"I have Found Someone Else to Have Sex With"

[JamesM]

A couple of days ago, my wife said that she had to show me something. She had read this letter in the paper that made her think that I wrote it. "It was really eerie," she said. "It was as if you could have written it word for word." She had to say a couple of times how eerie it was to read this letter and thinking that it could have been me. The words used and the language style are like mine, but alas I didn't write it.

 

I provide the link below. Please read the first letter and realize that I have said something close without actually having a girlfriend. IMO this letter is written very well and as kindly as possible under the circumstances. It sounds like it was written by a husband who had tried everything (although he only tried for a year).

 

Annie's Mailbox: I have found someone else to have sex with - Omaha.com

 

A couple of short quotes:

 

Dear Wife: There is absolutely no doubt that our relationship is based on love. You are the best wife and mother. Your love and companionship are a blessing to me and to our children. We have made a wonderful life together, and I hope to grow old with you.

 

Why am I writing? Because the only thing missing from our life is sex.

 

I understand that something has robbed you of your desire, but mine is still here. For that reason, I have found someone else to have sex with.

 

She is not a replacement. I would rather it be you, but until then, please forgive me.

 

Please read the whole letter.

 

Well, I responded to her after reading it by saying that I agreed...it could have been written by me, and that it was well written. Later, I thought of other things I should have or could have mentioned and asked her, but I didn't. What was interesting is her response to the letter. She didn't act angry at the man who write it, but almost seemed understanding of him...and me. She made no comments that "if you ever did that I would...". She simply pointed out the letter to me. At first she couldn't find it, and I (not knowing what the letter was about and assuming it was political) said that I would find it later and read it. "No, I want to show it to you now." After I read it and said I didn't write it, she said, "You are not alone." She didn't say it as a way to excuse herself, but simply as a comment.

 

I realized that she knows exactly how I feel and hasn't forgotten our lack of sex. She knows how important it is to me, and I do think it is a simple lack of physical interest that keeps her from being interested. Like many of us, she tries to forget the problem and continue on with life. Right now, she cannot have sex due to a surgery, but this applies to the past few weeks. Yet I wonder why she doesn't attempt any activity to satisfy that need.

 

Now I wonder...does she think that I do have a GF/s*x buddy? I never said that I didn't on purpose even though I don't. I have found ways to keep the resentment from building and am able to focus on the many wonderful parts of our marriage and family. Would she want to know? I kinda think no.

 

I have no problem with my decision to stick it out. I also am fine with how I am coping. I found it very interesting that it was necessary that SHE point it out to me instead of me finding it myself.

 

What would you do if your husband had written this letter? There IS a husband out there who did write it. And as I know from my years here, I am not alone.

 

Again, the link:

Annie's Mailbox: I have found someone else to have sex with - Omaha.com

 

Now to find that girlfriend.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

James,

 

Showing you a letter in the paper, and then saying something ambiguous which then you respond to having assumed some particular initial position of hers, and which response she is then free to misinterpret, is not good communication. It is fancy-pantsing around.

 

It opens the door however - you should have the "My needs of you: your needs of me" conversation, and make it clear to her what you want, that this includes her meeting your needs by learning to give you satisfaction in other ways. Before going for the no-going-back EA route, you need to understand each other's POV on this. "Would she want to know? I kinda think no." Make her say it and own the consequences of her actions in your marriage, if indeed it is true. Not giving her an out here, may actually make her step up and give you the goods.

 

This is a far from unique situation - I wish you a happy outcome, whatever that is.

Edited October 23, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[JamesM]

James,

 

Showing you a letter in the paper, and then saying something ambiguous which then you respond to having assumed some particular initial position of hers, and which response she is then free to misinterpret, is not good communication. It is fancy-pantsing around.

 

This is not our first conversation on this topic. I know I have made it clear what we need. I will not threaten or give an ultimatum because I know that this marriage is what I want even with the lack of sex.

 

It opens the door however - you should have the "My needs of you: your needs of me" conversation, and make it clear to her what you want, that this includes her meeting your needs by learning to give you satisfaction in other ways.

 

Having this conversation at this point would be a waste as she is laid up on the couch. Physically it would be impractical to pursue sex.

 

Before going for the no-going-back EA route, you need to understand each other's POV on this. "Would she want to know? I kinda think no." Make her say it and own the consequences of her actions in your marriage, if indeed it is true.

 

I would not think of any EA, and honestly, I don't think a F-Buddy would be attractive at this point. Oddly, sex is not important enough for that complication in my life. But I can say as did the letter writer, any OW would be simply as a sex partner and nothing else. She would and could never be a replacement for my wife no matter what is missing.

 

I do agree...I did not pin her down as to her response if she were the wife. Many years of marriage with her gives me a pretty good idea of her thoughts (we have an uncanny way of expressing what the other one thinks at the same time each is thinking it)...but you are correct, they were not verbally said. The fact (again) that she mentioned the letter was her way of letting me know that she hadn't forgotten, and maybe something else?

 

This is a far from unique situation - I wish you a happy outcome, whatever that is.

 

Thank you, and I agree. Her way of making sure I read the letter made me realize that it is as much of a problem for her as for me. I do wish that I had kept that conversation going, but I had to get somewhere and couldn't finish the conversation if I started it.

[KathyM]

James,

 

Showing you a letter in the paper, and then saying something ambiguous which then you respond to having assumed some particular initial position of hers, and which response she is then free to misinterpret, is not good communication. It is fancy-pantsing around.

 

It opens the door however - you should have the "My needs of you: your needs of me" conversation, and make it clear to her what you want, that this includes her meeting your needs by learning to give you satisfaction in other ways. Before going for the no-going-back EA route, you need to understand each other's POV on this. "Would she want to know? I kinda think no." Make her say it and own the consequences of her actions in your marriage, if indeed it is true. Not giving her an out here, may actually make her step up and give you the goods.

 

This is a far from unique situation - I wish you a happy outcome, whatever that is.

I agree with this--you need to have this conversation BEFORE you ever go the route of finding someone else, and not just assume she would not want to know. There are plenty of ways to satisfy you other than intercourse if she's not able to do that right now. Men should never assume outside sex is OK with the wife just because she has not been interested in sex. She probably assumes you have accepted the no sex situation in your marriage, or that you no longer are that interested in it. Do not assume anything on her part. Very few women would be OK with their man seeking sex elsewhere.

 

And as far as what I personally would want if I were in that situation, if we got to the point where sex was minimal or non-existent, I would definately want to know if my husband were planning to get it elsewhere, which would be a huge wake up call for me if I realized it had come to that.

[carhill]

Backstory to this dynamic

 

My opinion is to continue the dialogue and see where it goes. Remain open to considering all options which are brought to the table. Your wife was proactive here. She brought this to you. Go with that.

[Radagast]

Now I wonder...does she think that I do have a GF/s*x buddy? I never said that I didn't on purpose even though I don't. I have found ways to keep the resentment from building and am able to focus on the many wonderful parts of our marriage and family. Would she want to know? I kinda think no.

 

James,

 

I agree that she was using the letter as indirect communication. I suspect that her current condition left her more vulnerable than usual and so seeing the letter resonated with her more than it might otherwise. But to me it is unclear whether she was seeking reassurance from you ("No, I didn't write the letter, _and_ I don't have a girlfriend") or was using the opportunity to intimate that she understood and would tolerate such a resolution on your part, provided it was packaged in the same way ("you are the best wife and mother... the only thing missing is sex") without stating it directly, without wanting to open that door if it has not already been opened. I suspect you are correct in your assumption that she would prefer not to know, and I suspect that this overture was her way of negotiating with you, without expressly granting you permission for extramarital liaisons because goodness knows what that might lead to and then she'd be as responsible as you for the outcome. But this way she can imply, that as log as she has your love, your commitment, your loyalty and priority in your life, a spillage of body fluid here or there involving another person can be overlooked, even understood, as long as it's not in her face and the children need never find out.

 

I'd suggest though that the conversation is worth having. Not because you plan on acting on it - rather, because (at this point) you don't. Because that will allow you to discuss the issue without all the emotional investment, to face the "what ifs" and to gauge more accurately what the implications for your marriage might be. The letter provides a useful opening. You could ask her how she felt on seeing it, how she would have felt if you had admitted to being the author, how she would have felt if you did have a girlfriend or sex partner of whatever description while still feeling as he did (and you do) about her as wife and mother. I would not seek to create or magnify any insecurity her convalescence might have allowed, but nor would I seek to dismiss the risk and provide a false sense of security. You have decided - for now - that that is not a strategy you wish to pursue. In the future things may change and you may want or need to revisit that. If you are too ready to reassure at this point, it may push sex off the agenda in a way that makes it difficult for you to reassert that later. Given that there are no immediate expectations of her to deliver on the sex front, I'd say now might be optimal timing for that conversation, rather than later when it could be construed as holding a gun against her head.

 

I admire your approach. I hope the letter provides an opportunity towards some resolution.

[JamesM]

I agree with this--you need to have this conversation BEFORE you ever go the route of finding someone else, and not just assume she would not want to know. There are plenty of ways to satisfy you other than intercourse if she's not able to do that right now.

 

I am not on the route to find someone else. And as carhill pointed out, this is not just because of her "convalescence." This has been an ongoing problem.

 

I am surprised that the letter writer found someone else after only a year of no sex. To each his own. It has taken me alot longer than that to consider such a route.

 

Backstory to this dynamic

 

My opinion is to continue the dialogue and see where it goes. Remain open to considering all options which are brought to the table. Your wife was proactive here. She brought this to you. Go with that.

 

Thank you for your advice.The fact that she brought it to my attention was a surprise...and must have been for a reason.

[JamesM]

James,

 

I agree that she was using the letter as indirect communication. I suspect that her current condition left her more vulnerable than usual and so seeing the letter resonated with her more than it might otherwise. But to me it is unclear whether she was seeking reassurance from you ("No, I didn't write the letter, _and_ I don't have a girlfriend") or was using the opportunity to intimate that she understood and would tolerate such a resolution on your part, provided it was packaged in the same way

 

It is unclear to me as well, and if I was thinking better I would have asked. If I get the opportunity, I may.

 

I suspect you are correct in your assumption that she would prefer not to know, and I suspect that this overture was her way of negotiating with you, without expressly granting you permission for extramarital liaisons because goodness knows what that might lead to and then she'd be as responsible as you for the outcome.

 

Knowing her, I might agree. If I asked her outright, then I doubt she would say that. And honestly, I am not in the position to want such an arrangement...for many reasons, including the lack of desire for any woman or the desire to avoid such complications.

 

I'd suggest though that the conversation is worth having. Not because you plan on acting on it - rather, because (at this point) you don't.

 

The letter provides a useful opening.

 

It did and it was an opportunity that I may have let slip through my fingers. I know her that if it is important to her, then she will start it up again. She loves her life as it is (to a degree) and would not want to lose it. I love my life and marriage for most of it, and I would not want to lose it over sex. However, if the resentment builds up again....who knows?

 

Honestly, I truly think that she thinks her libido will return someday, but she doesn't take any active role in making that happen.

 

I would not seek to create or magnify any insecurity her convalescence might have allowed, but nor would I seek to dismiss the risk and provide a false sense of security. You have decided - for now - that that is not a strategy you wish to pursue. In the future things may change and you may want or need to revisit that. If you are too ready to reassure at this point, it may push sex off the agenda in a way that makes it difficult for you to reassert that later. Given that there are no immediate expectations of her to deliver on the sex front, I'd say now might be optimal timing for that conversation, rather than later when it could be construed as holding a gun against her head.

 

Good advice.

 

I admire your approach. I hope the letter provides an opportunity towards some resolution.

 

And I thank you for your feedback. Knowing where you come from, I appreciate your taking the time to give your thoughts. I will take it to heart.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am surprised that the letter writer found someone else after only a year of no sex. To each his own. It has taken me alot longer than that to consider such a route.

James, I think you're the exception in this regard. Most men, having been turned down consistently for a year as the letter writer describes, would be moving towards "Plan B".

Knowing her, I might agree. If I asked her outright, then I doubt she would say that.

You touched on this peripherally but not directly. When asked by your wife "did you write this letter?", if your hesitant answer was "yes", what do you truly believe her response - and subsequent actions - would be ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

Just because the conversation ended doesn't mean at some point you can't bring up. Next month after her surgery (hope all goes well there) and when she's healed from that.. You can just say, I was thinking about that letter ... And go from there.

 

Also, don't read into anything, or read between the lines, don't assume either. She showed you that letter because she thought it was you who wrote it. When the time is right, talk to her and ask her how she feels. It's better to be up front and honest (both of you) than to wonder or assume, read between the lines of what she meant by showing it to you.

 

You're a good egg James.

[GorillaTheater]

You're a good egg James.

 

He is. If anyone can handle this with sensitivity and integrity, it's James.

[Lucky_One]

James, I went and read the first 3-4 pages of the backstory that Carhill posted, but didn't make it through the whole thing where this question could have been answered; sorry if this is a repeat.

 

Menopause happens earlier for some women. I am going through it now (late 40's, and I had a hysterectomy about 8 years ago and retained my ovaries), and trust me, the physical stuff is worrying and upsetting to me (and to my H). I simply had no desire for him. I hadn't orgasmed in at least a year (well, without using a vibrator when I was alone, just to make sure that I was still ABLE to - and for some reason, I can't when I use a vibrator when with him), and I just would be happy if he didn't want to have sex.

 

I tried to make myself available for sex at least once a week if he wants it, but I found myself faking parts of it (movement, sounds). I couldn't STAND the thought of taking him in my mouth - it truly made me want to gag - and for a while, I couldn't even stand to touch him. As a result, between my lack of response and my active participation and his age (he is in his 50's), he has a harder time maintaining an erection and sometimes can't orgasm.

 

Anyway, long story short, I talked to my doctor, and we did some hormone testing. My testosterone level was zero, and that is the main hormone that seems to boost libido (as well as builds/maintains muscle definition, keeps weight gain from the spare-tire section, and keeps your heart healthy). At that point, my estradiol seemed ok, but that actually fluctuates and now we are thinking that we simply tested at an "up" time of the month.

 

We have tried various methods of testosterone replacement (injections of methyltest, compounded capsules, cream), and have met with reasonable success. I have far more sex drive than I used to (about 30% of what my old sex drive was), and it is making things better in bed.

 

We have since tested again, and my estradiol was zero. So now we are looking into estrogen replacement, too, to help with some of my other symptoms, and I hope that will help raise it. We are looking at bio-identical testosterone and estrogen implants, but I would be the first patient of my dr's to use those and he is a bit leery.

 

You may want to read The Hormone of Desire and HormoneSynergy, which give detailed but understandable explanations of how the loss of these essential hormones can change people dramatically, as well as ways to supplement for them. Sometimes I think HormoneSynergy is a bit "crunchier" and holistic than my typical life, but the science is sound.

 

Good luck. It truly is frustrating, for both partners. I don't want to live without sex, and I hate the fact that I even shy away from affection because I don't want him to become aroused and then I have to have sex out of guilt. It is not a good way to live, for either one of us, but seems to be the way many couples DO live, especially as they both age.

 

PS. And yes, you ARE a good egg!

[JamesM]

 

You touched on this peripherally but not directly. When asked by your wife "did you write this letter?", if your hesitant answer was "yes", what do you truly believe her response - and subsequent actions - would be ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I am not sure. In the past, I would have said she would have responded angrily. Now I almost think it would have been a more resigned "I deserved it" response.

 

But truthfully, I don't know.

 

Just because the conversation ended doesn't mean at some point you can't bring up. Next month after her surgery (hope all goes well there) and when she's healed from that.. You can just say, I was thinking about that letter ... And go from there.

 

She had her surgery and is now recovering. But yes, the opportunity may be there when she gets better.

 

Also, don't read into anything, or read between the lines, don't assume either. She showed you that letter because she thought it was you who wrote it. When the time is right, talk to her and ask her how she feels. It's better to be up front and honest (both of you) than to wonder or assume, read between the lines of what she meant by showing it to you.

 

I wondered that, too. Did she really think I wrote it? It does sound like me. And when I said I didn't, was she relieved? Did she almost expect me to have written it? I don't know, but you may be right.

 

I won't assume...that could get me in a lot of trouble!

 

You're a good egg James.

 

Thank you and very much appreciated...as is your feedback.

 

He is. If anyone can handle this with sensitivity and integrity, it's James.

 

I appreciate the vote of confidence. I hope I can.

[JamesM]

 

Menopause happens earlier for some women. I am going through it now (late 40's, and I had a hysterectomy about 8 years ago and retained my ovaries), and trust me, the physical stuff is worrying and upsetting to me (and to my H).

 

She is not in menopause yet. She still has periods albeit less often. And she has not had a hysterectomy...although I have been "cut."

 

I simply had no desire for him. I hadn't orgasmed in at least a year (well, without using a vibrator when I was alone, just to make sure that I was still ABLE to - and for some reason, I can't when I use a vibrator when with him), and I just would be happy if he didn't want to have sex.

 

She has no physical desire for me either even though she will kiss me and hug me. As far as I am aware, she never masturbates. She had a vibrator that I got her but got rid of it.

 

I tried to make myself available for sex at least once a week if he wants it, but I found myself faking parts of it (movement, sounds). I couldn't STAND the thought of taking him in my mouth - it truly made me want to gag - and for a while, I couldn't even stand to touch him. As a result, between my lack of response and my active participation and his age (he is in his 50's), he has a harder time maintaining an erection and sometimes can't orgasm.

 

It has been twice this year that we had sex...the last time was in June. before that was January. So I expect I am scheduled in for late November or early December. She never has faked it and I wouldn't wish her to. And no, she doesn't like bjs anymore.

 

Anyway, long story short, I talked to my doctor, and we did some hormone testing. My testosterone level was zero, and that is the main hormone that seems to boost libido (as well as builds/maintains muscle definition, keeps weight gain from the spare-tire section, and keeps your heart healthy). At that point, my estradiol seemed ok, but that actually fluctuates and now we are thinking that we simply tested at an "up" time of the month.

 

She has discussed this as a possibility but hasn't been tested. However, the risk of cancer is a concern for both of us.

 

BTW, you may have missed that she has fibromyalgia and takes a number of pain meds every day. Adding hormone treatment may be an issue.

 

We have tried various methods of testosterone replacement (injections of methyltest, compounded capsules, cream), and have met with reasonable success. I have far more sex drive than I used to (about 30% of what my old sex drive was), and it is making things better in bed.

 

She has been using a testosterone cream lately but no change IMO. I think it did something to her so she may have quit at least for now.

 

We have since tested again, and my estradiol was zero. So now we are looking into estrogen replacement, too, to help with some of my other symptoms, and I hope that will help raise it. We are looking at bio-identical testosterone and estrogen implants, but I would be the first patient of my dr's to use those and he is a bit leery.

 

Again, the concern for cancer is a problem. I would rather have no sex than to have her get cancer. The risk may be small but with her family history, it is a concern.

 

You may want to read The Hormone of Desire and HormoneSynergy, which give detailed but understandable explanations of how the loss of these essential hormones can change people dramatically, as well as ways to supplement for them. Sometimes I think HormoneSynergy is a bit "crunchier" and holistic than my typical life, but the science is sound.

 

I will look them up. I do enjoy researching and if this offers some hope, then it will be worth it. She usually listens to me when I t ell her something that I learned when reading.

 

Good luck. It truly is frustrating, for both partners. I don't want to live without sex, and I hate the fact that I even shy away from affection because I don't want him to become aroused and then I have to have sex out of guilt. It is not a good way to live, for either one of us, but seems to be the way many couples DO live, especially as they both age.

 

We are both in our late 40s and I don't want to live without sex. However, she has said a number of times that she does not miss it. If she did, then this would not be an issue IMO.

 

PS. And yes, you ARE a good egg!

 

Thank you. Just saying thank you doesn't quite cover it though....your feedback, concern and compliments are very much appreciated.

[pteromom]

I feel very much like Lucky One... I find myself shying away from affection too, because I don't want DH to get aroused.

 

My case is different though. I DO give him BJs or HJs every few days. Like your wife, I had surgery and am unable to have intercourse right now, but when I could, I did it at least every couple weeks.

 

But - this is not enough for my DH. We constantly argue about sex to the point where I don't want ANYTHING to do with it. He is very angry and sad that my libido has dropped off, and of course, anger and sadness don't do anything to turn me on.

 

I am SOOOO sick of it.

 

I really wouldn't mind if my husband found a FWB for sex. I think it would solve a lot of our problems. And if he found someone kinky, he could live out all his fantasies. Win-win.

[Mr. Lucky]

I really wouldn't mind if my husband found a FWB for sex. I think it would solve a lot of our problems. And if he found someone kinky, he could live out all his fantasies. Win-win.

And you'd stay with him, without any anger, resentment or jealousy on your part? Easier said than done...

 

Mr. Lucky

[frozensprouts]

James,

it sounds like you really ,love your wife to bits, and that she loves you just as much right back...you're both very lucky that way. Many people spend their life looking for that, and never find it.

 

If I remember correctly, you indicated that your wife has fibromyalgia, and takes medication for it. based upon my own experiences with these meds. ( Lyrica and amitrytaline more commonly known as Elavil) that I've seen in my daughter who takes them they really can have some unwanted side effects, on of which is that they affect your libido ( I'm fine with that in her...she's only 14, so for the time being, it's a good thing )...

 

It sounds like you are very understanding of this, and that you are not blaming your wife for something she can not control. I would encourage you to talk openly to her about the fact that you still would love to have sex with her, but that you understand that right now, that's not a viable option for her. Then you can put the ball in her court and ask her if she has only ideas about what solutions there could be to that issue that she could be okay with. Would she be okay with finding other ways bedsides intercourse, with you seeing a "professional" ( that way, there's much less risk of developing an emotional attachment) , with some kind of sex therapy for her, or other ideas? If it's something the two of you can work out together, there's much less chance of either of you being hurt, and I know that the last thing you want to do is hurt her.

[strongnrelaxed]

Kudos to you for handling this so well and with such grace.

 

My ex wife rarely denied me sex. She once said that even when she is not in the mood for it, that she likes the way I feel inside her and that the intimacy is good enough for her sometimes. Our sex life was incredible from day one to the last.

 

The reason I say this is that there seems to be an overemphasis on your W's orgasms and sexual mood. There have been times when I did not want sex, but got into it because I could tell she really needed/wanted it.

 

I am not making light of your situation, but I think that sex is very much a mental thing. Way more than most people would like to admit. So if she loves you and enjoys the emotional intimacy you share, then maybe THAT can be the focus when you get physically intimate.

 

Whether she can orgasm or get wet or in the mood, I would imagine that she might like to be caressed and held, and - well you know the rest. So maybe you say "hey, let's get naked and cuddle for a while and just be close - not sex and no orgasms" And let things fall as they may. Perhaps after a few times of doing this she might come to enjoy this new sort of physical intimacy and start to like it. That might lead to the other stuff.

 

When the orgasm becomes the sole focus of sex, I think we do the whole thing a disservice.

[Snowflower]

James, I agree with the others who have said that you can't assume anything with her showing you this letter.

 

I think this is a conversation you need to have with your wife again once she is feeling better. I honestly can't believe you didn't immediately ask her why the heck she showed the letter to you. And I honestly am astounded that she had you read the letter and didn't ask you anything about it or invite further conversation. Like Tired Guy said, your communication styles kind of stink at least in this regard.

 

I mean, does she assume that you are having sex somewhere else? Does she hope that you will do this? Is she tacitly giving you permission? Who knows...least of all you!

 

No matter what, this is a serious conversation that needs to be had between the two of you with none of the game playing, guessing or hints at what be going on with regard to your extra-curricular activities. Your marriage is on the line here.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I do not believe cheating is right, but I also think that if the first spouse does not put out, and refuses to get help, then what right do they have to expect faithfulness? Should the second spouse just accept celibacy and suck it up? It is one thing if the first spouse is ill or otherwise physically incapacitated.

 

I can see why some people do cheat. It is wrong, but just as wrong to expect someone you love to go without affection and intimacy.

Edited October 23, 2012 by DaisyLeigh1967

[Daniel V. Ross]

Cheating is one common thing that would ruin a certain relationship.

[whichwayisup]

James, just a suggestion but would she get turned on by porn, if you two watched it together? Not saying it has to lead to sex, but it could get her flowing down there, excited a bit and even if it's mutual masturbation, it could be a starting point. Just something to think about it..

[JamesM]

I honestly can't believe you didn't immediately ask her why the heck she showed the letter to you. And I honestly am astounded that she had you read the letter and didn't ask you anything about it or invite further conversation. Like Tired Guy said, your communication styles kind of stink at least in this regard.

 

Hello, Snowflower.

 

I can't believe it either, but at the time, I was a little taken back by the conversation. I take full blame for not having further conversation. It may have been her way of discussing sex and I blew it. I read the letter and made a couple of comments. Then I asked her something unrelated and we moved on from there. I guess as I said, looking back there was more I could have asked and said. I didn't. I don't blame her. It was my fault.

 

Yesterday we never had time alone where it would have been productive to even discuss this letter. I will try to mention it when I get a chance, but I am afraid I had a good chance and let it go.

 

I mean, does she assume that you are having sex somewhere else? Does she hope that you will do this? Is she tacitly giving you permission? Who knows...least of all you!

 

Agree. I think based on other recent comments that she is afraid that I am. I don't think that she is necessarily giving me permission but would understand if I had.

 

No matter what, this is a serious conversation that needs to be had between the two of you with none of the game playing, guessing or hints at what be going on with regard to your extra-curricular activities. Your marriage is on the line here.

 

It is a conversation that needs to be had, but truly our marriage is not on the line. I have no intentions of leaving her. My last venting thread helped me understand why I love her and why I would not want to leave her. I don't look at her and wish I could leave. In fact, the opposite is true. I still think that overall she is a great mother and decent wife. I think that this issue stems from her pain and not from our relationship.

 

While it is something that is a big problem, it is not a dealbreaker anymore. I may still vent here in the future, but it is a good way for me to get it all out and move on.

 

I still am curious what made her bring it up, and this I will find out.

 

A quote from the letter and response that I find interesting:

Dear Husband: While we cannot approve of your “solution,” we understand it. Men and women who refuse to be intimate run the risk of having their partners seek intimacy outside the relationship. But your wife may be perfectly happy with this arrangement, content to let you have your sexual needs taken care of by someone else, knowing that you are committed to the marriage. If you are hoping this letter convinces her to work on her libido, we wouldn’t count on it. But you have written a sensitive letter that we hope will leave an impression on others.

 

It has left an impression on me and did on my wife.

[JamesM]

James, just a suggestion but would she get turned on by porn, if you two watched it together? Not saying it has to lead to sex, but it could get her flowing down there, excited a bit and even if it's mutual masturbation, it could be a starting point. Just something to think about it..

 

I have thought about it in the past and years ago was going to watch some with her, but she wasn't interested. I don't know how she would feel now...beside the fact that our little munchkins would be a hindrance.

 

It is a thought to consider. If it were to be of interest, then I think she would need to watch it by herself. She tends to get turned on (when her libido was normal) by romantic movies with sex rather than porn with little romance.

[AlexDP]

Kudos to you for handling this so well and with such grace.

 

My ex wife rarely denied me sex. She once said that even when she is not in the mood for it, that she likes the way I feel inside her and that the intimacy is good enough for her sometimes. Our sex life was incredible from day one to the last.

 

The reason I say this is that there seems to be an overemphasis on your W's orgasms and sexual mood. There have been times when I did not want sex, but got into it because I could tell she really needed/wanted it.

 

I am not making light of your situation, but I think that sex is very much a mental thing. Way more than most people would like to admit. So if she loves you and enjoys the emotional intimacy you share, then maybe THAT can be the focus when you get physically intimate.

 

Whether she can orgasm or get wet or in the mood, I would imagine that she might like to be caressed and held, and - well you know the rest. So maybe you say "hey, let's get naked and cuddle for a while and just be close - not sex and no orgasms" And let things fall as they may. Perhaps after a few times of doing this she might come to enjoy this new sort of physical intimacy and start to like it. That might lead to the other stuff.

 

When the orgasm becomes the sole focus of sex, I think we do the whole thing a disservice.

 

Sometimes getting in the mood requires a little effort. I also think that when people have regular sex, they get in the mood more often. Fact is, sex can be work. And it can be important to be willing to do that work.