

I don't tolerate jealousy games nonsense. The moment I sense it, a girl's out. She could look like Claudia Schiffer or whoever, doesn't matter. Next please.

[Shepp]

I couldn't be with someone who was jealous...I'm a very loyal guy and if anyone doubted that in me then that would p!ss me off majorly!!!

 

Im not a jealous guy...Im protective of the people I love but not jealous.

 

I don't believe in being jealous, your as capable of getting something as anyone else if you put some effort into it rather than wasting all your effort on being jealous. I see jealous guys drive girls away all the time.

 

Its probably the one element of my character that I don't share with my granddad! He was dead jealous when him and my nan were young.

I think my girlfriend probably helped shape me in that regard - I loved her for a really long time before we got it together. I really loved her but she wasn't in the best of places, a lot of one night stands with a lot of random guys - which hurt a bit and I think people expected me to be jealous, but I wasn't jealous of them, I would trade being them and spending one night with her in party mode, wasted. For what I had - cause I had her in my life everyday, and cause she loved me back in her own way.

 

I expect a high level of loyalty of everyone but im not a jealous guy.

[SerCay]

I couldn't be with someone who was jealous...I'm a very loyal guy and if anyone doubted that in me then that would p!ss me off majorly!!!

 

Im not a jealous guy...Im protective of the people I love but not jealous.

 

I don't believe in being jealous, your as capable of getting something as anyone else if you put some effort into it rather than wasting all your effort on being jealous. I see jealous guys drive girls away all the time.

 

Its probably the one element of my character that I don't share with my granddad! He was dead jealous when him and my nan were young.

I think my girlfriend probably helped shape me in that regard - I loved her for a really long time before we got it together. I really loved her but she wasn't in the best of places, a lot of one night stands with a lot of random guys - which hurt a bit and I think people expected me to be jealous, but I wasn't jealous of them, I would trade being them and spending one night with her in party mode, wasted. For what I had - cause I had her in my life everyday, and cause she loved me back in her own way.

 

I expect a high level of loyalty of everyone but im not a jealous guy.

 

and with loyalty...comes RESPECT