Why are people not satisfied as OM/OW?

[KathyM]

 

Inevitably, they start talking about destroying the marriage, usually under the guise of "I need to tell the BS because she has the right to know" or some other self-serving dribble.

If their intent is to destroy the marriage, and they inform the BS as a way to push their MP off the fence, then of course telling is self serving. They aren't telling because they've had a sudden stroke of conscience. They are telling in order to end the marriage. If they did have a stroke of conscience and informed the BS of the affair because she has a right to know, obviously that is not self serving, as their intent is to now come clean and be honest. Of course, any disclosure of the affair to the BS is still the right thing to do regardless of motive, because it gives her the honest reality of her life. To keep screwing her husband and keeping the BS in the dark is the most self serving.

I'm an OM. My MW is, well, married, and I expect her to stay married for many years in the future. Right now, I have a lot of fun with her. I am having the most engaging, satisfying, electrifying sex of my life, and I consider her to be a very good friend. Why would I want to mess that up by screwing around with her marriage?

You already are screwing around with her marriage. You are putting it at serious risk of divorce by engaging in an affair with her. You are also interfering with the emotional/physical bond she has with her husband.

I'm otherwise single, so if she wanted to leave then sure, but I'm in no rush. She has sex with her husband, it doesn't bother me. I'm not wracked by images of them having relations. The reason it doesn't bother me is because, well, she is married, and I kinda knew that when the relationship started since I hang around with her and her husband a lot

It takes a pretty cold blooded person to have an affair with a man's wife while hanging around the guy, acting like everything is fine, and being able to look him in the eye.

I like my MW a lot, and I'll be with her in whatever capacity works best for her. I would never wreck her marriage, for any reason, even if she left me. I have had a good time, and I appreciate the time that I have had. Those who destroy a marriage after the affair is over are, in my opinion, incredibly immature and pathetic.

You already are wrecking her marriage with your relationship with her. That is what is immature and pathetic. If an OW/OM were to develop a conscience and come clean and disclose the affair and end the affair, that would be a good thing, and a mature and decent thing to do.

[zevahc]

I see where you answered who initiates the A. But I didn't see where you responded about how long.

 

I'll say this....I'm a single OM. From the moment I meet MW we had an amazing connection and I was incredibly attracted to her and drawn in...that being said, in the first 6 months to a year I felt the same way you're talking now. And in large part I've tried to "bargain" that I could feel that way again. But I don't think that's really the truth. I began to grow more fond and want more. I imagine you will too. Unless you truly are good at compartmentalizing I believe everything you wrote is to convince yourself or just is a reflection of where you are right now. I was too! Long before I came here to LS.

 

Let me ask you this...why did you come on and find out LS? What was the reason? Did you need to vent? Something bothering you?

 

Let me say that I'm not throwing rocks. Just trying to make you think...if you truly have no issue and you guys can have an open relationship with her H being okay...and everyone is cool with things then good for you guys.

 

I do wish you the best and hope you find the answers you seek.

[Socalidude20]

If their intent is to destroy the marriage, and they inform the BS as a way to push their MP off the fence, then of course telling is self serving. They aren't telling because they've had a sudden stroke of conscience. They are telling in order to end the marriage. If they did have a stroke of conscience and informed the BS of the affair because she has a right to know, obviously that is not self serving, as their intent is to now come clean and be honest. Of course, any disclosure of the affair to the BS is still the right thing to do regardless of motive, because it gives her the honest reality of her life. To keep screwing her husband and keeping the BS in the dark is the most self serving.

 

You already are screwing around with her marriage. You are putting it at serious risk of divorce by engaging in an affair with her. You are also interfering with the emotional/physical bond she has with her husband.

 

It takes a pretty cold blooded person to have an affair with a man's wife while hanging around the guy, acting like everything is fine, and being able to look him in the eye.

 

You already are wrecking her marriage with your relationship with her. That is what is immature and pathetic. If an OW/OM were to develop a conscience and come clean and disclose the affair and end the affair, that would be a good thing, and a mature and decent thing to do.

 

All I can say is I know in my case that isn't always the case. Think of it this way if a guy cheats on his wife all the time or his relationship is hardly a relationship and they're only still married for their kids. Especially in the case of the first if a the MW is willfully blind to it. It really doesn't directly damage his relationship by his OW/OM. Because if they weren't there someone else would be its basically him because he's the unchanging variable.

 

And not really cold blooded it matters what the person who is being cheated on. And quite frankly you can't say much about his situation considering he hasn't given enough details for you to judge. And to me, it basically looks like you are just spewing your preconceived beliefs.

[Got it]

I've been lurking in this forum for a bit, and I've noticed a consistent theme. People enter into relationships with married people, and then expect those married people to leave the marriage for the affair.

 

Inevitably, they start talking about destroying the marriage, usually under the guise of "I need to tell the BS because she has the right to know" or some other self-serving dribble.

 

I'm an OM. My MW is, well, married, and I expect her to stay married for many years in the future. Right now, I have a lot of fun with her. I am having the most engaging, satisfying, electrifying sex of my life, and I consider her to be a very good friend. Why would I want to mess that up by screwing around with her marriage?

 

I'm otherwise single, so if she wanted to leave then sure, but I'm in no rush. She has sex with her husband, it doesn't bother me. I'm not wracked by images of them having relations. The reason it doesn't bother me is because, well, she is married, and I kinda knew that when the relationship started since I hang around with her and her husband a lot

 

I like my MW a lot, and I'll be with her in whatever capacity works best for her. I would never wreck her marriage, for any reason, even if she left me. I have had a good time, and I appreciate the time that I have had. Those who destroy a marriage after the affair is over are, in my opinion, incredibly immature and pathetic.

 

So, if you are an OM/OW, if you knew that the marriage would never end, would you continue the affair? I know I would, and will, until I find somebody else or my MW decides that it is too much for her, whichever comes first, if ever.

 

No. The very beginning of our affair was based on the premise that we were both divorcing and so while his timeline was longer I was an OW for a period of time, it was not something I would have wanted to do indefinitely.

 

So it was about executing what was stated by both parties in the very beginning.

[CanJanus]

Of course, any disclosure of the affair to the BS is still the right thing to do regardless of motive, because it gives her the honest reality of her life.

 

Is it right to tell somebody that they are ugly if they are otherwise unaware? Is honesty really this wonderful elixir that is only a force of good?

 

 

You already are screwing around with her marriage. You are putting it at serious risk of divorce by engaging in an affair with her. You are also interfering with the emotional/physical bond she has with her husband.

 

The marriage was already weak, or my MW wouldn't have sought out the affair. Perhaps this will result in a divorce, but is that necessarily a bad thing? Lifelong marriage is a pretty silly concept, meet somebody at 25 and promise to stay with them exclusively for the next 60 years? Really?

 

 

It takes a pretty cold blooded person to have an affair with a man's wife while hanging around the guy, acting like everything is fine, and being able to look him in the eye.

 

He is not my friend, he means nothing to me. My friendship (prior to the A) was with the MW. The BS could have had her exclusively, but he didn't appreciate the gift that he had. That said, he doesn't know, so it isn't hurting him. Their sex life has not really changed much since the affair started. She is pretty open about what she does with him .

 

You already are wrecking her marriage with your relationship with her. That is what is immature and pathetic. If an OW/OM were to develop a conscience and come clean and disclose the affair and end the affair, that would be a good thing, and a mature and decent thing to do.

 

Tattling is not mature. If you had said that the mature thing to do would be to walk away, then maybe we could have had a reasonable discussion, but there is nothing noble about destroying a marriage by exposing a truth that could have remained hidden.

 

Luckily for my MW (and it many ways luckily for her BS) if the affair ends, their marriage will just move along, and won't have to face the shattering cold of a selfish revelation.

[zevahc]

CanJ...how long have you been in the A?

[Socalidude20]

You never know though who has the upper hand in that situation. Like my MM had a crazy OW who went and confronted her and beat her up in a fight they had. I was never scared of her for a similar reason. But I don't know many guys who would be for that matter.

[crederer]

The difference is that you're not in love, where as other people are in love with their AP (or at least in love with the way it is presented). If you are in love, and don't want to be with them exclusively, then that's a whole other topic.

[Socalidude20]

I'm confused. "dude" in your name implies you're male, and you said elsewhere that you were an OM. But you refer to your MM. I read the terminology page, so I know OM is "other man" and MM is "married man". So I assumed you were a man who was with a married gay or bisexual man. But here I think you're referring to MM as "her". Actually, I'm not sure who the "her" is. Cause if you meant MW and "her" is your MW, then are you saying she had an OW who beat her up?

 

I don't understand who beat who up who or why. Are you male and was your relationship with a man or woman?

 

I'm not clear in my previous post I guess. My MM had an OW who went and beat his MW down at one point. MM was obviously a guy. Those two people were women. I was just using an example because redwolverine indicated that automicatically the BS upon finding out would lead to the OW/OM getting beat up. But I've never beat anyone up myself.

 

Yes I'm a guy. However, my exMM was definitely not gay. Besides me, all of his OW were women. My gender identity and sex is explained in my first thread and just pm me if you have questions.

 

Oh and as for why because she had I guess felt cheated. She had gotten too invested in the relationship. She got pregnant and wanted him to leave his wife and kids for her. Realizing that he wasn't going to move in with her she lashed out at the wife. Partially probably because she was not a sane person as well. It was way before I had anything to do with him 3 years before.

Edited November 11, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[cocorico]

Between:

 

People enter into relationships with married people, and then expect those married people to leave the marriage for the affair.

 

...and:

 

So, if you are an OM/OW, if you knew that the marriage would never end, would you continue the affair?

 

...falls the shadow.

 

I guess it all depends on the assumptions under which you enter the R, and how explicit you and your partner make those assumptions, and how honest you are with yourself and your partner about them. And, how consistently you are able to abide by that agreement over time, given that people change, circumstances change, wants and needs change, and Rs change.

 

Many people enter As without an explicit discussion of expectations and assumptions. This is particularly so for those As that the parties describe as "it just happened" - usually there is some preexisting R there (colleagues, friends, neighbours, etc) and the boundaries blur and suddenly they find they're somewhere they did not expect to be.

 

Others agree expectations, but find their wants and needs changing over time, and are not always conscious of that - or are concerned that their partner's wants and needs may not have changed in synch with their own, so they suppress it and pretend they're still on course with what was agreed.

 

In my own case, when I proposed the A it was strictly as an A. That was all that I wanted, I was clear on my boundaries, and I was happy as an OW. Later, we fell in love and we wanted to be together F/T. At that point, we were both happy in our R, but not happy that it was "only" an A, so we made plans to change it, and now we are happy in a FTR.

 

If you are clear and honest about what you want, and so is your partner, and you want the same thing (whatever that is) there is no problem. The problems arise when people are not honest with their partner, or themselves, about what they want and what they are able to offer.

[JamesM]

Is it right to tell somebody that they are ugly if they are otherwise unaware? Is honesty really this wonderful elixir that is only a force of good?

 

NO, actually, it isn't always necessary to tell.

 

 

The marriage was already weak, or my MW wouldn't have sought out the affair. Perhaps this will result in a divorce, but is that necessarily a bad thing? Lifelong marriage is a pretty silly concept, meet somebody at 25 and promise to stay with them exclusively for the next 60 years? Really?

 

A weak marriage can be made strong again. That is what commitment is all about. An affair breaks the commitment and ends the marriage about 70% of the time. Without the affair, then the marriage can be made whole again...and in most cases it is.

 

After over 20 years of marriage, I don't think it is a silly concept, but I can say that it takes work. My folks are almost at 60 years. I doubt that they will tell me it is silly.

 

He is not my friend, he means nothing to me. My friendship (prior to the A) was with the MW. The BS could have had her exclusively, but he didn't appreciate the gift that he had. That said, he doesn't know, so it isn't hurting him. Their sex life has not really changed much since the affair started. She is pretty open about what she does with him .

 

I appreciate the fact that you are satisfied as a OM and she as a WS, but the question is...is he satisfied as the BS? How would you feel if you were him?

 

Tattling is not mature. If you had said that the mature thing to do would be to walk away, then maybe we could have had a reasonable discussion, but there is nothing noble about destroying a marriage by exposing a truth that could have remained hidden.

 

True and false. Is it any more noble to enable someone to break their vows to another person? Would you want to be in his position married to the woman you are dating? Have you more respect for her or less knowing that she is untrustworthy as a spouse? Have you wondered if she is being honest with you?

 

Luckily for my MW (and it many ways luckily for her BS) if the affair ends, their marriage will just move along, and won't have to face the shattering cold of a selfish revelation.

 

Perhaps, but this is what you both think while the affair fog lies over your heads. Fact is...it also depends how the affair ends. It could be that you end it and she is angry at you and blames you as she confesses to her husband. I doubt he will simply say "oh well." Or it could be that she decides that her marriage IS more important and ends it with you. Then you may decide that the husband deserves to be told. So again, it doesn't end well. Or it could be that the husband finds out from a clue or from a friend, and I doubt he will take it sitting down.

 

Too many ways this could not end well.

 

For me to answer your question...if I were an affair partner (and yes, I have been to the point where I seriously considered such a thing), then I don't think I could pick someone who was married. I don't think I could sit back and share her with her husband. I don't think I would want to screw her knowing she was screwing her husband. (And that could be taken both ways. )

 

If I were an OM, then the only reason I would want an affair is because of something lacking in my own marriage. And the affair would be to fill the void while continuing in my marriage. BUT I don't think I could conduct an affair with a married woman. She would have to be single.

 

Having said all that, I have decided that I don't think the risks of an affair outweigh the benefits of an affair.

[KathyM]

All I can say is I know in my case that isn't always the case. Think of it this way if a guy cheats on his wife all the time or his relationship is hardly a relationship and they're only still married for their kids. Especially in the case of the first if a the MW is willfully blind to it. It really doesn't directly damage his relationship by his OW/OM. Because if they weren't there someone else would be its basically him because he's the unchanging variable.

If the marriage is truly dead and the WS is only staying for the sake of the kids, then why not negotiate an open marriage rather than cheat?

And not really cold blooded it matters what the person who is being cheated on. And quite frankly you can't say much about his situation considering he hasn't given enough details for you to judge. And to me, it basically looks like you are just spewing your preconceived beliefs.

The OP has given enough information in his post for me to know that he is having an affair with a man's wife, while pretending to be a friend to the BS. I would say that's pretty cold blooded to be able to look a man in the eyes while having an affair with the man's wife.

[KathyM]

Is it right to tell somebody that they are ugly if they are otherwise unaware? Is honesty really this wonderful elixir that is only a force of good?

Obviously, honesty and integrity are not something you value. Telling someone they are ugly is not in any way comparable to telling someone they are being cheated on.

 

 

 

The marriage was already weak, or my MW wouldn't have sought out the affair. Perhaps this will result in a divorce, but is that necessarily a bad thing? Lifelong marriage is a pretty silly concept, meet somebody at 25 and promise to stay with them exclusively for the next 60 years? Really?

So the marriage is struggling, and you think your presence is not making it worse? You're like a vulture who sees a wounded animal, and goes in for the kill.

 

 

 

He is not my friend, he means nothing to me. My friendship (prior to the A) was with the MW. The BS could have had her exclusively, but he didn't appreciate the gift that he had. That said, he doesn't know, so it isn't hurting him. Their sex life has not really changed much since the affair started. She is pretty open about what she does with him .

Just because he doesn't know doesn't mean what you're doing is not hurting him. You are hurting his marriage, taking something from him that was promised to him, and further alienating his wife and putting his family at risk. Just because he doesn't know it yet doesn't mean it is not hurting him. That would be like saying the robber who has stolen everything from him did not hurt him because the BS did not go home and find out yet that he had been robbed.

 

 

Tattling is not mature. If you had said that the mature thing to do would be to walk away, then maybe we could have had a reasonable discussion, but there is nothing noble about destroying a marriage by exposing a truth that could have remained hidden.

Tattling? Oh, please. This is not kindergarten. You are dealing with some serious stuff. Messing around in a person's marriage. Would confessing you and a friend had stolen something from someone be tattling? No, it would be a confession, and a way to make amends to the person you had wronged.

Luckily for my MW (and it many ways luckily for her BS) if the affair ends, their marriage will just move along, and won't have to face the shattering cold of a selfish revelation.

Well, that's a very self serving comment on your part. You're not doing the BS any favors by keeping the secret. You are only serving yourself, and enabling the WS to cheat on her husband.

[Sub]

Tattling is not mature. If you had said that the mature thing to do would be to walk away, then maybe we could have had a reasonable discussion, but there is nothing noble about destroying a marriage by exposing a truth that could have remained hidden.

 

The mature thing to do is not engage in an affair. Odd how tattling(yikes!) is the part that's at issue here, and not the fact that she's lying to her husband's face.

[Socalidude20]

Thanks. I was totally lost trying to figure out how the woman who got beat up was involved with who. I knew there had to either be a typo or someone you didn't mention.

 

 

 

I just read your first post. Your situation is more interesting and less straightforward than I gathered from your other posts. For the record, I don't think the genders matter except that I couldn't make sense of who was getting beat up and their relation to you or the married person.

 

As far as danger goes, I guess any person could be a threat to the other. After all, there is that old tv and movie staple of MM killing the OW to keep her from telling.

 

 

Yeah looking back I did make it confusing sorry.

 

 

And yeah I try to keep it simple.

 

 

On tv they hardly ever talk about the MW killing the MM. Very popular to see OW try to kill MW or MM very usual to see MM kill MW or OW.

 

I saw a movie based on a true story where the MW urged MM to kill OW. Also read a book where the MW killed the OW. But not really much of the MW killing the MM.... Maybe I just haven't watched enough movies.

[Socalidude20]

If the marriage is truly dead and the WS is only staying for the sake of the kids, then why not negotiate an open marriage rather than cheat?

 

The OP has given enough information in his post for me to know that he is having an affair with a man's wife, while pretending to be a friend to the BS. I would say that's pretty cold blooded to be able to look a man in the eyes while having an affair with the man's wife.

 

Some people don't like admitting to the truth. Some just rather pretend than have to truly see things for what they are.

 

And he said he was her friend not the BH's.

[KathyM]

Some people don't like admitting to the truth. Some just rather pretend than have to truly see things for what they are.

Because the fake persona or maintaining appearances are more important to the WS than his integrity, honesty, or living an authentic life or allowing the BS to live an authentic life. Or the WS wants to limit/control his BS and keep her/him to their promise of fidelity, while breaching his promise. Either excuse is pretty pathetic.

And he said he was her friend not the BH's.

Yes, I saw that after I posted. Doesn't really change what I said. He still hangs out with the BS and the WW together, and looks the BS in the eye and pretends that nothing is amiss while banging the guy's wife. Pretty cold blooded.

[CanJanus]

True and false. Is it any more noble to enable someone to break their vows to another person?

 

To me, a marriage vow is almost equivalent to somebody promising when they are 20 that they will never eat meat again, before they have even tried being a vegetarian. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. Either way, it is a silly vow.

 

Would you want to be in his position married to the woman you are dating?

 

Of course not, I wouldn't want to be in the position of the person who cleans my septic tank either. The BS made some choices that have resulted in some consequences.

 

Have you more respect for her or less knowing that she is untrustworthy as a spouse? Have you wondered if she is being honest with you?

 

I respect her independently of the affair. I suspect she is being honest with me, but I cannot truly know. I'm single, I don't need to trust her. She needs to trust me. Luckily for her, I'm completely loyal to my friends.

 

 

Or it could be that she decides that her marriage IS more important and ends it with you. Then you may decide that the husband deserves to be told.

 

No, that is what started this thread. I will never believe that her husband deserves to be told. And, even if I did, I would never believe that it was my place to do this telling. That would just be vengeful.

 

Having said all that, I have decided that I don't think the risks of an affair outweigh the benefits of an affair.

 

That is a lie. You are adamantly anti-affair, and you are pretending that you were once in a position to make a decision to have an affair. Probably because you think it gives you some credibility. But, to me, you are too transparent, so the ploy is ineffective.

[JamesM]

To me, a marriage vow is almost equivalent to somebody promising when they are 20 that they will never eat meat again, before they have even tried being a vegetarian. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. Either way, it is a silly vow.

 

Then we differ and must disagree.

 

Making a vow or commitment should not be variable depending on if we change.

 

Of course not, I wouldn't want to be in the position of the person who cleans my septic tank either. The BS made some choices that have resulted in some consequences.

 

While I do agree that our actions have consequences, we can only learn if we know the consequences. Since th BS doesn't know that his wife is cheating, then I question the fairness of blaming the BS.

 

I have no doubt that if the BS knew the results of his actions, then he would change one way or another. Passive aggresssiveness in the form of an affair is a bit cowardly.

 

I respect her independently of the affair.

 

And you respect her for choosing an affair? If she were your wife, would you still respect her and think the affair is a good consequence to your actions?

 

I suspect she is being honest with me, but I cannot truly know. I'm single, I don't need to trust her. She needs to trust me.

 

Not sure that she needs to trust you except that you keep the affair private...and honestly, even you don't know how you would react if she broke off the affair.

 

Luckily for her, I'm completely loyal to my friends.

 

Really? Does the BS think you are his friend?

 

No, that is what started this thread. I will never believe that her husband deserves to be told. And, even if I did, I would never believe that it was my place to do this telling. That would just be vengeful.

 

I actually agree with you in that it is not necessary for you to tell the BS. I don't know if it is even necessary to tell him at all.

 

Would YOU want to know if you were him?

 

 

That is a lie.

 

No, I have considered an affair more than once.

 

You are adamantly anti-affair,

 

Actually, I am against them, but that does not mean I can say that the idea hasn't been attractive. It has and I have been close to having one. As I said the benefits have never outweighted the risks.

 

and you are pretending that you were once in a position to make a decision to have an affair.

 

These are three threads that I started. There also have been numerous posts that I have made about my dealings with the idea of an affair.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/346156-how-do-you-start-affair

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/353390-i-have-found-someone-else-have-sex

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/201696-if-you-want-sex-then-you-will-have-get-somewhere-else

 

Oddly, I have been accused of being pro-affair many times. Many BSs get angry at my comments that in their mind, seem to support affairs and OMs/OWs. I have sided with OWS because I felt tahttheir position was correct. I have stated how I think it is understandable how someone can choose an affair. But that does not mean I excused them for choosing one.

 

Oh, there is no doubt that I have been in the position to have an affair. Not that I am a Don Juan or Brad Pitt, but there have been a couple of women who have made it plain to me that all I needed to do was ask.

 

Probably because you think it gives you some credibility.

 

 

I don't know about credibility, but I think it at least shows that I have been in the same position even if I have not chosen an affair.

 

But, to me, you are too transparent, so the ploy is ineffective.

 

It is not a ploy. I am not trying to be anyting. I simply am looking at this and see two people (and that is your AP and her husband) who sadly are ruining their lives. I see you as a person who simply is enjoying this affair for his own pleasure and not caring how you are enabling someone to ruin her life...even if she thinks you are good for her.

 

It may also surprise you that when I was in my early twenties as a single guy, I dated a girl wo was living with a guy. It lasted six months, but I did "play" the OM for awhile. I ended it when I realized that she never was leaving him.

[Cocochai]

Your a Man OP right? Just from my observations Men are way better at compartmentalizations then females... I also think MM do a lot of stuff like taking wifey out when she wants to more so well... Because she wants to or he may be in the dog house later. A lot of Husband are content w/ lounging on the couch watching sports all day.

 

Your getting the mind blowing sex for free... Her BS is the one who has to deal w/ the stressful and good times in their marriage. Like you've said before, you've married before so you already know how a marriage can be still times.

 

I believe it takes a strong Woman to never ever get jealous while dealing w/ a MM. Sounds to me that your pretty much enjoying the perks of it to me.

Edited November 15, 2013 by Cocochai

[CanJanus]

Much of your post is spent defending my accusation that you have not actually engaged in activity that would allow you to speak from the OM/OW perspective with experience. I haven't changed my mind in that respect, but I will not address your points, since I don't think that they proved anything, and at the end of the day they don't really matter. I'm not totally dismissing what you said, I just can't argue with vapour, so we'll agree to disagree on that point, and discuss the more interesting points

 

Then we differ and must disagree.

 

Making a vow or commitment should not be variable depending on if we change.

 

Actually, I do agree, a commitment shouldn't be a commitment of "I'll do this until I change my mind". However, when a 25 year old commits to a marriage for the next 60 years, do they really know what they are getting into? I know that when I was 25 I had absolutely no idea what marriage was like. When I got married I certainly felt like I was going to be married forever, but in retrospect I was a clueless child.

 

Essentially, the way I see it is an issue of informed consent. I believe that most people getting married do not have the necessary background to understand the implications of their commitments, which invalidates those commitments.

 

So marriage involves consent, but almost never involves informed consent, except for those on their second marriages.

 

I have no doubt that if the BS knew the results of his actions, then he would change one way or another. Passive aggresssiveness in the form of an affair is a bit cowardly.

 

BS is quite aware that his actions have alienated his spouse and reduced the quality of their marriage. Does he need an affair to change his actions? He shouldn't, he should be changing to make her happy. He chooses not to.

 

Not sure that she needs to trust you except that you keep the affair private...and honestly, even you don't know how you would react if she broke off the affair.

 

I've been betrayed in the past, I never go nuclear. Not my style.

 

Really? Does the BS think you are his friend?

 

Absolutely not. He knows I am not his friend. I just said that I hang around him often, which has somehow been conflating on this board with "friendship". I hang around with a number of people who are not my friends, but are friends of my friends. The BS in this case is relatively close to my MW, as is to be expected.

 

I actually agree with you in that it is not necessary for you to tell the BS. I don't know if it is even necessary to tell him at all.

 

Would YOU want to know if you were him?

 

Hard to say, to be honest I think I'd prefer to remain in the dark. In fact, it is possible that in my previous relationships I was a BS (or if not spouse, BB or something) but I just never found out. I'm not a very controlling person, so my probability of discovering duplicity would have been rather low.

[CanJanus]

I believe it takes a strong Woman to never ever get jealous while dealing w/ a MM. Sounds to me that your pretty much enjoying the perks of it to me.

 

I'm not a MM, or a MOM, I am an OM

 

But yeah, I'm having a lot of fun, best sex of my life. I never knew that it could be this good. We both get off on trying to make the other person happy. The thought that I could have gone to my grave without knowing this level of pleasure is scary.

 

Maybe the affair bubble will end one day, but this is one helluva big bubble.

[WrinkledForehead]

Hmmm. Well for me, I loved him the first time I met him. We did discuss me being a long term mistress at first, but realized after a few months how smitten we were with each other and how amazing we were together. Our love grew and we knew the duality the A created wouldn't work forever. THE poit came where I couldn't handle being a mistress and I let him know. He left his long term R shortly after, but not solely for me. Mostly because he realized his R wasn't what he wanted for forever more. I wouldn't have tried to ruin his R, I often gave him advice on how to repair it if he wanted to, and I respected the bond he created with this other person long before me. I also had the wherewithal to know what I wanted and needed and state it as such.

[JamesM]

Much of your post is spent defending my accusation that you have not actually engaged in activity that would allow you to speak from the OM/OW perspective with experience. I haven't changed my mind in that respect, but I will not address your points, since I don't think that they proved anything, and at the end of the day they don't really matter.

 

I will let you have your points except this one.

 

My defense was against your ORIGINAL position which was different than what you are saying now. Please reread.

 

As to your other points, they are interesting and we will simply disagree or even agree in some cases. I don't want to turn your thread into a debate. I like to read more responses to your original questions.

[Yayo]

My own personal experience is that I entered in not expecting to get attached or fall in love. For months and months I was perfectly content with just having sex once a week. I never thought about his significant other. Didn't want to know her name or her face and never ever thought about them together. It didn't bother me. And then unexpectedly I fell in love with him. It. Changes. Everything.