lovelylilly Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 So I did a stupid thing. Everyone has total right to judge me and tell me how stupid I am cause I deserve it. The past five years I dated a great guy whom I fell madly in love with. We were on and off because we were long distance-I moved to two different countries, but every time I came home we would just get right back in the grove and everything was fine. Our fights were always over not having enough time for each other and nothing else. I moved back home for good in March, and things were great until May when he told me the same thing he always does—he “didn’t see himself with me”. I am the only girl he’s been with for longer than two months, so I think this has something to do with why he wants to see what else is out there. During our breaks we did stay friends, and I encouraged him to date other girls but he never did. I wish he had so maybe now he’d be over this little spell. Well, after our last break up (I broke up with him) I forced myself into the dating game and met this really great guy ( http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/425288-out-no-where ). I’ve slowly come to realize he was a rebound (go figure), but I actually really liked this new guy. However, the new guy didn’t work out and (SO PREDICTABLE) my ex for five years contacted me a month after my last breakup. The ex for five years lives three hours away, and he owns his own contracting business with his brother, so he’s always driving around. We used to fight every now and then because he was always driving somewhere and we could never make plans. He took a weekend off and spent it with me “to try to cheer me up”. We talked and I made it clear nothing was going to happen—I consider this guy one of my best friends because we’ve known each other for so long. That weekend we talked about working on our friendship, and I made it clear that I was hurt and confused, so it was best we stayed friends for now. Well, a couple of days ago (three weeks later) he came to visit me again and this time he tried to make a move on me. After I refused to kiss him, we had a long talk. He said he’s confused and doesn’t know what he wants (I think it has something to do with he hasn’t really been in another serious relationship and his job keeps him so busy). And then he said he doesn’t want to get involved with me because I’m stuck on someone else. He said after seeing me fall in love with a new guy, he wants to do that too (but with a girl hahah). Now I’m hurt and confused because I always thought in the back of my mind that this guy and I would eventually end up together one day once we’ve gotten all of our issues figured out. BUT he was the one who made a move on me after I told him I wanted just a friendship right now…Is it possible that he’s just familiar with me and that’s why he wants me around? I’m such an emotional wreck right now, and I decided before all this happened that I’m staying single for a while (believe me!). However, I don’t want to lose this guy as a friend, but I feel like we need to take another break from each other because he makes being friends so hard. I enjoy his company, but I end up getting hurt because he sends me mixed signals all the time. Is it possible to be friends with an ex that you have so much history with? And do you think he just keeps me around because he loves me and wants a friendship, or just because he wants me as a backup method? He’s never even tried to get another girlfriend, and that makes me a little frustrated. He told me he won’t try to make a move on me again, but he’s said that before. He told me this time he really means it, and he promised that we can be friends, but since he tried to kiss me I have felt so hurt and confused and I just want to scream at the world. Why can’t I just be happy?! I’ve done nothing wrong to anyone, and I like to think of myself as an amazing, drama-free girlfriend, but I keep getting dumped. Maybe I should start acting like a super bitch??? I see all these guys with these horrible girls, and even though they complain so much about them, they still stay with them!
xUnknown Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Is it possible to be friends with an ex that you have so much history with? If there was love involved....no - at least not at first. Keeping this guy around isn't best for either of you two. You're giving him mixed signals by keeping him on a leash so to speak and keeping him around as a friend. He is giving you mixed signals, because he doesn't know how to react to them. I don't blame the guy, I know I would do the same thing if my ex wanted to remain "just friends"...wait, she did, but I told her I couldn't do that. Its just not healthy to remain friends after a romantic relationship. You're not helping yourself get over him by keeping him around. Keeping him as a friend is just selfish. I don't mean to sound bitter, but this is what my ex tried with me..and it still hurts to think of her being that selfish with me - someone who loves and cares for her deeply...and she wants to be "just friends". No, screw that. You can't do that until you're entirely over the person. 1
Author lovelylilly Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 I don't blame the guy, I know I would do the same thing if my ex wanted to remain "just friends"... I don't think you sound bitter, it is too hard being friends with an ex. But maybe I wasn't clear enough when I ranted on--he broke up with me twice and I broke up with him once. Each time we'd go immediately no contact and he was always the one to break no contact. He's the one who'd want to just be friends, and then later on he'd ask to try again. And now he's still the one saying he just wants to stay friends because he's confused. Same thing over and over.
Author lovelylilly Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 Sorry, I am bumping this up cause I really need advice on this.
xUnknown Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I don't think you sound bitter, it is too hard being friends with an ex. But maybe I wasn't clear enough when I ranted on--he broke up with me twice and I broke up with him once. Each time we'd go immediately no contact and he was always the one to break no contact. He's the one who'd want to just be friends, and then later on he'd ask to try again. And now he's still the one saying he just wants to stay friends because he's confused. Same thing over and over. I think he is saying he wants to be friends because YOU want to be friends. He is afraid to lose you. I may have gotten the story confused, but I think my post above still applies. You two can't be friends, at least right now. You can't keep him around because you see him in the future...that's not fair to him for you to keep him on the hook. He doesn't want to be friends, ie why he made the move. He is saying he does because he doesn't want to lose you. Whats stopping you from being together now? Why exactly don't you want to be with him now? You mentioned that you want to remain single for a while, but yeah, down the road you can see yourself with him - which is why you remain friends. I get that. Like I said, my ex said the same thing. But I can't just be friends with someone who I loved/love still...It isn't fair to me to be waiting around for her to come around, for when she is ready. Its essentially the same situation. Perhaps I got this story all mixed up haha, I apologize, its early and I didn't get much sleep last night (4hrs). But I think the point is the same. Whatever the case is, it isn't fair to remain friends...the other person can't wait around for the other to come around. By you and him being friends, that hope on his end is still there. 1
aybc123 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 1) Its not really fair on yourself or the guy to have in the back of your mind that you want to end up with him but just not right now. Either actually address and resolve what issues are stopping you from being together and sail off into the sunset with each other or let each other go for good. Youve broken up too many times now to be messing around waiting for time to fix things. 2) No you cant be friends with an ex, not without it blowing up in your face and someone getting hurt even more, whether its one of you or someone one of you is in a relationship with, its going to cause hurt and problems being friends, especially close friends, with an ex who you still have feelings for and haven't yet been able to 'disconnect' from. If you had no romantic feelings for each other then being friends is totally fine and i like keeping in contact with exes sporadically but doing so before youre both fully moved on is a recipe for disaster. 3) He's acting like he is imo because he wants to be with you, he wants love in general so would be open to finding someone else but you're first pick. That's why he made a move not just because he's horny or its convenient (why do girls always think this??? i promise you that guys dont always think with their dick, still usually not their brain, most of the time its with their heart). This is also why he's just sort of hanging around not looking for anything else but pretending he's fine being friends, he doesnt want to seem clingy or incapable of moving on but you just want to be friends and so he's mirroring your interest level. Another reason he isnt looking actively for something else or seems heart broken is that emotionally he probably doesnt realise/feel that you've broken up, if you're still best friends and he knows that he is still the most important person in the world to you then he can probably live with that. Our brains are like an empty room with windows, when almost everyone comes to visit they're outside the room and we're still alone, when you fall in love with someone you let them into that room and if you breakup with them but dont leave the room then quite often it's possible to feel more or less ok because you're still not alone. If you cut him out of your life he would definitely begin actively dating because he'd suddenly be like 'oh **** i really have been dumped' 2
xUnknown Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 1) Its not really fair on yourself or the guy to have in the back of your mind that you want to end up with him but just not right now. Either actually address and resolve what issues are stopping you from being together and sail off into the sunset with each other or let each other go for good. Youve broken up too many times now to be messing around waiting for time to fix things. 2) No you cant be friends with an ex, not without it blowing up in your face and someone getting hurt even more, whether its one of you or someone one of you is in a relationship with, its going to cause hurt and problems being friends, especially close friends, with an ex who you still have feelings for and haven't yet been able to 'disconnect' from. If you had no romantic feelings for each other then being friends is totally fine and i like keeping in contact with exes sporadically but doing so before youre both fully moved on is a recipe for disaster. 3) He's acting like he is imo because he wants to be with you, he wants love in general so would be open to finding someone else but you're first pick. That's why he made a move not just because he's horny or its convenient (why do girls always think this??? i promise you that guys dont always think with their dick, still usually not their brain, most of the time its with their heart). This is also why he's just sort of hanging around not looking for anything else but pretending he's fine being friends, he doesnt want to seem clingy or incapable of moving on but you just want to be friends and so he's mirroring your interest level. Another reason he isnt looking actively for something else or seems heart broken is that emotionally he probably doesnt realise/feel that you've broken up, if you're still best friends and he knows that he is still the most important person in the world to you then he can probably live with that. Our brains are like an empty room with windows, when almost everyone comes to visit they're outside the room and we're still alone, when you fall in love with someone you let them into that room and if you breakup with them but dont leave the room then quite often it's possible to feel more or less ok because you're still not alone. If you cut him out of your life he would definitely begin actively dating because he'd suddenly be like 'oh **** i really have been dumped' ^^^ Yes, This. That's what I'm tryin to get at lol
Canadiangirl78 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I have often asked myself that question too. Should I become more of a bitch? I am easy going, kind, have a great sense of humour, hate typical girl drama and am not clingy at all, encourage my boyfriends to go out and have fun with me and alone with their friends and I am not a nag in the least. I see men all the time, like you said, that stay with women that are completely nuts. I don't get it and I want to give up because i have no idea what men want anymore.. 3
xUnknown Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I want to give up because i have no idea what men want anymore.. That's the exact reason why you shouldn't give up. Stay positive! 2
yorkie Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 dont change for anyone unless its to better yourself! be true to who your are unless you really dont like yourself! lol 1
Canadiangirl78 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I also have to add that I know from experience, that being friends with an ex is extremely difficult. One person or both are usually staying friends because they hope something more will come of it. In my situation I found that when I was comfortable just being friends, he was feeling hope for more, then those feelings would pass for him and I would start feeling the hope for more. It just seemed like the hope never came for us at the same time. One or both always end up hurting in the end because when you realize you can't just be friends, it is like breaking up all over again and you start from square one with your feelings. This happened to me recently and I'm slowly starting to heal again. My advice..it can't work, not now anyway. Give yourself some real alone time to figure out what you're feeling without him in the picture, it's the only way 2
Author lovelylilly Posted November 11, 2013 Author Posted November 11, 2013 We broke up twice while I was overseas, I would come home and we would fight because he was too busy driving around the state and couldn't spend much time with me. He broke up with me twice, and each time we would go no contact and he'd always break it (after a couple of months) and then we'd just talk like nothing happened, he'd make a move and we'd get back together. This last time I broke up with him because I could tell the same thing was going to happen and we went four months without talking. When my last ex broke up with me, the guy from five years called me and he's the one who made a move...afterwards he tells me nothing can happen between us. I think maybe it's because I'm so hung up on the new guy, or maybe he just really can't see a future with me, but my question is what is going on here? Is it possible to really be so unsure? We've gone through rough break ups and periods of no talking so we know what life is like with out each other. I'm just sad because I really didn't want to lose him, and I went into a new relationship trying to forget about him, but I can't. He always comes back and pulls this off. All my friends have a "will they won't they" attitude about it and I really can't talk to them because they're biased. They don't like him because they've seen me cry because of him so much. I love his company, I don't want to lose him again, but it's not fair that he keeps coming into my life and leaving. This is the only time I've asked to be friends--I am so confused over him and the other guy that I don't think it's fair to anyone. But why would he keep coming back to only push himself away again? Gosh, this doesn't even make sense...
Canadiangirl78 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Aww honey, I know exactly how you're feeling. The one thing that struck me was the part where you said you just go on as if nothing ever happened..that is exactly what my ex and I do. We don't talk about anything that has gone on between us. I have thought a lot about why that is and I think I have concluded that we can't talk about things because if we do talk about what was right and more importantly what was wrong between us, it wouldn't allow us to live in the fantasy world that is us when we come back together. By not talking about any of it, we aren't dealing with any of it and if we aren't dealing with it, it's not happening. I feel your pain, I know your pain and it's tough. It's tough when you love someone down to the core of your being but know it cannot work for whatever reason..I mean what the hell is someone supposed to do with that? I don't know about your ex and you but I know for my situation it can be absolute torture. I wish I had an answer to give you, but honestly I am struggling through this like you are. 1
aybc123 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 We broke up twice while I was overseas, I would come home and we would fight because he was too busy driving around the state and couldn't spend much time with me. He broke up with me twice, and each time we would go no contact and he'd always break it (after a couple of months) and then we'd just talk like nothing happened, he'd make a move and we'd get back together. This last time I broke up with him because I could tell the same thing was going to happen and we went four months without talking. When my last ex broke up with me, the guy from five years called me and he's the one who made a move...afterwards he tells me nothing can happen between us. I think maybe it's because I'm so hung up on the new guy, or maybe he just really can't see a future with me, but my question is what is going on here? Is it possible to really be so unsure? We've gone through rough break ups and periods of no talking so we know what life is like with out each other. I'm just sad because I really didn't want to lose him, and I went into a new relationship trying to forget about him, but I can't. He always comes back and pulls this off. All my friends have a "will they won't they" attitude about it and I really can't talk to them because they're biased. They don't like him because they've seen me cry because of him so much. I love his company, I don't want to lose him again, but it's not fair that he keeps coming into my life and leaving. This is the only time I've asked to be friends--I am so confused over him and the other guy that I don't think it's fair to anyone. But why would he keep coming back to only push himself away again? Gosh, this doesn't even make sense... Probably pushes himself away again because he can sense you're not over the first guy, noone wants to be second choice and it probably hurt his pride. Honestly guys are really easy to understand and read so im not sure where you both are coming from. It's women that are confusing..
Author lovelylilly Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 Perhaps I got this story all mixed up haha, I apologize, its early and I didn't get much sleep last night (4hrs). But I think the point is the same. Whatever the case is, it isn't fair to remain friends...the other person can't wait around for the other to come around. By you and him being friends, that hope on his end is still there. I didn’t get much sleep either, so I’m now realizing I did not make things clear….I think I need to keep moving on from him, but it’s so hard when he keeps coming back into my life. HE is the one who broke up with ME. Three times he has said he didn’t see a future with me in it, and each time I would go no contact and HE’S the one who would contact me and make a move only to break up with me again. I broke up with him last time because he was showing the same signs as he did the last two break ups (refusing to come see me, taking a long time to return texts or calls, snapping at me for no reason…etc…). I felt like he was about to do it, so I kind of “beat him to the punch”. 1) Either actually address and resolve what issues are stopping you from being together and sail off into the sunset with each other or let each other go for good. Youve broken up too many times now to be messing around waiting for time to fix things. I’ve tried to address these problems after he told me three days ago he didn’t want to date me again. I was a little shocked and hurt because he had made a move on me previously and I refused it. Then we never talked about it again. Once again, HE came to see me without me asking and then he springs this on me when he knows I’m hurting. If he wanted to be with me, why is he pushing me away? Like I said before, I am his first long term girl friend. Could it be GIGS? I’ve encouraged him many times to date other girls, and after each break up we’ve gone a couple months no contact. I never initiate contact, ever. He claims he doesn’t know what he wants, and he’s so sensitive about his job (he and his brother started their own business and it’s a bit rocky and stressful for him at the moment). On top of that he’s also taken three years to finish his master’s. I know he stresses about that, and I would too to be honest . Does he still want me? Honestly? I feel like he’s pushing me away because he’s scared, and I don’t know how to reach out to him.
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