Guess What My Stupid Arse Did [update]

[Tarleton82]

What really does looking weak to her matter now though? She's gone forever, what would it matter

[cavalier99]

Yes she is gone forever. Dont break NC any more. You definitly shouldnt care what she thinks but it just damages you doing this. Let this be the final nail in the coffin.

 

Just give up ALL hope and you can start to heal. I know it hurts. But youll get used to the pain then it will start to lift. You got like 7 more months to go with pure NC based on my experience!!! Woo Hooo. Sometimes i even miss the pain. It brought such clarity! Cav

[what_a_blonde]

I broke no contact. This is my ex-fiancee of five years who ran off with my friend and treated me coldly throughout the entire breakup.

 

And I caved in and sent her a "christmas is going to suck without you this year, i miss you so much" text.

 

Let the slandering begin. I deserve it. What an idiot I am.

 

 

You're not an idiot. Sometimes you have to break NC even if you know they are not going to respond, just to make you feel better that its been put out there.

 

I hope it made you at least feel a little better to get that off your chest and send it to her? Either way, with the holidays coming up try not to dwell on the "loss" of her. Try to make this an opportunity to rekindle anything you may have been pushing aside because you've spent the past 5 years with her.

 

You are grieving, and having every right to, but there is no reason you should continue to be in constant pain when she and your ex buddy are obviously feeling no remorse for this. Or at least not showing any.

 

In order to heal you have to want to do so. I'm not saying you don't want to, however there are certain things you have to slowly let go and believe me when I (and many other people) say that deciding to delete the from social media, delete their phone numbers, and decide not to contact them (if at all possible) is the one of the BEST ways to start that.

 

You deserve happiness so don't beat yourself up for sending one text telling her how you feel.. just to get it off your chest. However, don't let one text turn into 50 stalker/creeper texts.

[Tarleton82]

Well, about three weeks ago, she had contacted me sending me this VERY misleading text (I had posted about it a couple weeks ago here and everyone on this site was very stunned and angered by her coldness that I described that night). The text was out of the blue, and it had been two months since i'd heard from her at all. It read, "hey...do you want to meet up for drinks and talk about a few things?"

 

I mean, anyone, ANYONE would immediately think, "oh wow, they want to get back together."

 

Anyway, make a long story short, she didn't, she basically rubbed it in my face (dressed extremely provactively) and it came out that this guy who was someone who was a mutual friend for two years she was now "seeing" (and we all know what that little euphemism means.)

 

So, that night, I sent her about five texts begging. Asking her to remember our history, how we met, sharing with her a few memories that we used to share together and laugh about during our relationship. It just was like a scab had been ripped open.

 

And, despite her coldness (and I STILL can't understand why and I'm sorry but I can't help not wanting to at least know on a psychological level why a woman would do this after SHE was the one who did the breaking up) I still can't bring myself to fully hate her. I can't bring myself to fully be angry towards her. I feel nothing but sadness, and betrayal, and depression. She took my soul.

[Simon Phoenix]

What really does looking weak to her matter now though? She's gone forever, what would it matter

 

What does being weak do for you though? Don't worry about how it looks to her -- just look at it as keeping your own self-respect and dignity. No one wants to be that clingy, obsessive guy so do whatever you need to do to not be that guy. No one likes that guy. He sucks. Refuse to be a guy that sucks.

[Tarleton82]

Of course I'm not that guy if I'm dating someone or especially if I'm beginning to date someone for the first time. HOwever, when you're engaged to someone, spend five years with them, I wouldn't think expressing your grief and missing this person who you thought was your true love could be perceived as clingy or obsessive.

 

But, that's not the point, I guess. Fact is it does no good to contact her. I just still can't get over the shock. Even after these few months.

[Simon Phoenix]

Of course I'm not that guy if I'm dating someone or especially if I'm beginning to date someone for the first time. HOwever, when you're engaged to someone, spend five years with them, I wouldn't think expressing your grief and missing this person who you thought was your true love could be perceived as clingy or obsessive.

 

But, that's not the point, I guess. Fact is it does no good to contact her. I just still can't get over the shock. Even after these few months.

 

Unfortunately it is. She cheated on you and rubbed in it your face. Continuing to contact her doesn't make you look good to anyone. She sucks -- don't bring yourself down to her level. Rise above.

[Tarleton82]

You know what really, really sucks and what I can't figure out...does anyone miss and I mean MISS, like CRAVE like a damn drug the sex you had with your ex? As much as I HATE to admit it...

 

is that because its no longer within our reach and they only seem more attractive to us now?

[Tarleton82]

I mean, even during the relationship I was stunned by her beauty and not a day went by when I didn't tell her that. I always told her and was always very attracted to her. I don't know. I really wish I could HATE her.

[mtnbiker3000]

My ex was hot as shyte too. But I know no matter how attracted to her I may have been, it wasn't meant to be. It takes more than one person to hold together a RS, and if she wasn't willing to do her part, than screw her. Find someone who is!!!

[Simon Phoenix]

You know what really, really sucks and what I can't figure out...does anyone miss and I mean MISS, like CRAVE like a damn drug the sex you had with your ex? As much as I HATE to admit it...

 

is that because its no longer within our reach and they only seem more attractive to us now?

 

That's pretty normal. The relationship that brought me here was much, much shorter than yours and I had those thoughts.

[Tarleton82]

Glad to know that's normal. I know it sounds superficial but I feel like I don't want to not have that again with someone.

[xUnknown]

.I WANT to hate her so bad. I WANT to have contempt for her, as horrible as she was to me during that breakup. But I can't. And its not hard for me to have contempt for people who cross me. That's how much I loved this person. I simply can't. You know what? I hate myself for not being able to. I hate myself for allowing this person to have this much control over my emotions. I want to hate her so bad, but I can't.

 

Maybe that's why I still cling to this false hope that she'll come back some day. Because she meant that much to me.

 

Wish in one hand...

 

I hear ya brotha... I'm with you on everything. That one person you put so much time and effort into, took a dump on your heart...you want to hate them for that, even if its to make things easier. But thats now how guys like us are.

[mtnbiker3000]

All very normal feelings. Know that you're OK and you will make it through this. And you will want these feelings again. Just takes time and can't be rushed.

[xUnknown]

You know what really, really sucks and what I can't figure out...does anyone miss and I mean MISS, like CRAVE like a damn drug the sex you had with your ex? As much as I HATE to admit it...

 

is that because its no longer within our reach and they only seem more attractive to us now?

 

I asked my therapist about this. Because my ex and i started out so physical (summer fling that lead into a 2yr), I keep thinking about sex with her because that is how I first connected with her. The physicality of everything clouded my judgement and thus caused the "honeymoon" period. I keep thinking about it too, because that was when everything seemed perfect between us...because it would bring us back to that first moment. Sex/making love was when we were the closest with eachother, and I missed that feeling and longed for it.

[Tarleton82]

Well, I wouldn't say that was the only way we connected or were closest. We were best friends. We had each other's backs. We were like an unstoppable team. The sex was AMAZING, to be sure, and yes that is how we first met, but instead of leaving right after or rolling over we'd talk well into the night, and both of us were pretty experienced and had had other relationships and partners before each other, so it wasn't as if we were blindsided by that.

 

I guess it doesn't matter. She's not here anymore, and is giving all of that to someone else. I just want to hate her. It would make things so much easier.

[xUnknown]

Well, I wouldn't say that was the only way we connected or were closest. We were best friends. We had each other's backs. We were like an unstoppable team. The sex was AMAZING, to be sure, and yes that is how we first met, but instead of leaving right after or rolling over we'd talk well into the night, and both of us were pretty experienced and had had other relationships and partners before each other, so it wasn't as if we were blindsided by that.

 

I guess it doesn't matter. She's not here anymore, and is giving all of that to someone else. I just want to hate her. It would make things so much easier.

 

I know man...I hear ya. I wouldnt say that was the only way we were connected or closest at all either...I was just saying, when we hit our rough patch and things were "off" this summer, those moments were when we were closest.

 

We ended things on "good terms". No yelling, fighting, begging. A casual conversation and when she said "do our own thing and then see where we're at in 6mo" I agreed, with the exception of the 6 months part. If it was a ****ty breakup with yelling and name calling...then yeah, hating her would make things so much easier. But it as a "good" break-up...I think thats what makes it so much harder.

[xUnknown]

It sounds like you are torturing yourself trying to figure out why she did this, how she could do this and how it all happened without you having the slightest clue it was coming. The thing is, when someone shows you who they truly are, you have to believe them.. It is not an easy thing to accept but the situation is what it is. The fact is, you are never going to figure out the answers to any of your questions. Sometimes in life people meet, fall in love and totally intend to be with that person the rest of their life. Sometimes though, people have that intention and then realize it isn't what they want and cannot move forward. That can happen for many different reasons and in your case she decided she wanted this other person. If she blindsided you, that was wrong of her to do, but it doesn't change the fact her heart felt stronger about someone else. That decision has nothing to do with you being a bad person or creating it, sometimes it just happens. Now, what is done is done. You have to stop torturing yourself trying to figure it all out and work on you. You love her so beating yourself up for not hating her is not helping you one bit. In time your feelings will evolve. You cannot expect your feelings to change overnight nor should they, after all you are only human right. You have been through something very traumatic and it is going to take time to get through it all and sort through your feelings. Take it one minute at a time..literally. It's all you can do right now. Post here 50 times a day if you need to. The people here are absolutely amazing and will be here for you whenever you need. Just take your time and don't try to rush your feelings, or think you should be feeling something you're not. This is a process, and it is a painful one. I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself because if you don't, nobody else will..

 

 

Thank you for the words of advice =) Sometimes you need to hear things over and over and over again just to help. Thanks for that.

[Tarleton82]

You had a good breakup? I can't decide if that would be harder. We had a HORRIBLE one. She was CRUEL. I couldn't figure it out. You would think I COULD hate her easily. I want to. Maybe I'll learn.

[Haydn]

I guess a lot of dumpees think if they are cruel it will make it easier for you and them. I am with you and feel with on everything you are going through. But she is not the be all and end all mate. You have to take the advice of NC. Its really hard but if you keep contacting her, she will see you as not the man she used to know. Take her down from that throne! No reason to hate her just be indifferent. Delete her number as well. Keep going.

 

 

You had a good breakup? I can't decide if that would be harder. We had a HORRIBLE one. She was CRUEL. I couldn't figure it out. You would think I COULD hate her easily. I want to. Maybe I'll learn.

[xUnknown]

You had a good breakup? I can't decide if that would be harder. We had a HORRIBLE one. She was CRUEL. I couldn't figure it out. You would think I COULD hate her easily. I want to. Maybe I'll learn.

 

Yeah...The worst part of the ordeal was the "break". I broke down and got real emotional then. 2 weeks later for the official BU, I was calm, collected, no tears, nothing - I agreed to the breakup as well. It takes 2 people to get into a relationship and one to get out..I knew I wasn't going to convince her to stay, her mind was made up. She asked to be friends, I denied and said it wouldn't be a good idea. She also texted a friend a friend when he asked to hang out with a group of friends "..I don't know how would feel about that" and "We left things on good terms and I wouldn't want to betray him...because I would want to try in the future, ya know?"

 

So I don't know. I kknow she texted him that so that it would get to me, but did she mean it - I don't know.

 

I feel its so much easier to go through a break-up knowing things were left on bad terms...that's the one thing I hate about my breakup (at least right now). We didn't leave it on Bad terms, open for the future...but is that the false hope she left me so she wouldn't hurt me more...I don't know.

[cavalier99]

It doesnt matter if things were left on good terms or bad terms. Neither is easier.

 

The key point is to regain your self respect and self esteem and burn her our of you mind. Eradiacte he like a cancer. She doent exist. Mourn the loss but dont dwell on it for more than little.

 

Move forward and catch your self every time you think about her and stop. Eliminate her from your thoughs. She is forever gone. whether this is true or not ...it is the attitude you need to get over it. And this includes NEVER contacting her or responding to her. Cav

[Janni]

I just...I don't understand it!! She wasn't like this. How could she do this and turn on me and be so mean and rub it in my face? I didn't do anything to her! Breaking up with me is one thing, but running into the arms of someone who was a mutual close friend of ours for a couple years AND to top it off being nasty and mean to me about it...??? WHY would someone do this???

 

Didn't read all the replies. Just wanted to let you know, my ex did the same thing. He dumped me. Begged me to take him back, then cheated on me and left me for her when I found out. I went NC. He then started blaming me for his financial issues, saying I owe him money. I have now blocked him everywhere I can think of. But I dont see this being the end of it.

 

You are not alone with this confusion. It's unbelievable that someone you loved for so many years (we were together 6 years) can suddenly turn and act so mean and out of character.