I had to leave, his words were terrible.

[Haydn]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/427814-i-am-afraid-i-have-broken-heart

 

 

I know passive aggressive. So i am with you. Take care

 

 

 

This is my last post on this but if you read her post her coldness and passiveness was stemming from his consistent verbal attacks. The more he did it, the more she retreated. Of course, passive aggressive behavior is a form of abuse but the OP isn't doing it as a form of abuse but as a defensive tactic.

 

I've been with a passive aggressive man, the silent treatment and coldness is a consistent trait. The OP stated that she began to retreat when she was beginning to feel defeated by his verbal abuse. She isn't passive aggressive as in personality disordered but because that was her coping mechanism in dealing with the situation. It wasn't good but in a toxic situation it's sometimes difficult to find the right way to deal with it.

[noskilljustluck]

Hi, I do appreciate you reading this.

 

I met my partner about a year ago, within 3 months he moved in with me (early I know). He didnnt have a place on his own, so moved back in with parents at the age of 36 before he met me, because he was still completing his doctors degree and he is on the last 3 years of it now. He is a doctor studying to be a GP and will be fully qualified in roughly 2015. He works long hours, studies hard and you can imagine knackered.

 

He started late and admitted he wished he started early to have his own place or even rented but his studies and student years meant he was on the move alot.

 

I am 38, have my own place, I love my job, work freelance and financially secure and have a nice life, not stressful really just nice. I dont really drink or socialise that much, thats because my job takes up alot of my time and I feel that when I see my friends its more coffee, catch up...etc.

 

When I met my partner, he told me he suffered from depression and so did his dad. Which I found upsetting to hear. He also had diverticulitis from stress and poor diet many years ago and that he is due an operation in a few months time. Which means he will be off work for 3 months. He took very ill when he was with me a few months back and it really scared me.

 

He is has Rosaccea on his face too which he cant handle too well when stressed he has a huge flare up. So there are many insecurities around him and incredibly difficult to handle at times too. I use to find it hard to be attracted to him during those times, that sounds so shallow but his face was terrible alot of the times. However I did deep down love him.

 

The relationship trust me was lovely, really lovely, romantic and I felt I had met my match. My only concern was his fiery temper whenever I would have an opinion about something. It was so bad that I would chuck him out the house every now and again because his fowl language would make me feel totally deflated and also very upset and angry like I was nothing...he always had to get the last word in. In the end I would go passive, he would carry on and I would resort to silence. In the end he would come round and apologise with presants, gifts and also saying sorry. Tears would be there too....

 

I am not one for opening up, or saying sorry, I am not that affectionate either but he did help me in those areas and I am thankful for that.

 

When the relationship was up and down he use to say "You cant chuck me out the next time ok, I wont allow it!" which made me think he had some kind of hold over me which wasnt particularly nice in the end.

 

Recently a few weeks back I had to do the same, chuck him out and now for good. He called me (lets just say it begins with F and the next word is C) and for me that was it. He said, he has nowhere to live, said "are you just going to throw me on the streets? and I will make your life here a nightmare if I have to stay here a month for me to find somewhere else.?"

 

Luckily, a friend of his had a room for rent in London for £1000, ouch I know and now he is staying there, not happy because its so expensive but admits she was lovely for putting him up with her partner and all his cousing friends are nearby, he loves london.So I am glad he has found somewhere to live as I cant live with him at all or want him at the moment.

.....just before I chucked him out he said that whenever we argue he finds it hard to love me....interesting!!

 

He texts me saying he misses me, loves me, it hurts...etc etc..and I have become cold, distant and very harsh with him which is the way I react to things and him, its not a good trait I know and I never say sorry as I can say hurtful things too, trust me..but he seems to be able to handle it better whereas I dont...

 

I use to suffer from panic attacks and depression myself but that was roughly around 18 years ago, never took any drugs or saw anyone just wanted to deal with it myself and since then its hasnt come back, fingers crossed ....however I am not that confident....at times with myself and relationships more so with being assertive.

 

so i have given him space as I feel he needs his own space/place and looking after as his insults even to the point of saying I had a chip on my shoulder about his job being a doctor? (which didnt make sense) to saying my job was easy and all my friends and life are around here and he had nothing.....I felt a pang of jealousy with him and he was incredibly so with my male friends or any men around me, whether work, gym, on the street...or anyone that looked at me.

 

I still, love him dearly, finding it hard to move on, I throw myself into work alot, go to the gym, read, friends, family, social, dance etc...and yet still miss him...damn!!

 

Then my mum kindly reminds me of his bad points and says that his good points were that he lived in my flat and you miss his company....

 

I feel weaker around him, I was upset alot and became what I would call emotionally needy...which scared me....and also very angry and resentful.

 

I am still feeling emotionally needy, we have text, but he cant believe I left him out cold, who does that he says? I said I do because you called me a FC!

 

not sure he gets that part....I feel I have done the right thing but another part of me misses the love, his cooking, his sweet nature and intelligence, that I truly admired....and was adorable with everyday messages, calls and real love for me.

 

His brother, hate to say this, committed suicide when my partner was only 20 and since then, he literally went off the rails and cant come off these anti depressants, when he does I cant explain how horrific it is, dark is the word. He also smoked alot of weed and drank alot in his time to combat this..his mum dealt with it by drinking and since then its been a horrific time....18 years later...I am sure he hasnt still got over it...he doesnt drink anymore or take any drugs just very strong anti depressants.

 

he was very bitter about his last partner who treated him badly and left him twice too...and cheated on him, (I havent) and his last partner the same...I am starting to wonder if there is a pattern.

 

Thank you for reading, sorry its so long, I just wanted someone to read and if thats all then I dont expect a reply.

 

best wishes

x

 

 

If you can deal with his anger, then give him a chance. I am surprised he was angry cause you chucked him out, well he's not in the place to be angry cause you must have made it clear that you can use this card if things went south.

 

If he truly loves you, then he will build up his career and then come up to you to show you that you and him have a safe future. But, you also need to change and be more responsive instead of being angry or cold. Cause if youre going to keep it all inside, it will be like having a parasite in mind.

 

Just know this, love is a great thing, but what makes it special is when lovers accept each other with their faults. And one shouldnt try to change others, they should sit down and talk, be open about what bothers them.

[wispa2013]

This is my last post on this but if you read her post her coldness and passiveness was stemming from his consistent verbal attacks. The more he did it, the more she retreated. Of course, passive aggressive behavior is a form of abuse but the OP isn't doing it as a form of abuse but as a defensive tactic.

 

I've been with a passive aggressive man, the silent treatment and coldness is a consistent trait. The OP stated that she began to retreat when she was beginning to feel defeated by his verbal abuse. She isn't passive aggressive as in personality disordered but because that was her coping mechanism in dealing with the situation. It wasn't good but in a toxic situation it's sometimes difficult to find the right way to deal with it.

 

Hi there, I have been reading everyone's replies and can only say thank you I didnt realise the huge response I would get from everyone, and some of you have been through simliar as well. The advice is very encouraging thank you.

 

This particular post really stood out for me as did others too as you have described me to the exact way as the only way for me to cope with his verbal attacks. Spot on and I am not really a passive aggressive person by nature but I am timid, shy and quite insular with my feelings. I am no saint, and obviously attracted this man into my life for a reason, as I say a lesson to learn..... and I feel very sad and low since we broke, but something I have done that has changed me, I hope in a good way for myself, is to forgive myself too and to realise that you cant be controlled or control someone else. I think we both gave as good as we got and tried to control the other in strange ways to make the other person feel bad, miss me or him etc......

 

I do believe (cant remember who put this on this post, it takes two) it does take two. I fuelled it and he was angry but there is one thing I remember so well, just like the lady previously mentioned about her ex and made her almost crawl to the ground beneath her partner, that I wont ever forget.... was when I use to come back from the gym I was on a high and feeling good, this is something that just about killed him. He would ask me all the time "was there any men there who started chatting to you?!" when I was at my tennis club, the same question would be asked, "did you play tennis with any single, young men?"

 

It was these comments that sent me off into a state of nerves around him, where his control with jealousy made me very nervous. I then had to sit down and explain to him literally for what seemed like an hour at a time that I wasnt interested, only wanted him, only loved him and for him to believe me only for him to ask another set of questions. He admitted his mind is full of negative thoughts where he needs consistent answers all the time. He was emotionally draining and very demanding of my attention which was exhausting trust me, I felt like I was helping him and counselling him, phew!! He suffered from severe anxiety thoughts hence if wasnt taking his pills he would be horrific, imagine this but 10 times worse with questions....

 

At this moment in time, last night he asked me if I was working (as I work nights some times with my work), I was indeed and since then he hasnt spoken to me. I do feel if I was working and he knew where I was, that was fine, the minute he didnt know where I was or I was out with friends, or just didnt reply, he gets worried... even now we have split up, he sends texts like "are you ok?! Is everything ok and as long as he gets a response he is ok..if I dont, I get a long text saying he is sad its not worked out, to mention how my cat wispa is lovely, wishes it could have worked out. He misses me and am I not sad too??

 

So I know both of us are capable of wanting attention and this makes me now realise this its just about that, attention and control rather than real love, because I can be the same too.....its more I miss not getting the attention but maybe not the person, him just being there, use to him giving me attention, texting me 24/7, calling, etc but in the end nothing, he was quite cold, we argued. We went away for a spa weekend only for him not to be affectionate and fell asleep said nothing as he got him and demanded I cook for him....what he didnt see was how I felt used or he used that weekend to benefit him....... our characters are so volatile and angry that we just wind the other up and give eachother as good as the other gets.

 

Its really sad, its made me look at myself very differently and I want to make sure the next relationship I go into is slower and I take my time to get to know someone now and has his own place, that will make a huge difference.....I dont hate him we are still friends, he wanted to stay that way, then I realised I did then I had this relapse of control and thought no its not a good idea.....I have a few parties and dates with friends lined up this month which I am really looking forward to and I am also sensing that he will be back near Christmas but for whatever reason, I know what i did was right. I know when we are in contact I am worse...so hence why I think cutting contact is the best thing.

 

Even if it means an anger management class that I need to attend to or dealing with anger, whatever it takes I would like to work on myself and my passive behaviour where really I would like to be more assertive perhaps...

 

I wont lie and say I am sad, as I am and I am also very upset that, well, we could never get to the bottom as to why each of us wound the other up to get a reaction, or to get our needs met, or to be heard or really to deal with something from the past. There use to be love at the beginning and boy was it real love deep down, I feel since him I will never be the same again....or more like its changed me, hopefully for good reasons, only time will tell..

 

My dad never showed affection or love, he was a very material man, lovely and I love him dearly but the affection I craved and I feel I needed in a man, if I didnt get it I would I think depend on with relationships and when they controlled me if felt like he really needed me and to be honest I liked that, but it wasnt right, I know in all these years I have never really understood that and I want to thank my ex for maybe getting me to face up to these issues.

 

I know my mistakes and I want to work on dealing with passive/aggressive behaviour as well as my demands for what I am lacking in my needs, thats pretty heavy lol I know....but i am trying to understand what really went on here....

 

you have all been so helpful thank you again...

[wispa2013]

If you can deal with his anger, then give him a chance. I am surprised he was angry cause you chucked him out, well he's not in the place to be angry cause you must have made it clear that you can use this card if things went south.

 

If he truly loves you, then he will build up his career and then come up to you to show you that you and him have a safe future. But, you also need to change and be more responsive instead of being angry or cold. Cause if youre going to keep it all inside, it will be like having a parasite in mind.

 

Just know this, love is a great thing, but what makes it special is when lovers accept each other with their faults. And one shouldnt try to change others, they should sit down and talk, be open about what bothers them.

 

 

thank you for your reply, i am not sure we can thats where the issue lies here and I feel slightly lost now as now that I have opened up and expressed my issues which he points out alot as I never say sorry, or let him know I am aware of my mistakes as I thought I didnt have any, trust me I didnt.....so because of this I have just denied it and now he has made me realise it even more we are apart, its a good thing but he says he doesnt want anyone else and isnt interested. Me neither but he isnt showing any signs of contact but then time will tell I know I need this time apart to find myself and my change...and perhaps he does too and hope he can change too overtime....he says I am too unpredictable and too changeable which is true, I was forever changing my mind, which isnt making anyone feel stable around me, but that was normally after our arguements and not feeling settled, then my company moved nearer to me, so I bought another place near me and he went back to london to stay there and feels right, so maybe things happen for a reason, he seems happier now that he is moving to this person's house and admits she is lovely and her partner and cousins nearby so he has family around him too.....

 

He cant walk back to me as he admits too risky and its not right at the moment and I am the same, so maybe distance will make us see things differently....or ourselves differently, I sure hope so....

 

I know you are right, both of us need to change in order to see those flaws in ourselves to obtain any relationship with anyone.....

 

One thing I wish i was more of, was open, and able to sit down and express my true feelings as I cant do this it doesnt come natural to me, but find when I do it does make things easier, I at times was too scared too because of his harsh anger and maybe felt he wasnt really able himself to open up to me too...it was a catch 22.....

[noskilljustluck]

thank you for your reply, i am not sure we can thats where the issue lies here and I feel slightly lost now as now that I have opened up and expressed my issues which he points out alot as I never say sorry, or let him know I am aware of my mistakes as I thought I didnt have any, trust me I didnt.....so because of this I have just denied it and now he has made me realise it even more we are apart, its a good thing but he says he doesnt want anyone else and isnt interested. Me neither but he isnt showing any signs of contact but then time will tell I know I need this time apart to find myself and my change...and perhaps he does too and hope he can change too overtime....he says I am too unpredictable and too changeable which is true, I was forever changing my mind, which isnt making anyone feel stable around me, but that was normally after our arguements and not feeling settled, then my company moved nearer to me, so I bought another place near me and he went back to london to stay there and feels right, so maybe things happen for a reason, he seems happier now that he is moving to this person's house and admits she is lovely and her partner and cousins nearby so he has family around him too.....

 

He cant walk back to me as he admits too risky and its not right at the moment and I am the same, so maybe distance will make us see things differently....or ourselves differently, I sure hope so....

 

I know you are right, both of us need to change in order to see those flaws in ourselves to obtain any relationship with anyone.....

 

One thing I wish i was more of, was open, and able to sit down and express my true feelings as I cant do this it doesnt come natural to me, but find when I do it does make things easier, I at times was too scared too because of his harsh anger and maybe felt he wasnt really able himself to open up to me too...it was a catch 22.....

 

Its perfectly feasible the situation youre going through. I suggest you two give eachother time, at least a month. This will truly open up a new mindset for you, and whether both of you decide on eachother or not, it will come off as a mutually accepted decision. It wont help now, to pester him and hope for him to turn back to you quickly. Maybe if you had altered your behavior before sending him off, then he might have been more attentive towards you. However, that moment has slipped.

 

Now you need to cool your mind and decide what ifs in a very rational sense. Either you both put up with eachother's behavior, or you both change. Or, you leave eachother be, cause sometimes people are just attracted and confuse it with love.

 

I can understand your problem of not being able to open up easily as I too have this state of mind. My boyfriend loved using profanities and I've never once said 'F**k" to anyone or even "S**t".

He has called me names a few times for which I forgave him, but it put me under the same cold state of passiveness as you. And instead of being angry, I had cried a lot because it was the first time I was insulted as such.

He learned not to use profanities around me and I learned not to be passive. Because when I was passive after our arguments, he thought I wasnt interested in him anymore.

So always know, communication is a key factor. Your words and how you handle a situation can be really crucial to a relationship as fragile as yours. Make him understand your importance and understand his too, if you two get together.

 

Your're welcome.

Goodluck. <3

[wispa2013]

Its perfectly feasible the situation youre going through. I suggest you two give eachother time, at least a month. This will truly open up a new mindset for you, and whether both of you decide on eachother or not, it will come off as a mutually accepted decision. It wont help now, to pester him and hope for him to turn back to you quickly. Maybe if you had altered your behavior before sending him off, then he might have been more attentive towards you. However, that moment has slipped.

 

Now you need to cool your mind and decide what ifs in a very rational sense. Either you both put up with eachother's behavior, or you both change. Or, you leave eachother be, cause sometimes people are just attracted and confuse it with love.

 

I can understand your problem of not being able to open up easily as I too have this state of mind. My boyfriend loved using profanities and I've never once said 'F**k" to anyone or even "S**t".

He has called me names a few times for which I forgave him, but it put me under the same cold state of passiveness as you. And instead of being angry, I had cried a lot because it was the first time I was insulted as such.

He learned not to use profanities around me and I learned not to be passive. Because when I was passive after our arguments, he thought I wasnt interested in him anymore.

So always know, communication is a key factor. Your words and how you handle a situation can be really crucial to a relationship as fragile as yours. Make him understand your importance and understand his too, if you two get together.

 

Your're welcome.

Goodluck. <3

 

thank you your words are so wonderful and ring true, one thing I regret and cant take back is how harsh I was and how nasty I was too....as in cold, we were meant to move in together but I cancelled the sofa we had bought together, everything around me I just cut off completely its like I had no feelings and so cold its untrue when really thats not me at all. I just dont understand my own feelings I guess thats my issue or how to deal with feelings and emotions affectively, instead I shut down, cold and run away literally....all the time thats an ongoing pattern with me.

 

thank you I will keep everyone posted if things change be nice to think we both do and want to work at it now, but I will have to wait and see, like you say time will tell xx

[noskilljustluck]

thank you your words are so wonderful and ring true, one thing I regret and cant take back is how harsh I was and how nasty I was too....as in cold, we were meant to move in together but I cancelled the sofa we had bought together, everything around me I just cut off completely its like I had no feelings and so cold its untrue when really thats not me at all. I just dont understand my own feelings I guess thats my issue or how to deal with feelings and emotions affectively, instead I shut down, cold and run away literally....all the time thats an ongoing pattern with me.

 

thank you I will keep everyone posted if things change be nice to think we both do and want to work at it now, but I will have to wait and see, like you say time will tell xx

 

 

Its alright, the thing that matters now is this, if you have learned your own weakness, then change it to something better. I too, take out another's anger on myself as I have a habit of being moody,skipping meals and being mopey when something goes off. Over time I have learned that with this I've only hurt myself and no one else. First thing is composure, then its finding the root cause of trouble and lastly, to help erase or cure it.

 

Yes, hopefully things turn to better for you. :]

[Zahara]

I know my mistakes and I want to work on dealing with passive/aggressive behaviour as well as my demands for what I am lacking in my needs, thats pretty heavy lol I know....but i am trying to understand what really went on here....

 

you have all been so helpful thank you again...

 

I believe half the battle won is acknowledging your mistakes and wanting to make that change. Along with that, forgiving yourself for what you feel you contributed towards the ending of the relationship. Abuse can really break a person and it seems that the insecurities that your ex experiences is a very crippling feeling that most likely drives him to want to always be in control. People that are insecure tend to always want control. I'm sure there are situations in his life that have caused trauma for him to behave this way. And maybe he should spend some time working out the issues that he has and if at all possible, maybe in time things may have a better chance of working out.

 

For now, it's good to hear that you are choosing to cease contact. It would be best to prioritize your need to make changes in your life and use the time to heal and rebuild yourself again. I'm sure you're hurting and he is too but nothing will ever be fixed if the two of you keep getting back together and repeating the same patterns. Someone's gotta give. Hopefully your need for change will spur him to want to do the same.

 

Have you thought about speaking to a counselor? Maybe it will help in your quest to figure out what went wrong and help you find ways to work through all of this.

[hestheone66]

Love between two compatible people is almost effortless because the happiness of the other person is a mutual goal which combats selfishness. he needed you to make his life, not his heart better. He used you and this is why you didnt demonstrate warmth and affection. Deep down you realised he wasnt worthy of you. He has had very serious emotional trauma in his life and needs long term therapy. You would also benefit from understanding why you tolerated and participated in long term abusive relationship.

Sweet words saying he misses you while still blaming you is a survival tactic to save him mobey for now. Nothing more. He has been a user his whole life so he is good at manipulation. Look up narcissistic personality disorder...also his depression is a tool he can use to not take responsibility for his life..therapy in conjunction with anti depressants abd a genuine desire to change, not just sweet then abusive words or gestures.